...my hands are cold...
...Tea thinks, as she sits in the car outside the gas station. She rubs them together, breathing into them to try to warm them up, looking out at the turnpike...still busy, even as late as it was. So many cars, so many trucks whizzing by...so many people with somewhere to go. She shakes her head, slightly amused...
...must be something important...to be on the road at this ungodly hour.
Then she realizes...that she is one of those people. She, too, had something so important to do that it couldn't wait for a night's sleep. It couldn't wait a few hours...or even fifteen minutes. Was it even five minutes...? she wonders, as she continues to rub her hands together, absent-mindedly. There seemed to be a loss of time there, between the moment she placed her hand in Todd's hand...and the moment the car started. Her brow knits tightly, trying to remember...
...when the driver's side door suddenly opens, letting in a blast of cold air that instantly freezes her hands all over again. She looks over as Todd gets in, a cup in each hand. He hands her one of them, steaming from the hot coffee inside.
"Here...thought you might be cold," he says.
Tea's eyes widen a little at the unexpected gesture; and for the first time in...well...she can't quite remember how long, at least an hour...she makes eye contact with him. Todd's eyes widen a little as well, taken off-guard...so much so that he has to glance away. But he tries to cover by pushing the cup at her again. She continues to stare at him for a moment...but finally, she turns and reaches for the cup. As she does, her fingers touch his, for just a second...but time becomes a strange, elastic thing, slowing and stretching itself in her mind...
...and suddenly, she doesn't even notice how cold her hands are anymore.
*****
"Tea...wake up...wake up..."
Tea feels hands on her shoulders, shaking her awake. Her eyes open slowly...and after a few seconds, she realizes where she is. Not at a gas station on the Jersey turnpike, but in her grandmother's kitchen in Puerto Rico. She sighs, trying to move; but she feels locked down, tied to the table where she'd finally fallen asleep. She sighs again, forcing herself up.
"OW...ow...ow..."
"Oh, mija...why on earth did you sleep there? That can't be good for you," Abuelita says.
Tea groans some more, leaning this way and that, trying to bend herself back into a normal position as her grandmother walks over to the stove, slowly...reaching out with an arthritic hand for the teakettle. Tea watches her struggling to lift it; but just as she decides to get up and help her, Abuelita gets a decent grip on it and lifts it up. She pours the water into the two cups as neatly as she can, but she gets just as much on the counter....and puts the kettle down as gently as she can, but it makes a loud clank, and she has to stop for a moment afterward, to catch her breath and regain her strength. Tea just watches her, a sad smile crossing her face.
"I'm sorry."
Abuelita looks at her, confused. "Sorry for what?"
"Sorry that I showed up here...without...I dunno, calling first...without asking you, I dunno," Tea replies, with a sigh, burying her face in her hands.
Abuelita laughs a little, slowly making her way over to a chair and sitting down as Tea looks at her again.
"...it was a really rude, inconsiderate thing to do. I'm so sorry."
Again, the old woman just laughs. "Tea...you are always welcome here. Don't give it another thought."
Tea smiles again...a sad, half-hearted one, as she looks back down at her hands. Abuelita reaches out to her, gently touching her arm with her own delicate hand, making Tea look back up.
"What happened?"
A silence passes, as Tea looks at her...wondering where to start...and wondering what, exactly, DID happen. She sighs again.
"Y'know...that's a really good question. I don't know, Abuelita...I don't know. I feel like...like every decision I've ever made in my life has been the wrong one. I don't know how I got here...I don't know what went wrong...I don't know what to do now, and I..." she stops, half-laughing to herself.
"...shit. I don't know much of anything."
Abuelita starts laughing again, and Tea looks up at her suddenly. "Are you laughing at me?"
"Oh..." the old woman says, wiping her eyes. "...forgive me...I don't mean to. But you haven't changed at all. You've always been like this, ever since you were a child."
Tea straightens up in the chair, getting insulted at her reaction. "Been like what? What do you mean?"
Abuelita sighs, not having had a good laugh in a long time. "Always so hard on yourself. Always. I remember...whenever you were learning how to do something, no matter what it was, you'd get so mad if you couldn't figure it out right away. Don't you remember?"
Tea slumps back down, realizing that she was doing exactly that...getting mad. She shakes her head.
"No, not really."
Abuelita rubs Tea's hand again, soothingly, like only a grandmother can. "As soon as your mother left, you took her place...taking care of the house, taking care of your father and your brothers. Always taking care of other people...always so serious...the oldest little girl I ever saw."
Another silence passes, as Tea reaches for the pendant around her neck...the one that belonged to her mother, and rubs it...without even realizing she's doing it. Abuelita smiles, nodding.
"Yes...always so serious...always so afraid of failure."
Just as quickly as her defensiveness had subsided, it returns...and Tea makes a surprised face, finding herself speechless.
"You say you don't know how you got here...or how things went so wrong. But that's not true."
Fighting an urge to fire back, Tea gets up, angrily pushing her chair back and pacing around the tiny kitchen.
"With all due respect, Abuelita...you have no idea what's been going on in my life."
Abuelita turns slightly, following her granddaughter with her eyes. "I may not know the details...but I don't have to. I know you."
Tea rolls her eyes at that. "Oh, for chrissake..." she mutters to herself, whirling around.
"I am so tired of hearing that!!"
"Hearing what?"
"That line... 'I KNOW YOU,'" she says, in an exaggerated tone, making little quote marks with her fingers as she sits down again.
"How is it that you know me, and Del knows me, and...Todd knows me...better than *I* know me?? How is that possible??"
Abuelita just continues to smile at her, knowingly...which just bothers Tea even more.
"I hate what that implies, Abuelita...I really do."
"Imply?" the old woman replies. "Oh, Tea...that is such an awful word. I'm not 'implying' anything."
"Yes you are! What you really mean is that *I* don't know myself. That I can't see what's really going on...that I'm stupid, or...blind, or something."
Abuelita straightens up a little, and raises an eyebrow, staring directly at her...a very simple gesture that suddenly makes Tea feel like she's five years old, and about to get sent to her room. So she sighs, looking down.
"Sorry...I don't mean any...disrespect."
"You'd better not, child. I may be old, but I'M not stupid, either," she replies, quietly...but firmly.
Tea sighs again, guiltily. She rubs her forehead, a mass of knotted nerves. "I just...don't like feeling like that...like everybody knows what's going on except me."
Abuelita sighs too, reaching out to touch her hand. "It's not that you don't know what's going on, Tea. You do...and you see just fine, otherwise, you wouldn't be here now. But I think...you forget things about yourself...things that color what you see."
"What do you mean?"
"You doubt yourself. You just said it...you feel like every decision you've made has been a bad one," she says, with a small laugh. "You think that you deserve all the blame when things go wrong, simply because you don't know exactly what to do, or how to handle it...immediately. Mija...do you see how silly that is?"
Tea furrows her brow. Abuelita smiles wider, rubbing her hand.
"It's not possible to know what to do all the time, in every situation."
Tea sighs heavily at that. "I suppose," she whispers, looking down again. Abuelita reaches out and lifts her chin.
"Tea...you need to let go of this...all this guilt you carry around. It doesn't help anything, and it doesn't change anything. It just eats away at you...it prevents you from ever being truly happy," she says, and Tea sniffs, feeling her eyes stinging with tears.
"I can't help it...how can I NOT feel bad? How can I not feel responsible? I mean, look at me...my life is a mess."
"Complicated, yes...messy? I suppose. But not hopeless."
Tea half-laughs at that. Abuelita studies her for a moment, then slowly, gets up from the table. Tea watches her as she refills her cup, with difficulty...putting the kettle back down with a heavy clunk.
"You think I don't remember meeting him?" she asks with her back to Tea.
Tea's eyes widen at that, as Abuelita turns around, holding her teacup with both hands.
"I remember that day...and I remember seeing...many things," she says, sitting down again. Tea bites her lip, not sure what to say...so she stays silent, watching Abuelita stir sugar into her tea with a shaky hand. Then she looks at Tea, pointing to her own eye.
"The eyes...I remember the eyes very well. Striking."
There's a silence, as Abuelita remembers, shaking her head. "I don't think I ever heard the details, but I just knew...he'd had a very difficult life. So much pain...so much loss, in those eyes...a neglected, unwanted child, searching for someone's love."
Tea covers her mouth, struck by her insight. "You only talked to him for five minutes, Abuelita...how could you see all that?"
Abuelita smiles, sadly. "It was nothing he said. It's all in the eyes. I've seen enough abandoned children in my life, mija...too many. They all have the same eyes. It's so sad."
Tea nods, looking down again, as she continues. "Anyway, I could see that...he was going to make your life interesting."
Tea has to laugh at that, looking back up. "That...is the understatement of all time."
Abuelita squeezes Tea's hand. "Yes...I'm sure. But I could also see...that he was the one."
The nervous smile fades from Tea's face, and Abuelita leans in, looking at her with kind eyes.
"Both of you...are so afraid of taking this risk. So afraid of failure, of hurting the other, and on and on...but don't you see how it's nearly destroyed you both, all this fear?"
Tea sighs, wagging her eyebrows...then she stands up, letting go of her hand to walk over to the back door. She stands there, looking out through the curtains at the ocean.
"Yeah, well...there's other things in those eyes...like distrust...paranoia...cruelty...rage," she says, entranced by the water...suddenly wondering again what had happened to him.
Abuelita turns slightly, looking at Tea's back...at the folded arms, the hand undoubtedly covering her mouth in worry.
"I just...don't think I can help him anymore. I don't have anything left to give him."
It's quiet for a moment, as both of them listen to the sounds of the waves outside. Then Tea sniffs, wiping her eyes as she turns away from the window and goes to the sink, leaning on it.
"I thought I could handle it...I really did, I thought I knew everything there was to know, and...that I'd seen the worst of it..."
Abuelita's brow crinkles...a little at first, then more, as she grows more concerned. But she doesn't say anything...she just watches Tea's shoulders rise and fall with a heavy sigh.
"I thought I could make it better. I thought if he just knew that someone loved him...that I loved him, if he could just feel it...that it would make all the difference. But it didn't," she whispers, turning around slowly.
"I just realized that nothing I did ever really helped him...and it hurt. I felt so...STILL feel so...helpless...and USE-less. 'Cause what was I DOING there? We went through so much, so many awful things, for so long, and for what? Just to arrive at the same end? To end up apart, and miserable anyway..." she says, trailing off as she covers her face.
Abuelita stands up, taking a slow step over to her. As soon as she touches her hands, Tea throws her arms around her, crying into her shoulder. Abuelita sighs, feeling for her. She strokes her hair, rocking her a little.
"Oh, Tea...shhh..." she breathes, soothing her. "You listen to me now...just listen. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. You have such a big heart...so much love in you, and no one to spend it on. So fate sends you someone who needs your love...someone searching for a reason to live. Someone like that...whose life has been so empty, who hasn't had anyone treat him kindly...won't be easy to love. That distrust you see...that rage...has protected him from the world. But you, mija...you have it in you to see beyond all that. I know you see a good person in him, otherwise you'd have given up long ago. And even though you don't think so, you've come so far...you've done so much good. But still...there is work to be done. You can't give up now."
Resting on her shoulder, Tea just closes her eyes...tired...drained. She lets out a breath that sounds like a laugh, and Abuelita squeezes her tighter.
"I know...you think you've done all you can do...that you have nothing left. Well...I don't believe that."
"No...it's not that. I mean...it is, but there's more to it than just that."
"What?"
"Before I left, I felt something I never thought I would. One tiny moment...where I was actually afraid of him...afraid of what he might do to me, without even realizing or meaning to," Tea replies, pulling away finally.
"Oh, Abuelita...he's tried so hard to leave it behind him...all that hatred, and all the violence that grew out of it. But I...I don't know that he CAN leave it behind...or that he even WANTS to. I mean, I've seen it...I felt it...it's...it's ingrained in him, and it...scares me. This is a man who can be so gentle and caring one minute...but then turns around and shoots somebody just to get my attention. How do I deal with that?? SHOULD I even deal with that??"
Abuelita wags her eyebrows at that. "Mmm. Well...that IS a problem."
"Yeah...a big one. How can I ever be sure of him? How can I ever know that...that it won't happen again, to someone else...or to me?? How can I look him in the eye and tell him that I'M afraid of him...ME...the one who's supposed to love him, the one he thinks isn't afraid of anything. It would kill him. I can't do that."
Abuelita studies her for a moment, then smiles sadly. "But what is the alternative? To live the rest of your life in hiding...avoiding everything that frightens you? You know that won't work."
Tea looks down at that, but Abuelita lifts her chin up. "Tea...you've been so brave, all through your life. And that's all you need to get you through this...that's all that BOTH of you need...courage. Courage...and your love. Don't you see, don't you realize how close you both are to having everything you want? It's right there, you're almost there, both of you. But you need to be brave, you both need to face your fears head on. Because THAT...is all that stands in your way."
Tea's eyes fill up, as she looks into her grandmother's wise eyes. Such beautiful, inspiring words...but still, she feels that twinge of uncertainty, and looks down again.
"I don't know. I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Abuelita tightens her grip on her shoulders, forcing her to look back up.
"It's very simple, Tea. You were meant to happen, you have to keep believing that. And if you let this fear beat you back, you're denying your own happiness. That goes for both of you."
Again, Tea finds herself lost in her grandmother's eyes...seeing her father's eyes, her brothers', her own. Denied happiness seemed to run in the family, but even still...she finds strength in her words, at least enough to stop the tears. She sniffs, wiping her face...then she reaches out, gently cupping her grandmother's weathered cheek. And all she can do is smile...a wistful, tired smile.
The phone rings just then, breaking through the silence, and jolting them both out of the moment. Tea looks over at it...then she gets up, and makes her way over to it, slowly...reluctantly...dreading what she's going to hear. She sniffs again, picking it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby," Del replies, his voice smooth and deep, as usual.
"Hi...are you there now?"
"No, actually...I'm still in the city---"
"What??"
"Wait, wait a sec, let me finish. After I talked to you, I called around to some old buddies of mine in the precincts, asked 'em to keep their ears open, y'know? So...one of them called me this morning, just as I was heading out the door."
Tea waits for more, but nothing comes...and it starts to worry her. "Yeah? And??"
Del sighs on the other end. Tea shuts her eyes, her heart sinking fast. "Oh, god, Del, will you just TELL ME already?? What happened??"
Another sigh, and the sound of him clearing his throat...then...
"Well...I found him."
Again, Tea waits for the other shoe to drop, but Del won't say anything else. She looks up at the ceiling to keep from crying again.
"What does that MEAN??"
"You'll see when you get here. I know you're halfway out the door already, so. Call me at home when you land."
With that, he hangs up...and Tea holds the phone against her cheek for a moment before hanging up herself. Then she looks over at Abuelita, who just nods.
"I'll call the taxi for you."
To Be Continued...
