What Humans Are Good For.
By Dr. Wilder.

Romeo is dead. We, the species, lurk in the blue of night. We, the species, 
lurk, because we’ve accomplished next to nothing here on Earth. We’ve scared 
off God, disappointed the Space Aliens, and poisoned the honest, hard-working 
critters. We, the species, are lame-ohs.
We forsake the day and worship the night, not because the moon’s cool, or 
Juliet was right, but because hiding our shame means more than a fig leaf now. It 
means making half the planet scarce: the half covered with cars, smog, garbage, 
asphalt, people poo poo, and us.
So when you ask, “What are humans good for, Doc?”
I say, “Erg, sucka.” I say, “Erg.” 
I know as much about the value of we, as about the rules of Snooker.
Snooker? I assume it requires some balls. Also, I assume it does not require 
a penguin. Thus, the penguin does not need to be named Goober. And the value 
of we? I assume it requires some balls, too. Also, I assume it must be unique to 
us. So scratch my first instinct: hamsters make sweet-love too. And fuck love, 
hippie. It’s a cliché anyway.
Sure, sure: the best chance we’ve got lies in the arts and sciences. Pyramids, 
E=mc2, the starched flag on the moon, democracy, jazz, our genes all get 
names, psychology, language, artificial intelligence, philosophy, oodles of 
noodles, wheels, Quantum Mechanics, Beethoven’s 9th, the Superbowl, and 
ETC. We have shit-loads of ETC when it comes to art and science. 
Alas, guess what’s true about the best of both. Bach is noise. Esher is 
wallpaper. Math is to reality, as your phone-number is to the color of your hat. 
And I’ve never seen a dog impressed by any of it. They don’t give a tinker’s cuss 
about our games with sound, color, or numbers. Thus, as my Physics Professor 
would say, “Fuck that shit, man.” That shit can all go fart in a beeshive.
So, in the end, what have we accomplished? What is impressive? If the aliens 
came to vacuum us up tomorrow, what would we have to show them, to prove 
that we deserve to keep crapping in their garden?
I’ll tell you what, pal. We’ve got just one thing. And that’s juggling. 
I shit thee not! Juggling is the greatest achievement that we’ve ever known, 
and the only impressive thing we’ve ever figured out how to do, and all by 
ourselves. So if there’s anything I can put my beliefs behind, it’s this: the rest of 
the human comedy is bland, but juggling makes it all shine like a spit-polished 
supernova.
I can only speak with this confidence because I’ve studied juggling at the 
atomic level. And it’s simply incredible. Do the math. There are only two hands 
involved, but there are three objects, or more. Yet, nothing falls on the floor. It’s 
clearly beyond human thought. In short, to understand juggling is to understand 
the infinite nature of our ability to understand.
My best going theory is this. While holding two of the masses, the juggler 
somehow takes advantage of the localized curvature of time-space, and throws 
the extra mass into extra-dimensional space. There, it resides in a strange 5th 
dimension until the juggler summons it back into reality. 
That, my friend, is far out.
To continue my investigation, I built a humble juggling machine, called the 
Jugglatron. By imitating the actions of famed circus performers, it was capable of 
juggling two concrete balls, along with a small pod. The Jugglatron was 230 feet 
tall. The pod was from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I sat inside it, and was juggled.
I will say only this: being launched beyond the infinite, into that frightening 
alternate dimension, through the great barrier that no human has ever crossed, 
wasn’t as impressive as watching Bobo the Clown juggle six live fish. All 
considered, the other dimension was boring. It was pretty much the same as this 
one, except that everything was shifted 3 inches to the left. All of my photos 
came out off-center.
Nevertheless, the truth remains the same. Juggling is all we have to show for 
ourselves, when all is said and done. And if I have to believe in a God, I’ll believe 
in one of those Vedic Hindu gods with the 12 arms. They can juggle a hell of a lot 
more fish than Jesus can.