OUR LIVES ARE IN DANGER!
     By J Wilder Konschak
     
     I'm sad to report that, last weekend, an unauthorized party terrorized this 
peaceful campus. At around 10 PM, this bash made its loathsome way to the 4th 
floor of the 3rd letter of the Merrill House, to the sky-lit penthouse lounge 
there. Having arrived, it exploded in cold blood, lashing out with classical 
music, with silver goblets, with lovely flowers in crystal vases, with wine and 
with cheese, both from the dregs of unholy France. It was all the brand of 
debauchery that too often rears its horrid head when today's youth looks to 
express affection for a friend on her birthday. Punks in silk shirts and leather 
vests. Thugs in expensive evening gowns and heels. Shameless, unblushing 
chatting in candlelight. 
     I avoided their flickering wax-fires. I locked out the thumping, ungodly 
Bach and Beethoven. I was in my room, wishing someone could end this rowdy crowd 
of revelers. But our "public safety" officials ignored the eminent danger. And 
even if I had called for their help, they'd have only asked the mob to remain 
quiet, to move the alcohol out of the common space, into someone's room. So, I 
feared I was alone. 
     But, I'm happy to report that the Merrill House office came through on this 
one. Yes, several unnamed angels-thank you, whoever you are--braved the violent 
scene, silenced the roar of whispers, and confiscated the oceans of punch and 
wine. They disposed of the vile poisons by dumping them into the bushes, and all 
before the teens could even exchange gifts. With decisive, unilateral action, 
these public servants extinguished the danger, all before a single complaint 
could be reported! 
     Kudos to them!
     I soundly support this strict policy. It was clearly enacted for the safety 
of the students, for the betterment of the community, for the good of humankind, 
and obviously not as a result of jealousy, poor judgement, or individual bad 
moods, as some might suggest. In fact, this "zero tolerance" policy should be 
extended to all facets of Hampshire Housing Code. Many terrible threats go 
totally unnoticed on this campus, and may continue to do so until someone dies, 
if we don't watch these rule-breakers carefully. For example, let me point out 
the illegal and potentially fatal problem caused by these irrational students 
who choose to keep small pets in their rooms!
     Merrill C4 has its share of this mess as well (how is it that the bad 
apples always bunch together?). There are fish. There might even be turtles. But 
worse, one student dares to keep in his room a huge, unmistakable, gerbil. Yes, 
I had the misfortune visiting that room, only to be greeted by a foaming, rabid 
rodent, which charged the glass and nearly burst through! The beast then 
retreated to its dank cavern of pine-shavings, where it sharpened its razor 
fangs on a whetstone. Or maybe it was a sunflower seed.
     Nevertheless, it is no fuzzy, lovable, harmless pet. You can't hold the 
thing, or stroke it, for it would instantly scratch your eyes out, it would gnaw 
your thumbs off, it would poo poo your palms useless! 
     And I shutter to imagine what would become of Merrill if this demon clawed 
through its flimsy glass cage! It would surely devour all our food, all our 
clothing, all  our books! It would poo poo in our shoes. It would eat toxic 
chemicals, grow mutant spores, and then self-replicate, so that hundreds of the 
tiny monsters might drive us from our own building! It would be a Kingdom of 
Gerbils!! We would be their slaves.
     This is what keeps me awake at night.
     This is what makes me think of transferring to a safer school.
     This is what makes me glad that Merrill House is finally cracking down and 
stomping out obvious dangers like Wine and Cheese Galas. Maybe soon, the Threat 
of the Dominion of the Kingdom of Gerbils will be become but a frightful memory 
of a harsher yesterday. 
     Now, in closing, you may think, "Well, at least we have you, fine writer of 
this article, as a voice of sense and safety." But, that is exactly how 
insidious and surprising danger can be ... that is exactly what I'm asking you 
foolish madmen to think about, the next time you buy cheese and wine, the next 
time you feed your beta, for you see, the gerbil is mine!
     And I put sugar in his water.