Rant of a Toast Guppy AN IM PERFORMANCE SCRIPT By Wilder (BREAD LOVER (BREAD), looking for a new recipe at www.breadfan.com, sees TOAST NEO-GUPPY (TOAST) on her AOL Instant Messenger buddylist, and IMs him a harsh threat.) BREAD: Poopy on you, Toast. TOAST: (accepting IM with curiosity) Poopy on you... BREAD: Poopy poopy poopy poopy poopy poopy poopy poopy pooopy poopy pooooopy! TOAST: Go to hell. BREAD: Dammit! You guppy! TOAST: Go to hell. BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy TOAST: Gippy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: Guppy BREAD: b BREAD: r BREAD: e BREAD: a BREAD: d BREAD: What's that spell? TOAST: Yummy. BREAD: BREAD!!!!!!! TOAST: No it does not!! BREAD: Yay bread. TOAST: You are stupid. BREAD: I'm a big bread fan, myself. TOAST: It spells toast. TOAST: I like toast. BREAD: Well, you're deranged, as I thought. TOAST: Toast. BREAD: Toast fucking sucks bread's ass. BREAD: Bread, bread, bread. BREAD: GO BREAD! BREAD: BREAD! BREAD: BREAD! BREAD: YAY BREAD! BREAD: BREAD LOVERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! TOAST: I am not deranged... I’m just ahead of my time… aware of my situation: bread gets soggy when you put tuna fish on it. BREAD: You make shitty tuna fish, then. TOAST: I like it soggy, so the bread needs to be toasted. BREAD: Soggy is shitty. You bread ruiner. TOAST: With cheese! BREAD: Yay bread! BREAD: YAY BREAD! BREAD: Down with Toast. BREAD: DOWN WITH TOAST! TOAST: Up with toast, down with bread. TOAST: Toast goes with everything. Bread has flaws. BREAD: You have just alienated yourself from everyone at Hampshire. TOAST: Toast goes with cinnamon and sugar. BREAD: THIS IS A BREAD HALL. TOAST: So what!? I'm already alienated from the rest of the world anyway! BREAD: That's because you're an evil Toast Pagan. TOAST: Well... toast is good with peanut butter and mashed bananas BREAD: Nope. BREAD: Bread is. TOAST: No it is not ... and I don't care if no one likes me ... I'm used to no one liking me. Geniuses are seldom adored. BREAD: Fine. TOAST: Fine TOAST: Will you still like me? TOAST: Please? BREAD: Yay bread lovers. Boo toast zombies. TOAST: I will be a zombie then ... and fuck you! You freaky bread vampire! Adhere to your old ways! BREAD: Yay bread. TOAST: All of the bread people ... I piss in the milk of your mothers! BREAD: Yay bread. TOAST: … Yay milk? BREAD: Milk is okay. BREAD: But not as good as bread. BREAD: It's a fluid. TOAST: Why, what would bread be without milk? Nothing. All clumpy and yucky. That's what. BREAD: I agree, I agree. Milk aspires to be something more. To be bread! TOAST: Milk does not aspire to be bread ... it is better than that ... in fact, bread is the lowest form of food! Below even ketchup and mayonaise! BELOW MIRACLE WHIP and CHEEZ WIZ! BREAD: Well, you're obviously half-witted. BREAD: That statement is clearly asinine and enraged. TOAST: Well, if I'm so stupid, what are you doin' hanging out with me? BREAD: I'm not. I'm just sitting here with my Bread Lovers club, laughing at you. BREAD: Bread Lovers of the World Unite! TOAST: Well, fine, you can take your bread, a whole loaf in fact, and shove it in your ears ... and I will go eat some toast! BREAD: I'm sure you will, you psycho. BREAD: End the Bread Genocide. TOAST: And it will be yummy and delicious and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! TOAST: Now ... I must ask you ... be it white or wheat that you are defending here? BREAD: End the Bread Genocide! TOAST: White or wheat, bread boy? BREAD: All colors and creeds are equal. TOAST: Or is it perhaps, rye? TOAST: Only wussy boys eat rye. BREAD: Yay bread, one and all. TOAST: That shows how little you know about bread ... You are not a very good fan at all, are you? TOAST: White cannot be eaten unless it's toasted. TOAST: However, I will admit, wheat and rye are okay without being toasted. But, they are still better as toast. BREAD: That is the most disgusting, prejudiced remark that I have ever heard. TOAST: And pumpernickel is in a class of it's own BREAD: You’ve never even had bread, I bet. TOAST: Hey, don't talk to me about bread. I know bread, and, and there is no way that white bread can beat out raisin bread. BREAD: White bread is equal to every other race of bread - you bigot! BREAD: Bread is bread. BREAD: And I'm for bread. BREAD: Yay bread. End of story. TOAST: I know everything there is to know about bread ... and I also know that white bread is considered by dieticians to be less healthy than other breads. TOAST: Other breads are multi grain! BREAD: Healthy for WHO? For YOU!? BREAD: Damn you, you selfish bitch. BREAD: This is about THE BREAD, not about YOU AND YOUR HEALTH! BREAD: Bread is bread. TOAST: You freak ... white bread makes you fat BREAD: All breads are created equal. TOAST: No they are not. TOAST: And white bread has no flavor. BREAD: You're a bigot. BREAD: You're disgusting. TOAST: (sigh) TOAST: You are extremely ignorant of bread BREAD: You cannot judge a bread by its color. TOAST: I can judge a bread by it's taste! BREAD: You are a toasting guppy. GUPPY! TOAST: And white bread is inferior! TOAST: Toast it up! TOAST: Toast it all up! BREAD: All breads are created equal. Your twisted stereotypes are sick, and show how sick you and your guppy friends really are. TOAST: Toast it up in flames! Hell, eliminate it all together! BREAD: I find no humor in this. BREAD: Say no to toast. TOAST: You need help. You’re brainwashed by the white bread dogma. BREAD: Bring the breakfast genocide to an end. BREAD: I'm a big bread fan, myself. BREAD: SO, yay bread, ONE AND ALL! BREAD: Bread is bread. BREAD: And bread is for me. BREAD: Go bread! TOAST: You need to realize that I am a connoisseur of bread ... and white bread is no good. It’s a proven fact. BREAD: You are a fucking idiot. TOAST: White toast...now that's a different story. BREAD: Not funny. BREAD: Bread is bread is bread is bread is bread is bread. TOAST: You are the moronic one here my dear, hanging on to fantasies. BREAD: Toast is DEAD BREAD. TOAST: Well, then the only good white bread is DEAD WHITE BREAD. BREAD: You will not find supporters for your sickness here. TOAST: This just shows that you know nothing. You must be a white bread baker. BREAD: Say what you will. Because, if I were, I would be proud to be! TOAST: You white breads are all crazy … so I've given up trying to show you the truth. BREAD: Then, sulk away. BREAD: Or change your views. BREAD: They are immoral. BREAD: immoral. BREAD: immoral. TOAST: Never. I if must have no friends, I will do it toasting bread. TO SAVE MY HEALTH. BREAD: If you keep hating Bread, you will go down in flames. TOAST: Kill the white bread BREAD: Goodbye. (signs off) TOAST: Toast. (goes back to reading online pornography)