The Hands I Love by Agnes Joseph

The lamp is burning low upon my tabletop
Snow is softly falling
The air is still in the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

"Al?"

The door flies open, bringing in snow flakes carried on a an ice cold wind. And you. Your arms are filled with wood for the fire and kicking the door shut with one foot, you drop the pile next to the fireplace. A huge sigh escapes you as you brush the snowflakes of your heavy coat with quick, efficient movements. I don't reply, watching you shrug out of the thick garment, when the chill in the room hits you and you rub your hands rigorously, suppressing a slight shudder.

"Al?" you call out again, this time turning in my direction, a smile sure to steal my heart away lifting the corner of that beautiful mouth as you catch sight of me. "What are you doing in the dark over there?" you ask, your voice scolding and affectionate at the same time. You walk towards me, the elegant say of those long graceful limbs never failing to enchant me.

*Watching you.*

The thought will never reach all the way to my lips.

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter's night with you

"Your hands are cold."

"Well, what do you expect?" you chuckle, waving both hands close to my face, as if the sheer proximity of the frozen digits will transmit their iciness onto me. "It's below zero out there."

I have to fight every urge to grab those hands and hold them close, kiss each fingertip separately before imprisoning them in mine, warming them with my own body and the heat of my love. Those hands who can send me to heaven and back with something as simple as a backrub, who can make my heart stop with a single touch, who can make my world stand still just holding my own.

"There's such a thing as gloves, you know."

I can't believe my voice is working, let alone that it sounds so steady, so light, so..normal. You look up, a slight frown forming as if you can see right through me. Who am I kidding? You always could.

Smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me

My eyes are transfixed on the smoke circling above your cup of coffee as you cradle it in those strong hands. There's so much I need to say to you, so much I want you to know, but for now it's enough just to look at you. I don't want to intrude upon the comfortable silence that has enfolded us in our little world. I don't want to disrupt the serenity shining from the mesmerised glow in your eyes as they gaze in the golden embers of the fire. A soul deep sigh shakes me out of my thoughts and I see you look up at me, a frown disturbing the smooth line of your brow.

There is a question in your eyes, a question my eyes are begging you not to speak out loud. *Please, love. Don't ask. One more lie between us will surely break my heart.*

You nod once, the movement so small it hardly qualifies as a nod, your eyes boring into mine, as if they want to pierce my very soul, as if you can read every thought in my head. You know, don't you? You know why I can't say a word?

You nod again. It's enough. For now.

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter's night with you

Maybe we should start concentrating on the reason you're here but I can tell you're no more inclined to think about it than I am. There's time for that later. Now there's just the two of us. Only you and me. Heaven knows when we'll have this chance again to just be together, to pretend for just one fleeting instant in time that we are together.

The handlink in my pocket makes a squeaking noise, but we both ignore Ziggy's cry for attention. We know why you're here, to prevent the celebrating party from being snowed in at this remote mountain cabin, but until their arrival tomorrow, there's nothing we can do, just wait and pretend.

Pretend that it's just you and me, together the way we used to be before all of this, before we weren't torn apart by loneliness and pain. And still not all of it has been horror and torment. There have been times when I had a blast, when leaping opened up a new side of you that I had never seen before. I'd always known your generous, kind, giving nature, but now I also discovered how brave, strong , courageous and resourceful you are. Some of the things you showed me in these last few years I'll carry with me to the grave, making me love you even more. And despite all the heartache it's cost me, I know I would never want to have missed this.

The fire is dying, my lamp is growing dim
Shades of night are lifting
Morning light steals across my windowpane
Where webs of snow are drifting

Snow is still falling relentlessly as the sun slowly peaks across the horizon. I can't remember the last time we spent the night like this, sitting together, not even touching, just quietly enjoying each other's company, no need for words. No need for anything, except to hear each other's breath, to feel each other's body heat. I smile resignedly at that last thought. We're not even allowed that comfort any more.

"Al?"

You finally break the silence by speaking my name hesitantly, the look in your eyes as wary as your voice. And yet both manage to make my heart skip a beat. Oh Sam, are you even aware of the love shining in those eyes of yours? Are mine as telling? Am I as transparent?

A blinding smile appears on your face, even though I don't utter a word in reply. Apparently I am.

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter's night with you

We're interrupted by noise from outside, the arrival of a car and the sound of loud, laughing voices shattering the silence. The next moment the door bursts open and the room seems to explode with people. After the night of just you and me it's making me almost claustrophobic, even though I'm not even present and there's only four of them.

A guy wrapped in a thick jacket, blond spiky hair just peeping out of the woollen shawl wrapped tightly across his face, followed by a dark-haired woman in a blue coat catch my eye first. Then a shorter, thinner woman with a cocky smile but a shy look about her makes her entrance, this one accompanied by a man in the same blue coat as the first woman. They're all grinning like it's going out of style, their exuberant mood somehow transmitting itself to the two of us, grins equally as goofy appearing on our own faces.

"Merry Christmas, Fraser!" they call out in chorus, the skinny guy unwrapping the shawl across his face to reveal a toothy, endearing smile.

"We've brought you a surprise, Benton buddy," he says, and if on cue he and the woman take one step sideways, revealing a tall man standing behind them, green eyes shimmering with so much love that I immediately interpret the message behind them. It's the same look you always direct at me, eve though perhaps you're not even aware of it. Or maybe you are, but are as afraid to voice the words as I am ,as long as we're in this limbo.

"Hey Frasier!"

The new guy looks at you shyly, clearly not really sure what to expect from you. I'm kinda curious myself, watching you closely. It seems you too understand what his eyes are telling you, because a radiant smile bursts out all over your face and your eyes momentarily flick back towards me.

"Good to see you too, Ray," you reply at my prompting and I make sure that I'm positioned somewhere close to Ray. Your smile is intended for me, I can tell by the lights in your eyes, but it works wonders on the man who thinks it's meant for him. The next moment you're holding him in your arms and he's slapping your back affectionately.

"Merry Christmas, Benny," he whispers, his voice choked up, his head practically on your shoulder. "I missed you so."

"Me too," you reply, but your eyes are fixed on a spot over his shoulder, a spot I'm occupying. I'm trembling, so intense is the message you're sending me and I can't tear my eyes away from yours. Everybody in the room could evaporate into thin air and neither of us would notice. Just like last night it's just you and me again.

The man in your arms sighs deeply and you look down for an instant, frowning as if you don't really have any idea what he's doing there. Then you smile again, and locking your eyes with mine, you press a tender, chaste kiss to his temple, the gesture making both Ray and myself tremble with longing.

"Merry Christmas, love," you whisper, your eyes never leaving mine and my heart stops.

You've said it! Why should it still surprise me? Once more you are more courageous than I am, able to say the word I've been trying to keep inside for so long. I can feel wetness on my face and with a slightly trembling hand I wipe away stunned tears. Do you see how you can still reduce me to a blubbering old idiot?

*Merry Christmas, my love.*

Again I'm too much of a coward to actually say the words. Again I can only show you the only way I know how, the way I've done it for the last five years. Through my eyes. Through everything I do for you. Through every single second of my life that I live only for you.

"I love you," Ray whispers, close to your ear, obviously less afraid and less of a coward than I am. Maybe it doesn't matter, because your eyes are still not on him, still focused on me.

"I know," you reply, your eyes telling me whom that message is meant for. Is it enough? It will have to be. For now. Until the day I can tell you. In person.

And to be once again with you…….

THE END

Song For A Winter's Night
Music and Lyrics by Gordon Lightfoot
As sung by Sarah McLachlan

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Couldn't resist the last part. Especially not after the sh**ty way that series ended. And because I still think it's a Benny/Ray song too!!