"Sometimes it's not easy, the hero business. Not all demons have horns. And not all damsels want to be saved."-- Doyle, Angel The Series.
"It’s not all about fighting and gadgets and stuff. It’s about reaching out to people, showing them that there’s love and hope still left in the world. (Homeless lady comes up and asks him for some change.) Get a job, you lazy sow! (back to Angel) It’s about letting them into your heart."-- Doyle, Angel The Series.
"Now that’s a bit rude. So happens that I am very much human... -sneezes and his face changes into a demon face- On my mother’s side."-- Doyle, Angel The Series.
Gunn: "What's going on?"
Oz: "So, do you steal weapons from the Army often?"
Spike, (Buffy The Vampire Slayer): "Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it..."
"Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is? To love someone who used to love you." -- Darla, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Willow: "And remember...if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel."
Jonathan: "Shut up. This is real life and nobody's coming to get us. Not your aunt, who won't even return your one phone call-"
Jonathan (disbelief): "You're checking for implants?"
Andrew: "Shut up, Jerkathan! See this? This is why we get the jet packs and all you get is left behind."
Xander: "And Willow'll make sure you two boneless chickens are skinless, too."
Jonathan: "Ow! Son of a bitch!"
Jonathan:"Mexico, huh?"
Andrew (Buffy The Vampire Slayer): "Scully wants me so bad."
Andrew (Buffy The Vampire Slayer): "Uh-huh. And what then? Even if they kill that Wicca bitch, you think they'll just let us walk? They own us."
"...I wanted to say that this thing has been screwed up from the beginning. You and me. Us. Just the whole long, stupid story... But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's meant so much to me, y'know. From day one, from the moment I kidnapped you and stole your car... I knew you were the girl for me. I never wanted anyone else... I still don't. Just... Wherever I'm goin', whatever I'm doin', just know I'll always love you." -- Michael, to Maria, Roswell series finale.
Carrie, Sex In The City: "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with...."
Charlotte (looking at a catalog): "Oh my god! Vagina weights!"
"The normal make a living, the deranged make history." -- Christopher Titus
"Screw being normal. If you're normal, people accept you, you fit in. If you're deranged, people make you their leader." -- Christopher Titus
Tommy: Titus, if I die, please get the porn from under my bed before my mom cleans out my room. And also, if you look at it, keep an open mind.
"I'll give you sister a couple of souvenir balls." -- Nomar Garciaparra (from SNL skit)
"For once, your slutty ways have brought honour to the Sullivan house."-- Jimmy Fallon (as Pat Sullivan) to his sister from the same SNL skit
"They say if you get Superman in a truck stop men's room, you won't need Kryptonite to bring him to his knees." -- Jimmy Fallon (as Jimmy Olsen) not knowing Clark Kent, whose standing next to him, -is- Superman
"Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I´d have an excuse." -- Jimmy Fallon
"But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily.." La Dolce Gilda (skit from SNL)
"Chris is a bit out of his element here, he's better with gay characters. He's not good with words." -- Chris Parnell, on Chris Kattan
"An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that automaticall opens pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intended to track down the hackers responsible just as soon as somebody complains." --Tina Fey (SNL)
"Anything and everything that Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted for gravity, we'd all be floating three inchess off the ground." - Seth Myers
”Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him.
The way I feel when Linus waits for the great pumpkin. ” - Tina Fey
”A 7-year-old boy in Shebogen, Wisconsin, had to be rescued by a locksmith this past weekend after getting stuck in a supermarket toy machine -- and so begins Michael Jackson's most recent letter to Penthouse.” - Tina Fey (SNL)
”Madonna announced that she is backing Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark a much needed boost in the Puerto Rican backup dancer vote. ” – Tina Fey (SNL)
"Christian Slater, currently serving a 90-day jail sentence, was released for one night to attend the premiere of his new film, 'Hard Rain.' Twenty minutes into the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to his cell." -- Colin Quinn (SNL)
"Recently released secret documents show that R.J. Reynolds used marketing techniques to attract little kids to smoking. The most insidious plan they had was to develop cigarettes that tasted like buggars."
"Jeb Bush, the Governor of Florida and brother of George Bush, took himself out of the Florida recount process noting, 'Look, I already threw out 19,000 ballots, hassled black voters and confused the old Jews, my work here is done.'" -- Jimmy Fallon, SNL Weekend Update
"Leon Phelps has one advantage over Santa: He only comes once a year, but I have been known to come more frequently"-- Leon Phelps, SNL
"Ball'n and Chillin like a villin and white as penicillin..." -- Me [but slightly stolen from SNL]
"Stay in drugs, drink school and don't do milk." -- Skit on SNL
"That accent makes you sound retahded." --Another skit from SNL (the Boston girl)
"Hey, I know what you could sing. How about, 'Hey, while you were singing, I got stabbed in the head by a Puerto Rican.'" Norm McDonald, SNL
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handey
"I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!" - Jack Handey
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'" - Jack Handey
"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something
different." - Jack Handey
”CBS cancelled its mini-series on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference.” - Tina Fey, SNL
"Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them." -- Jack Handey
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'probably because of something you did'." -- Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts
"Once, I told my little nephew that we were going to Disney Land. Instead I took him to a burnt-down old warehouse. When we got there, I said, 'Look! Disney Land burnt down!' He cried and cried, but deep down, I think he appreciated the humour. I started to take him to the real disney land, but it was getting dark, so we went home." -- Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts
Craig Ferguson: "Toys "R" Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?"
"Happy Birthday to Janet Reno. Janet Reno is 65 today. You folks of course remember her as the original hulk" -- David Letterman
"I had a rough weekend. I found out Mom threw a beer at Ron Artest." -- David Letterman
"Dan Rather is stepping down in March from CBS News. He will be replaced by Conan O’Brien." --David Letterman
"In baseball news the Mets are trying to hire Pedro Martinez away from the Red Sox. It’s a $32 million deal. It’s a good deal, though, because with the Mets you get October off." --David Letterman
"Today is the sixth anniversary of Bill Clinton being impeached. I think we can all remember the place we
were when Clinton was being impeached. Bill, for example, was in the Oval Office having sex."--David Letterman
"President Bush has his annual physical. He's in great physical shape ... no word on the mental part... The president's body fat has increased ... He's gotten heavier. To tell you how heavy he is ... if he was a woman Bill Clinton would hit on him."--David Letterman
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." -- David Letterman
"Many world leaders called Mrs. Arafat to offer their
condolences. For example, Vladmir Putin called, Tony
Blair called ... and Bill O’Reilly called to see what
she was wearing." -- David Letterman
”The first thing I did when the baby was born was to dangle him over the balcony....” – David Letterman, on the birth of his new baby.
"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is paying a visit to President Bush in D.C. I think now is good time for him to be leaving California, nothing big happening there -- only your whole state is on fire!" - David Letterman
” McDonalds is now offering wireless internet service -- cause I'm always looking for a reason to spend more time there. That way you can e-mail the Centers for Disease Control when you have a mad cow attack ” – David Letterman
”Al Qaeda has a new weekly magazine -- it's available in all New York City cabs. The new magazine is entitled 'Voice of Jihad' or you may remember it by its old name 'Rosie'"” -- David Letterman
”Today on my lunch hour, I was walking through Central Park and you could tell it was the first day of autumn because I saw a nut gathering squirrels..” – David Letterman
”New York City officials announced that most sidewalk Santas will be volunteers from Starbucks. Nothing says
Christmas like a Santa with a pierced tongue and a frickin attitude.” - David Letterman
”A new study has found that high school students now are smoking less, drinking less and drugging less.
Most of the high school students said they didn't want to be a bad influence on their kids.” – David Letterman
"You know what I do on women's day? It's a thing – very Woman's Day for the past three years, I sacrifice a live baby goat to Oprah." -- Jimmy Kimmel
”Saddam Hussein has been captured. I'm sure everyone knows that by now unless you've been living in a hole, in which case if you were you're probably the guy they got.” – Jon Stewart
”If a 28th amendment against same-sex marriage were to be ratified, it would be only the second amendment
designed to restrict, rather than enlarge, the scope of civil liberties. Of course the first amendment as such was Prohibition in 1919. You all remember how that worked out -- people stopped drinking almost immediately, all alcohol-related problems, just, you know, gone, and the next decade became know as, if you remember, the 'Sober Twenties'.” - Jon Stewart
”Preliminary reports indicate record sales at many outlets, but remember Thanksgiving weekend normally
accounts for 10 percent of all holiday sales. So there is still a long way to go before we find out whether we consumed enough to make Jesus happy” – Jon Stewart
”Once they sanction gay marriage laws in Canada, it’s time for our president to intervene. He has lawyers looking into it…huh. He didn’t even use lawyers to see if going to war was legal.” -- Jon Stewart
"Why can't they have gay people in the military? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going, 'Who'd you call a faggot?'" -- John Stewart
”I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along?” i– Jon Stewart
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
"Lots of changes in baseball are being made right now in the off-season. The latest news is that Pedro Martinez will leave the Red Sox for the Mets. When asked why Pedro was going to the Mets, he said, "I’d like to get out of professional baseball.""-- Conan O'Brien
"Tonight was the finale to "The Apprentice." It was three hours long. Donald Trump said he was nervous because it aired live. The last time he did something live, his hair got scared of the lights, jumped off his head and ran away."-- Conan O'Brien
"The post office is raising the price of stamps by 1 cent to upgrade their equipment. Apparently they're upgrading from semiautomatics to Uzis." - Conan O' Brien
"There's a big scandal involving the Boy Scouts. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, the national director of the Boy Scouts of America was arrested on child pornography charges. Yeah. Apparently, police became suspicious when they noticed he was the national director of the Boy Scouts of America." - Conan O’Brien
"In a speech yesterday, first lady Laura Bush said that every American should have a living will. After
hearing this, M.C. Hammer said, "Hell, I don't even have a living room!"" -Conan O’Brien
”According to a new survey, Americans are having sex an average of 20 times less than one year ago. Experts blame the war in Iraq and Christina Aguilera touring in Europe” - Conan O’Brien
"China announced that they are going to open a Disneyland theme park in Hong Kong. Yeah, the bad news is they've already eaten Goofy” - Conan
"Recently the owner of the Anaheim Angels surprised fans by cutting the price of tickets, souvenirs, and food sold at concessions stands. In a related story, George Steinbrenner says he's going to start charging fans if they even think about the Yankees.” - Conan O’Brien
”President Bush spoke to the United Nations yesterday and it didn't go well. Many of its members accused him of unilateralism. Bush was angry when he heard this and even angrier when once he knew what it meant.” - Conan O’Brien
”Earlier today a tornado touched down in parts of New Jersey. Jets fans were thrilled because it was the first touch down of the year.” – Conan O’Brien
"There's a subliminal penis in there and it makes me want to buy a cigarette." -- Conan O'Brien
Gwyneth Paltrow: "In Shakespeare in Love, I played a woman playing a man playing a woman. In actuality, I am a man who was playing a woman, playing a man, playing a woman. My apologies to anyone who's ever whacked off to me."
Gweneth Paltrow: "There's nothing hotter than the sounds of two people making love in your guesthouse, not knowing they are being videotaped..."
Conan O'Brien: "If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice"
”Later this month, when President Bush visits Thailand, for security reasons, the food served to the president will be tested first by a mouse. The hardest part is finding a mouse that likes Count Chocula” - Conan O’Brien
”Hip-hop promoter Sean P. Diddy Combs ran in the New York City marathon on Sunday in 4 hours and 15 minutes. Experts say this is the first time in history a rapper has worn a track suit for a reason ” – Conan O’Brien
”According to USA Today, a chain of Christian health clubs have opened up in the South. Apparently the motto is 'What would Jesus bench?'" - Conan O’Brien
"Star Jones is making preparations for her wedding this Saturday. She’s ordered a cake, the flowers and another cake." -- Conan O'Brien
”A company in the Midwest has started making testicular implants for dogs so that dogs don't get depressed after they've been neutered. If the tests are successful with dogs, they are gonna try the fake testicles on Clay Aiken." - Conan O’Brien
”Former 'American Idol' singer Justin Gaurini is being sued by a couple who claimed he rammed into the back of their car. And when he heard that you could be sued for ramming someone from behind, Clay Aiken fled the country” - Conan O’Brien
”The Democratic presidential campaign is heating up. Yesterday Democratic Senator John Kerry announced that he fired his campaign manager. Kerry made the decision after he overheard his campaign manager asking 'Which one is John Kerry again?'” - Conan O’Brien
Conan O'Brien: "If you can laugh at yourself, loud and hard, every time you fall, people will think you're drunk."
Conan O'Brien:"I'm the Charlie Brown of late night!"
Conan O'Brien:"We have ten viewers tonight! I'm just kidding, we're a phenonmenon."
"According to USA Today, Philadelphia has launched an ad campaign to attract gay tourists. Apparently the campaign features the slogan -- 'check out the crack on the liberty bell'” - Conan O’Brien
”Several hours ago Michael Jackson surrendered to police and they took his fingerprints. Afterwards, police said Jackson's fingers looked black for the first time in 15 years.” - Conan O’Brien
”Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs said he will compete in the New York City Marathon in hopes of raising one million dollars for educational charities. Combs doesn't expect to make good time in the race, because it is hard when you have Ashton Kutcher up your ass the whole time"” - Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the president of Colombia today. Bush told the president of Colombia that Whitney and Bobby send their best. The president gave Bush a package for Bobby and Whitney." -- Jay Leno
"There was a mix-up in the Iraqi election... A lot of ballots were switched with NBA All-Star ballots and now the new president of Iraq is Yao Ming." -- Jay Leno
"Pope John Paul said he’s worried about the declining number of priests in the United States. On the other hand, it shows that our justice system is working." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush is visiting Canada this week. Since he took office in 2001, it’s his first official visit to Canada. The president apologized for taking so long, but said this will complete his goal of visiting all 50 states."-- Jay Leno
"Thank you for coming out for another freezing day here in California. In fact, it was so cold here in the valley, porn stars tongues were getting stuck to each other."-- Jay Leno
"President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend. And Dick Cheney had his annual autopsy."-- Jay Leno
"President Bush’s nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security, Bernard Kerik, has withdrawn his name. He
says it's because of nanny problems, but the "New York Daily” news says that Kerik cheated on his wife and he
also cheated on his mistress with another woman. So now Bush thinks he might secretly be a Democrat."-- Jay Leno
"According to a new study just released today, fewer American teenagers are getting pregnant. Teen
pregnancy is down. Apparently a lot of the kids we thought were pregnant are just obese."-- Jay Leno
"Happy holidays, everyone. Here’s a little tip: This is the time of year the mailman appreciates getting a little something extra. At least that’s what Karl Malone told Kobe’s wife."-- Jay Leno
"According to the New York Daily News, the White House has 41 Christmas trees up this year. Forty-one trees. One for each of the red states!"-- Jay Leno
"Here’s a new low – Fox has a new reality show called "Who’s Your Daddy?" Have you heard about this show? This is a real reality show. Adopted children have to select who their real father is from a group of eight men. Isn’t that creepy? This is for real. Adopted children, they bring out eight men and then you have to guess which is your father. For a lot of kids it’s like watching an NBA game: You know one of them out there is your dad, you just don’t know which one."-- Jay Leno
"Martha Stewart is telling people that they can’t imagine how hard it is during the holidays to be a woman in prison. And today Scott Peterson said, "Tell me about it.""-- Jay Leno
"There’s talk in some political circles of amending the United States Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger could be president. But the Democrats are against it – first, they want the Constitution changed so maybe a Democrat can maybe be president again." -- Jay Leno
"Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that
into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent." -- Jay Leno
"If you saw the footage of Fallujah, bullets flying through the air.
Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It’s like
L.A., only with much cheaper gas." -- Jay Leno
"Of course, tomorrow is Election Day. How many are voting first thing in the morning?
How many are voting later in the day?
How many are going to wait until everyone else is in line to vote and then sneak in and get a flu shot?"
-- Jay Leno
"It’s hard to believe – just one more day until the Vietnam War is over." -- Jay Leno, Nov. 1, 2004.
"Did you see that victory parade for the Red Sox? You know what you call 3 million people partying all night in
Boston? The Kennedys." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush announced today that he was going to give another round of tax cuts. Not to the whole country.
Just to Ohio." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush back talking with the press again and he was asked today if his agenda was bipartisan. And he
said, "I thought I made it clear I was against gay marriage." " -- Jay Leno
”President Bush said once again today that he is 'troubled' by all the gay marriages in San Francisco. He's also troubled by math, geometry....” - Leno
”Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is taking a lot of flack for his recent comment that he wants to be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in the back of their pickup trucks. Dean now says he regrets any pain those comments may have caused and he means it. Today he said 'I'm not just whistling Dixie.'" - Jay Leno
”Bush says he is willing to give green cards to illegal immigrants who take jobs Americans don't want. Because of this, there is a new act in Vegas -- Siegfried and Jose:” - Jay Leno
”Michael Jackson's business advisors met yesterday at the Beverly Hills Hotel. See, that's the problem – with the Beverly Hills Hotel, an orange juice is like nine dollars. They should be meeting at the Red Roof Inn or a Howard Johnson's -- isn't that where kids stay free?.” - Jay Leno
”The whole city is ringed in fire -- we are living in hell now. Everything in L.A. is covered with this fine white powder, my car hood looked like Whitney Houston's coffee table'” - Jay Leno
”Liza's ex-husband David Gest has filed a $10 million lawsuit against her, claiming she regularly hit him in a drunken rage, hitting him constantly causing severe mental anguish. On the good side, that's the first hit Liza's had in 20 years. ” – Jay Leno
”President Bush wants to increase the number of Cubans allowed into the U.S. and wants to help them find safer routes to enter the country. I believe the first two routes are the American League and the National League.'” - Jay Leno
”After Lockheed Martin named its new seaship 'The Sea Blade,' Navy officials said it sounded too gay, ... If the Navy is worried about things sounding too gay, how about getting rid of the rank of 'rear admiral?'” - Jay Leno
”CBS has taken their mini-series about the Reagans off the network and are putting it on Showtime where less people will see it. Republicans say that is not enough. They want to put it on the CBS morning show where no one will see it. ... Everybody is mad. Conservatives are asking how CBS could have made the show, liberals are asking how CBS could have caved in like that, and Jessica Simpson is asking 'Who is Ronald Reagan? Is that like chicken?'... ” – Jay Leno
”Today, President Bush signed what's being billed as the Healthy Forest Restoration Act. This is part of what he calls his clear skies legislation. Do you know why they call it that? Once you cut down all of the trees you have a clear view of the sky.” - Jay Leno
”The big toy retailer FAO Schwartz is going bankrupt. How does a toy store go broke in December? It's like a
brothel going out of business during the Democratic convention.” - Jay Leno
”According to Fox News, Latinos find the term 'illegal immigrant' highly offensive, equating it with a racial slur – they prefer the term Walmart American..” - Jay Leno
”John Kerry said we should elect the man with the most combat experience to president. Should we elect
Liza's husband? Is that what he's saying? By the way, President Bush is not fazed by other candidates'
war records. He said, these guys may have fought in Vietnam, but I created one. And also, to refute his
critics, the White House released President Bush's military records from '67, '66, '65, and '64. ... I'm sorry, that's his report card from Yale.” - Craig Kilborn
”President Bush was in California today where he promised food, medicine and housing -- and that is just for the cast of 'The Mullets’.” - Craig Killborn
”Magician David Blaine said his next goal is to free-fall from a helicopter and slam into the ocean at 150 miles-an-hour. Do you know what my next goal is? Push him"” – Craig Kilborn
”Medical experts may try to clone Rodney Dangerfield from a strand of his hair. Sweet Jesus, someone shave Howie Mandel” - Craig Kilborn
"Billy Ray Cyrus has a new album and he said that 'God told me to record another album.' That's funny cause God told me not to buy it.” - Craig Kilborn
”One of the guys from 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' is secretly dating a woman. Do you know who I feel bad for? All the little gay kids that looked up to him” - Craig Kilborn
"Thank President Clinton and former President Bush for their strong statements of support and comfort today. I thank all the leaders that are coming to Louisiana, and Mississippi and Alabama to our help and rescue. We are grateful for the military assets that are being brought to bear. I want to thank Senator Frist and Senator Reid for their extraordinary efforts. Anderson, tonight, I don't know if you've heard – maybe you all have announced it -- but Congress is going to an unprecedented session to pass a $10 billion supplemental bill tonight to keep FEMA and the Red Cross up and operating." –Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), to CNN's Anderson Cooper, Aug. 31, 2005.
Anderson Cooper: "I haven't heard that, because, for the last four days, I've been seeing dead bodies in the streets here in Mississippi. And to listen to politicians thanking each other and complimenting each other, you know, I got to tell you, there are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated. And when they hear politicians slap – you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now, because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by rats because this woman had been laying in the street for 48 hours. And there's not enough facilities to take her up. Do you get the anger that is out here?"
"Change is never easy... You fight to hold on, you fight to let go." -- The Wonder Years
"Everyone wants to rid in the limo -- you want someone who'll take the bus with you if the limo breaks down." -- Oprah Winfrey
"Take that you damn dirty helper monkey!"-- Malcolm In The Middle
"Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over." -- Malcolm in the Middle
"I lie, I cheat, I steal, and I get no respect" --Dirk Bennedict as Face on the A-Team
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -- Jerry Seinfeld
Mr. Lyle: God, you're a crazy bitch.
Hyde to Kelso (That 70s Show): "Man, if you get any stupider, you're gonna need a helmet."
"I loved a girl in San Fransisco once. *thoughtful pause* No, twice." -- Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H*
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey
"I'm from England, the country that used to own you people." Daphne, from 'Frasier'
"Slow day, eh God?" - Al Bundy; Married...with Children
Al: "What are you watching?"
"It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that." -- Alan Alda
"When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another." -- Alan Alda
"I'd sell my kid on e-Bay to see Bret Hart show up at Mania [Wrestlemania 20] tonight somehow." - Some guy from ABCnews.com, Get in the Ring Radio.
Lorne:"Oh, parasite Eve, right on out the door."
Gunn: "You're firing her?"
Angel: "Well, that's one option."
Wesley: "A generous one, considering she tried to kill you."
Gunn: "OK, first, the parasite she allegedly sicked on you wasn't meant to be fatal."
Fred: "No, just send you into a permanent hallucinogenic coma."
Angel: "And what's with the "alleged"? You don't believe I know it was her?"
Gunn: "It's not about what I believe. It's about the evidence."
Wesley: "This isn't a courtroom, Gunn. Things work with a bit more immediacy in the real world."
Gunn: "She's liaison to the senior partners. You don't get to be that without serious juice. Move against her without solid proof and it could end in a long, bloody fight."
Angel, sighs: OK, fine. I think I liked you better when you just wanted to hit people."
Gunn: "Rational thought—it's an acquired taste."
Lorne: "Wait a minute. So, we're not going to snap Twiggy into little sticks?"
Williow: "Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun."
Giles: "You'll what? Lick me to death?"
Riley: (Looks at Willow in shocked.)
Willow: "A vague disclaimer's nobody's friend. (She smiles and lightly slap's Riley's arm.) Have fun!"
Andrew: "She must be out of town-"
Jonathan: "She. Doesn't. Care. And neither does your partner in crime, Warren-"
Andrew: "Don't say that. And what do you mean, my partner in crime? We're in this together-"
Jonathan: "What do you mean - what do I mean? You guys were totally going to fly off and leave me holding the bag-"
Andrew: "We were not! (lame lie) I was - going to - carry you."
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Andrew (defensive): "Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man Treasury edition-"
Jonathan: "Okay, first of all, those were sonic disrupters. And second of all... you are sadness personified."
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Jonathan: "So you admit it."
Andrew: "Why not? You were out of the Trio a long time ago . . . in a galaxy far, far away and you wanna know why, little feller? No respect for the chain of command."
Jonathan: "Yeah, look how far its gotten you, checking every hole in your sad little body for transmitters that don't exist."
Andrew: "Oh, I'll find it if I have to check every hole in my body and yours!"
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Andrew: "Then what? You think your lil' witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck driving magic mamma! We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa-burgers and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her."
Xander stares at him: "You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?"
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Andrew: "Buttwipe!"
Jonathan: "I wasn't talking to you."
Andrew: "Oh. Reflex."
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
-- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Samantha: "Honey, my vagina waits for no man."
"But lets face it, this has been going on for years. Remember gum cigarettes. Deviant behavior was much more acceptable when we were little. You know, you had toy cigarettes, toy guns, toy money. You'd take Barbie's top off play with her. Afterwards you'd sit around with a gum cigarette in your mouth. You'd throw a Monopoly $20. 'Here's your money baby, get out.'" -- Colin Quinn
Conan: "Apology accepted."
Conan: "Hey, I stayed in her guesthouse... only I was alone.."
-Audience groans-
Conan, singsongs: "YOUR PITY MAKES ME STRONGG!"
Miss Parker: You don't know the half of it.
-- The Pretender 2001 movie
Kelly: "Friends"
Al: "Don't have 'em, Don't need 'em, Sure as hell don't want to watch 'em!"
- "Married With Children"
