...but there's no wound...no bandages, no nothing. Then he looks down at himself, and sees he has clean clothes on...and the sheets covering him are soft cotton, with a nice, simple print on them. Martha Stewart would approve...but it definitely wasn't hospital standard. He notices some other clothes, lying on the other side of the bed...implying that someone else had been sleeping there with him. He makes another face, as he looks up, slowly taking in the rest of his surroundings...

...a bedroom...just a normal, average bedroom...not a hospital room. He looks around, at the dresser with a big mirror, at the door, at the TV directly in front of him, at the decent-sized closet...and at the window, covered with thin, wispy curtains, that lift and drop with the breeze coming in. He squints at the sunlight coming through...and at the noises he hears outside...voices. He sits there, frozen for a moment...not sure if he should try to move. He looks around again, trying to place the place...it was so unreal, but something about it was very familiar. The voices outside draw his attention again...he cocks an ear toward the window, trying to hear...

...a girl...a woman? Both? Yes...two voices...

He swallows hard, slowly pushing the covers off...slowly planting one foot on the floor, then the other...standing up slowly...doing everything slowly, cautiously, as if he were afraid of tripping some booby trap somewhere that was just waiting to spring on him. But nothing has moved, nothing has disappeared yet, so he takes a few steps toward the window, moving the curtains aside to look out. He sees a street...just a normal, average street, with normal, average houses on both sides. A giggle pulls his eyes down to the lawn in front of the house he's in...and he sees a car parked in the driveway. He squints at it...knowing somehow that it's his car, even though he doesn't recognize it. Then he hears water running, and sees the car getting sprayed with a hose. He cranes his neck, trying to see more, but can't...so he turns and moves to the door...grabbing and turning the doorknob, somewhat surprised that he can actually feel it...and walks into the hall.

The house is very quiet, very still...but not in a scary way...it's peaceful. The carpet feels soft under his feet as he goes down the stairs, and the voices outside start to get louder as he gets to the bottom. The front door stands open, with early morning sunlight shining through, making patterns on the floor. He looks around, at the living room...tidy, but showing signs of life. A pair of worn sneakers lies on the floor by the big couch, and an empty glass sits on the coffee table, with just a tiny bit of juice left in the bottom. He looks the other way, into the dining room, and sees a laptop computer sitting on the table with the screen-saver on...papers strewn about, a coffee mug, and a handbag. He looks toward the door again...wanting to know who's out there, but at the same time, afraid to move from the spot. Then the voices laugh and giggle teasingly, forcing him to move. He takes a deep breath as he approaches the door and looks out. Suddenly, a girl runs by the door, a teenage girl with long, blonde hair...squealing as a stream of water follows her, hitting her in the back. She loses her footing, slipping and falling on her butt. The girl giggles like crazy, sprawling herself out on the lawn, her chest rising and falling with hard breaths and laughter. Todd blinks slowly, marveling at how beautiful, how happy she is...then suddenly, his breath catches in his throat as he realizes...

...it's Starr. The girl sits up, clearing the wet hair out of her face...showing her big, blue eyes...and he knows for sure. His lips part, stunned speechless at this future vision of his daughter. Starr points at someone off to the side, still laughing.

"You are SO gonna get it!"

Another voice laughs right back...a deep, obnoxiously loud laugh. Todd's head snaps to the side, immediately recognizing it...but he can't see far enough. Without a second thought, he opens the door and steps out. Starr looks over at him, and smiles, still pointing.

"Oh good, you're up! You can help me get her!" she yells, happily.

Todd just smiles at her, as best he can, considering how disoriented he is at the moment. Starr gets up, running over and grabbing his hand. He stares at her, as she stands just beneath his chin now. She pulls him along, and he looks up to see the car, wet from the hose...a bucket full of soapy water sitting next to it...and a figure...

...his breath catches again when he finally sees Tea, standing there by the car with the hose...looking pretty much the same, just a little older now. Just as he makes eye contact with her, she grins slyly...and turns the water on. Suddenly his view is obliterated by the spray, hitting him right in the face. He hears Starr giggling as he tries to block the water and approach. Then he hears Tea let out a surprised yell...he blinks the water out of his eyes and sees Starr with the bucket, attacking Tea with a sponge full of soapy water.

Todd stands back, wiping his face, pulling his wet hair back...squeezing his eyes shut and opening them again, to make sure he's still in this particular universe. But they're still there...Tea and Starr playing tag around the car, both of them soaking wet...laughing hysterically...

...and all of a sudden, it all makes sense...this was his life...his home...his family.

"DAAAAD!!! HELP!!"

He looks at Starr, ducking behind the car, trying to avoid the spray from the hose. Tea just laughs, holding the nozzle up to spray up and over the car. Starr squeals and laughs at the same time.

"No fair!!! DAD!!!"

Todd looks over at Tea, who winks back at him, grinning. He grins back...and suddenly runs toward her. She gasps, dropping the hose, trying to get around the car before he can get to her...but he catches up quick, grabbing her from behind, locking his arms around her shoulders. Todd closes his eyes as he nuzzles her neck...relishing the feeling of having her so close to him again...he can smell her shampoo, and the certain light, sweet smell of her skin. He can feel her resting her head on his, tangling her fingers in his hair...and her touch sends a rush through him...intoxicating, and warm...

...but as the seconds pass, he starts to get that feeling, that something's not right again...and that this wonderful, peaceful vision of his future...is starting to slip away from him. He tightens his hold on Tea, suddenly afraid that she's going to disappear...that this whole world will disappear.

"...don't go, Tea...don't you leave me..."

His eyes still closed, he hears himself whisper to her...but she doesn't answer. And the warm feeling inside him fades as he feels the space around him changing. He squeezes his eyes shut...knowing inside that Tea and Starr have just disappeared along with that vision...and dreading opening his eyes...dreading seeing where he's going to end up.

But his eyes do open again...almost as if they were acting on their own, disregarding his wishes. And Todd finds himself lying in the hospital bed, finally getting that painful reality check as he feels the awful soreness in his shoulder. He lies there, still, just staring up at the ceiling for a moment, then he picks his head up...but is only able to move slightly before it starts affecting his shoulder. He bites down with the sharp pain, and his head drops back into the pillow.

The pain subsides after a moment, and after his head clears a little, he notices the silence in the room...all the noise outside seeming even farther away, muffled by the heavy door. But instead of comforting him, the silence disturbs him. It was so different than what he'd just experienced in his dream...this silence was decidedly...empty. All the good things were absent from it...and all that was left was the negative...a void instead of a peaceful stillness. And as the moments pass without a change, the hopelessness of his situation becomes as painful as the wound in his shoulder. Because he realizes that nobody knows where he is...not even the man who shot him. And since his disappearances had become so common, more than likely, nobody would ever know...and even more than that...nobody would care. He was truly invisible...inconsequential. He suddenly remembers staring RJ down on that dark pier...and starts cursing him silently, for missing the mark. Then he curses whoever it was who found him in the water and brought him to the hospital...then the ER doctors and the surgeons who kept him alive...

...then he starts to think of every person who ever passed through his life...and curses them all. He curses all the people who ever told him he was worth anything...or even worse, made him believe it, like Viki...Sam...Rebecca...Michelle...and even his own mother. He curses Blair for getting pregnant...for giving him hope in the form of his daughter...

...my daughter...my beautiful girl...

He wants to curse her along with everyone else, but he can't bring himself to do that to his own kid...she was innocent. She had no say in her birth, in who her parents were...and she seemed to be rising above her less-than-ideal home life, as well as her less-than-ideal parents. He remembers confiding in her in that dark bedroom at Viki's...telling her that bedtime story, about the monster who was her father...and she listened, she heard it all...and still, she loved him. So it wasn't possible for him to think badly of her...not even in a depression as deep as this one was getting.

...she's better off without me...

...is all he can think with regard to Starr. He leaves it at that...and moves on to the last. It was always the same when he thought of Tea, especially after he left Llanview. Wherever he went, as soon as he thought of her, he'd feel a rush of energy go through him...as if he'd carried some of her away with him, and just the thought of her released a little bit of her lifeforce into him. But as the months passed, the bursts of energy faded...and pretty soon, he'd used it all up. Then he was just empty...but he still thought of her all the time, and it would only magnify the pit in his gut...like a starving person thinking about food. And that was how he felt now, lying there in the hospital bed...empty...completely empty inside, and damaged beyond repair. He thinks back to that last night with Tea in the hotel...and makes a face...realizing that the pieces, the details that weren't there when he tried to recall them before...were suddenly there now. He didn't know how he knew, or how they got there, or where they'd been...

...all he knows is that he remembers now. He closes his eyes, and his brow knits tightly in concentration...wanting to see, wanting to know what drove her away...

...and he suddenly sees himself back in the room now, like he'd been transported there to relive the whole thing. And as if there were two of him within the same body, the past him and the present him, he sees himself turning the dimmer switch...and the warm, cozy light fades, turning blue with the moonlight coming in through the window. He watches himself, watching Tea, asleep on the bed, wrapped up in a hotel bathrobe. He watches her for a while...and he seems to stand in that spot forever before he moves forward, toward her. He feels his breathing starting to pick up a little, as he stands at the foot of the bed, looking down at her.

Even though he's distanced from himself, he can feel the emotions churning inside...the fear, mostly, mixed with longing...which was usually how Tea made him feel...afraid of hurting her, but desperate to be with her all at the same time. They'd been coexisting in that hotel room for days...without a move on either part. But that last day, the tensions had been especially strained, even though neither of them spoke of it. They both knew they had to make a decision...they had to do...something. Tea had taken a long bath to think...but never told him what decision she had come to, if any. For his part, he'd gone through all the trouble of going back to a town he despised just to get her...but once they were together, he didn't know what to do. So he avoided the issue as long as he could, putting it off until he couldn't put it off anymore...

...which brought them to this point. As he looks down at Tea, he somehow knows what she's decided. Even though she seemed happy to be there with him, he just knew...she was going to leave...maybe not that night, or the next day, or that year...but she was going to leave. Her sound sleep was an indicator of how tired her soul was...tired of waiting for him to conquer his fears...tired of dealing with all the crap he carried with him. And so far, he wasn't making any attempt to change anything, so...what did she have to look forward to?

He swallows hard...knowing that it was on him. Tea had made her move, and now she waited to see what his move would be...but she wouldn't wait forever...and he knew, deep down, that he couldn't expect her to. It was up to him to show her that she made the right decision by going with him...and that they both had a lot to look forward to. He watches himself, making the decision...watches himself crawl onto the bed, trying to be careful not to wake her. He feels his heart beating like crazy, barely staying in his chest as he starts to lie down beside her. Then, from that strange distance within himself, he feels that sudden, heart-stopping jolt, as Tea opens her eyes and looks right at him...and he feels himself freeze...and he hears himself think...

...run...

But suddenly, Tea reaches out, gently laying a hand on his arm...as if she could hear his thoughts. She probably did, he thinks...then watches himself looking at her, studying those big eyes of hers, shining in the dark. He feels the fear of hurting and losing her, sitting there between them, like always...a wall that seemed to stretch up and out for miles...never ending. But the need for her, the longing...the equal fear of NOT having her in his life...attacked his whole being, making him step back and take a huge running jump at the wall. And there he was, barely hanging on, losing strength fast and getting scared that he wouldn't make it.

Eyes closed, Todd squirms uncomfortably in the hospital bed...not from the wound, but from remembering how much that hurt. He sees himself looking at Tea, trying to get the strength from her eyes...

...I can't do it...

...yes you can...you can...

...I'm so scared...

...I know...but you can do it...just reach for me...

...I don't want to hurt you, Tea...if I hurt you, I'll die...

...but if we don't take the chance, we'll both die...please, Todd...I trust you...don't give up...you can do it...I trust you...

...I trust you...

Somewhere between half-awake and dreaming, Todd's breathing has become short, jagged...and he gasps as he sees himself reaching...reaching over the top of the wall...reaching for her. He sees himself pulling her into him...and feels the huge sigh of relief, and the warm rush that went through him as they kissed...kissed until the need to breathe made them separate. They stay like that for a moment, their faces less than an inch apart, breathing in each other's breath, staring deeply into each other's eyes...and even though he didn't say it at the time, he finds himself whispering it to her now...as if she could hear him, wherever she was...

"I love you, Tea...I'll love you forever..."

...and with eyes still closed, still somewhere in that neither-here-nor-there state of consciousness, he sees himself making love to her from that distanced position within himself. Distanced, but still able to feel everything he felt at the time...that terrifying, yet incredible high from having her warmth, her softness, surrounding him...from having her breath on his face, from having her mouth and her body connected to his own...an intense, beautiful memory...until he sees himself grabbing her by the hair.

Twitching slightly, eyes still closed, he gasps at the sight in his mind...at the same time, he hears Tea gasp as he watches himself suddenly sitting up, pulling her up with him. He sees her looking at him, caught off-guard...but she doesn't move. She just waits, searching his eyes for an indication of where he is...what he's thinking. From that somewhat objective viewing point inside his own mind, Todd yells at himself...

...oh my god...what are you doing???

Then he feels himself gradually releasing his grip...and hears a little relieved sigh from Tea as he cups her face in his hands and pulls her into a kiss. Outside the dream-like memory, Todd sighs too, as the momentary scare fades, and he sees them easing back into their lovemaking...then he hears them both, breathing harder...sees Tea wrapping her arms around him, her fingers in his hair, and hears the soft moans from her between kisses. He feels himself holding her to him, feels his whole body tense up...and feels the rush of release...then he sees himself grabbing her wrists, pulling her hands out of his hair. He sees her open her eyes, sees himself kissing her...feels his own grip, tightening around her wrists...

...then he hears Tea's surprised breath, as he sees himself suddenly push her back down on the bed, holding her arms down. The shock of it snaps Todd out of his own memory...and eyes fly open as he sits up in the hospital bed. He immediately flinches at the pain in his shoulder, but he only notices it for a second...too distracted, too scared by what he just saw...what he just remembered. He sits there for a moment, eyes wide, breathing fast...and a nurse enters the room just then, stopping short when she sees him sitting up in bed. Todd looks back at her, equally surprised by her sudden entrance. She smiles a little, approaching him slowly.

"Hey...wow, you're doing pretty well for a guy who was shot and almost drowned," she says, as she puts her clipboard on the table, and reaches up to check the IV bag.

The last thing Todd wanted at the moment was somebody, anybody near him...and he couldn't have cared less about his shoulder right now. But her casual toss-off remark catches him off-guard...and also serves to calm him down, in a roundabout way. He takes a deep breath, taking the edge off his panic...but still eyes her suspiciously. She stands by the side of the bed, holding the empty bag.

"I need unhook your IV...and change that bandage...is that okay?"

He makes a face at her tone...no-nonsense, experienced, sure of herself...but pleasant, too...down-to-earth. He looks at her face...not old, but older...certainly aged by years of dealing with the sick and the dying. Her blonde-ish hair sits on top of her head in a sloppy, floppy mess, and her eyes show signs of someone who's been up for much too long, and would really like to go home and go to bed. His face softens a little, at this woman who obviously worked her ass off helping the helpless, day in and day out. So he takes another deep breath...and nods, looking away.

She nods back, putting on a pair of gloves. He steals glances at her, watching her work quickly and efficiently, pulling the IV hookup out of his arm, taping a cotton ball over the puncture...then moving back around to undo the sling on his other arm, to get to the dressing on his shoulder. Todd grimaces slightly, as the tape is peeled off, tugging on his skin. He feels the strange sensation of air on the wound...and a sharp stinging as she cleans it out.

The sting makes him shut his eyes...and when he does, all he can see is himself, lying on top of Tea, holding her wrists, trapping her beneath him. His eyes fly open again, not wanting to see anymore...and he flinches, letting out a short breath.

"Sorry, I know it stings like hell...but we can't have it getting infected," the nurse says, as she puts the fresh bandages on, taping them down. She steps back, noticing that the panic in his eyes. She makes a face, about to say something, when Todd suddenly speaks up first.

"Is it really bad? My shoulder, I mean."

She squints a little, at his tone. There was something direct about it, pointed...like he had a reason for asking other than just wanting to know...but she shrugs it off.

"Well, bullet wounds are never good, but...I've seen a lot worse. You'll be fine," she says, as she busies herself with gathering up the old bandages, throwing them out and washing her hands in the bathroom. She comes back out, standing in front of him, arms folded.

"I'll get you some water...you feel up to eating?"

Todd makes a face at the question, the thought never even occurring to him. He sits there for a moment, distracted...because every time he blinked now, he saw himself and Tea...the image burned onto the backs of his eyelids now...

...oh god...I DID do it...I really did...

He knew what he had to do...he had to get out of there...and he knew he wasn't gonna go far on a completely empty stomach. So he nods. The nurse smiles, nodding back as she heads for the door.

"Okay...just take it easy now. I'll be back."

The door stays open for just a second after she leaves, and Todd cranes his neck a little, trying to see out into the hallway...his eyes widen when he sees the nurse start talking to a cop. Todd sits there for a moment, realizing that they were waiting for him to wake up, waiting for him to tell them what happened. His mind races, trying to decide what to do...he suddenly sees Kevin in his mind, standing there with that smug grin, waving at him...and RJ, standing there aiming the gun at him...

...it would be so easy...to screw RJ and Kevin over for life...all he had to do was stay there and let the police take his statement. It would only be a matter of hours before the both of them would either find themselves on the run, or on a bus headed for Statesville. But he thinks about Kevin again, and finds himself just not caring...at all. He wasn't even worth the effort...at least, not at the moment.

With RJ, though, things were different...as Todd glances down at his shoulder, he finds himself regarding him with an odd, sort-of-but-not-quite respect...as if things were somehow squared between them now. And RJ was smart...really smart...even if he had died, and wasn't around to finger him, there'd be no way that the cops would find RJ just sitting at home, waiting to be caught. He was a hardened, experienced professional...and was probably long gone already. In any case, neither of them were important right now. Tea was the one...the only one, who mattered. Todd glances at the closed door, his mind made up. Then he looks down at his shoulder, wincing as he tries to move it around, to see how much it will give before seizing up. Then he looks around, to see where his things were...not seeing anything, he curses to himself, realizing that the medical staff probably gave everything to the cops.

Just then, the nurse returns, backing into the room with a tray. "Okay, here we are."

Todd stops moving, putting a blank look on his face as she sets the tray down...a sandwich and a small plastic pitcher of water.

He nods slightly. "Thanks."

She smiles back, pouring some of the water into a cup for him, as she hands him another small cup with some pills in it. "No problem. Here...take these for the pain. Hey...listen, there's a couple of cops out there...the ones who brought you in. They'd like to talk to you...y'know, find out what happened. I didn't know if you were up for it just yet, since you just came out of it. But you tell me."

He downs the pills and swallows most of the water down in one breath...then he looks at her.

"Nothing to say," he replies, softly.

She squints at him. "You mean nothing to say right now, or nothing to say...ever?"

Todd just shakes his head. "Look, I just...I can't deal with them right now, okay?"

She squints a little harder, then nods. "Alright. I'll just...tell them to come back in the morning?"

He lies back, shrugging slightly...making a point of looking as weak as possible.

"Whatever...just not right now."

The nurse sighs, nodding again...then she walks up to him, adjusting the pillows behind his head as he lies back.

"Okay...I'll tell them...something. You just rest."

Todd looks at her for a moment...then closes his eyes. The nurse lingers on him for a bit, then leaves the room, shutting off the overhead lights, leaving only the glow of the lamp right over the bed. Todd stays there for a while, resting, with his eyes closed...knowing what would probably happen next. And sure enough, after a few minutes, the door opens a tiny bit, and one of the cops peeks inside...checking to make sure that he is indeed sleeping like the nurse said. The cop eyes him for a bit, then scans the rest of the room, before finally ducking out.

Todd opens his eyes as soon as he hears the door close...then sits up, slowly...grimacing as every movement seems to affect his shoulder. He eats the sandwich quickly, then throws off the blankets, putting his feet on the floor for the first time. He makes a face at how cold the floor is...then stands up, but a little too fast...he wobbles, almost falling back onto the bed. He puts his good arm out to steady himself, and stands there for a moment, trying to regain his equilibrium. When the room finally seems to stop moving, he steps forward slowly, making his way toward the bathroom.

He turns on the water...and as the blue-ish, fluorescent lights come on, he gets a good look at himself in the mirror...a cold, hard and completely unflattering look. He was a mess, no doubt...both physically and mentally. And he wonders again, if it's worth it to continue...with anything. Why bother breathing, why bother adding more links to the mostly awful chain of events called his life? What was the point to it? Why should he continue on when all he ever did was cause pain to those around him?

And what, he suddenly wonders...what's gonna happen when...if...I see her again?

He shuts his eyes at that...but the image springs up again, of him holding her down...undoubtedly getting ready to do what he swore he would never do. His eyes fly open again, and he lets out a short breath...suddenly remembering too, that horrible night when he allowed his rage to make its mark on her...knocking her out cold, bruising her beautiful, delicate face. He looks down at the running water, at the sink which is filling rapidly. The soothing sound and the tranquil appearance of the water's surface entrance him...he finds himself staring at it for a long time, drawn to it...

...and before he even realizes what he's doing, he dunks his head in, submerging himself...closing his eyes...holding his breath. He listens to the sounds around him, muffled like he were in a womb...a calming, inviting...silence...

...an end...to the pain...to my pain...her pain...

Unable to hold his breath anymore, he inhales the water...reflexively, without a thought to what that means. The water flows into his nose and mouth quickly, ready to fill up his lungs and drown him...and his body suddenly reacts, jerking...his eyes opening wide. He exhales, the bubbles rising to the top...and inhales again, really starting to feel the suffocation now, the painful lack of air.

He makes himself endure it, until his body makes the choice for him...he lifts his head up, spraying water all over the place as he staggers back, and falls on the floor. He turns on his side, coughing up the water and sucking in the air again. Then he pulls himself up, reaching up and shutting off the faucet. His hand drags limply across the surface of the water in the sink, then falls to his side as he slumps against the wall, pulling his legs up, hugging them to his chest. He stays like that for a while, silent...staring at nothing...breathing deeply, shivering and cold. And soon, he starts to feel the warm saline, building up in his eyes, leaking out...mixing with the icy wetness of his face and hair. He closes his eyes again, letting more tears out...hugging his legs tighter, trying to make himself disappear as he cries harder. He buries his face in his knees, his back lightly hitting the wall as he rocks himself...

...and his cries leak out of him as the tears do...quietly, but full of unbelievable, indescribable pain...echoing slightly as they move through the air, traveling up and out.

*****

Tea's body jerks slightly, involuntarily, as she suddenly wakes up. She lifts her head, listening...thinking she heard...something. But as she concentrates, all she can hear are the sounds of the beach, the ocean right outside the house. She sits up, on the couch she'd been calling her bed lately, yawning...looking around at the living room in the dark. It was quiet, peaceful...just like every other night had been there at her grandmother's.

She reaches for the bathrobe next to her, slipping it on as she stands up. She ties it around her, then hugs herself, feeling a chill. She walks quietly through the small house, through the kitchen and out the back door. The ocean gets suddenly louder as she steps outside, the wind blowing her hair all around. She pulls the robe tightly around her, leaning against the doorframe as she stares out at the empty beach, her grandmother's backyard...scanning the dark horizon...unable to see much of anything except the sand and white caps of the waves.

She stands there for a long time, even though it's cold and she's shivering...because she still hears...feels...? Something...something besides the waves, besides...everything. It was a strange sensation, and it worries her as she stands there, trying to figure out what it is. She can't place it, or even describe it...but as she continues to listen, her heart starts to sink...knowing, just knowing somehow...that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

As the wind whips her hair across her face, her lips slowly part with realization...and without knowing the what, why, where or how...she starts to cry...slowly at first, then the tears start flowing faster as the fear and panic set in. She stares out at the horizon again, as if looking for some confirmation. But it just stares back at her, dark...endless...and she shakes her head, as if it were telling her something she didn't want to hear.

She bites her lip, trying to think rationally for a moment...then she goes inside, grabbing the phone and dialing Del's number. It rings, and rings...then the machine picks up. She sighs, waiting for the beep...then she whispers.

"Hey, it's me...um...it's late...or early. I, uh...I hope you're still going...or on your way already. Please, PLEASE call me as soon as you've talked to Bo, I....I dunno, I...I just have the worst feeling that..."

She trails off, needing to take a breath as more tears fall...then she clears her throat.

"...that something really bad has happened to him...please call me."

With that, she hangs up...and slumps into one of the kitchen chairs. She leans down onto the table, burying her head in her folded arms...and waits.