YOU GET THE ANKLES AND I'LL GET THE WRISTS
     By J. Wilder Konschak, "The Almighty Glark."
     
     Hang tight.
     I'm about to set up this article with Biblical history. 
     As I understand it, the Bible says that God played favorites, and that his 
favorite angel was Lucifer. Lucifer was a "with-it" dude. That's what the Bible 
says. And as I read it, Jehovah and Lucifer used to hang, telling secrets, 
downloading MP3s, drinking Java and checking out the cans on the seraphim. 
     They was real tight droogs. 
     But then, one day, Lu said, "Yo, Jo, I think I might take the reins for a 
tick, make it snow up from the ground today. What'd'ya say?" To which Jo 
replied, "Take the reins? When That Seemingly Useless Fiery Place Beneath the 
Earth freezes over!" 
     Of course, Lucifer felt awfully snubbed by God's apparent lack of faith, 
and decided to split. Essentially, he said, "I've had enough with this 
monolithic, dogmatic, Good nonsense. I'm gonna start my own business, and I'll 
call it ... Evil." So, essentially, just because he wanted to, he left Heaven, 
started Hell, and invented Good's opposing force. 
     The whole universe went from mono to stereo, just like that.
     So, what's this got to do with the cost of slickers in Saigon? Essentially, 
I feel that my lot in life is no longer satisfactory. I noticed this morning 
that I'd been standing in the shower for two hours, and I hadn't moved yet. I 
was in a coma, and the only reason I could find for this was that I couldn't 
muster the motivation to pick up my shampoo. I just looked at it. 
     Nothing had any meaning.
     Neither the Religious Right, nor the Satanic Goth has any appeal for me 
anymore. Good and Evil have gotten stale. There's no pleasure in helping others 
- and drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll have lost their good old ragtime flare. I need 
somewhere else to turn, to make shampooing and conditioning my hair to a silky 
sheen mean something again. But, I've realized that no one's going to do it for 
me. It up to me to turn this binary world into a trinary system.
     Thus, I am starting Glark. Good, Evil, and Glark.
     I plan to set up base in my closet. I will call it Spoojot. Everyone who is 
glark while they live will go directly to Spoojot after they die. I, on the 
other hand, will be the master of Spoojot, called the Glark. This may seem 
uncreative, but think about it. God is Good. He dropped a letter. The Devil is 
Evil. He added a letter. So, as Glark, I'm going to keep it simple. 
     As the Glark, as the figurehead of all Glarkness, I will possess all the 
powers of that position - similar to the powers of God to do Good, and the Devil 
to do Evil, except that I will have the power to do Glark.
     Of course, this shake-up will inevitably make Good and Evil more 
interesting for everyone, just as Evil made Good more interesting. God will now 
have to send down new commandments, things like, "Thou Shalt Not Play Bongos on 
the Roof, for that is Glark." Evil, for the first time, will have to dedicate 
itself to something more specific than the "not good" platform it's been running 
on. This is the only practical way to avoid confusing Evil and Glark behavior. 
"To have unmarried sex is Evil, to use whip-cream while having unmarried sex is 
Glark." 
     The Satanic churches will have to organize. There will be preachers, "The 
Devil gave up Heaven for you, and what do you do? You go around putting whip-
cream on things! That is the work of the Glark! Do not be tempted by the Glark, 
or you will spend the rest of eternity exiled from the warming pits of Hell, 
locked in the great stuffy closet that is ... Spoojot!"
     Essentially, I'll be adding to our choices as citizens of this universe. Of 
course, this will make religions a bit more like huge, twisted advertising 
campaigns. But in our commercialized era, what could be more healthy than a 
robust market for spiritual belief?
     Of course, we could always use quadraphonics. As an opinion from inside the 
industry, I think it's time a woman got in on the game. So, if you've got the 
motivation, ladies, step up and put in the time. I have, and I've reaped the 
benefits.