Dean enters the smoky pub, shaking off the rain again. He looks around, his eyes adjusting to the dim light. In the very back, he sees a dark-haired man sitting against the wall, drinking alone. Dean squints, unable to see clearly...but his gut tells him that's the man he's there to meet. So he turns toward the bar, holding up one finger to the bartender. The bartender nods, grabbing a glass and pouring him a pint. Dean nods back, taking the glass and handing over some money as he walks toward the back of the pub.
The dark-haired man sitting at the very back table looks up as Dean walks up to him, stopping a few feet away. The dark-haired man sits back, looking him up and down.
"Got somethin' to say, do ya?" he asks, in a deep, heavily accented voice.
Dean takes a sip of his beer, nodding. "Yeah...this country of yours really sucks."
The man stares at him blankly for a moment...then he cracks up, as he gets up to shake his hand.
"Well, you can just sod off back to America then, can't ya?" he says. Dean laughs back, and the two men share a short hug...the manly kind where they slap each other on the back. They both sit down, giving each other a good once-over. The dark-haired man sits back, settling into the hard wood bench.
"So...how're ya? Been a long time."
Dean nods, taking another long sip. "Oh, y'know...hangin' in there. Hating all this fuckin' rain. How you been, man?"
The dark-haired man tips his head slightly, shrugging. "Surviving. I'll tell you, though...I was glad to get the call on this gig. I really need the cash."
Dean nods again. "Yeah. Listen, man...thanks for calling me in. I know you didn't have to do that."
"Listen, if they wanna get this done right, they gotta pay for the right people. I'm not about to do this alone...or with some bloody kid who doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground."
"Yeah, but...I'm still hot from that fiasco back home, you know that. You coulda found someone a little less...high-profile."
The dark-haired man leans in toward him. "Yeah, I did hear about that...quite a mess, wasn't it?"
Dean leans in as well, running a finger along the rim of his glass...his mind suddenly far away.
"Yeah...me and my bright ideas."
The dark-haired man stares at him for a moment. "Gotta admit, it's not like you to fuck up like that. What happened?"
Dean looks up at that...then shakes his head, sighing. "What can I say...seemed easy enough. Thought I had it all covered, y'know? But then it just got totally outta control, the whole thing...and to be honest, I still don't know how it happened."
The dark-haired man nods, slowly. "Mmmmm...well...underestimating the situation. That'll do it every time."
Dean makes a face. "Well, I don't think it was the situation so much...as the people."
"Ah, well...there you go, then. Doesn't matter how long you been at this game...you can never tell what people are gonna do. NEVER. I wouldn't beat myself up over that."
Dean stares at him, with a seriousness that makes the dark-haired man take notice.
"Yeah, well...the worst part was that somebody got hurt because of me. Somebody who shouldn't have been...and I DO beat myself up over THAT."
The dark-haired man studies him again, getting a little concerned. "You sure you're up for this? I mean, you seem pretty distracted...and no offense, but if you're gonna help me, you gotta be on your game. Otherwise...a LOT of people might get hurt...and YOU might get us both killed."
He watches carefully, as Dean looks away, taking a moment to think about that. Then he looks back at him.
"Sorry...I don't mean to make you nervous. I'm up for it...and I'm not gonna space on you, don't worry...my game's still on."
The dark-haired man lingers on his eyes, deciding for himself...then he nods, banging his empty glass on the table. Across the room, the bartender looks up at him, nodding back. The dark-haired man leans in toward Dean again, closer this time, resting on his elbows.
"Alright...but let's get something straight right now," he says, his voice low. "If I even START to think you're not pulling your weight, I'm cuttin' ya loose. We clear?"
Dean nods. "Clear."
"Excellent," the dark-haired man replies, as the bartender brings over two more pints. He pays the bartender, waiting for him to walk off before speaking again.
"Now...you got the e-mail, right?"
Dean sits back, starting on his new beer. "Yeah."
"Good...I'll be sending you another by tomorrow morning, after I find out what's what. Then I'll meet you for tea later on...we'll go over the whole thing then."
Dean cracks up at that. "You guys and your fuckin' tea...what's up with that? Is it like a law or something? Even the dudes have to have tea everyday?"
The dark-haired man grins at him. "Ah, come on now. It'll be fun...besides, I know how much you love wearin' dresses...you can even wear your little lace gloves and all."
"Mmmm...only if you're wearin' yours," Dean quips back. Both of them share a laugh...then it dies down, and both of them work on their beers for a moment. Dean glances around, then looks back at the dark-haired man.
"Listen, man," he starts, slouching in his seat. "How long, do you figure...before we hit it?"
The dark-haired man makes a face, thinking.. "Dunno...if I had to guess, I'd probably say...three more days, four at the most. Why?"
Dean takes another sip, then a deep breath. "I got a small favor to ask."
The dark-haired man cocks an eyebrow, as Dean leans in toward him, lowering his voice.
"I need to get some people over here."
"What people? What for?"
Dean takes another deep breath. "I have this...friend...back in the States, and---"
The dark-haired man cuts him off. "Have you lost your fuckin' mind? I can't do that."
"Wait...just hear me out, okay?" Dean asks. "She's been through a lotta bad shit lately. I mean REALLY bad shit. She just had twins, and her old man's a head case...violent, abusive, know what I mean?"
The dark-haired man rolls his eyes, hearing the word 'she.' "Well, I'm very sorry about all that. But like I said, I CAN'T DO what you're askin'."
"You can if you take it out of my cut."
The dark-haired man does a take at that...then he half-laughs. "You're not fuckin' around here, are ya? You REALLY want to ship your girlfriend AND her bloody kids all the way over here."
"She's not my girlfriend."
"Whatever. You have any idea what kind of money you're talkin' about?"
Dean sits back, nodding. The dark-haired man sits back as well, looking at him in amazement.
"So...you're willing to give up at least HALF of your whole bloody cut for this...woman."
Dean wags his eyebrows at that, then shrugs a little. "I got no choice, man. I owe her...I owe her big...and this is probably the last chance I'll have to do anything for her. I mean, once the job's done, I gotta disappear..." he starts, his eyes focusing on the dim candlelight, dancing on his glass.
"...and I can't do that without knowing she's gonna be alright. Now I can do this without you...but since I don't have any connections over here, it'd take too long. She's gotta get outta there NOW."
The dark-haired man sighs heavily...and Dean looks up at him, waiting a few seconds before speaking again.
"Look, man...I know this isn't just something you can take care of with a phone call. I know how much work we're talking about. But it's IMPORTANT...and I'll give up whatever I gotta give up to get it done," he says, leaning in again.
"...so will you help me, or what?"
The dark-haired man stares at him for a moment...then shakes his head. "You're outta your fuckin' mind, Shelton, I'm tellin' ya. Even IF I help you, you think that husband of hers is just gonna sit back and LET you take his family from him? Especially if he's as nuts as you say he is...y'know what she's gonna be then? Baggage...baggage around YOUR fuckin' neck. That really what you want?"
Dean makes a face, taking that in...then he shrugs again. "Like I said...I got no choice."
"Fuck that. You always have a choice...and you're makin' a bad one," the dark-haired man fires back.
Dean checks his watch...then looks back at him. "Look...I hear what you're saying...and normally, I would agree with you. But the fact is that I won't be able to focus on the job until this is done."
"That so? Then y'know what? Instead of playing travel agent to your fuckin' girlfriend, I should just cut ya loose, right now."
"Well, that's your call, man."
The dark-haired man looks away again. Dean watches him chew on his lip, thinking hard for a good, long time...then he looks back at him.
"She got a passport?" he finally asks.
"Dunno. I'll check."
The dark-haired man nods, finishing off his beer. "Go back to the flat, then," he says, getting up. "You'll hear from me."
Dean nods back...then offers a hand as he starts to walk past him. "Thanks, man."
The dark-haired man hesitates for a moment, then shakes it...then he grips Dean's hand tighter, pulling him in close.
"You better not make me sorry I did this," he says...then lets him go. Dean nods again, and watches him stroll out of the pub, back out in the rain. Then he sighs...and he sits there, for a few minutes, just staring at the empty glass...thinking as he rubs his bald head. Then he checks his watch again, and grabs his coat, heading back out into the rain himself.
*****
The prison walls of Statesville boasted years of oppression, generations of inmates having left their auras and thoughts in the form of crude graffiti and a stubborn stench of mildew. In fact, the pall was so great that when Roseanne thought about it, she grew convinced the damp brick would suffocate her in her sleep - that she would literally dissolve into oblivion beneath crumbling grey and that there would be no record of her other than as a prison number and a bad memory. As such, her sleep was often interrupted, she thinking her dark arts must be suffering due to so much self-pity. Opening her eyes to late afternoon boredom, her nap ruined, she looked across the way at Oba who was shaking her head as she stood tall against the metal bars, smoking a cigarette with enviable assuredness.
"Why don't you tell me what da trouble is?" The tall woman asked. "I can see da' chaos around you. Upset energy."
"You could say that."
"Tell me."
"I know the children's names ... I can focus better - but I don't know if what I'm doing is even working."
"Have you asked da right people?" The tenor of Oba's voice had a way of inspiring concentration, enthusiasm. Roseanne got up off her cot and leaned against the bars of her own cell, studying her new friend's stance. She mimicked it.
"Can I have one?" she then asked, pointing to the cigarette lying seductively between Oba's long fingers.
The woman nodded, leaned over and picked up her pack of cigarettes from the bed. After patting one stick out, she tossed it to Roseanne who quickly lit it. Sucked in the smoke deeply and smiled as if she'd taken a long sip of water after being in a desert for such a very long time.
"Thanks ... and to answer your question, I tried to get some information, but ... it wasn't enough."
"You t'ink d'ere is a weak link? Is d'ere a spirit who might be intruding?"
"A spirit?"
"Yes, sometimes d'ere is interference - a sheer in da way of light coming t'rough glass ... smoke blocking a picture. Do you get me?"
"I think so."
"Love sometimes does it ..."
Roseanne took another long draw off the cigarette ... and thought about it. Who could protect Tea with such ... love? Who would be her cover? Sniffling, she twisted her mouth in disgust, stretched out her neck muscles, spat out the name: "Todd. Her ... devoted husband ... a man who's a monster, but whom Tea seems to ... idolize. Whatever that shit is about."
"Hmmm ... yes ... you could be right." Oba gazed at Roseanne thoughtfully, licking her lips at one point, scratching her throat with cat-like care.
"You are afraid of him."
"No, not at all."
"Now you lie to me. Don't lie to your teacher." Oba smiled.
Letting out an aggravated grunt, Roseanne answered, "Fine. Yes ... he scares me. I told you, he's a rotten bastard who has a criminal record longer than my arm ... yet I'm in here and he's out there."
"So maybe you need to disrupt his loyalty. Maybe, he needs a little push ..."
"You mean work the art on him?"
"Yes.... t'ink about it ... t'ink about his weakness ... t'ink about his fears. T'ink, cher ... hard."
Roseanne looked downwards and breathed in deeply, breathed in the dank smells, the dense air. Tried to let go of the closed-in feelings by concentrating on her new-found work. Yes, the more she reflected, the more she believed that Tea was too protected by Todd's fierce loyalty and love... he himself was a powerful spirit whose energy was equally as dark as Roseanne's, as any person's venturing into this world of mystical control.
Think ... of his fears ... of his weaknesses ... and it came to her ... so simple ... so clear ...
Love is your weakness ... your fear. It's the viper that creeps and crawls within you, and without. Love is your mystery ... it's your solution. And what form of love frightens you the most ... yet also stirs you more than any other? What kind of love has led you to paths of condemnation? What kind of love torments you ... what kind of love can destroy you? What kind of love do you place on a pedestal ... what kind of love do you see as your salvation?
Simple ... easy ... it's the love in the form of a woman ...
"I can see it ..." Roseanne muttered ...
"Can you, girl?"
"Yes ... I think so."
"Mold it ... play wit' it ... t'ink about it. T'ink of him."
"Yes ..."
Roseanne closed her eyes and brought to shape in her mind Todd's eyes, his mouth .... his face. His physical being then followed, coming into clear focus ... his history came forth as well, his own chaotic energy that spun around him. It was a woman, she thought, who made him crazy enough to rape; it was a woman who made him crazy enough to cause untold amounts of damage on Llanview - from what Tea had told about him, it had always been a woman who motivated him to be better, who paralyzed him, who ... brought out his worst, and his best. Yes ... and surely ... with his being a rapist, sex is always involved ...
"Concentrate on his existence and you will find yourself free of da walls around you. You will be lifted to where you want to be ... you will cause da air to move and rumble ... and you will control everyt'ing ..." Oba says, her voice floating around Roseanne like a breeze.
"Everything ...."
"T'ink it ... and it will be real ..."
*****
The whisky stung his throat as it slid down, the glass bottle against his lips cool and comforting. Swallowing, Todd leaned back against the marble mausoleum wall ... yeah ... the final resting place of that sonofabitch Victor Lord, creator of half the curse that graced Todd's whole being right now. He tipped back the bottle again, finishing the last drops. Sniffed at the burn and shook his head unconsciously in response. Christ, he thought, how could he have done what he did to Starr? God ... what the hell was that?
"She said those words," he groaned, "... my baby did - filth on her precious lips ... on her mouth ... filth ... filth ..." He was sitting inside the darkened crypt, strings of light breaking in through openings along the tops of the walls surrounding him. Dust danced about in the rays and he followed them with his eyes. He slurred when he spoke because he'd basically drunk himself into some kind of place where he thought he could understand what happened ... where he thought he could justify it ... reason through it ... excuse himself for the inexcusable. But it wasn't working. There was no such place - there was only further self-condemnation.
"Awwww ... shit ..." He tossed the bottle aside. Rubbed his face roughly and repressed a sudden need to cry this out. The memory of Starr's terrified voice calling for Blair was unbearable. The memory of her body in his hands ... the ease of causing her so much pain was ... sickening.
Why? WHY?
Because she said it, she read the words and they had come slithering out of her mouth: Todd Manning raped. Somewhere inside of her brain, she'd learned the truth about her father ...about that man she believes in ... her father is a rapist. And he showed her ... boy, he showed her. Stay outta my things ... yeah. Stay outta my life.
"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry," he cried, at last. Through blurred vision, he looked at his outstretched legs, tasting those salty tears ... looked down at his mussed clothes and wondered how he was ever going to make up for his loss of control with Starr? Tea ... she'd been horrified. Yelled at him to stop. And when he'd looked at her, there was no mistaking the fear on her face, real fear, real concern. Tea ... God how he'd been wanting her because he'd missed her so much ... and how ... she wasn't responding. Not in the way he needed her to - and now ... she was going to hate him even more.
"'Will'she hate me? Nahhh ... she been hatin' me ... and today jus' ... wrapped it all up - nice n'neat with a bow ... a pretty .... bow. Why would she ever respond to a rapist, Manning? Ha!! She went through something, you jerk and ... I'm here ... reminding her of what happened every damn minute. Every ... damn minute. She don't need me ... the boys don't need me ... my girl ... my .... girl, she REALLY don't need me ..." He sniffled and felt so young ... and so old ... and so thoroughly deprived of love, undeserving of love. "Like me this way, Pop... Pops? Awwww ... don't I deserve this ... ain't it all jus' perfect? The curses of the Mean Old .... Daddies ... ha ... ha ha ha..."
Shaking his head, he laughed pitifully, "Ohhhh yeah .... finally did it ... finally showed that little thing who's boss ... right? Just like Peter used to ... oh God ..." He slid down even further along the wall, until he was staring up at that light coming through the ceiling, those dust particles floating, mesmerizing. So free they were ... dancing ... unthinking, unfeeling, un-being. Nonentities. As he watched the symphonic movement of the bits of nothing, out of nowhere, in that moment of quiet misery, the scent of magnolias drifted over him. He hummed along with the swirling aroma, remembering the kiss of soft lips on his, a whispered admission of love ... ohhhh it felt good ... it was wrong and it was right. He touched his chest, rubbing it lightly - right where his heart was.
Was it beating, he wondered?
Yes, it is. "Beating long enough to kill someone," he mumbled.
Beating long enough to love someone. The scent intensified and Todd lifted himself back up, sitting up, the pain inside of him lulled by the alcohol ... by his thoughts of being loved in return. In the faint light, he could see a figure, feminine and ethereal. She was faceless ... but there was no doubt of her womanliness nor of her inherent beauty. He smiled at the image.
"You ... who 're you?" he asked drunkenly.
I'm here to love you, I'm here to ease your pain - the way you want.
"How'z 'at ... possible? You know me? You ought'a run ... run like a bitch."
Come here ... let me kiss you, let me touch you. You're so hurt, so lonely. And you're so ... beautiful. A beautiful man ... a man. The kind who makes a woman ... feel. The kind who brings the most hidden parts of a woman out ... out into the open. A man who shouldn't be forgotten or left behind.
"You been drinkin'? Wha's wrong with you?"
I'm your dream, I'm your reality. Let me come to you, let me love you.
In the murky air of the tomb, the ghostly female image moved closer to him, gliding slowly, weightless. Long black hair fluttered in a strange breeze and she lit up the space around her with a light he hadn't ever seen before. She was heavenly .... she was angelic ... and he wanted to touch her. He didn't understand why he felt this way ... but he did. Once she was near him, he closed his eyes and sighed, dreaming of her, dreaming of being with her. It would feel good to be embraced by a woman now, to be kissed and held.
And if it couldn't be Tea ... well ... why not his own invented angel ... ?
Yes, I'm here for you. You are a man who deserves love, who deserves admiration, who deserves complete loyalty. You ... you ... nobody else should be the center of her world.
"Yeah ... yeah, you're right ... should be me. Been too long alone ... 'cept she don't want me ... she don't ... need me." He slumped at the painful truth that Tea couldn't possibly want him. Not anymore ... maybe never.
Your woman ... she's not good enough for you. I am, though ... I won't ever turn you away. Tell me your darkest desires and I will do it; tell me you deepest fear and I will abate it. Tell me ... tell me what you want.
"You ... I want you."
The woman smiled and moved still closer to him, rubbing up against him, stirring him in that way he wanted, in that way he needed. He lay back on the ground and let her lie on him, let her run her hands up and down his body, touching him everywhere and nowhere ... it was real, and it wasn't ... it was a dream, and it wasn't. Breathed kisses wetted his lips and his tongue reached for hers, his hands reached for her. "Love me," he growled.
Her voice, strong and syrupy, answered, "I will love you ..."
"I might hurt you ..."
"You can hurt me, you can love me. It's all the same - you are MY light, you are MY power ... your strength is mine."
Todd shuddered with sexual tension and rolled over on top of the phantom-like woman, holding her hands high above her head. Not recognizing her facial features, embracing her anonymity, he violently pressed his mouth on hers, fighting his hunger while giving himself to her at the same time. Her legs wrapped around him and he could feel her pull on him, her drawing out of him his will to stand on his own, to believe in himself -- to forgive. He was excruciatingly turned on, ready to do anything, not caring ... just wanting to feel some kind of human connection, to be reminded that he was a man, that he could be loved ...and that he was potent as a living, thinking, breathing human, above all. Not the monster, not the out-of-control bastard. Yet ... with those thoughts coursing through him, others came forth as well. He grabbed her thigh and jerked her to him, grinding his hips in between her legs, forcefully.
The female creature gasped at his intense grip of her beneath him and he could see her react to something she was obviously seeing on his face ...
"Wha's the matter?" he rumbled, the barest of grins playing at the corners of his mouth. "Don't like it this way? Why else would you come to me? You ... deserve the pain maybe?"
Her mouth opened to speak but nothing came out, giving off an appearance of trepidation and Todd knew he was in control of this interplay. "You're scared," he said.
"No ... no, you misread me."
"I misread nothing. You're a pathetic, lowly woman who thinks she can overpower me - who thinks she can become stronger if she tames the beast. Listen to me, carefully ..." He jerked her to him again and she gasped ... again. "Been there, done that ... and the 'tamer' always loses," he replied, surprisingly articulate now.
"As I said, you misread me ... I'm here for YOU." While her words were submissive, her intent was not. Her eyes ... they narrowed and with the skill of an experienced hunter, the spirit tore right into him, reached into his core to seek out his most vulnerable of emotions. At that, his head knocked back - it was his turn to take a hard breath at her ripping past his tough exterior.
"You're nothing but a boy," she said softly, taking his long hair into her hands, urging him to look at her again. "A hurt, ruined, cursed boy. Your woman sees it - and she runs. She wants protection ... but you can't give it to her. She wants to be free of her pain, but you can't release her because you are too broken. So she looks elsewhere for that protection now - and in doing so she betrays you. She ... is not worthy of you, of your endless suffering. She's only worthy of your punishment."
He weakened, weighing on the feminine shadow. He figured he was dreaming, still ... and this was his heart talking about the only woman he loved. It was his anger, he assumed, his pitiful, pathetic, selfish-as-all-get-out anger. He was losing to it, he knew. Yeah ... okay, he'd been very hurt by Tea - he had made love with her and she ended up in tears and he knew it had to do with what had happened ... with that Shelton guy and ... no matter the explanation and psychological truth, it still hurt like hell. It wasn't fair ... it wasn't fair. And he took all that injustice out on his girl - his precious angel, Starr. It wasn't ... fair. The vision then raised herself to meet his lips with hers and he let the hallucination continue. Her kiss invited more of him - it demanded more. However .... there was something ... something infinitely curious ...
"And what makes you less worthy of my punishment?" Todd asked.
"Because you rule over me ... I am at your mercy. I am everything you dream of, everything you hope for ..."
"Except one thing ... you aren't real." He chuckled, smoothing out the whisper of cloth covering her body, brushing along her breast. Going back to pull at her nipple, to palm it and delight in its responsiveness. He pressed his whole body on hers ...
"Aren't I?" She buried her head into his neck and suckled on his skin until he had to pull away. Grinning, the specter sighed at his frenzied expression. "I'm everything you desire. I will never cry out in pain unless you want me to. I will never cry at your touch unless you want me to. You ... are in control with me. I am predictable, I will never ... surprise you." Her legs held onto him and her arms, they enveloped him and he felt so relieved and so ...
He let a low moan escape and smiled ... barely. Then he found himself laughing and the woman flickered like in a movie, the picture interrupted. "Every man's fantasy ... even I have them. And how funny ... that my fantasy reminds me ... strangely ... of a ... Delgado." The woman's face stiffened as his fingers traced the outline of her features and he sensed a weakness on her part.
"Hmmm... how strange ..."
The tentative tone returned to the angel's voice. "Share with me your thoughts, my lover."
Furrowing his brows, his face showed pain, but it wasn't genuine. He pouted pitifully, exaggeratedly, "I don't understand why she would turn on me. How could she do that? It hurts ... so much."
"Because her spirit is damaged, her spirit is tainted." The voice seemed to gain strength.
"Yeah," Todd sniffed, "... she's bad ... she's ... so ... bad." Sniffling, he closed his eyes and moved his hand to the angel's throat, his fingers resting there. The thumps of a pulse beat against his skin and her breath seemed to strain. "What's wrong?" he asked gently, his eyes steely and firmly looking into hers. "You still afraid? Don't be ... it'll be easy to love me, to be mine..."
"Easy ..." she whispered.
"Yeah ... come on ... love me."
*****
Starr walks into the master bedroom after her long nap, having cleaned up and changed her clothes. She sees Tea on the bed, playing with Evan's feet...so she runs over and jumps on the bed, immediately joining in. She notices a notepad there, with something scribbled on it...and she makes a face, trying to see what it says. But Tea moves it away just then, putting it on the bedside table...nonchalantly, so Starr quickly forgets about it, turning her attention back to her brother.
Tea backs off a little, and watches them play...watches Starr blowing raspberries on Evan's belly, watches him giggling like crazy. And suddenly, Tea starts to get that that nagging, nauseous feeling in her stomach again. Until now, she hadn't realized that she would soon be separating them from their sister.
...god...she'll be so hurt...
She would be hurt...and Todd...would be hurt even worse. She imagines him finally being brave enough to come home and face her...only to find an empty house. Starr would be back at Blair's...and she would be gone...the boys would be gone...his family...
...gone. She shuts her eyes, feeling the pain for him, before it even happens. It would be devastating...and god only knew what he might do after that.
Starr looks up at her, noticing her worried face. "You okay?"
Her voice snaps Tea out of her train of bad thoughts, and she nods...but more out of impulse.
"Yeah...yeah, I'm fine," she replies, too quickly, and not very convincingly, reaching out and smoothing her hair.
"Can I ask you something?" Starr then asks her, cautiously.
"Sure."
Starr takes a deep breath before speaking...afraid of the reaction she'll get...but still, needing to know.
"What's 'raped'?"
Tea's mouth drops open at that...such a horrible, disgusting word...coming out of the mouth of a child...that's exactly what Todd must have thought. She rubs her face, as Starr waits for the answer.
"I saw that word...and Daddy's picture. Is that something bad?"
Tea takes a deep breath as well, not knowing how to begin...or if she should. "Umm...well...yeah, uh...rape is...something bad..." she starts...suddenly remembering...suddenly hearing her own voice in her head...
"...oh, go ahead...isn't that the only thing left? Throw me down...why don't you just rape me, huh? Rape me like you did Marty...just go ahead and rape me..."
She shuts her eyes tightly for a second, as if she could feel the white-hot pain of getting punched in the face all over again. Starr watches her, as she shakes it off, looking back at her again.
"...yeah, it's something very bad...and it's something your dad needs to talk with you about...but...not right now. Okay?"
Starr blinks back at her, taking that in...then she nods. " 'kay," she whispers.
"...ummm...wanna call your mom now?"
Starr thinks for a moment...then nods again. Tea nods back, reaching behind her for the phone. She dials, then hands the phone to Starr, who takes it as she sits up, the phone looking so big next to her small face. Tea sits up too, picking Evan up and sitting him up in her lap...then she hears the muffled sound of someone picking up on the other end.
"Hi Mommy..." she starts. Tea watches her as she picks at the hem of her shirt, listening.
"...can you come get me?" she asks, then pauses again. "...nothing...I just wanna come home."
Tea hears Blair's distant, worried voice, saying something. Starr sighs. "Okay...hold on," she says, handing the phone back to her. Tea takes a deep breath as she puts the phone to her ear.
"Hi Blair."
"What happened? What's wrong?"
"Uh..." Tea starts, watching as Starr gets off the bed and walks out, undoubtedly to pack her bag. She lets out a long sigh, wanting to sound as calm as possible.
"Is she sick?" Blair suddenly asks.
"No...no, nothing like that. It's just that...uh...Todd...he, uh...he kind of lost his temper with her this morning...and, um..." she says, stuttering through...hearing the silence on the other end, knowing that Blair has probably already figured it out.
"...he scared her pretty good."
Silence. Tea shuts her eyes, hoping that Blair isn't about to have a meltdown. A few more seconds pass, then she hears Blair clearing her throat.
"Um...he didn't...hurt her, did he?"
Tea glances up at the ceiling, feeling her eyes tearing up again. "No...no...but he just...he really scared her, y'know? Scared me too," she says, her voice wavering as the tears run down her face.
Another silence...then Blair finally asks, "Is he still there?"
"No...he left," Tea replies, trying to wipe her face on her shoulder. "...but she's...she's still pretty upset. I mean, she's better than she was, but...I just...I just think you should come get her."
"Yeah...yeah, of course...I'll be there as soon as I can."
Tea nods, hugging Evan to her. "Thanks, Blair...I'm really sorry about this."
She hears Blair sigh. "Oh, don't...don't worry about it," she says, then pauses for a moment.
"...but...listen...are YOU okay? I mean...you wanna come over here for a while?"
Tea smiles, sadly, at Blair's genuine concern. "Oh, that's...uh...that's really nice of you...to offer, but...um..."
"It's okay, really...I can bring y'all back here, since I'm coming there anyway."
There's a silence as Tea thinks it over, wondering if she needs to step back as much as Todd does right now. She looks down at Evan, resting against her belly comfortably...so content...so safe...
...for now.
Tea takes another deep breath. "No...no, that's okay. I appreciate it, but...I should stay here."
"Are you sure?"
...god...no...no, I'm not...I'm not sure of anything...she thinks, but "mmm-hmm" is all that comes out.
"Well...alright. I'll be there as fast as I can."
"Thanks," Tea whispers, then hangs up. She picks Evan up, lifting him and holding him up in front of her. He looks at her, recognizing her...but not really knowing what she's feeling. She kisses him, then puts him on her shoulder as she gets up. She walks out and back down the stairs, putting him in the swing next to his sleeping brother. She winds the swing and lets it go, and Evan kicks happily as he swings back and forth to the tinny music.
Tea steps back, and somehow ends up sitting on the floor in front of them...not by falling down or losing her balance...but not by a conscious decision, either. She stares up at her sleeping children, suddenly imagining herself running down an endless, abandoned road...running, with the twins strapped to her body...looking behind her...constantly looking over her shoulder...
...for the long, dark demon in the black coat...the one who wants her babies...the one who wants to kill them...the one who is never more than a few steps behind her...
...the one that would always be there. Always.
Tea's whole body seems to deflate, as she buries her face in her hands...exhausted ... confused...so confused by it all. When she saw Todd holding Starr like a rag doll, screaming at her, shaking her...shaking her...the answer seemed all too clear. But her head was hazy now, filled with thoughts that went in a million different directions...down a million different roads, but somehow they all ended up at the same, central idea: the right thing to do.
The right thing to do...all at once, she remembers being in this very same quandary, so many times before...and it was always with Todd. Every step she had taken with him had put her in this same situation. And almost every time she would make a decision, it seemed to be the wrong one...and she would be punished somehow. She would come away with a scar...be it mental, emotional or physical. It made her question herself, where she never had before...her instincts, her objectivity...her ability to make a simple judgment call. Sitting there in a heap on the floor, she feels like she's suddenly come to the edge of a cliff, with Evan and Brendan clinging to her...and now she must make another decision, probably the most important one she's ever made: turn back, and face the demon...and possibly come away with another scar, or even worse, give him the chance to harm the children...or...
...jump...hurling herself and their children into the depths of the unknown...cutting herself off from the only person she would ever love, and depriving their children of their father and his great capacity to love...in order to protect them from all the darkness, all the anger, and all the pain that surrounds him and makes itself part of him...makes him into the demon. The right thing to do...she thinks, over and over, not having any idea what that is anymore. All she does know...is that she's confused, and she's scared...but not for herself. She's scared for Todd...but most of all, she's scared for the boys. Dropping her hands away from her face, she looks up at them, sleeping...peaceful...oblivious to what is happening around them...and unable to know what the right thing is.
Then she sees Todd, again, holding his daughter up off the ground, shaking her little body like she had no bones at all. He hadn't hurt her, not really...she was young, and she loved him so much that she would forgive him anything. And Todd...as soon as he realized what he was doing, he was instantly sorry. But...all the same, he crossed the line...he lost control...that all-important power that held everything in check. And losing control, for just that one moment, that one second...made him lose sight of all that was important in his life...it blinded him, allowing the demon to take over, and go after whatever...or whoever...was in striking distance, with unbelievable speed and strength. Tea shuts her eyes, remembering just how powerful he could be...remembering his closed fist making contact with her face.
It was bad enough that he had lost it with her...but even though she knew the action wasn't called for, she also knew that she'd had a hand in provoking him. But now he'd lost it with Starr, a kid who didn't know any better, and meant no harm. If he could lose it with her...if he could lose sight of her, his little girl, his treasure...then...how long before the same thing would happen with one, or both of the boys? Maybe never...this incident with Starr had undoubtedly scared the hell out of Todd...it served as a harsh reminder of what he was capable of. And it was certainly possible that he would learn from it, and never, ever lay an angry hand on any of his children again.
It was possible...but was it likely? And did she really want to take that chance? As much as she wanted to, there was no way she could be with the boys every minute of every day. And what kind of life would that be, anyway...never completely trusting Todd to be alone with them. Never trusting...god...how awful...she thinks...realizing how long it had taken them to trust each other...and now they were right back where they started. Tea rubs her face, roughly, then pulls herself up onto the couch, instinctively grabbing her cell phone. She stares at it, just like she was staring that cold fact in the face...the fact that she no longer trusted Todd. At the moment, he was too unstable, too volatile to be around her...let alone their children.
What a mess...what a horrible, ugly mess...she thinks, with a heavy sigh. Their lives were a mess...and her head was a mess...one that she needed time to sort through.
*****
Todd found himself curled on his side against the cold marble wall, sweating and breathing hard as if he'd just awoken from a brutalizing nightmare. The alcohol daze had faded, the faceless woman had vanished, and he wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping. What had been an early afternoon sun had turned to dusk. He pulled himself to his feet and stared all around the crypt, studied the slats in the ceiling and the plainness all about him. Nothing but stone, housing the remains of a man long gone ... no ghosts, no spirits, no mystical scents.
"Just me," he said. "Just a bastard ... just a fucked up bastard." Rubbing his hands through his hair, he inhaled the thick air, remembering the dream and how good parts of it felt - how typical the rest was: he was forever engaged in some kind of battle with something.
"Damn ... can't even have a good wet-dream."
Running his hand along the cool wall, he walked the perimeter of the crypt. Trying to figure out what was going on. He'd screwed up with Starr ... that was for fucking sure. Nothing he could do about it other than talk to her, try to assure her it wouldn't happen again ... maybe ... he'd have to explain something about rape ... maybe ... Tea did already?
Which brought him back to Tea ... something was going on with her - the dream he'd had actually had revealed a mystery. The spirit kept saying that he was being betrayed ... except Tea wouldn't "betray" him, they were so far beyond that - she wouldn't suddenly be disgusted with him, even with Starr - she would have been ... different. This is what was throwing him. Something ... something was terribly wrong. Balling his hand into a fist, he groaned with frustration and bumped against the wall repeatedly with his body. What ... what was going on? She kept denying shit ... so who would know? Rachel? Nah ... Carlotta? No ... then he thought he had an idea ...
...who is strong and stable ... and ... who could handle anything ... there was only one person who had been a confidante to Tea lately, one person who seemed to know more than he was letting on: R.J. Gannon.
Yeah ... Todd rubbed his nose, pulled his hair back again. Yeah ... felt the deadened pain give way to a surge of comfortable indignation ... R.J. knew something. Had to. At that, Todd swept out of the mausoleum ready to do some more battle. Yeah.
*****
Breathless, Roseanne shot open her eyes to the clanging of a guard's nightstick against her cell door.
"Dinner's on ... get up," the female officer spat. Sitting on the edge of her cot now, she glanced nervously across the aisle at Oba who was stretching her arms and back as she readied herself to stand, she also sitting on her bed.
"What happened?" Roseanne asked.
"You tell me," the ebony woman answered. "All I saw was peace ... all I
heard was quiet."
"It was so real ... so vivid. I was with him and he wanted me ... and ... we..." She bit her lip, looking at her hands. Shuddered with persistent memory and rubbed the muscles in her arms. "I think he was quite taken by my... encouragement."
"Are you not confident?"
"I'm just ... uh ... it was so real. He was ... so ... real."
"Well then your energy, I am sure, disrupted his reality. Perhaps his devotion might not be so strong now - since he has seen you, has felt another woman's passion." Oba's face however, darkened with devil's advocacy.
"Did he play with you?"
"Play?"
"Yes ... did he see YOUR weaknesses? I sense he's a powerful spirit."
Roseanne thought back, swallowing hard, becoming less sure of herself, of her power. Her teacher looked at her with one eyebrow lifted, questioning her
from across the way, making Roseanne feel ... less significant, less ... in control. Todd's words echoed within, triggering her own deep fears .... You're a pathetic, lowly woman who thinks she can overpower me - who thinks
she can become stronger if she tames the beast. Roseanne worried ... and then lied. Sat up with mock confidence. Think it and it will be real.
"I'm sure he didn't," she said. "... I think I'm pretty good at this thanks to what you've taught me. I think it might have worked, I think ... my enemy is going to finally succumb to the curse, completely." She raised her own
eyebrows and turned away for an instant. Touching her fingers to her lips, then sniffing at her arms, at her skin and hair, she noticed the undeniable smell of alcohol-tinged sweat with a hint of a man's cologne.
It wasn't possible, though, couldn't be.
"Oba ... was I really there?"
"Reality, Student, is in our minds. It is what we make it. If we want it to be real, it is. If we want it to be a dream, it is."
"But I can smell him ... all over me. Why?" She was afraid again ... because now she wondered who controlled whom. Who intruded on whose existence?
"Patience, Roseanne, patience. Don't be afraid of the dark art - that will weaken you."
The guard shuffled back and growled at the women to get a move-on who quickly exited their cells, hurrying to the dining room. As they walked, Roseanne's nervousness lessened as she reviewed over and over what had happened. At the end, it was Todd who was begging for love, admitting his own pathetic state of being. Sure. By the time she and Oba reached their assigned destination, she was certain that it had been she who'd won the struggle with Todd ...
...right?
You still afraid? Don't be ... it'll be easy to love me, to be mine. Come on ... love me.
*****
Starr comes down the stairs, just as Blair knocks on the door. Tea makes a lame attempt at straightening her clothes and hair as she opens the door. The women exchange awkward smiles, as usual...then Blair walks in, squatting down...immediately opening her arms for Starr, who runs into them.
"Mommy!" Starr says, practically choking her. Blair rubs her daughter's back, kissing her cheek.
"Ohhhh...my beautiful girl...y'alright?"
Tea watches, as Starr pulls away, nodding...then looks up at her.
"Are you comin' with us?"
Blair turns her head at that, looking up at Tea as well...so Tea smiles, squatting down too.
"No...I'm gonna stay here."
Starr wrinkles her eyebrows, looking worried. Tea lets out a tiny laugh, rubbing her arm.
"I'll be fine...we'll be fine. But, um...I do want you to do me a favor though, okay?"
Starr just waits, blinking at her. Tea sighs, glancing at Blair for a second, who's also listening closely, with a surprising look of genuine concern on her face.
"I want you to promise me something."
"What?" Starr whispers back.
"That you won't stay mad at your father."
"I'm not mad."
"Well, that's good... 'cause he loves you...you know that. And...he really didn't mean it."
"Yeah...I know, but...he was yelling so loud...and he smelled bad, like beer or something. I just wanted him to stop yelling, and let me go...but he wouldn't...and I got scared."
Blair's face darkens a little, hearing that. She looks back at Tea, who nods.
"I know...he scared me too."
"I don't wanna be around him until he's done being mad," Starr says, quietly, with just a little anger peeking through.
"I know...but he'll probably...probably try to call you when he finds out you went back to your mom's. So just...do me a favor...and talk to him."
"What do I say?"
Tea laughs, just a little, at that. "Well...tell him...tell him what you just told me. Make him understand how scared you were. But you need to listen to him, too...and just...be there for him... 'cause he really needs you, Starr. He needs to know that you're not angry with him...and he needs to know that you still love him. So...can you do that for me?"
Starr hesitates...wondering why Tea's eyes are tearing up. Slowly, she nods, but with a concerned face...Tea smiles, nodding back.
"Thank you, Starr," she says, pulling her into a tight hug. Starr hugs her back, but her face hasn't changed. She notices that Tea is holding her extra tight, like...like she wasn't going to see her again for a while. She feels her skin getting wet from her tears, as Tea turns her face in to kiss her on the cheek. Then Tea holds her away, with another sad smile...and notices Starr's eyes...looking into her deeply, and in some small way, knowing what's going on. Starr opens her mouth to say something, but Blair interrupts her train of thought, as she stands up.
"Well...did you say goodbye to your brothers?"
Starr blinks at that, looking over at her baby brothers in their swings. Then she suddenly looks back at Tea, her concerned face becoming more anxious. Tea bites the inside of her lip, realizing that she really does know now.
"Starr? What's the matter?" Blair asks.
Starr looks into Tea for another moment...then looks up at her mom. "Nothing," she says, walking back into the living room. Tea stands up, sighing heavily. Blair gives her a questioning look.
"What was that all about?"
Tea shrugs. "I guess she's still...a little weirded out."
Blair nods, watching as her daughter kisses both of the babies, making funny noises at them.
"You sure you don't wanna come over for a while? The babies'd help her get her mind off things."
Tea smiles. "Yeah, they would, but...I really should stay here."
Blair sighs at that. "Well, okay," she says, then looks over at Starr. "Sweetie, come on. Let's go."
Starr reluctantly pulls away from the swings, waving to the babies as she backs up...then she grabs her bag, dragging it into the foyer. Blair smoothes her hair, smiling at her.
"Say goodbye to Tea."
Tea kneels back down, and hugs her again. Starr gives her a kiss on the cheek, and puts her lips to her ear.
"Don't be gone too long, okay?"
Tea's eyes widen at that, and she pulls back. Starr gives her a little smile, then she grabs Blair's hand, letting her mom lead her out.
"You just call if you change your mind," Blair says, and Tea nods, watching as they step over to the elevator. She keeps her eyes locked with Starr's as they step in...then Starr waves, with that look of reluctant understanding, as the doors close. Tea shuts the door, leaning up against it for a moment, covering her mouth as she cries a little...feeling incredibly guilty now, and again, questioning herself.
...what are you doing...? she asks herself...then Starr's voice pops into her mind, suddenly...
"I don't wanna be around him until he's done being mad..."
...yes...that's it, isn't it...that's exactly it...she thinks, as she walks into the living room, and looks down at the boys, both awake now, and staring back at her.
...*I* don't wanna be around him 'til he's done being mad, either...but...how long is THAT gonna take?
Tea looks at Brendan, only the oldest by one minute...but still, the oldest newborn she's ever seen. His quiet way implied experience and wisdom...and when she looked into his eyes, she saw...Todd.
"Wish you could talk," she whispers. "I wish you could tell me if I'm doing the right thing."
Brendan blinks at her, quiet and calm. Tea sniffs, lifting him out of the swing...then she bends slightly, to wrap an arm around Evan and pick him up, too. She shifts them around to get a better hold on them, then looks at them both...suddenly full of such love...a wonderful warmth...
...but it's quickly ruined...by confusion...by fear...the dark cloud that seemed to hang over her all the time now, the constant threat. She takes a deep, slow breath...heavy with the burden of what she was about to do...then she takes the twins upstairs, to get them ready...
...ready to run.
To Be Continued...
