ASK DR. WILDER
     Who Do You Think You Are, Anyway?
     
     By the wise and woolly Jason Wilder Konschak
     
     Last time, I discussed our place in the world, here in the nightmare of our creator. 
     Afterward, I got a lot of flak from the public. Some of it was because of my bizarre 
     philosophy, but more was because I hadn't researched my 80's TV-shows well enough. 
     In the end, the arguments boiled down to one question. "Dr. Wilder, who the hell do 
     you think you are, bossing me around, when you don't even know the difference 
     between a rocket booster (which is from Flash Gordon) and a turbo booster (which is 
     from Knight Rider)?"
     And I answer, "Well, that's a complicated question, sucka."
     Who am I? On a good day, I see into the clockwork of the universe. On a bad day, I 
     drop my Sony Discman into the toilet. Sometimes, I wear a bad-luck charm, so my 
     good-luck won't be wasted on something really easy, like making fun of Greg Prince.
     Of course, I'm trashing my "journalistic integrity" by describing myself. So, to give 
     you a more objective outlook, I asked my ex-girlfriend to write a quick description of me. 
     To protect the "innocent," let's call her, oh, maybe something like ... Gerda the Green 
     Witch - Who Can Kiss My Ass. 
     She e-mailed me this crazy crap. 
     Dr. Wilder is, arguably, human. He's a lousy writer, a smart-ass, and an unfeeling 
     idealistic whore. He's claustrophobic, afraid of hairdressers, and gave up my three 
     favorite pastimes: smoking, drinking, and smoking other stuff. In his defense, he has all 
     his own teeth, and he's good in bed. But why not? He spends half his time thinking 
     about it, writing about it, and drawing chicks with titties bigger than Perdue chickens. 
     Thank God - I'm free of the 'great' Doctor!
     What can I say? She's not only a crazy fool; she's a bitter one too! She's majoring in 
     Calculus! She's a damn number-head - so forget about her. I say to Gerda the Green 
     Witch - Who Can Kiss My Ass: "Go to Hell TWICE, and don't get a muffin either time."
     In Hell, they give out Muffins as door prizes.
     
     Another question that I've been asked, which might shed some light on what I am, 
     and why you should listen to me, is this. "Dr. Wilder, where do you come up with all this 
     bullshit?" To that, I have a very good answer.
     "Research, sucka: legitimate scientific research."
     You see, I'm the head of a dedicated staff of volunteer researchers, comprised of 
     myself, my mother, several ex-girlfriends, and GE. When a question arrives, we go to 
     work on answering it immediately. For example, let's look at the question, "It's hard for 
     me to smile. Is that why I don't have any friends?" which I received a few years ago.
     To answer this, my scientists captured human test subjects, locked them in a sterile 
     environment, and periodically smiled at them while delivering food pellets. I recorded 
     how many were friendly afterward, and saw if smiling had had any affect. It turns out 
     that they all hated us. So, that didn't tell me a tinker's cuss about anything.
     Next, I went out, and stared at strangers, to see how I personally reacted to being 
     refused a smile. I found that, when someone didn't smile at me, I felt violent toward the 
     person. I imagined a huge vampire bat swooping down and gnawing at their throat, 
     while they screamed and fell backward into traffic. When the bat failed to appear, I beat 
     the hell out of the person. This happened almost every time, except one. In that case, 
     the subject ducked and I toppled over the balcony. Still, the study was valid.
     My point is - I answered that question, and I answered it scientifically.
     So, now, you know three things.
     One, Dr. Wilder is a sane and stable individual, who you can turn to when you need 
     advice. Two, Dr. Wilder's answers are the result of scientific study, and are totally 
     reliable, and should be followed to the letter. And three, never date a calculus major. 
     Especially one named Brook Putnam - who can kiss my ass!
     
     (If you have a question to ask Dr. Wilder, send it to jkonschak@hampshire.edu or 
     PO BOX 0712.)