The city...I hear the city...
Breathing deeply, Tea opens her eyes. Her lids peel apart, her eyelashes separate...and she finds herself looking at a muddy, grayish-black blanket with tiny holes poked in it. She blinks, her eyebrows crinkling...
...wait...that's not a blanket...those are stars...
She tries to lift her head, but it feels too heavy...and she still feels too out of it. So she rolls her head to the side, and sees a sidewalk...buildings...when she rolls her head to the other side, she sees the same thing. After another moment, she becomes aware of being on a hard, flat surface...and being cold. So again, she tries to lift her head...and this time she manages, slowly, slowly pulling herself up into a sitting position.
She looks around...at the dark, abandoned street around her. The moon and the stars give off barely enough light to see by. She stares at everything, then at herself, as she realizes she's been lying in the middle of the street. Instinctively, she starts touching herself, her head, her chest...noticing that she's wrapped in a long, black coat. Then she looks down at her wrists. A scar runs across each one, but surprisingly, they're not grotesque-looking...they just look like simple, black lines someone had drawn across them. And when she touches them, she can't even feel a wound...and it doesn't hurt.
Tea shudders...from the creepiness of her surroundings, and from the intense cold. She sees her breath in front of her, coming out in wispy puffs of steam. She licks her lips, and makes a face at how dry and chapped they are. Then she looks around again, as she starts to stand up.
Where the hell am I...?
"H-hello?" she calls out, feebly...and even though she can still hear the sounds of a busy, bustling city, somewhere nearby, there's no one to hear her...no one around, as far as she can see.
Cold, confused, and scared...Tea starts to cry. She looks up again, at the pinpoints of light in the muddy sky.
Am I dead...is this...where I'm supposed to be? Is this what I get for killing myself...?
Not knowing what else to do, she moves over to the curb, and sits down on it. She pulls her knees in, wrapping her arms around her legs, hugging herself. She sits there for a long while, shivering...until finally, she lets her head drop down. She turns her head to one side, letting her cheek rest on her knee...and as she looks down the street, her eye catches something.
Tea picks her head up, squinting at what looks like a figure, standing in silhouette...motionless...and a good ways away from her. She swallows hard...then stands up, moving into the middle of the street. The figure doesn't move, though...it just stays where it is. She stares back at it, warily...feeling it watching her, and feeling the dread running through her like the cold...going right to her bones.
*****
Tea shudders in her sleep, which wakes her up suddenly. Her eyes fly open, and she immediately squints at the brightness of the room. She sits up, a little too fast...then she tries to lift her arms to rub her head, but she winces, feeling the soreness in her wrists.
"Owww," she hisses...looking around at the white room...such a contrast to where she had just been. She looks over to the window, blown out with sunlight...and sees Del, passed out in a chair, snoring. She makes a face...because she hadn't seen him in months, and it seemed odd to suddenly see him now.
In fact, she didn't expect to see anyone...and for a second, she wonders if she's really there...or if this was another dream, and she was in fact, still dead. She looks down at her bandaged wrists, making a fist with one hand. She hisses again, at the sharp pain that shoots up her arm.
...ohhh...guess I'm not dead after all.
Her whole body fills with exhaustion at that realization, and she falls back into the pillow, as Del slowly wakes up. He squints at her, not sure if he really saw her move. But when he hears her sigh, and sees her eyes open, he jumps up out of the chair.
"Oh my god," he breathes, running over to her. Tea looks up at him, as he wraps his big arms around her, hugging her to him.
"Oh, baby..."
Tea closes her eyes, letting him hold her...but she doesn't return the gesture. Del squeezes her tightly, kissing the top of her head. Then he pulls back some, to look at her. Nothing is said for a moment...and finally, Tea looks away, settling back into the bed. She turns on her side, facing him, but doesn't look at him.
"Tea?"
No answer.
"Baby, look at me," he says, but she doesn't. So he puts himself in front of her face. She stares at nothing with glazed eyes. Del glances away for a second, pushing down a sudden surge of anger...not at her...but for her. There was no life in her eyes...and now she barely registered his presence, much less his love and support.
Sighing, he sits all the way down on the floor, leaning against the wall, facing her...watching her stare off into space...waiting for her to say something.
*****
Todd busts into the penthouse, slamming the door shut...nearly rattling it off the hinges, and sending a resounding BAM! through the whole house. He goes right to the bar, looking for anything...hoping that Blair had restocked it, since she moved back in. But there was nothing left, except one, unopened bottle of whiskey. Before he even knows it, he's grabbed it, torn the cap off and swallowed. He rips the bottle away from his mouth, sucking his breath in, feeling the fire racing down his throat, exploding in his belly.
He looks at the bottle, making a face. Oh...jesus... the fuck am I doing...?
With a hard, painful sigh, he starts walking toward the kitchen, to dump the rest of the bottle before he can drink anymore. But before he can get there, he hears voices outside in the hall. He walks back into the foyer, listening to Blair, yelling at somebody. The door swings open fast just then, and she nearly knocks him down as she storms in, carrying a big coffee cup and a paper bag with her breakfast in it.
Blair and Todd stumble away from each other, each of them looking strangely at the other. Then she sighs, harshly, seeing the bottle in his hand. Todd's eyes narrow, as he looks past her to the doorway...where Kevin stands, leaning against the frame, glaring right back at him...examining the bottle in his hand, and the damage to his face.
"Hmmm...interesting little scene."
Blair whirls around. "Oh, for chrissake, Kevin...how many times do I have to tell you to GO AWAY!!"
Kevin barely glances at her, before turning his attention back to Todd. "Any comments for the record, my dear...dearest...uncle?" he asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I'll even run some headlines by you...mmm, let's see..." he continues, making 'up in lights' gestures with his hands. "...how 'bout, 'famous publisher...or, should I say, 'INfamous publisher, drives ex-wife to suicide.' How's that sound?"
Blair looks over at Todd, making a slightly apologetic face that turns into a worried one, when she sees how narrow his eyes are. She clutches her coffee cup to her chest, getting nervous, while Kevin shakes his head at him.
"You...are truly amazing. Really. I mean, Tea's miles away from here, dead, and you're..." he says, tipping his head. "...you're...partying...at ten o'clock in the morning, I might add. You really ARE a sick sonofabitch."
Kevin pauses at that, gauging Todd's reaction...but he just stands there, silent. Kevin waits, growing more impatient as the seconds pass.
"Y'know, if you wanna flush your life down the toilet, by all means, go right ahead. God knows the world would be MUCH better off...but...why'd you have to take Tea down with you? Huh? What did she ever do to deserve what you did to her? Nothing, that's what. But she's gone, and you're still here," he says, stepping forward.
"So tell me something...do you even CARE that she's dead? Huh? Does it make one bit of difference to you at all?"
A few tense seconds pass...then, without any warning, Todd throws the whiskey bottle at Kevin. Blair ducks, and so does Kevin, as the bottle shatters against the doorframe, just inches away from where Kevin's head was. Glass and whiskey fly out in a huge spray, as Todd runs up and shoves Kevin into the hallway, throwing him against the wall. Blair looks on, horrified, as Kevin sinks to the floor, wiping his eyes. Todd stands over him, looking down at him for a second, breathing hard.
"Don't you ever presume to talk to me about Tea...EVER," he says, quietly...then he goes back inside, slamming the door again. He walks right past Blair, who stands there, stock still, clutching her coffee cup with a death grip...almost holding her breath as he passes by, feeling the breeze in his wake. She cranes her neck, watching him as he goes into the living room, and sits down on the bottom step, burying his head in his hands.
She stays there for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then she brushes the whiskey out of her hair and off of her arms, as she takes a few steps in, crunching glass under her feet. She stops at the desk to put her stuff down, and starts to walk toward him, cautiously.
"Todd, I..." she starts, wringing her hands. "...look, I...I'm sorry about Kevin showing up here. I had no idea what was going on...he totally ambushed me."
She looks down at him, waiting...but he doesn't respond. After a moment, she squats down to his level.
"I'm sorry...about Tea. I know that probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but...I certainly never wished her dead. I really am sorry."
He sighs heavily from behind his hands. "She's not dead, Blair," he says, running his hands through his hair, as he stands up again and starts pacing. Making a surprised face, Blair moves onto the step, sitting down.
"Well...is she okay? I mean...what happened?"
Todd walks over to the window, letting his forehead touch the glass. "She's in the hospital...and she's definitely not okay."
Blair sighs, shaking her head. "What happened to your face?"
"Tea's guard-dog brother."
"Oh."
It's quiet between them for a moment, then Blair stands up, moving over to the couch. She sits down on the arm, facing him. She plays with the rings on her finger as she looks at his back, the wheels starting to turn in her head.
"What're you gonna do?" she asks, finally.
His face twists up at that, and he taps his forehead against the glass. "I don't know."
Another short silence...then Blair sighs again. "Why did we do this, Todd?"
Slowly, he turns to face her, leaning up against the window. "Why'd we do...what?"
She holds up her left hand, showing off the rings. "This," she says, twirling them around with her thumb. "I mean...there doesn't seem to be much of a point to it, especially since you're still so wrapped up with Tea."
She watches him, as he glances away, and thinks about it for a moment...then he wags his eyebrows. She nods.
"See? You're the one that asked me, and you don't even know."
"I do know," he replies, looking back at her. "We did it for Starr."
Blair half-laughs at that. "You say that with such enthusiasm, Todd...it's really touching. I almost buy it."
Todd's eyes narrow slightly...then he shakes his head. "You're fishing, Blair...I know you are. So what do you want from me now?"
She folds her arms, studying him...choosing her words. "I just...I wanna know where I stand with you, that's all. With everything that's happened, I think I deserve to know what you're planning to do."
They stare each other down for a moment...then Todd straightens up, taking a step toward her.
"Don't even think about it...DON'T...EVEN...think about it."
She raises her eyebrows. "What?" she asks, innocently.
"Appearances," he says, moving closer to her. "That's the only reason I married you, to do you a favor, so the state wouldn't take Starr from you...so don't you DARE start thinking that YOU can take her from ME."
Blair runs her tongue along the inside of her mouth, then laughs. "Years go by, and still...we never seem to get past this. Okay, so...what do I tell her, then? What do I tell YOUR DAUGHTER when you ABANDON her, YET AGAIN?"
By this time, Todd is standing right in front of her...but the word 'abandon' seems to hit him particularly hard, and he drops his head down. Blair just nods, looking at him with a self-satisfied glare.
"Yeah, y'know...I mean, she's getting a little old for magic frogs."
Todd's eyes dart up to her, but his head stays tipped down. Suddenly, he was so ashamed...so guilty. Even though he knows his relationship with Starr is fine, he suddenly feels like the lousy, deadbeat dad she was accusing him of being...something he never wanted to be. He can feel tears stinging his eyes...pain from the cut she just made.
Blair had such a way...SUCH a way of doing that...of cutting him right to the bone. She was so good at it...had a real talent for it, for luring him in with her comforting words...only to turn around and stab him in the back. He knows he should have gotten used to it by now, but somehow, he never did.
He sniffs, finally lifting his head. "I don't expect you to make excuses for me. When I decide what I'm going to do, I'll tell her myself."
She laughs again, louder...and right in his face, twisting the knife a little more. "Oh, you're...you are somethin' else. You ALWAYS do this," she says, walking a few feet away before she turns back around.
"You're always going over my head like this...making your little deals with Starr behind my back. I am so sick...and tired...of putting up with your shit, Todd. Either you're in her life, or you're not...you can't have it both ways, so make up your fucking mind!"
He stares at her, completely taken off-guard by her verbal assault...then he does a slight take, realizing.
"Ohhh...I see. You WANT me out, don't you??"
Blair folds her arms again. "What I WANT...is for YOU to face up to your responsibilities!! Something you've NEVER, EVER done in your whole miserable life!!"
Another hit...he reels from it for a second, before coming back at her. "BullSHIT...I know EXACTLY what you're thinking...you're thinking if I go, you'll have her all to yourself and you bad-mouth me all you want, while you disappear with her!"
"I don't HAVE to bad-mouth you, Todd...your actions speak for themselves."
"OH!!" he exclaims, in an exaggerated tone. "Oh, you're really on a roll, Cramer...talk about the pot and the fucking kettle...I'M not the one who shot her husband in the back!!"
Now it's Blair's turn to reel from a hit...Todd just stands there, waiting, as she gets her bearings again.
"Yeah, well...I still have a LONG way to go to beat YOUR high score, Manning," she finally says, starting to walk toward him.
"Come to think of it...Starr's getting older now...smarter. She's not a baby anymore, y'know," she says, in a more seductive tone, as she sidles up to him. Todd watches her with steely eyes as she walks her fingers up his chest, playfully...whispering to him.
"So...what do you think is gonna happen when she finds out about you, hmm? You know it's coming...maybe not today, maybe not this year, but...it's coming. Someday, she's gonna read those old newspapers, or someone's gonna ask her about it. Yeah...someone's gonna ask her what it's like to be the daughter of a convicted rapist...and by that time, I'm sure she'll have some idea what rape IS."
Todd feels a thousand different emotions running through him...colliding inside him...and as he looks at her, he sees the shadow of a woman he used to love...a woman who used to love him. Blair reacts to his face, to his eyes...which seem to be tearing up. It wasn't the reaction she expected, and it catches her off-guard...so when Todd reaches for her, she doesn't pull back. He touches her face, ever so lightly tracing along her cheek with his fingers. He takes in her features, something he hadn't done in a very long time...pretty, golden hair, smooth skin...and beautiful, light eyes that got passed along to Starr.
He remembers a time when he looked forward to spending the rest of his life with her...right before he went to Ireland. How could he have known...how could either of them have known...that they would end up here, like this...spending years fighting each other instead of all the hypocrites in Llanview, like they did before...like they planned to spend their careers doing with The Sun. Todd's eyes shine with wistful tears, wondering for a moment what could have been had he not left her.
But the moment passes quickly, as he remembers something else...that this was how Blair had always accomplished her goals...with him, or with anyone else, for that matter. She was a master at choosing just the right moment to go in for the kill...when her prey was at its weakest, and most desperate. He knew exactly what she was thinking...that what was going on with Tea would distract him enough, that he would forget about her and what he was holding over her head. He'd leave to be with Tea, giving her a clear shot at taking Starr and disappearing without a trace.
For all her cunning, she was so predictable...and so tiring. He was so tired...tired of being pushed around, put down and played with. The last twenty-four hours had shredded his insides...and now, here was Blair, clawing at what was left...pushing every one of his buttons, trying to find the one that will give her what she wants...
...never knowing when to stop.
Blair doesn't stop him from touching her...instead, she plays it up, rubbing her cheek against his palm.
"C'mon, Todd," she whispers. "Y'know Starr's better off with me. You've always known that. You know you can't give her what she needs."
Todd just stares back at her, expressionless...but Blair stays her course, as he brings her face closer to his.
"Say whatever you want, but I know you. You're too scared to really give yourself to anyone...as a husband, as a lover...as a father. That's why you're always running away," she says, looking deeply into his eyes, working it.
"...you know I never expected you to be anything you weren't...and I accepted you for who you were. I understood that you couldn't be there for Starr then, and I'm willing to understand that you can't be there for her now."
Todd reacts to that, a little, his eyebrow arching slightly...but the rest of his surface stays calm...not giving away the anger that has started taking over.
"Mmmm...as long as I give you what you want," he replies, flatly.
Blair actually giggles at that, thinking she's already won. "See? We still understand each other," she says, as Todd puts both hands to her cheeks, cupping her face. She makes a face, suddenly feeling his grip tightening.
"Yeah," he breathes, in a chilling whisper. "I understand YOU...perfectly."
With that, he shoves her away from him, hard. She gasps as she trips backward, nearly falling down.
"I UNDERSTAND...that you're trying to play me the way you've ALWAYS played me."
She stares back at him, incredulous...backing up as he starts to advance on her.
"So you're sick and tired of putting up with MY shit? Yeah, well...I'm JUST as sick, and JUST as tired of dealing with YOURS. I married you to do you a favor...and what do I get? I get played for a sucker. You KNOW what I'm going through right now, and you're trying to use it against me," he says, still low and cold.
"You have no sympathy, Blair...no mercy...so I think one good turn deserves another."
Blair shakes her head, speechless...realizing she's become the focus of his rage. She keeps backing up, but he moves in quick, pushing her back by the shoulders.
"Still wanna play? C'mon...let's go," he says, as she tries to go for the door. He steps around her, fast...and she shrinks back when he pops up in front of her, blocking her way.
"I don't think so...it's MY turn now."
He pushes her again, sending her tripping back into the living room. Blair catches herself again, and in a sudden surge of retaliatory anger, she pushes him back.
"Don't you touch me!" she yells, but Todd just comes at her again...and this time, he slaps her lightly, just upside the head.
Blair gasps, more out of surprise than anything else. It didn't hurt...but suddenly, she felt so...degraded...and has to stare at him for a second, before trying to get away again. She steps to the side, but he steps in front of her...and does the same when she steps to the other side, cocking an eyebrow at her. She notices that his eyes have covered over with an eerie glaze, as he steps toward her again, and she backs up, toward the couch. His mouth curls up into the smallest of grins.
"What's the matter, Blair? You scared?"
"This isn't funny, Todd...knock it off!"
"I thought you said you KNEW me," he replies...so quietly, it gives her the chills. She takes a deep breath, trying not to reveal her growing uneasiness.
"Look, whatever you're doing...just stop, okay?"
He steps right up to her, and she tries to back up again, but the couch is blocking her way. She wobbles a bit, almost falling...but she steadies herself, and looks back into his emotionless eyes, as he tips his head, studying her.
"Why would you be scared of me...if you know me so well?"
"I'm NOT," she fires back, getting in his face. "And I know you well enough to know you're just trying to bully me...trying to scare me with your stupid stalker tactics."
Todd half-laughs. "Trying? More like succeeding."
"Fuck you, Todd! You don't scare me one damned bit! So get the hell outta my way!" she yells...even though she can feel her insides knotting up.
"Oh, I'm just getting started...didn't you know?" he says...then, quick as lightning, he surprises her with another light slap upside the head.
Blair reels from the hit...putting a hand to the spot, even though, again, it didn't hurt. She grits her teeth, angrily...then launches into him. They struggle for a bit, with Blair slapping him as hard as she can, wherever she can get one in...and Todd trying to get a hold of her, eventually managing to grab her wrists. Blair gasps as he pulls her into him, hard, holding her wrists with an iron grip.
"You know me so well? Tell me what I'm thinking now," he says, through clenched teeth.
"Let me go!!"
"I'm THINKING," he whispers, harshly, shaking her a little. "...of what I used to do to manipulative BITCHES like YOU."
Blair breathes fast and shallow, knowing how trapped she is...how helpless she is against him. She says nothing, but her eyes are wide with panic now...and Todd lifts his chin at that.
"How's it feel, Blair? How's it feel to be the prey? You like that? Huh?!!" he says, shaking her again.
"Fuckin' pervert!!! I said LET ME GO!!!" she yells back, struggling...trying to free one of her legs so she can kick him...but he steps around her, trapping her legs between his, bringing them even closer. She lets out a frustrated grunt, as her eyes start tearing up.
Todd stares at her for a moment, and as he listens to her ragged, panicked breathing, he suddenly realizes how scared she really is...and what he's doing. He blinks, as if waking up for a moment...and Blair sees the change in his expression.
She swallows hard. "Todd...please," she whispers, barely able to get the words out.
"Please...let me go...you're hurting me..."
He blinks again, his eyes widening a bit...then he suddenly lets go of her wrists, and backs off. Blair lets out a harsh breath, and falls down on the couch, as Todd covers his face with his hands, stepping back until he hits the mantle. Then he sinks down, dropping onto his knees.
"Oh my god..." he mutters, over and over, from behind his hands.
Blair puts a hand to her chest, trying to calm herself. She stares at him...wanting to run, but still too afraid to say or do anything. Suddenly though, she hears the sound of a key in the door...she looks over to see Kelly, stepping inside with Starr.
She stands up, fast. "Kelly! Wait! Watch the glass!!"
Kelly and Starr both freeze in their tracks...then they both look down at the mess on the floor. Then they both look over at Blair, at her tear-stained eyes and terrified face...and then at Todd, who still sits on the floor, his face still buried.
"Oh my...god..." Kelly says, carefully stepping forward. "What the hell happened here?"
Blair sniffles, wiping her face. Starr steps into the living room, eyes wide...not knowing what she's walked in on, but getting a bad feeling all the same.
"Mommy...are you okay?"
Todd drops his hands at the sound of Starr's voice...he looks over at her as Blair throws her arms around her.
"Ohhh, sweetie...yeah, I'm okay...I just...uh..." she starts. She sniffs and wipes her eyes again, pulling away to look over at Todd.
"...Daddy and I...we just...had a little...disagreement, that's all. Everything's okay."
Starr stares back at her mother, unconvinced...then she looks over at Todd, whose face also tells a much different story. Kelly jumps in, immediately running to her cousin's aid.
"You sure you're okay, Blair?" she asks, turning to Todd before Blair can even say anything.
"Did you hurt her??" she then asks...loudly, accusingly.
All eyes are on Todd now...but the only ones he cares about are Starr's. She looks between him and Blair, her beautiful eyes wide with confusion. He can only look back at her with the most regretful, apologetic face...trying to answer...but unable to speak. Blair stands there with Kelly, looking down at him...and after a moment, she sniffs again, clearing her throat.
"No...it was just a...a stupid argument, like I said. Let's just forget it, okay?"
Kelly glares down at Todd for a second longer...then she turns back to Blair. "Are you SURE?" she asks again.
"YES," Blair replies, getting impatient. She grabs Starr's hand, rubbing it between hers, nervously.
"So, uh...what do you say we get outta here, huh?" she asks, kneeling down to her level.
Starr makes a confused face. "Well...I thought we were gonna have breakfast here...besides, Daddy's back," she replies, brightening a little, trying to lighten the mood...but it doesn't work. An awkward silence fills the room, and her face quickly sours again, when she sees that their faces don't change. She looks over at Todd again, with pleading eyes...silently begging him to tell her what's going on. Todd sighs, running a hand through his hair, before reaching his hand out to her.
"Starr---"
But that quick, Blair grabs Starr, pulling her back...and Kelly, Starr and Todd all jump at her sudden move.
"Don't you touch her!" she hisses. Todd stares back at her for a moment, like she just punched him...then looks guiltily at Starr, who makes a more worried face.
"Mommy...what's wrong with you?"
From her distance, Kelly sees the heavy, vicious look Blair is giving Todd...and how she's holding Starr, as if trying to protect her from the devil himself. She makes a face, getting a really bad feeling about what might have happened between them. After another moment, Blair breaks her stare, and loosens her grip around Starr a bit.
"Oh, I'm...I'm sorry, sweetie. Let's just go, okay?"
"But I wanna talk to Daddy," Starr protests.
"NO," she replies, firmly...then, more gently. "No. This is NOT a good time, okay? Later."
Todd's eyes follow Blair as she gets up, keeping a hold of Starr's hand. And as he stares up at her, he suddenly feels like he's ten years old again...staring up at her in much the same way he used to stare up at his father...with that all too familiar mixture of guilt and shame. Then he looks over at Starr, who keeps looking between them, still trying to figure out what's going on. He shuts his eyes for a second, thoroughly embarrassed...then he sniffs, roughly wiping his face.
"Look, Starr, just...go with your mom, okay? I'll talk to you later," he says, unable to look at her anymore.
"But Dad, I---"
"Everything's...fine. Go ahead...go," he whispers, putting his face in his hands again.
Starr sucks her lip in...then she tips her head down, sadly, as Blair walks away, pulling her along. Kelly stays where she is for a moment, arms folded, looking down at Todd...then she shakes her head, and follows them out.
Todd hears the crunching of glass as they step through the foyer...then the door opening and slamming shut. He sits there on the floor for a while longer, then finally gets up...very slowly, like he was a million years old now, instead of the child he just felt like a minute ago. He shuffles over to the foyer and makes an attempt to clean up the mess, picking up the pieces of glass strewn everywhere. But there are so many pieces...too many...and he finds that he can't get them all...he can't make it any better...he can't fix it. And suddenly, all he can think of...is Tea...and how he can't seem to help her, either. He stares at the pile of glass in his hands...at the mess he made in the first place...and somehow, feels as if he's staring at his own life.
Exhausted, and drained, Todd simply opens his hands...letting all the glass fall back on the floor. Then he sinks down along the doorframe, and onto the floor with them...sitting in and amongst his mess, as he pulls his knees up to his chest, and buries his face again.
To Be Continued...
