In fact, Todd was behaving even better...or worse, depending on the point of view...than Colin could have imagined. He remembers back to that night when he first confronted Todd...the look on his face when he said Tea's name. Priceless...and fascinating...just mentioning her had a much deeper effect on him than he thought it would. He makes a face, his curiosity peaked again. Even though he had read up on the two of them as much as possible, and had gotten a general idea of the heavy drama that had gone on between them...he knew that the news articles only just scratched the surface. God only knew what their relationship had actually been like.

He shifts around in the bed, adjusting the pillows...the wheels turning in his head. He thinks of all the things he'd read about Todd. The illegitimate offspring of Victor Lord...who became the frat boy who went to Statesville on rape charges...and then became the publisher of a newspaper that was only slightly more respectable than the supermarket tabloids...and then became public enemy number one, responsible for multiple kidnappings, a bombing here, a shooting there...and who wasn't above faking mental illness to get himself off.

Yep...rich, ruthless, volatile...and totally insane, those were the words that seemed to describe Todd best. Colin shakes his head, laughing to himself a little...knowing that he, himself, was not exactly a model human being. But even so, he couldn't help but think that they were different. Colin had reacted to circumstances around him, and had made a string of bad decisions that put him where he was now. But every bad decision had been a deliberate one. He knew exactly what he had done, how wrong it was...and understood the gravity of it. Even now, he was fully aware that using a woman he didn't even know just to get back at her ex-husband was a rotten thing to do. But he also knew that the only way to really get to Todd would be through his kid, or through Tea. And he wasn't about to hurt a child, so...that was that; and he was ready to accept the consequences, as long as he got his point across.

Todd, though, was another story. His reasons for doing things seemed to come from something deep inside him...something dark and sinister that was part of who he was...and it was clear he walked a very fine line, every day of his life.

Colin sighs at that...and wonders how Tea...or any woman for that matter, would have been able to stay with someone like that. Money, I guess...people will put up with a lot of crap, if the price is right, he thinks. But then he wonders about that...knowing that, at some point, money stopped mattering. Tea had fallen in love with him for real...and was still in love with him now. He had seen it in her face.

...that face... those eyes...

Colin sits up finally, getting up out of bed, unable to get the image out of his head. Seeing her in person had really caught him off guard. He shakes his head, wondering why...it wasn't as if he'd never seen a good-looking woman before. And it wasn't as if Tea had been dressed to kill, either. He'd seen her at her sloppiest...sweaty gym clothes, no makeup. But still...when she looked at him...something happened. He didn't want to think of it as some kind of corny 'enchanted moment' type thing, but...for those few seconds, he had been completely captivated.

And he could definitely see now, that Todd couldn't possibly let go of someone like that...even for someone like Blair. He shakes his head again, laughing to himself as he shuffles over to the window, and stares out at the city...the wheels turning in his head...and only too anxious to get back to work.

*****

Tea pushes against the door, one that had probably not been opened in years. She throws her weight at it a few times, feeling it budging in tiny increments. Tiring, she steps back to see how far she's gotten. The door stands ajar, and she can see out through the small crack. The cold wind whistles through it, hitting her in the face, waking her up.

Snow...lots of snow on the other side, undoubtedly piled up a good two feet or so, from all the winter storms that had been pounding the city lately. Hands on her hips, she stares at the old thing with the rusted-out knob and lock...and all of a sudden, she remembers another door...in another time...a door she pushed...no...pulled...yes, pulled on...trying desperately to get out of a room that was going up in flames.

...going up in flames...like everything else...

She shuts her eyes, trying to stop the memories that are flooding her mind. But the images continue to flash behind her closed lids, and she feels the same emotions ...just as if she were back in that time, back in that same room all over again. She shudders, feeling a chill... but whether it's from the wind coming through the crack in the door, or from remembering the soft touch of Todd's mouth on the back of her neck...she can't tell.

With a hard breath, Tea snaps herself out of it, opening her eyes wide. She walks back to the door, and bracing an arm against it, she gives it another shove. The door makes scratchy, creaking noises as it loosens the hardened snow and finally gives way, opening wide enough for her to slip through. She lets out another hard breath, feeling the real bite of winter as she takes a few steps out onto the rooftop. Her breaths come out in steamy clouds, as she pulls her coat closed around her...covering the thin t-shirt and sweats she'd been wearing to bed lately. She folds her arms, hunching down as she walks, trying to cover her neck. The lights of the city entrance her, seeming even brighter and clearer in the cold...and she walks as far as she can, right up to the wall at the edge of the roof.

She breathes deep, even though the cold air stings going in...and she can feel the warmth of her own breath on her face as she exhales. And she shuts her eyes again, just listening...trying to concentrate on the noises of the city, instead of the images in her mind...and that constant, just-about-to-cry-pressure on her chest.

Clear your mind and listen, she thinks...just listen...to the traffic...to the music blaring from people's car stereos...to the thumping bass...to the sound of your teeth chattering...

...to the wind, howling around you...

...and she listens, as the wind carries more distant sounds to her ears...

"...normal just doesn't fit for you...your whole life you've tried to be normal, but it doesn't work...y'know why? 'Cause you're different..."

Tea's lips part at that...and she feels the pressure on her chest again, pressing down...

"...you're here because you know what I know...you and I were born to be together."

For weeks, months, she had tried so hard, to be strong...to forget...to move on with her life. And every time she had felt that pressure pushing down on her, that urge to cry, to remember and feel sorry for herself, she had fought it. Bit her lip, splashed cold water on her face, kicked the crap out of a punching bag...whatever it took. But as time went by, it got harder and harder to clear her mind. Nothing worked anymore...especially now.

She digs in her coat pocket, pulling out a piece of torn newsprint. She unfolds it, looking again at the picture on the front page of the Sun...of Todd...and Blair...and the article, words that Todd had undoubtedly written himself, broadcasting the news of their impending wedding. Words that hit harder, and hurt more, than her freezing body at the moment.

...yeah, born to be together...right...just not in THIS lifetime.

She crumples the paper in her right hand, as she holds her left hand out in front of her. She stares at her wedding band, bright and clearly visible, even in the dim nighttime glow. She stares for a long time, wondering why it was still there...and why she could never take it off. The pressure pushes down on her chest once more...forcing her to cry for the millionth time that day. A quiet sob escapes her mouth before she bites her lip...and she suddenly wonders how many bite marks she's made on the inside of her lip, just in the last few days...and how much more self-inflicted torture it would take to make the painful pressure go away.

The warm tears get cold as they race down her cheeks...and she can feel the tracks they leave behind, as they freeze on her skin. She sniffs back some of the tears, uselessly...as she twists the ring, loosening its grip on her finger. She pulls it off, dropping it into the palm of her hand. She examines the circular shape of the gold...and thinks about all that it's supposed to mean...

...the circle...the symbol of strength...and love...that is constant...and endless...

...endless, she repeats in her mind, examining the negative space inside it...and remembering what she once called it, not that long ago...

...an empty hole...that goes on and on...endless.

She closes her hand around the ring, sniffing again...wiping her face with her arm, as she looks out at the city...feeling pain in every part of her...a horrible aching that has little to do with how cold she is. And even though she is standing on a rooftop that looks down on the world, she feels as if she is staring up at the world...like she were at the bottom of that empty hole...surrounded by darkness, and too far down to climb out. And suddenly, she is able to put a name to the feeling...

...hopeless...it's hopeless.

She looks around...then she takes a deep breath in, clutching the ring as she takes a step back. Then she lets the breath out...and puts all her strength into throwing the ring as far as she can. She watches it fly, the city lights glimmering off of it for a second, as it tumbles down and away...and finally disappears. She bites her lip again, her teeth finding the same groove inside her mouth. Then she looks upward, trying to keep from crying again...but also to take another look up at the world, from the bottom of the hole she's found herself in.

Tea stays on the roof for a long time after the ring has hit the ground...until she finally realizes that she can't feel her fingers...or toes...or face. The thought doesn't phase her much though, knowing that the rest of her was pretty numb too.

...well...maybe it's time to go back down...down...yeah, right...down deeper into the hole.

She sighs, turning away from the city lights...walking back to the old, rusty door, and closing it behind her. The draft follows her down the steps, slowly dissipating as she gets to her floor. The heavy, spring-hinged door shuts behind her with a hissing sound, as if it were sealing her into the warmth of the hallway. Holding her coat shut with folded arms, she shuffles down the hall like a woman three times her age.

She steps into her dimly lit apartment, tossing her keys on the table by the door, and stripping off her heavy coat and boots. She leaves them in a heap on the floor as she walks into the bathroom, hovering over the sink as she turns on the water. She splashes her face with warm water, scrubbing away the tear-tracks, trying to get the circulation going through her cheeks again. Then she looks in the mirror, at her wet reflection. She stares at herself, with no particular thoughts in mind. She pulls a towel off the rack and dabs her face and hair...getting a faraway look in her eyes, as she rubs her cheek against the fabric, finding the softness somewhat soothing. And she even smells the towel, thinking...

...I can still smell him...even though I've washed these things at least fifty times since...

...well.

Her eyes start wandering around the sink, looking at all the things strewn about...hand soap, her toothbrush, a half-used tube of toothpaste, and her razor. Her eyes stop on the razor, fixating on it. She stops rubbing her face, and tosses the towel aside as her hand reaches for the razor. She holds it up under the harsh fluorescent light, examining it...with that same faraway look...there, but not there.

And before Tea is even aware of what she's doing, she has the razor taken apart. She stands there, holding the small, double-edged blade cautiously, between her thumb and index finger...staring at it as if she were in a trance. She starts to press her fingers inward gently, feeling the sharp edge against her skin. Pressing...and pressing...until finally, the blade starts cutting into her fingertips. The cuts start bleeding, and she squints, wondering why she doesn't feel it. She presses harder, bending the blade in the middle...

...until it breaks in half with a loud SNAP! The noise startles her, and she gasps, dropping the blades into the sink. She stares at them with wide eyes, like she just woke up. Drops of blood fall down and trickle into the sink...and she looks at her hand like she's never seen it before.

"Ohmygod..." she whispers, as she turns on the water, and holds her hand under the faucet. The hard water stings, and unconscious tears of panic start flowing from her eyes, as she sees the blood flow continuing from the depth of the cuts. She grabs the towel off the floor with her free hand and wraps it around her cut hand tightly.

"Ohgod...what am I DOING?? What am I doing..." she mutters to herself as she runs out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. She slams the door, and pulls the shades down as far as they'll go...plunging herself into complete darkness. Then she gets into bed, pulling the covers over her head. She hugs her injured hand tightly, holding it up to her chest to try and stop the bleeding.

And she cries freely...cries herself to sleep...buried under the blankets, and hidden away in the dark at the bottom of the hole.

*****

A few hours later, Todd's car pulls up to the building. Todd gets out, looking up and down the darkened street...scanning for any signs of anything out of the ordinary. But all he sees are a few people walking by, college kids on their way to or from one of the many clubs in the area. He watches them as they disappear around the corner...then he glances the other way, one more time. No movement, no sounds except for the distant traffic. He digs in his pocket for his keys, sprinting up to the door of the handsome, old brownstone building. He looks back and forth as he unlocks the big outer door...then steps into the foyer.

He stands at the bottom of the stairs, looking at the floors above him...listening to the muffled sounds of a few televisions, a few stereos still going. Then he starts climbing the stairs, slowly...feeling flutters in his chest. Nervous that he'd find their apartment empty...and equally nervous that he'd find her still there. He gets to the right floor, and looks back down over the railing, doing another paranoid check. He holds the key in his hand tightly as he approaches the door, and takes a deep breath before slipping the key in and turning it, gently. The lock gives with a click, and he flinches...waiting...listening. But he doesn't hear anything. His heart starts to sink...and he has to rest his head against the door for a moment, before finally opening it all the way, and stepping inside.

To his slight surprise, he finds the sparsely furnished living room just as it was...and his heart goes from sinking to skipping a beat, seeing one of the lamps still on. He looks down, and sees Tea's coat and boots on the floor. He reaches down and picks up the heavy coat...touching it to his cheek. He sighs with relief, feeling the cold air still lingering on it...a sign of life. He picks up her boots, examining them...and grins just a little, seeing droplets of water on them. He puts them back, and walks into the living room, laying her coat over the single chair. He takes off his own coat, laying it on top of hers as he looks around.

He spots the closed bedroom door, and stares at it for a moment, like he could see through it. He can feel the flutters in his chest again, mixed emotions...relief...and fear. He looks around once more...again, looking for the out of the ordinary. His eyes catch sight of the bathroom light, still on...so he walks down the narrow hall, holding his breath as he looks in. He lets it out when he sees it's empty...but his eyes grow wide when he sees the smears of blood on the sink. His heart jumps into his throat, as he looks down and sees Tea's razor in parts...and the bloody, broken blades in the bottom of the sink. His mind races...a million horrible thoughts going through his head at once. He runs to the bedroom and throws open the door...

...but can't see a damned thing, it's that dark. He looks over toward the window, and sees the shades pulled all the way down. He makes it over to the bed in about two steps, and fumbles for the lamp on the nightstand.

"Tea? You there?" he says softly, his fingers finding the switch. The lamp floods the room with soft, orangey light...and he sees all the bedding in one big lump in the middle of the bed.

"Tea?" he asks again, with more urgency, as he starts to pull the covers down...his heart beating like crazy. "Tea, come on...answer me."

He yanks the last cover off...and finally sees her, curled up in a fetal position in the middle of the bed, one hand wrapped in a towel. He watches her carefully, concentrating...trying to see if she's breathing. After a moment, he can see her chest rising and falling...and can hear her, breathing deep and even, sleeping soundly. He sighs hard, and steps back, covering his mouth with one hand...recovering from the scare she gave him.

Tea shifts in her sleep, unconsciously aware of being cold all of a sudden. Todd watches as she reaches for the covers...then he sits down on the edge of the bed, slowly, so as not to wake her. He pulls the covers back up over her, and once she feels warm again, she tucks her hand back into her chest, settling into the bed. Todd stretches out beside her, putting one of the pillows under his head as he turns to face her. He listens to her breath sounds, gradually evening out as she falls back into a deep sleep.

Todd reaches out, gently brushing strands of hair away from her face...and then his face softens at seeing hers. Even in the dim lamplight, he could see the how pale she was, and how exhausted. Then he looks down...and suddenly notices her left hand, with no ring on it.

He sighs again, looking back up at her closed eyes...getting just as lost in them as he would if they were open. His hand moves over her face and hair, hovering...touching, without touching. He sniffs, quietly, feeling the sting in his eyes, as they fill up.

"Not thinking of leaving me, are you?" he asks her...whispering to her in her sleep, as he often did, because it was the only time he felt comfortable enough to talk freely. And somehow, he was certain that she could hear him.

"...I mean...I saw that mess in the sink...scared me pretty good. I thought McIver had gotten to you already...then I realized it might've been you. I hope that was just an accident. I hope you're not thinking of...doing something to yourself. 'Cause y'know, you're the one that told ME...that suicide is the coward's way out. Remember that? Well, you better remember that," he says, sniffing...taking a moment to wipe his face.

"I know it's my fault. McIver is after you because of me...and you're...you're in this really bad place now, because of me. Sorry...I'm really sorry, Delgado...I wish I could take it all back...but I can't. I just have to find some way to...to fix it...to get it back...back to where it was, where we were. And I'm not gonna let anything happen to you...not gonna let McIver get near you, and I'm sure as hell not gonna let you hurt yourself. Just...stay with me for a little while longer, okay? I'll make it right...I promise."

With that, he settles into the bed...and watches her sleep, until he drifts off himself.