The Jellyfish Doctor
By Jason Wilder Konschak


Far away, in a land where wishing still lead to something, there lived an Arabian King 
whose daughters were all honey-toasted, yoga-trim, sexpots. The youngest of the 
daughters, Csillia, was such a fox that, when she was only 12, a Rainbow grew jealous 
of her beauty, and set her house on fire. Luckily, she escaped the burning inferno by 
climbing down her own hair. Later that evening, the King’s Secret Service caught the 
mad-dog Rainbow fleeing the scene. It was tortured, forced to divulge the secrets of 
nuclear fusion, and then beheaded with a copper-wire.
Having survived that, Csillia ripened early and ripened plump in the Spring of 
Puberty. She became perhaps the most stunning, squeeze-tempting princess ever to 
shake her tasseled-top. Indeed, even she delighted in her beauty, except when it made 
inanimate objects jealous, or when she was stalked by horny forest critters.
Now, the King’s palace was on the Ruby Shores of Calhabim. So, when the summer 
days were especially hot, Csillia would put on her jeweled thong and sit topless by the 
sea on a pier that hung out over the rocky coast. To pass the time, she took a golden 
ball with her and tossed it around. This was her favorite game in the world, next to taking 
acid at a Pink Floyd concert. 
It so happened that one day, she was tossing the ball, and it didn’t fall into her little 
hand. Instead, a seagull pooped in her eye. Uncaught, the ball bounced on the pier and 
rolled off the edge. It dropped down into the waves below. There, the ball disappeared. 
Seeing this, the Princess was filled with despair, and began to swear. Her swearing 
became louder and louder.  
While she was cursing, she heard someone say to her: “What’s the matter, toots?” 
She looked around to see where the voice came from. She finally saw a jellyfish. “What 
are you cussing about?” the Jellyfish gurgled.
“I dropped my ball into the ocean,” she answered. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
“Be calm; don’t curse. I can be of assistance.” answered the Jellyfish. “But, if I fetch 
your toy for you, what will you give me in return?”
“You may have whatever you want: my jewels, my thong, my crown, a pair of my 
underwear, which I sold on the Internet for $45—“
“No. I desire none of that.  But if you will care for me, let me be your companion and 
playmate, let me sit with you at your little table, eat from your golden plate, snort your 
golden cocaine, swim in your Olympic-sized golden Jacuzzi, I will go straight down and 
fetch your toy.”
“How you chatter, you silly squid—“
“I’m a jellyfish!!”
“You can’t be friends with me. I’m on the land. You’re in the sea.”
“Oh–but if you proved your love for me–I would be able to live on the land forever.”
“Does that mean kiss you?”
“Well, yes … and a bit more,” answered the Jellyfish.
“What chu talkin bout, fish-fish?”
“We’re talking, I don’t know. Maybe third base.”
The Princess thought about it. She had gone further and gotten less in elementary 
school. But the jellyfish made matters a bit messier. Yet, she figured why not? Why not 
lie to the squid?
“Go get my ball, and I’ll prove my love to you, squid.”
“Jellyfish!!!” 
But, nevertheless, as soon as he’d been given the promise, the brave jellyfish 
dropped beneath the waves and vanished for a long time. After a many long minutes, 
the princess forgot what she was waiting for, and went inside to watch Total Request 
Live on MTV. Thus, when the jellyfish resurfaced with the ball, it found her missing. 
“Fuck!” shouted the squid. “Now I got to be resourceful!”
The jellyfish swam through the day and into the night, the golden ball heavy on its 
tentacles, until it came to a royal pipe spewing raw-sewage. Being a jellyfish named 
Skippy, Skippy didn’t much mind swimming through human-waste, and so he crossed 
the first threshold with little trouble, and entered the Princess’s lavatory unharmed. 
There, in the pipes, he waited for the right moment, so he would not alarm her.
At midnight, the clocks chimed 11 o’clock, and Csillia stepped into the lavish 
bathroom. She dropped her velvet robe, stepped up to the gigantic tub, started the 
water, pulled the scented curtains closed, and slipped into the sudsy water, letting the 
tub fill and fill and fill with warmth. 
Then, Skippy plopped out of the spout, on her thigh, with a shout:
“Hi! Remember me? I’m the fish made of Jelly!”
“Dear GOD!” Csillia cried. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting what’s mine! So, here’s your damn ball. Now give me my damn loving!”
“Mad squid! Mad squid!”
“Shut up bitch!” Skippy cried, slapping her with his tentacle. “Put out or get out!”
“Oh! Yeah right! That’s like whipping me with a wet noodle!”
“Give me some sugar, baby!” Skippy begged, latching onto Csillia’s chest.
“Rape! Rape! Guards! I’m being raped by a talking squid!”
“JELLYFISH!!!!”
Instantly, the guards stormed in, and grabbed Skippy by his tentacles. It took 23 
guards, each holding one tentacle, to pull Skippy away from the lovely Csillia. Jellyfish 
make awfully good suction-cups.
“Ha! Ha!” Csillia laughed. “You’ll regret stalking me, fish! There is a penalty for wild 
animals that molest the princess!”
“And you’ll have one hell of a jellyfish hicky on your boob tomorrow!”
“Off with his head!” the Princess gasped, horrified. “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!”
 “You got it boss,” the guard said. 
Without emotion, the thug took a pocketknife from his belt, and unfolded the largest 
blade. He pressed the Jellyfish against the sink-top, and methodically sawed Skippy in 
half. Skippy didn’t scream even once as he perished. The deed done, the guard picked 
up the two halves, intending to flush them down the toilet, when suddenly a little man 
jumped out of the Jellyfish’s slimy corpse!
“Not so fast, bozo!” cried the little man. He was no more than the size of a thumb, but 
he jumped like a flea, up onto the guard’s head. “Take this!” he cried in his high-pitched 
voice. He then double-fist punched the Neanderthal on the bald-spot, and the big jerk fell 
down and broke his crown, and the other twenty-two went tumbling after, as the little 
man kicked all their asses.
Princess Csillia watched in awe as the little stranger made mincemeat of her highly 
trained platoon of eunuchs. When they all were left bleeding in broken piles around her 
crescent-shaped bathtub, the little man leapt onto her bar of ivory soap and confronted 
her.
“Who are you, strange little fairy?” she asked.
“I’m not a fairy, and I’m not little! And where I come from—they call me Dr. Wilder!”
“What were you doing in that squid!?”
“It was a jellyfish, you ditz! A jellyfish that ate me alive, while I was lost at sea, stuck 
in an empty bottle. Luckily, before being digested, I was able to climb up into the fish’s 
simple nervous system. There, using the electricity in the battery of my pen-light, I was 
able to control the fish.”
“But why are you so little?”
“Because of a curse was put on me by an evil tribe. A  curse that can only be broken 
by kissing a virgin.”
“I’ve got news for you, doc. I’m not a virgin.”
“And I’ve got news for you, toots. I’m not just kissing you!”
“Ooh baby!” she giggled. “You’ve got a way with words – unlike that squid.”
“Yeah – yeah – chop – chop. Let’s get to it. I’m tired of being small enough to hide in 
a condom.”
“In a what?”
“Forget it.”
At that, Dr. Wilder took a deep breath, held his nose tight, and confidently dove down 
into the darkness of the soapy bath water. He only got trapped inside a bubble for a 
moment, before he at last broke free, and came to the dark entrance of 
***CENSORED****
***CENSORED****
***CENSORED****
and, having done that, he felt that he was totally himself once again.
“Was it good for you, baby?” he asked, leaning back against the edge of the tub.
“Um …well,” Csillia considered, resting her head on her handmaiden’s bare back. “I 
think it started out slow, and a bit too kinky for my taste. But it got better at the end, with 
the fireworks, and the laser-lights, and the fairy godmother, and you getting larger, and 
then my seven hand-maidens joining in, and you killing my father with a wash rag.”
“Yeah. That was all quite splendid,” the Doctor said, savoring the moment. “But I’ve 
got to go, babe.” He then abruptly climbed out of the bath and started dressing in the 
King’s bloody robes. 
“What? Shouldn’t we get married, and live happily-ever-after?” 
“Honey—the Doctor’s always on call. He hasn’t got time for all of that hoity-toity crap, 
and if you want to be as sane and well-adjusted as me, Dr. Wilder, you’ll forget all the 
ritzy-ditzy-shitzy too. Besides, you need to learn a lesson. So I’m out of here. Catch you 
on the flip side.”
“A lesson? A lesson about what?”
“About promises.”
“What!? Are you telling me that you would have slept with a jellyfish, just because it 
brought you back your ball?”
“Baby—if I lost one of my balls—I’d do anything for the chick who brought it back.”
Then Dr. Wilder slipped out the window, and was gone from the kingdom forever. 
But, Csillia’s son, born only 9 months after the Doctor’s mysterious visit, ruled the land 
with a heartless iron fist, and helped his people to conquer many peace-loving nations, 
until he was overthrown by starving peasants and skinned alive with sea-shells.

THE END.