JUST ENJOY THE WORDS.


Dear Hamsters,
This is Dr. Wilder. I’m calling out from the Strange Land of the Bndoundous. Here at the campfire, 
enjoying the happy fungus that grows on the dark wheat, I feel I should call out, and lay some cosmic truth 
on y’all. But, I’m dictating all this into the Omen answering machine, and my cell-phone irks the 
Bndoundou Totem God, so I haven’t got the time (to tell you God is just animism’s personification of the 
Universe.) 
On the other hand, what I can do is try to explain why I’m here in the Wonky Land of the Bndoundous, 
and sneak preview the crunchy wows I’ll be unfolding in future issues.
The number one reason I’m still here, (in the Whack Land of the Bndoundous), is I’d rather epoxy a 
rabid rat to my face than return to that rotten fink of a college after Spring Break. Div Is? Books to read? 
Shovin? Lovin? Hot Buns, straight from the oven? Fuck that shit man! There’s a bomb on the bus. Fuck 
that shit right up a chimney spout!
Disenchanted, like the masses, I’ve come to the wilderness to find some center to my silly-puddy soul. 
In the Bndoundou Tribe, where the venom of the Eastern Bndoundou is a hardcore ceremonial 
hallucinogen, I’ve discovered and dreamed things that would make your head unzip.
“What you mean you, stupid fucking white man?”
Upon arriving here, I was accepted into the Bndoundou people.I had an AOL account, and they really 
love chat-rooms. Chief Tootintowo even bestowed me with an honorable Bndoundou name, Winkachunka. 
Tootintowo means “Sleeper of a Thousand Sleeps.” Winkachunka means, “Always Makes People Scream.”  
Of course, with Fortune Cookies and Indian Names, I always add, “In Bed” to the end, just for shits and 
giggles. “Always Makes People Scream … In Bed.” Hehehehehe. “Sleeper of a Thousand Sleeps … In 
Bed.” Mwehehehehe Chief Tootintowo funny. He no personality.
You’re probably asking yourself, what the hell is a Bndoundou, anywho? 
Fact: the Bndoundou is the world’s rarest flying rodent. It looks like a hamster, with a long pointed 
nose, and cute fuzzy wings under its arms. They fly is swarms, calling out beautifully, “Bndoun dou dou 
dou dou! Bndoun dou dou dou!” Then, they dive-bomb a gazelle. Their poisoned noses pierce its flesh. 
They bring the beast down. They feast voraciously. They’re nasty little devils … but so cute. I think 
Hampshire College should adopt the Eastern Bndoundou Flying Hamster as its official mascot. 
Tootintowo earnestly agrees.
But, why why why why why am I here in the first place? Why would high-class city-cruiser, Dr. 
Wilder, come to the savage land of kamikaze fuzz-balls? “I’ll tell you what, suckah. If you want to be as 
sane and well adjusted as me, Winkachunka of the Bndoundou Tribe, you gots to listen here.”  I’ll tell you 
why! To save the Div-III system at Hampshire College! 
If there’s anything Hampshire lacks in the wide world of marketing, it’s a bad-ass imagine. Hampshire 
needs to be seen as a hell-raising, rebel school, taking on the world, goddammit. But, the sad things is, its 
Div-IIIs (the crowning jewel of its mad regime) are small; unambitious; polite. I don’t say “bad.” They’re 
wonderful. Beautiful. Lovely. But they aren’t bad-ass. 
Let me give you an example, so you can grasp the crux of my gist: those who concentrate in politics – 
and what do they do for their astonishing Div-III? A report? A performance? A class? A protest? FUCK 
THAT SHIT MAN! We should be taking on the world!
If you’re taking World Power and Authority classes, then you should be required to invade a country 
and set up your own government. Power and Authority concentrators should be ganging up with 
engineering concentrators, to build big A-team style tanks, covered with super-clever artillery. Hell – let 
some video and film students make propaganda for the new political system. And let the Hampshire 
activists form groups and protest the takeover. Let them send aid to the conquered people. It’s all covered.
Dig?
And – when the Div-III has proven that it can hold power and quell the people – it’s time for the next 
year’s Div-IIIs to take over!  All someone has to do is start the damn cycle. Am I right?
So, don’t tell the Chief… because I’m here to take him down.
Hampshire College: We Kick Peasant Ass (and Still Care about the Little People).