CHAPTER FOURTEEN: 1998
All's Fair
Ryoga felt his face drain of color as his name was called. Springing back, he searched for the source of the voice.
“And Ranko-chan!”
Ranma blinked. “Momma?”
Nodoka blinked in almost exactly the same fashion. “What was that, Ranko?”
Ranma shook her head wildly. “I mean... uh, Nodoka-san... auntie? What a surprise!”
It was. Despite the fact that they had known that Nodoka would be at the fair, they hadn’t been aware that she’d be in charge of one of the booths.
Nodoka was dressed in a black kimono with little red dragons running around the collar and hem. She was standing beneath a large banner which proclaimed that she sold herbs, sachets, crystals, and charms of various kinds.
“Nodoka-san...” Ryoga breathed, reading the sign.
The older woman colored. “Oh! Well, I have to do something on the side. I’m certain you children understand. A woman alone can’t simply hope for kindness from strangers. Excuse me,” she concluded as a customer timidly approached.
“My boyfriend,” the young woman began to whisper, and from that point on she was inaudible to the pair of teenagers.
“Oooh, so this is where you two wandered off to!” Ukyo exclaimed cheerfully, finding the pair underneath Nodoka’s black and red banner.
“Wow, charms!” Akane exclaimed, her black mood finally lifting. “Want to get one, Ukyo?”
Ukyo smiled and winked. “We’ll see, sugar. Lessie what they got, hmm?” She eased up to Ryoga. “What’s wrong with you?” she whispered. “I leave you alone one second and you and Ranchan are gone! I thought I’d find you in Tampoco someplace!”
Ryoga’s entire body shivered for a moment as though he’d been shaken, or doused with cold water, or had suddenly awoken from a nightmare. “Oh,” he said in a curiously flat voice. “Sorry. I was talking to Ranma. Did you know his mother’s a witch?”
Ukyo frowned. “Ryoga, that isn’t nice! Ranma’s family definitely has its downside, but it’s not Saotome Nodo...ka...” She broke off as she caught sight of the proprietress. “Oh. That kind.” She brightened. “Cool!”
Nodoka pressed a small package into the woman’s hands, and the young lady seemed to melt back into the crowd. “Well, well, well!” she exclaimed. “So many young people come to my booth!”
Akane smiled as she gazed at the way Nodoka filled out the dark kimono. “Auntie, you’re hardly the old maid type.”
Ranma nodded. Her mother seemed to be glowing, tonight. “How long have you been... uh, doing this?”
Nodoka tilted her head, frowning in concentration. “Let me see; perhaps it’s been seven years or so. Now; how many of you girls would like a love charm? I’d lay bets that all of you have a sweetheart, if I were the betting kind.”
Ranma smiled politely, a little forcedly, but Akane and Ukyo laughed nervously. “Well...” Ukyo admitted.
“Let’s see. We’ve got a wide variety of love charms, here. Enchanted red thread, dove’s hearts, koi rod, and of course an actual potion which must be consumed – but I don’t recommed it. Side-effects, you know.”
“Koi rod?” Akane stammered.
“You really ought to burn those,” Ryoga advised in that same passionless voice.
“Ah, a group that speaks from experience,” Nodoka murmured. “How strange. Most of the young people I come across don’t have all that much knowledge of the occult.”
“Oh. Well, we’re well-versed,” Ukyo commented dryly. “Comes from hanging around Ran...” she trailed off. “Er... Ran...ko.”
Nodoka smiled gently. “I see. Ranko, dear, is there something you’d like to tell me?”
Ranma froze. “Er... n-no...”
“I see.” Nodoka’s grave air lifted and she grinned again, a merchant simply selling her wares. “So, any charms? Hmm. I’ll let you four back here, just this once, because I trust you not to meddle or make a mess. You can take a good look around and let me know what you’d like.”
She lifted a small tent flap and guided her daughter into the back area. Ranma was followed by Ukyo, then Ryoga, then Akane.
Ryoga felt as though he was being frog-marched. He wanted to get away, but it was impossible to escape.
“Wow, look at this!” Akane enthused, causing Ukyo to scurry over to look. “Perfect Crystal?”
Ukyo peered at the small glass box with the clear top that rested in Akane’s hands. A stunning milky-white crystal shone from the confines of the container. “Wow is right,” Ukyo breathed. “That would make some necklace, Akane.”
Akane nodded, then smiled a little mischeviously. “Moon Power, Make Up!” she announced, lifting the crystal above her head.
Nodoka’s voice floated back to them. “I wouldn’t do that, dear.” Her voice was loud and insistent.
Ukyo and Akane exchanged a skeptical glance, but placed the crystal rapidly back where they’d found it.
“You don’t suppose...” Akane whispered.
“Naw,” Ukyo assured her. “Just part of Saotome-san’s schtick, that’s all.”1
Meanwhile, Ranma was rooting around in bags of mixed herbs, bringing some to her face and smelling. “Mmm, Ryoga. This is a good one.” She handed the bag to the Lost Boy, who looked at it as though he’d never seen a baggie of plants before. “Smell it,” she urged.
Ryoga sighed and complied. Suddenly, his head felt a lot less like it was stuffed with wool. “Whoa. What’s that?” He peered at the bag, which simply had a number written on it in permanent marker, and a price.
“Hope it’s not truth serum or anything,” Ranma giggled, still pawing through the mix.
“So you really believe in this stuff?”
Ranma shrugged. “Why not? I don’t think my mom’s a huckster, Ryoga.”
“That’s not what I meant. Maybe she believes. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“It does, sort of. Intent is nine tenths of action,” Ranma murmured. “Oh, that’s another nice one. Smell this.”
Ryoga obeyed. “Like fire,” he huffed, coughing helplessly for at least a full minute.
“Whoa.” Ranma thumped him on the back. “Breathe, Ryo. Breathe.” She grabbed the clearing mixture and placed it by his nose.
Ryoga breathed deeply, of course. He was still trying to clear whatever had a hold on him, and so the moment that he could get some air, he did, and a lot of it.
The clean, sharp smell assaulted his nose immediately. He stopped coughing almost right away; but now, instead of feeling simply clear-headed, the entire universe seemed to have taken on jagged edges. Everything was too bright, too close, too loud. Ranma’s hair hurt his eyes, and the fair outside sounded like a herd of elephants. His own clothing seemed so rough that it was sure to cut him to pieces. And his own gasp of pain and surprise seemed to shatter the world.
Nodoka rushed back to him and skidded half on her knees, ending up next to the panicking boy. Examining his eyes, she frowned and cursed quietly and withdrew one of the bandannas from the Lost Boy’s forehead. Immediately she fashioned it into a blindfold and covered his eyes. She drew two small squares of gauze from a small stack by some half-prepared herbs and stuffed them in his ears.
Ryoga’s breathing slowed. He felt almost normal. Except for the fact that he could smell Nodoka’s righteous anger, a clean high note like a lemon passed through fire; Akane and Ukyo’s confusion, a tight uncomfortable slightly bad smell; and Ranma’s guilt, a worried sweaty smell.
“I’m so sorry Auntie,” she was saying rapidly. “I didn’t think smelling them would do any harm, I–”
“For some of these, that’s all it takes to activate them,” Nodoka chided in a chill but controlled voice. “What else did the two of you smell?”
Ryoga heard the sounds of certain things being passed to Nodoka.
“Hmm. One-fifty-three and two-twenty-nine. All right. No harm done, child. Don’t look so glum. This’ll teach you to meddle with magic you don’t understand.”
“Yes, auntie,” Ranma whispered, sounding heartbroken.
“There, there, dear. I’m not angry. Not really. Why don’t you put those back and look at the crystals for awhile?”
Ryoga scented Nodoka’s anger dissolving in the face of Ranma’s contrition. Now she herself smelled a little guilty, but also very wary, like she was afraid the same thing might happen again. Hesitant.
“Let’s see you now, Mister Hibiki,” Nodoka breathed, almost to herself. “Brace yourself.”
Ryoga flinched at the feel of her fingers forcing his lips open, gagged at the strong, bitter taste of the dry herb she placed on his tongue, but swallowed as ordered. The moment he did, a scratching sensation began at the back of his throat, and he began to cough noisily. After a second or two, he felt quite a bit better, although the need to cough remained.
The world had returned so clearly that he found himself almost immediately lifting the blindfold and removing the gauze from his ears. Ranma leaned over to thump him on the back. “Look after him!” Ranma ordered and ran from the tent.
Moments later, she returned with the same ladle she’d used to splash the tears from her eyes and moved to Ryoga’s side, forcing the water on him.
“Uh... excuse me?” a strident voice came from the front of the shop.
Ukyo, who had been staring at the scene in a somewhat removed, shellshocked way, straighted. Bounding to her feet, she ran to the window. This she could handle. “May I help you?”
Ryoga’s coughing finally eased. “Ugh,” he whispered, wiping the side of his mouth.
Nodoka patted him on the back. “Sorry, Ryoga-kun, but that was the only way to ease your suffering. That herb expels any potions. If you had kept the original formula within your system, your senses would have remained that heightened for fourty-eight hours.”
Ryoga shuddered. “Then t-thank you...”
“It’s my fault for not warning you,” Nodoka sighed. “Although Ranma here offered you the correct counter-agent, it’s supposed to be ingested, not inhaled. Ranko, you have a feel for...”
Ranma was staring at her mother, wide-eyed. “Y-you c-called me ‘Ranma’.”
“I’m so sorry!” Nodoka exclaimed, standing and straightening her kimono. “I hope you’re not too insulted; I do feel a certain... affinity for you, Ranko,” Nodoka admitted, placing a gentle hand atop Ranma’s head. “So... please think of it as a sign that I feel close to you. All right?”
Ranma’s small shy smile made its appearance. “Nn. I will.” She stood, pulling Ryoga to her feet. “I’m really sorry for the trouble m... auntie.”
Nodoka gave her the exact same smile in return. “It’s no trouble. Or, in any case, not all that much. I’m happy you came. It seems you have an aptitude for my art. If you’re interested, I’ll train you.”
“I’ll... uh, think about it,” Ranma replied. “Thanks for considering me.”
“Only, don’t use Ryoga-kun as your guinea pig, please, Ran... Ranko.” Nodoka blinked. “I certainly do seem to want to call you ‘Ranma’ today!”
Ranma shuffled her feet in the dirt, looking slightly embarrassed.
“Certainly, let me ask.” Ukyo retreated into the back and conversed quietly with Nodoka. After a moment, Nodoka nodded, bustled around and retrieved the perfect crystal.
“This should power the ray gun perfectly,” she said with a sunny smile. “And here’s something for that cold!”
Everyone but Nodoka sweatdropped.
After Genma had come by to pick up his wife, Ranma, Ryoga, Akane, and Ukyo rode the roller coaster twice each. Although Akane and Ukyo screamed and squeezed their eyes shut, Ranma and Ryoga contented themselves with an occasional gasp. After the Catfist training and the Breaking Point Technique training, nothing was all that frightening anymore.
When they finally tired of riding the ‘coaster, they met up with Nabiki and Kasumi, and played enough games of skill and chance to win a handful of prizes, each. Nabiki, of course, had somehow managed to con one of the young men working a prize table into giving her a small, stuffed giraffe without actually having played any of the games; no one was quite sure how. Somewhere along the way, Akane and Ranma had forgotten exactly why they were so upset with one another.
“I need to get home,” Kasumi whispered, yawning widely. “Come with me Akane. Come with me, Nabiki. It’s too late to be awake.”
“C’mon ‘neechan, the night’s still young!” Nabiki was surprised at how much she’d been enjoying the fair. More than one guy had given her a line – which never, ever happened at Furinkan. They were too afraid. She was heady with the flirtation and more than a little punch drunk from being awake much longer than she was used to.
“Mou...” Kasumi whined. She had awoken even earlier than usual that morning in order to get some housework done and because of nightmares about Tofu-sensei; now she was feeling it. Kasumi didn’t normally sleep past sunrise. She’d wake herself automatically in less than three hours.
“If you wanna go home, I’m sure we can find someone to walk you. Ryoga?” Ranma prompted.
Ryoga looked up suddenly, something like fear in his eyes. “Huh? Whassat?”
“Ranma asked you if you’d walk Kasumi home,” Akane echoed. “And I have to agree with Ranma; you look kind of beat.”
Ukyo nodded. “Yeah, sugar. Time to call it a night.”
“Oh. Kasumi?”
Kasumi laced her arm in Ryoga’s, and the two of them began to stumble off.
“No, Ryoga, that’s not the way,” Ranma heard a sleepy voice declare immediately thereafter. “Hope they actually get here,” she commented wryly.
Daisuke broke out of the crowd and almost ran past Ranma before she grabbed his arm.
“Whoa,” he breathed, taking in her outfit with a full-body lecherous glare. “Man, Ranma, you do clean up good.”
“Shut up idiot. Where is he?”
“Six,” Dai replied absently, still eyeing cleavage.
“Six! Gosh, I gotta go!” Ranma exclaimed.
Ukyo rolled her eyes. “What the hell now?”
Ranma turned to her companions. “Uh... something important’s just come up...”
“Nah, Ranma, jus’ be there by dawn,” Hiroshi advised. “He’s havin’ trouble with this one. ‘Sides, that’s what you told him. We all heard ya.”
Ranma nodded slowly. “Y-you’re right.”
“Can I go home yet?”
The redhead nodded again, with a smile. “I release you.”
“Nice lipstick, by the way.”
“Aw, shuddup. If you could get away with looking this good, you would too.”
Dai nodded. “Yeah, I would. See you in school on Monday, Ranma-chan.”
“You’re gonna get creamed one of these days, if you don’t learn to shut your mouth,” Ranma advised him, affecting her mother’s coolest manner.
“Promise?”
“Ugh!” Ranma screeched. “You’re a real pervert!”
“As opposed to a fake one?”
“Yes!” Ranma took off one shoe and threatened to toss it at him.
Dai raised his hands in surrender. In Ranma’s case, a shoe was a deadly weapon. “Never mind,” he said, very, very quickly. “See ya, bye!”
Akane was sharing cotton candy with Ukyo and Nabiki. “What was that all about?” she inquired, tearing a piece off of the stick and handing it to the okonomiyaki chef. “Not about Kuno, I hope.”
Her tone said that it had better not be.
“Aw... sorta. Don’t worry, though, Akane. That’ll be the end of it.” Her eyes hardened. “I swear.”
“Nn,” Akane agreed, too pleasantly full of sugar to argue. She and Ukyo were leaning slightly against one another. “So, Ranma, what did you buy from your mother?”
Ranma shrugged. “Just a little something for bringing order out of chaos. For some reason, she said I needed three.”
Nabiki chuckled under her breath. “I still can’t believe she owns that stand. That thing’s been there every year for five or six years, I just didn’t connect it with Ranma’s mother.”
“Well, ‘all women need to have a skill’,” Ranma said in a credible imitation of her mother’s most demure tones. “What did you get, Akane?”
Akane winked. “Tha’s a secret.”
“Aw, c’mon, ‘Kane,” Ukyo prodded, none too gently. Mostly because she was prodding with her elbow.
“Ow!”
“Everyone knows ya got a charm fer luuuuvvvv...” the chef drawled pleasantly.
“Grr! Baka! Now he knows!”
“What do I know?” the redhead inquired, confused.
“Nothin’. It’s a general thing, not a specific one,” Akane defended. “Just supposed to draw love to me... or draw people in who already like me... or something like that.”
“Akane, you idiot!” Ranma snapped. “Mom’s charms seem to work! Are you sure that was a good idea?”
Nabiki blinked, coming slightly more awake. “Mou, you’re right. She could have even more problems with the guys than before! If that’s possible.”
Akane buried her head in Ukyo’s shoulder. “Nooooo...” she wailed.
“I’m sorry, sugar, I didn’t think of it that way, either,” Ukyo consoled.
“Well, what did you get?” Ranma demanded of the okonomiyaki chef, a slightly defeated feeling creeping over her as she wondered what trouble this would get Akane into.
“Huh? Oh, me an’ Akane got the same thing,” Ukyo explained.
“So you like the Tsubasa and Konatsu types,” Nabiki filled in.
“Noooo!” Ukyo wailed into Akane’s hair.
For once in their lives, Nabiki and Ranma were on precisely the same level. They both began to laugh, very, very hard.
A half an hour later, the party began to break up. Most of the stands that sold candy and hot tea had given up and were going home. Many of the rides had stopped running hours ago. Akane and Ukyo had reluctantly thrown away their spell sachets; but Ranma had retrieved them and sliced them open with Amaguriken chops. It wouldn’t do to have someone stumble on them, later. She wondered about the ethics of selling such charms. Of course, the koi rod thing had been a real romp, but it had also been more than a little disturbing for all involved. It had been... a real jolt, to know that she could love a guy at all, much less while in her guy form.
She chuckled, shaking her head.
“Whassat for?” Ukyo demanded.
“Dunno, just thinkin’ ‘bout all of the crap I’ve been through,” Ranma admitted. “Mostly ‘bout guys.”
“Oooh, do tell,” Akane managed, but she didn’t sound angry. More like irritated, and irritated was stretching it.
“Thinking about all the spells I’ve been under. How my first kiss was from a guy,” Ranma supplied. “Man, that Mikado was a real jerk.”
The pair nodded.
“Hey, where’d Nabiki go?” Akane inquired.
Ranma grinned. “Akane, she left a half an hour ago. And I think it’s time maybe that you should go home.”
“Awwww... you never let me have any funnnn...” she drawled.
“Akane, it’s four in the morning.”
Ukyo checked her watch and giggled. “Four fifteen! C’mon, Tendo!” She practically hoisted the youngest Tendo up into the air, she was supporting her so strongly. “This girl can’t hold her insomnia!”
Ranma laughed; Akane laughed; Ukyo laughed hardest. Everything seems really, really funny when you’re drunk and when you’re sleep-deprived.
Ranma watched the pair slouch off into the distance.
Ukyo turned to face her fiancee before they’d gone very far. “You comin’, Ranma?”
“Naw. One last thing ta do. So see ya tomorrow.” She grinned. “Today!”
The two girls waved, and were off down the road.
Ranma watched as Kuno began to sprint across his own yard, attempting to reach his front door by the time the sun rose, according to the conditions she had set for him to be able to ‘rescue’ his pigtailed goddess from the clutches of the evil Ranma Saotome.
Of course, running was very difficult while wearing crinolines and lace and carrying a cat, a reversal jewel, a stopwatch, and an ego the size of Japan. “Pigtailed goddess!” he cried. “I shall save thee!”
Kuno sprang past all of the normal traps set around the Kuno mansion before he began to slow in order to regain his breath. Kuno just managed to reach his front door as the sun broke with the earth.
Soft clapping gained his attention.
“Nice, Kuno,” Ranma lauded, but her voice was slightly flat, holding no real praise. “Cut it a little close this time, didn’t you?”
Kuno blinked. “My love! Where is the sorceror? Will I not fight him?”
“Oh, you’ll fight him,” she assured him. “Here ya go.” She tossed him a spare outfit of hers; she was not completely heartless, after all.
Kuno instinctively caught them. “Clothes!” he murmured worshipfully. “Male clothes! Oh, pigtailed goddess, I salute you!”
“Well? Put ‘em on!” Ranma closed her eyes. “I won’t peek.”
She listened as he moved, hearing the tear of cloth as he attempted to rip the feminine clothing away from his body. Ranma winced, wondering at what she’d put him through, wondering if she’d had any right. But that wasn’t the question any longer; all that mattered was whether it had worked.
“Done? Good.” She opened her eyes. “Now. Did you do everything I asked? You didn’t skip any steps, did you?”
Kuno shook his head vehemently, examining the list in front of him. “Certainly not.” He flipped open the scroll. “The dead fish, you gave me. No clue...” He frowned, deep in thought for a moment. “I started out with that, too, didn’t I?”
Ranma grinned. “Point for you, Kuno.”
“I performed the rest of the ritual in the right garb,” he breathed, “though it pained me more than I can say. I performed the ritual, and I performed it with proper intensity and feeling. I managed to bring you something that I believe you will enjoy, once it is presented. I, er, gained the Cursed Jewel and set fire to the Nekohanten, thereby gaining the cat who is not a cat. And finally, I found the clock that runs backwards. I hope it is sufficient.”
Ranma tiled her head to one side in inquiry. “You honestly did all of that for me?” She was really startled. This guy might make a match for Kasumi yet.
Kuno’s smile twitched. “Yeesss,” he drawled. “Of course. You are my love. My only.”
“Except for Akane,” Ranma reminded him flatly.
Kuno frowned, as if working this out. “Yes. Except for her. Now where is the sorceror, so I may defeat him?”
“Oh. He’s here. Just be patient.”
Kuno quieted immediately.
Ranma blinked in surprise, before briefly collecting herself. “Okay, hon, let’s take a look at why I ran you through the wringer. One and two should be obvious, although I expected you to take awhile to figure out number two.” She smiled forgivingly. “Number three.”
“The garb? Humility.”
“Not just humility, Kuno. I want you to know how I feel. Can you remember how you felt in those clothes?”
Kuno nodded.
“That’s how I feel every day of my life,” Ranma told him blandly. “I want you to take a moment to understand that.”
“Because you sometimes dress in a mannish fashion?”
“I said that you needed to take a moment to understand that,” the redhead repeated patiently, “not make immediate assumptions about why. Do you hear me?”
Kuno nodded again, and was quiet for a few moments as he spent some time absorbing this. After a moment, he closed his eyes.
Ranma realized he’d understood when a slow shudder ran through him. “Number four,” Ranma began again without preamble. “Why do you think I made you say that you should be defeated during the ritual?”
Kuno paused. “So I could learn humility, pigtailed one.”
“And to...”
“Make me wonder why I should be defeated,” he replied automatically.
“I’m curious. What did you come up with?”
“To make my sister happy, for however brief a moment; to date with you; to date with Akane; to become a better martial artist in learning through defeat; because you want me to; because I should be; so that neither me nor the evil sorceror should suffer...”2
“All right. And number five?”
Kuno procured a small, stuffed black piggy.
It was the exact same one that she had received one rainy day for the daughter she was expecting. What if she turns into a piggy? Or a little boy? she’d demanded of her husband, one afternoon, once her stomach was big, once a little bit of paranoia had set in, paranoia that her obgyn had assured her was perfectly normal. Akane had been practicing out in the dojo, her loud ‘kiya’ occasionally piercing the silence. Ryoga was a deep thinker, but not a quick one, and for awhile he pondered this. Finally, he turned to look at her quietly and say the most romantic thing she’d ever heard him say: looking at you it’s hard to believe she’d be anything but perfect. It was almost embarrassing.
The next day, a small stuffed piggie had shown up in what would be Sachiko’s crib. Ranma hadn’t been certain who’d done it for a long time, but later she learned it was Ryoga himself, assuaging his own fears about the nature of their child in a very odd, but Ryoga-like fashion. Strangely enough, Sachiko had taken to the toy right away, and now wouldn’t sleep without it. Of course, theirs was covered in dried baby spittle and a thousand other such decorations, but, other than that, the small stuffed pig was a dead ringer.
Ranma looked up to see that Kuno was staring into her face with puzzled sympathy. She finally stepped forward and accepted it like some kind of ancient tome, taking it with both hands outward and bringing it slowly to her chest. She looked up with wide eyes. “I gave you this quest to show you how little you knew me.” She swallowed heavily. “I was wrong.”
“You like it? Really?” Kuno inquired eagerly.
“Yeah.” Ranma’s eyes were filled with tears. “Actually I have... I mean... I know someone who has it... who gave it... to her daughter. I’m homesick for them, so this reminds me of... It’s the exact same one. Wherever did you find it?” She shook her head. “Wait; no, it doesn’t matter. Thank you, Kuno.”
He smiled almost dazzlingly, looking handsome in the early morning light.
“Next?” Ranma inquired, placing the small stuffed piglet on the stoop behind her.
“The Reversal Jewel,” Kuno said.
“Ah! You got it! Amazing... I never knew the old crone would give it up!” Ranma enthused. She stretched her hand out to receive it, examining it as it flashed and shimmered. “Ah, beautiful and deadly as ever.”
Kuno nodded. “What does it do?”
“Wear it this way,” Ranma said, “and you’ll find out.” She reached for the lapel of his shirt and pinned the brooch there. Then she stepped back and waited for the fireworks to begin.
She watched his features twist into incredulous rage and unconsciously went into a half-fighting stance. “Kuno,” Ranma prompted. “Let me know what you’ve been thinking.”
“This is ridiculous!” he snapped, practically growling at her. “Dragging me along like this – what are you, some kind of sadist! NONE of these rituals have any magic! All of them are just some long, drawn-out attempt to make a fool out of me. And having five sisters and brothers all named Ranma! What do you take me for?”
Ranma’s eyes widened; she took another step back. “Well...” she prompted quietly.
“No, never mind. It’s not like I care what you think, anyway. Stupid boy-girl hybrid, like some kind of plant my sister grows,” he spat. “Don’t you think it’s obvious to me who you are! ‘The sorcerer is here’, you say. Just how stupid am I not to have caught on before now?”
Ranma sighed. He was right, of course. “You didn’t want to catch on,” Ranma supplied. “The other way was easier. Not to mention more fun for you.”
“And don’t psychoanalyze me,” he bit off. “All of this was some sort of elaborate plan... to make me see the light. Did it ever occur to you that a half an hour and some hot and cold water might do the trick? You self-obsessed egomaniacal ailurophobic nightmare of a person!”
Tears gathered in Ranma’s eyes. “Don’t you... like me anymore?”
“And don’t give me that pseudofeminine bull! I’m going inside, and I hope to NEVER, EVER see you again!”
Ranma nodded, withdrawing her tears like magic. Maybe now he finally got it. “I understand. Will you give me the brooch back, first? That way I can give it back to Cologne, and you won’t be bothered.” She offered up one hand, palm up.
“Fine! Do whatever you like. I won’t care.” So saying, Tatewaki Kuno ripped the brooch off of his borrowed silk shirt and threw it at the redhead.
Ranma snagged it from the air with ease, but Kuno himself was a bit harder to catch. The kendoist sank to his knees, burying his head in his hands.
“Forgive me, pigtailed maiden! Holiest of holies! I have been possessed, but the demon has departed...”
Ranma tsked. “Don’t think so, Kuno, dear. That brooch...”
“It was the brooch! Another test; and I failed, did I not? What does it do?”
The redhead smiled gently. “In your case, it nudged you closer to reality.”
“It did what! Surely you jest.”
“No.” She shook her head emphatically.
“I do not understand. I babbled, as though I had been struck by the devil. I made no sense!”
“You made a lot of sense. You were right almost on all counts. And as for the water, I have tried that before. Maybe not for a whole half hour, but a couple of times. You still wouldn’t listen!”
Kuno blinked, shaking his head vigorously. “W-what was right?”
“About the curse; about my tricking you concerning all those brothers and sisters. Maybe about my controlling you too much. This isn’t the right way, but it may be the only way that will work. Number eight.”
“The cat who isn’t a cat?” Kuno queried softly, jostling the cat carrier.
“Ah! There she is. Now, nothing up my sleeve,” Ranma said to him. She poured hot water over the crate.
Immediately, a beautiful and quite naked Shampoo was standing in the cat’s place, removing bits of cardboard from her hair and shoulders. “Ranmaaaa...” she growled.
“Sorry, Shampoo,” Ranma said, handing the beautiful Amazon a set of clothing as well. Soon the Chinese girl was also attired in Ranma’s usual black pant/Chinese shirt combo. Ranma wanted to give the purple-haired Amazon a hug; it had been so very long since she’d seen her. But she also knew that the normally demonstrative warrior maiden would interpret her gesture poorly.
“Sorry won’t cut it, airen!” Shampoo was pouting, and her bare foot was tapping.
“Will a date cut it?” Ranma inquired hopefully. Even if she had to walk around with Shampoo hanging on her arm, this debacle wouldn’t be a complete loss.
Shampoo paused. “Better be very good reason, airen.”
“Oh. Sure it is. What I want you to do is to explain to Kuno, there, why you turn into a cat.”
“Why turn into a...?” Shampoo trailed off. She turned. “Eeek! Thought that was dream, being carried in cardboard box!”
Kuno was obviously still attempting to reconcile the fact that the cat he’d brought was actually an incredibly hot, naked girl.
“Kuno, are you listening? You have to pay attention for this to work. Do your best not to form conclusions. Just listen and accept,” Ranma commanded.
“I shall hear her,” he breathed.
Shampoo nodded to herself. “Right. So Shampoo fail in quest. Grandmother take Shampoo to very fierce training grounds: Jusenkyo. Springs cursed; very bad. Grandmother much better than Shampoo; grandmother know Shampoo lose. After a little bit, Shampoo get knocked into spring by good strong kick of grandmother’s.” Shampoo sighed, shaking her head. “Shampoo lucky she get good, strong form! Cat form not so bad, really. Good for sneaking.” She eyed her airen a little guiltily, before returning to her audience.
“There’s something you left out, Shampoo. It’s got to be really clear for my friend, here,” Ranma said flatly.
Shampoo thought back to her story. “Yes! When Shampoo fall in spring at Jusenkyo, she come out with form of cat. Not easy to control. Hot water changes Shampoo back to girl. Cold water, back to cat again. Rain; bath; bucket of water; ocean... all things make Shampoo kitty.” She frowned. “Very bad.”
Kuno shook his head. “A water curse?”
Shampoo nodded eagerly. “Airen... Shampoo is very, very sleepy. Can go home now?”
“Oh, yes, certainly. Thanks, Shampoo.”
Ranma faced the kendoist. “You see that she has a curse?”
“What a terrible thing! I carried her around as a cat all night, hardly imagining that she could be anything else.”
“Number nine?”
Kuno grinned; he was obviously proud of himself for this one. He offered the redhead a small runner’s stopwatch. “It counts backwards,” he supplied. “Only kitchen timers and stopwatches do.”
“Excellent,” Ranma praised quietly. “So, Kuno-san, learn anything tonight?”
“A great deal,” he replied earnestly. “So when do I fight your brother?”
Ranma sighed. “I thought you’d fight him when you wore the reversal jewel, but I guess indifference is the opposite of lust – not hate.”
“Pigtailed goddess...”
Ranma slapped him. Hard.
Slowly, Kuno shook his head free of the daze. “Ranma.”
She smiled slowly at him.
“I think I understand what you’ve been trying to do.”
“You do?” Her gaze was encouraging, but it was also hesitant.
“You were trying to... pile atop my delusion until it... until it collapsed under the weight.”
“Yes.”
“You realize that you risked making me even less sane than before.”
“Yeah.”
“That I could have simply been driven crazy by you.”
“I hold you in higher esteem, oddly enough.” She was still grinning at him, a grin that held more than simply having a laugh at his expense.
“You do? You mean, this really was a test? To deem me date-worthy?”
“Not exactly,” Ranma corrected. “I think you’ll be dating somebody I know. It’s important to me that you be worthy of her. She’s a really special woman, Kuno.”
“How do you know all of this?” he inquired, looking suspicious for perhaps the very first time.
“That’s my little secret,” Ranma replied. “If I told you the truth, it might just fry your new logic circuits.” She yawned widely. “Kuno, I’ve gotta go home, I’m dying, here.”
“You? You didn’t just spend the entire night chasing a dream!”
Ranma smiled at him. “Eh? Sure I did. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?” She smiled dazzlingly, watching as the sun broke away from the curve of the earth completely, casting a new light over the world.
“Lookit that!” Ukyo whispered.
“Hunh?”
“Akane, that way! Look east...”
Akane turned drunkenly, then froze. “Ahhh,” she breathed. “It’s so beautiful!”
The sun was creeping slowly upwards, dazzling the mist-laden air; the fog made the sun’s light visible as rays. The pale gold and light orange lit the entire eastern sky, while the west was still dark and dim.
“I haven’t seen one so nice in a long time,” Akane added softly.
Ukyo nodded. “So, Akane?”
“Nn?”
“You bought more than one of those love thingies, didn’t you?”
Akane flushed. “They’re for friends.”
“Me, too,” Ukyo admitted with a small grin. “But... well, those are the ones where you gotta breathe ‘em in, right?”
In a slightly sing-song voice, Akane recited, “’Breathe it in, then breathe it out; and your true love will come about.’”
“Good memory. That’s right,” Ukyo replied, nodding to herself. “Did you breathe it in?”
“Couldn’t help it. Nodoka-san stirred the herbs. I breathed it in and sneezed. You?”
Ukyo nodded quietly. “Didja notice how Ryoga and Ranma didn’t pay a lick of attention to either one of us?”
Akane frowned. “Baaaakas.”
“And how you an’ me seem a little... closer than before?”
Akane didn’t seem to make the connection. “Stupid boys,” she murmured, her head slipping onto Ukyo’s shoulder. “Stupid boys don’t know what they got.”
Ukyo smiled. “No.”
“Stupid Ranma might stupid notice one of us when he turns back into a stupid boy.”
“Yeah,” Ukyo replied a little doubtfully. Suddenly, she shook her head rapidly. “Yeah! You’re right. Ranchan’ll see me an’ be dazzled. He won’t know what hit ‘im.”
“Right.”
Ukyo blinked, wondering why Akane was agreeing with her. Probably, the youngest Tendo was too sleepy to really listen carefully to what the chef was saying, and was just responding to her enthusiastic tone.
“C’mon, Ukyo, ‘m tired,” Akane whispered. “Sun rises at five thirty. ‘S five-thirty in the morning, Ukyo. C’mon.”
Ukyo nodded. “See you later, ‘Kane.”
Akane waved tiredly. “Wait, wait. ‘S silly ta have you walk all th’ way back there. C’mon, we got room.”
“A...Akane...”
“C’mon,” Akane stressed, tugging Ukyo’s arm. “It’s time ta sleep.”
Ukyo had to agree that yes, it was time to sleep, and that was as far as she got before she found herself with a pair of pyjamas and in Akane’s room.
The confused okonomiyaki chef made her way to the furo to change by sheer force of will. When she returned, Akane was passed out on the bed, still in her kimono and geta.
“Kawaiikunee,” Ukyo reminded herself, removing the girl’s shoes, and untying her kimono. Akane helped, but barely; the girl was three-quarters of the way asleep. Finally, once Ukyo had wrestled her into a pyjama top, she pulled the covers out from under Akane’s dead weight. Climbing next to the other girl, Ukyo covered them both.
Akane snuggled up against her back and promptly passed out.
Ukyo froze at the feel of Akane pressed up against her from behind. No, she thought as sleep rose to claim her. You’re just being a superstitious idiot, Ukyo. I thought you had better sense than this...
Chuckling softly to herself, Ukyo fell asleep much like one falls off of a building: unexpectedly and very, very quickly. Unconsciously, she snuggled slightly closer to Akane, a small smile playing across her features.
Author’s Notes:
Ever since I wrote the Smile, I’ve wanted to see Ukyo and Akane end up together. :)
Like the ‘Girls’ Night In’ chapter, this chapter was initially far, far longer. I actually followed Kuno through his entire quest, which was by turns entertaining and disturbing to write. Then I realized that was a sidestory in its own right, and has very little to do with Ryoga and Ranma... so it may end up as a stand-alone story. I hope I included enough detail for y’all to get the basic idea of what he’d been doing all night.
In preliminary reviews, I got someone surprised that Akane and Ukyo ended up together. (Are you reading the future chapters?)
1 This, of course, is a reference to Sailor Moon. However, either through a glitch in translation or through intent, the creator of Sailor Moon made her characters’ crystals objects of real power in the real world. In other words, there IS such thing as a perfect crystal. No kidding! Find yourself a good chem. book and look it up. Certainly Nodoka would be right in saying not to jostle one around, if she happened to have one – which, by the way, bypasses unlikely and lapses into impossible.
2 There is a ritual in Japanese culture, traditionally done on a specific holiday. You pray - in this case, Kuno prayed for his own defeat, as ordered - and then you make a lap around the temple. Then you repeat. This is done some ridiculous number of times, 100, I think. Anyone remember the name of the holiday or the name of the ritual? I couldn't recall it.
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