A single votive candle throws out as much light as it can, fighting against the darkness of the space around it. Its tiny flame bends and shivers, reacting to the breeze from Roseanne's mouth, as she whispers to herself...words so strange that they almost sound like another language. The light dances on her face, giving it a strange, eerie glow as she stares at the flame intensely, oblivious to the world around her...
...until finally, the flame sputters and burns itself out. Roseanne blinks rapidly, shaking her head, snapping out of her self-induced trance. It takes her a minute to realize where she is...then her eyes fall on the burnt-out candle. She picks it up, looking at it in the dim, available light from the hallway outside.
"Shit," she mutters, then goes digging under her mattress for the box of votives she had smuggled into the prison. Feeling suddenly drained, she looks at the box, sighing...then shakes her head, stuffing the box back under the mattress. She gets up, placing the burnt-out candle in the sink before collapsing onto her cot.
She turns onto her stomach, staring out at the hallway through the bars...listening to the distant sounds of the guards, talking quietly among themselves. Exhausted from her nightly ritual, she closes her eyes, letting her head drop onto her pillow...wondering if all of her hard work is paying off as she falls asleep.
*****
A moving truck makes its way through the night, on a heavily wooded secondary road headed eastward. The driver stares blankly at the road in front of him...turning the wheel this way and that way, following the curves as he zones out. It isn't long before his head starts to dip down, and his eyelids start to droop. When his head gets heavy enough, he suddenly perks up, blinking himself awake...just in time to see a sharp curve in the road. He turns the wheel, shaking his head, still trying to wake himself up. He takes his eyes off the road for just a second...
...and when he looks back, he notices a pair of glowing green dots in the distance. He squints, taking his foot off the gas, trying to see what it is. The truck slows, but still moves toward the object at a pretty good clip. Finally, it gets close enough to become fully visible in the headlights.
The driver's eyes widen suddenly when he sees the deer standing in the middle of the road, frozen by the headlights in its face. Reacting before he can think, he slams on the brakes, turning the wheel to avoid hitting it. The tires make a heinous squealing sound as the truck spins around. Finally out of the glare of the lights, the deer takes off into the woods on the other side of the road, oblivious to what is happening.
The driver realizes he's lost control...just as the truck tips over onto its side, slamming down...the force of the impact breaks the trailer doors open, and the cargo goes flying out onto the road, as the truck skids along, creating sparks. Hanging on for dear life inside, the driver catches a glimpse out the windshield, screaming curse words to himself as he sees the embankment coming toward him.
Just then, the truck seems to magically slow its skid, coming to rest at the edge. The driver looks out the windshield again, just in time to see two large crates go over the side. He looks after them, listening as they smash against the hillside. The crates splinter and break open, spewing out broken pieces of the two custom-made, mahogany cradles that were inside.
*****
In her cell, Roseanne suddenly wakes up, startled. She sits up, eyes wide, overcome by a sense of...something. She doesn't know what, or how, or why...or even who...but she feels it inside.
Something just happened...somewhere...
...and as she sits there in the dark, she knows...
...it's started.
*****
The sounds that break through the blackness of Todd's sleep are disturbing and terrifying to him; they're high pitched and tell a wordless, dark story. He soon recognizes them as his own childhood screams, the ones that accompanied his splintering into bits and pieces, his creating alters which would allow him to survive ... his childhood. The shrieks rip into him and he tries to open his eyes to see his assailant, but it's no use. He remains blind and frozen amidst
the cries, beneath the relentless attacks on his body.
You face me, Peter, you face me. You don't have to sneak up on me anymore - I know you.
But despite his terror, he knows that hearing those screams are good for him - that to hear and see what happened to make him who he was, is a necessary and a freeing ... evil.
Yes - that's right. Evil. The real thing. Apart from absorbing it through memories from his past, he knows evil as a living, breathing thing - he is personal and friendly with it. It crawls through him like a parasite, sucking the joy from his being, from his soul. He's learned to live with it; he'll never be rid of it ... and it has put him on a first-name basis with its progeny, with its brothers and sisters. And they know him as one of their own. Tonight ... he's feeling that evil again. Hearing it in the tortured cries of a boy, feeling it all around him.
Todd at last pops his eyes open and realizes the babies are crying ... both of them, Brendan and Evan. He sits up, panting a bit from the dream, perspiring a little. Noticing Tea struggle to get up, still sore from the c-section, Todd gently places his hand on her shoulder.
"No," he says, "Don't get up, I'll get them."
"Todd," Tea mumbles, lying back on the bed, "You can't take care of both of them."
"Watch me," he says lightheartedly, covering up the creepy-crawly feeling he still has all over him. He shivers in the cold of the Penthouse and vows to up the thermostat because it's too crisp for those precious boys in their basinets. They are only two weeks old, tiny, and have just gotten home from neonatal care, their first night home. Some night, Todd thinks. He also vows to increase the wattage on those measly night lights ... maybe get a set of those lights you can just press on, the glow-y, stick-on kind advertised on the television at three in the morning. Yeah, buy like ten of them, so they'll brighten the way to the basinets from the bed. Down the stairs... it'll look like Disneyland.
Todd leans into the first basinet and picks up Brendan, avoiding the instinctual desire to bounce him as he holds him. Then he leans over and picks up Evan, simply slipping his hand and arm beneath the baby. Both now in Todd's arms, Todd skillfully supporting their heads on delicate necks with his hands. So fragile, he thinks.
Sort of rocking them gently, Todd says, "Ta-da!"
Tea laughs quietly amidst their crying and he thinks that's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard, smiling at it. He walks out of the room to the nursery, flipping on the low-level light with his elbow. He places Brendan in the crib - still far too big for the two-week old baby. He places Evan on the changing table and both are screaming again. He unwraps Evan, who cries even harder at being exposed to the air, and removes the diaper, squinting at seeing the baby's... injuries. The umbilical stump still hasn't fallen off yet despite their concerted efforts at the hospital and the baby's tiny penis still is wrapped in gauze from the circumcision he got today. Oh, Todd had fought that - fought hard against the doctors and even Tea. He didn't want his boys cut. That was too much for him to take. But he finally gave in to that bit of torture on the basis of health reasons and he regretted it. He still regrets it even though it's healthier and easier ... blah ... blah ... It's still getting cut, he thinks.
He finishes diapering Evan, wrapping him up tightly in the blanket ... wraps him the way Carlotta Vega showed Tea and him earlier. Tight like a burrito - like the ones that Tea liked so much while pregnant. Taco Bell Supreme number one and Taco Bell Supreme number two, he joked about the boys being swaddled so tightly. He quickly lays Evan down and picks up Brendan who is screaming like crazy, hiccupping cries now that he was abandoned for so long. Todd keeps apologizing and realizes Evan is continuing to cry. He glances at him, but pushes forward with the changing of Brendan. Unlike Evan, Brendan's umbilical stump fell off the way it was supposed to - but he too has that gauze on his penis and it only reminds Todd again of what feels like his willful assault on his sons.
He stops a moment at that thought and breathes deeply, thinking of a number of unmentionable things, including Tea's continuing recovery from her own terrifying experience, but pushes the dark thoughts aside...finishing Brendan's changing, swaddling him securely. He then carries Brendan in his arms and picks up Evan. He walks with both of them downstairs, both crying because they're hungry. The classic 2:00 a.m. feeding; which followed a 9:00 p.m. feeding, an 11:00 p.m. feeding and will most likely precede a 4:00 a.m. feeding, and then maybe a 7:00... then ...
"God, you guys - can you learn to eat just a little bit less?" he mutters to them affectionately, kissing Brendan on his warm head.
Once in the kitchen, he sets Brendan down on a baby-seat on the floor, hating to step away from him. He holds Evan because he's smaller - and Todd feels some sort of obligation to him first. Evan seems the more needy one - the weaker one. He pulls the bottles out of the refrigerator and sticks them both in the automatic warmer. Waits the appropriate amount of time and then sets the bottles down on the coffee table. He gets Brendan and seats himself in the big rocker, with both boys in his arms, staring at the bottles two feet away.
"Well...this is interesting," he says. The boys are crying and he rocks a little, trying to figure out how to get the bottles to the babies. He wishes he was Russian and could bend spoons. Maybe the bottles would simply float to him, like magic.
Black magic, he suddenly thinks, but shakes away the thought, not knowing where it came from. He then hears Tea's gentle laughter behind him.
"It's complicated with two," she says. "When you're all alone."
Todd turns up and sees her tired face, her amused smile. She moves around and picks up one of the babies, settling into the rocker next to Todd after grabbing one of the bottles. Todd gets the other one and they both proceed to feed their boys.
Todd and Tea look at each other as they both bottle-feed the boys, smiling softly at each other. Todd mouths the words, "I love you." Tea says it back and shakes her head in disbelief - at the incredulousness that they are both here rocking their boys, their children, and sharing a part of life that is indeed miraculous. They'd all been though so much.
Todd knows that bottle-feeding is not what Tea had wanted, he can see it in her eyes, the tinge of sadness at not being able to nurse her sons. She'd tried to breast-feed, but with the boys being premature they needed special formula to give them an extra boost. Plus, to nurse twins would keep her practically a slave to the breast-feeding, or so it seemed to him. She compromised by pumping breast milk every four hours and alternating it with the special formula. Nevertheless, the coldness of a machine against her breast was a far cry from their loving suckles.
When the children finish their bottles, and the boys more or less burp, a difficult process due to their smallness, Todd and Tea sit in the dreamy light with their children who are now sleeping peacefully.
Tea says in a whisper, "You seemed upset earlier - did you have ... a bad dream?"
Todd thinks that he'd been covering up pretty well - how the hell did she know? He shrugs, whispers back, "Yeah...the boys' crying ... kinda made me dream stuff...how long had they been crying? I just couldn't wake up."
"They just started, amor - just as you sat up - you didn't let them suffer long."
She smiled at him and he looked down at Brendan. Sometimes Tea's own peacefulness saddened him because he knew she was still haunted by her experiences and whatever quiet acceptance she had gained had come from very hard work. From having these boys. Again - hard work.
"That's weird," Todd says. "The dream had been going on ... oh well. I'm sure it's just stress, you know ... the whole thing with Shelton getting out...whatever." He avoids Tea's eyes, because he doesn't want to reveal just how angry he is about Dean - about her captor being out. He grits his teeth.
"Um ... have we heard anything?" Tea asks, biting her lip.
Todd turns to her, "No. No ... let's get these boys to bed. I don't want to mention that bastard around the boys."
Tea's eyes immediately dart over in his direction. She almost turns her head...but catches herself, and is glad she does. She covers up by directing her attention to Brendan, snoozing away in her arms. But the relief is quickly replaced by anger...at Todd, for referring to Dean that way. She steals a glance at him, watches him as he gathers all the baby stuff and starts to get up with Evan.
She sighs quietly...he just didn't understand, and probably never would. Then she makes a face, getting mad at herself, for reacting at all. It shouldn't bother her, she thinks, looking back down at her sleeping boy.
Put yourself in his shoes...if you were him, you'd hate the guy too. You'd be calling him a lot worse than that. It shouldn't bother you.
Todd shifts Evan around a little, to get a better hold on him...not much work, since the tiny boy fits nicely in the crook of his arm.
He looks at Tea. "Ready?"
She looks up at him, and nods...then stands up as slowly as she can, and follows him toward the stairs, with Brendan in her arms.
Shouldn't...but it does...and she realizes that she's going to have to be careful. Todd was already suspicious enough about her feelings toward Dean. The fact that she had any feelings at all toward him that weren't angry bothered him greatly. It bothered her too...but they still remained...a sore spot between them. But with all the other things going on, it was easy enough to dismiss...god knows they were both just so tired of dealing with the whole thing. Just thinking about it was exhausting her...so she dismisses it again, wanting only to be with her family.
They walk carefully upstairs, one behind the other and soon place the babies into their lace- covered basinets, too frilly for Todd, but insisted upon by Carlotta. She and her suspicious ways, Todd had thought as he had looked at the boys surrounded by lace, Tea on his arm. "It's good luck, to surround them with beauty," Carlotta had told Todd, who had wanted to take away the lacy junk. "It will lead them to a beautiful life," she had concluded. Who was he to argue with that? He'd finally given in, the way he'd been giving in to everything when it came to Brendan and Evan.
But, when he was alone, when Tea and Carlotta had finished putting the lace around the basinets, when they finally lay the babies down for a nap, Todd had bent down to the sleeping boys and whispered to them, "You guys need all the luck you can get - so ... don't sweat the lace ... it's a formality ... just a formality - you're both still men ... in spirit. You got a little growing to do...but you're still men."
Todd and Tea lie down on their bed, Todd pulling Tea close to him, hugging her delicately so as not to hurt her incision.
"You're amazing," he says. "How'd you get to be so strong?"
"Women are naturally strong," she answers, teasing him.
"No - it's more than that."
"I don't know - maybe knowing you're with me. Knowing how strong YOU are. That helps ... so much. And the boys - they've given me something that's far beyond words..."
"What's it like? Knowing that two people came out of you?"
"It's ... hard to explain. Growing up, I was taught about miracles. I ...thought I believed in them, understood them ... but until a couple of weeks ago, I didn't realize what it really was. When I saw those boys - I learned what a miracle was." Tea started to tear up, Todd kissing her cheeks. "Todd - we could have lost them so many times. I could have..."
"Shhh...we didn't lose them - I didn't lose you. I know what a miracle is, too. You ... you're one."
Tea smiles at him, kissing his lips, feeling them with hers. She can see, though, in his eyes, something - she realizes that it's fear.
"You're really worried about Dean? You ... um ... don't have to be," she says, placing her hand on the side of his face.
He doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to pick his words, trying not to show how deeply connected he's feeling to ... that other side. "Tea," he finally says. "Isn't there a saying that goes, He that giveth can taketh away?"
"Now it's my turn to say, shush."
"No - listen to me, we've been ... so damn lucky. You and me - here. The boys - Shelton, well, he's another bastard and I'm used to dealing with that. I mean what's one more, you know? But I keep thinking that everything else is just ... so ... temporary. That the good feelings I have ... that ... it's all going to slip away again. That something is going to happen ... -"
"I know ... that's what I was trying to say-"
"No - you were talking about what could have happened in the past- I'm talking about what CAN happen. That's always been a fundamental difference between you and me."
"And what is that?"
"The fact that you always seemed willing to just forge ahead - to not be concerned about ... what could happen. Like with me - you ... always said you trusted that I wouldn't hurt you. You were ready to take a leap that I could never do."
Tea wraps her arms around him, closing her eyes to her own fears about the future, about the fragility of everything around them. How very passing happiness could be.
"Miracles," she whispered. "We just have to believe in them - and realize that we're entitled to have them."
"Yeah," Todd whispers back, shrugging. "Miracles..."
As the minutes wear on, Tea soon falls asleep, but Todd doesn't, his eyes remain open, on the watch, hoping like hell their miracles will continue. Hoping like hell they exist at all.
*****
The sun comes up way too fast when you've been awake more than you've been asleep. Tea slowly makes her way down the stairs, squinting at the bright light filling the living room...feeling like she didn't sleep at all. She gets about halfway down and sees Todd, sprawled all over the couch, an arm over his eyes...completely passed out, surrounded by baby blankets and bottles, looking like the typical new dad under siege.
She cracks up...then looks down and sees her little ones, in their respective baby seats on the floor right underneath him...both awake, but amazingly quiet, just squirming around. She has to catch her breath at the sight...and she can't help but smile, big and wide...suddenly feeling more awake than she's ever been.
Then she looks around the living room...and realizes what an absolute mess the place is...everything from takeout containers to unopened baby gifts, just everywhere. She sighs heavily, as she bends down to pick up some of the mess...then the soreness stops her in her tracks. She straightens up, taking another look around. Then she sighs again, making a "screw it" gesture, ignoring it all and sitting down on the floor with her boys instead. They both see her and react...their eyes and their mouths open wider, stretching their little arms and legs.
Tea looks at them both...and laughs out loud...the best kind of laugh, the one of pure delight that comes from way down. She quickly covers her mouth, not wanting to wake Todd...but it's too late. He sits up immediately, looking everywhere...finally, he looks down and sees her.
"Ohhhh...." The noise spills out of him as he rubs his face. He pulls his hair back, blinking at her with bleary eyes.
"What're YOU laughin' at?" he mutters, then sees how bright and wide her eyes are...how happy. It's a sight he hasn't seen in what feels like forever...and it wakes him up instantly. He slides off the couch and onto the floor, resting his head in her lap. Tea smiles down at him, then points at the boys.
"Check these guys out," she says, making faces at them. Evan lets out a noise, like that of a tiny bird, kicking his legs while Brendan just stares at them, quiet and still, his head propped up against the side of the seat...his eyes open, really open now...not just squinting anymore. Todd notices this, and starts to reach out to him...
...then he stops short, feeling that familiar anxiety he felt when he first got to know Starr...afraid to touch such a tiny being...afraid he'll break him. He makes a face, knowing it doesn't make any sense...he's already held and changed and fed this kid a zillion times. But this was different...this wasn't some necessary action. It was just a simple show of affection, a father wanting to touch his son's tiny hand. He suddenly wonders if ANYONE wanted to touch him like that when HE was that young...if anyone even CARED enough about him then.
Tea sees this, and looks at Brendan...and somehow, knows what Todd is thinking. Without a word, she guides his hand toward the baby. Slowly, cautiously, Todd stretches out a finger and makes contact with the baby's tiny hand. It suddenly fills him with warmth...strange, but nice.
He grins. "We got the strong silent type over here...ooh. Wow," he says, as Brendan instinctively grabs his finger, and squeezes pretty hard for a two-week old.
Tea giggles at that, then turns her attention back to Evan...who seems to be getting the biggest kick out of her facial contortions, making his happy noises and looking deeply into her eyes with his own. She and Todd stay like that for a while, just playing with the kids on the floor until the phone rings. Todd groans, annoyed by the intrusion of the rest of the world into their lives yet again. He wrestles his finger out of Brendan's grasp and feels around on the couch for the phone. Tea gets up as he barks into the handset.
"Yeah, what?"
She cracks up at his familiar rudeness, rolling her eyes a little before turning and heading for the kitchen.
"Wait a minute...wait, wait, hold on. WHAT did you just say??"
Tea stops in her tracks and turns around, looking at him as he stands up. She gives him a questioning look, seeing the concern in his face. Still listening to the person on the other end, all Todd can do is close his eyes, sighing.
"BOTH of them?? And when did THIS happen...huh...yeah. Yeah...right, okay...yeah...yeah, damn straight you'll get the bill for them."
With that, he hangs up and tosses the phone on the couch. Tea walks up to him as he covers his face, growling behind it.
"What?"
He lets his hands drop, his face suddenly darker now, distracted. Tea bends to get in his line of sight.
"Todd...what? What happened?"
He looks at her and sighs again, shaking his head. "The cradles are gone."
Tea makes a face, confused...then suddenly remembers. "Oh, the...the ones from Montana? The ones you had built?"
He nods. "The truck they were on crashed," he says, distracted again.
"Oh my god...is the driver okay?"
He doesn't answer...Tea reaches up and turns his face to look at her.
"Did anybody get hurt?"
He shakes his head, absent-mindedly. "No...driver's okay...but both of the cradles fell down some hill and...smashed, I guess."
She sighs. "Wow," she says, not knowing what else to say. Then she rubs his arm affectionately.
"I'm sorry...I know they must've been beautiful. But...at least no one was hurt," she says, then walks away from him to pick up the babies.
Todd stays somewhat frozen where he is, preoccupied by what he's feeling now...a creepy feeling, akin to what he felt last night. A minute ago he was as close to happy as he'd ever been...and just like that, it had all turned around...that quick. Now, he was...nervous...even a little scared.
But why? They're just cradles, for god's sake. Who cares?
He makes a face, knowing it wasn't the cradles at all, actually. They were just things...but still...things that were meant to hold their children and rock them to sleep...
Tea's voice snaps him back to reality. "Can you get Brendan?" she asks, as she passes by him carrying Evan in his seat. She disappears into the kitchen, leaving him alone with the baby, still quiet on the floor. Todd sighs heavily, trying to shake off the dark mood as he picks up the seat and holds it up, looking at Brendan eye-to-eye. And it doesn't take long before Todd finds himself grinning, seeing his son's calm, contented eyes staring right back at him.,p>
"Y'know, you just made me forget what I was thinking about. That's good...keep doin' that," he says quietly, then pulls the seat to him and plants a kiss on Brendan's hand. They share one more look between them, then Todd lowers his arm and carries his son into the kitchen...feeling a little better, but at the same time, still feeling like he did last night...
...like he has to stay awake, and keep a watchful eye out...for whatever it is he feels is coming.
To Be Continued...
