Mijn hart schreeuwt om jou
Ik droom maar ik hou mijn mond dicht
Ik wacht op jou
En speel dat ik leef
Maar zet de klok stil tot jij komt
De tijd stil tot jij komt
En weet dat het zo niet langer kan
Hiya kiddo,
I don't really know why I'm writing you this letter. Heaven knows I won't ever be able to send it to you. Besides, what's really the use of sending you letters when I can see you almost every day. But there are some things that need to be said, things I could never tell you in person. Things I can never reveal to you before you come home again.
I love you, kid. Don't you ever forget that. No matter how distracted I may seem sometimes, no matter how many stories I throw your way, there's nothing - and I do mean nothing - in this entire world that means more to me than you do. I'd give my life for you, you know that, don't you? I know I'm hurting you sometimes with my overblown stories, but I can't tell you the truth of what's going on around here! You need to keep your mind on your leaps, I can't bother you with my problems. So leave all of that to the Admiral and I'll take your abuse on to. 'Cause I'd rather have you chewing me out than have you worrying over me. I do enough of that for the both of us.
God, I miss you so much, Sammy. I miss your arms around me in the night. I'd feel so safe and protected in your arms, luxurating in your love and knowing that nothing on earth could possibly touch me, as long as I had your love. You know, sometimes when I couldn't sleep, I would lie awake and watch you sleeping. And I couldn't believe my luck. By what miracle was it possible that someone as wonderful as you could be mine. And I feared only one thing, that someday I might lose you. I've lost so many people in my life already, my parents, my sister, my Beth... Somehow I always managed to pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again. But I knew then that if I'd ever lose you, I wouldn't want to start all over again. I'd just want to curl up and die.
You deserve a royal kick in the butt, Sam. How could you desert me like that, without even a word of farewell? Didn't you know that I'd never let those nozzles take your project away from you? Why didn't you have more faith in me? I'd returned from that fundraising party with enough blanco cheques in my pocket to last us a lifetime! That's why I was so happy on the phone! I should have told you then, I know, but I wanted to keep it a surprise. I wanted to see your face when you heard the good news. I wanted you to take me in your arms and spin me around from sheer happiness! But I never got to give you the good news! My god, you have no idea how many times I've cursed myself for not telling you on the phone. How could I have been so stupid? But truly Sam, the last thing I'd ever have suspected was that you would leap out on me behind my back. How could you, you bastard?! How could you break my heart like that?
I was so sure that I'd lost you for good. If the Accelerator had killed you, I swear I'd have been close behind. Why would I even want to live without you? But you weren't dead, just trapped in the past, with your entire memory magnafoozled. And not only did you stab me in the back, but you twisted the knife around a few times as well. Do you have any idea how I felt when you looked into my eyes and told me you didn't know who I was? God, that hurt! I hope you'll never know that kinda pain in your life. But I learned to accept it. I learned to accept that I was nothing but a hologram to you, nothing but a close friend. That's all you remembered about me. How I longed to tell you of our once-in-a-lifetime love, but I couldn't. It would have destroyed you, just like it's slowly destroying me.
And then came that faithful leap into Donna's life. She's here, kid! You did it! You changed your own past and now you're married to her. Ain't that a kick in the butt? She doesn't have any memory of the previous timeline, nor does anyone else at the Project. To them this is how it's always been. I'm just your good buddy Al. I'm not your lover, not the man who loves you desperately and whose heart is breaking every time you look into my eyes. And you don't remember. I want you back, goddammit! But even when you do make it home, you'll be coming home to her, not me. And I want to crawl into a corner and die...
Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch Tina sleeping. That's right, Sam, the same Tina who was married to Gushie in the old timeline is now my girlfriend. Go figure! And I think of all those times when I used to watch you sleeping. Me, Al Calavicci, ladies-man extra-ordinaire found your tautly muscled male body the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It used to take my very breath away. Now I watch Tina and I wonder... Does Donna lie there awake at night and think of you too? Does she remember those nights when you would hold her in your arms, just like I do? Does she think of those green eyes darkening with passion for her, just like I do? God, this is confusing. Are you hers or are you mine?
What can I do? I have a wonderful woman, whom I don't deserve. She's loving and devestatingly beautiful... and I can't get you outta my mind. Tina knows how I feel about you. She told me she'd suspected for a long time that I was in love with you. She'd had no idea of course that this wasn't something new, that I'd not only been in love with you in that other timeline, but that you had been in love with me too. So I told her the truth, everything. That surprised her even more, especially the part about her being married to Gushie, as you can well imagine. Then she reluctantly confessed to me that she'd been having an affair with Gushie for the last few months. Can you believe that? Just goes to show, some things are just meant to be, no matter how much you may temper with fate. So I told her to go to Gushie, be with the person she loves, but she refuses. I told her I'd only be using her, but she sticks to me like glue. She will keep taking care of me until you come home. I don't deserve her, you know. But I do love her.
Do you ever think of me back there in time? When you make love to your Tamlyn, our Abigail - my god, you should see Sammy Jo, you'd be so proud of her - your Nicole, have you ever called out my name and wondered? Do you ever think of me in your arms? Do you ever remember that you used to say you loved me? Will I ever have that back again?
Those are hard questions. Questions which I can't answer yet, and maybe I never will. But one thing is so clear it overrides any other memory in this noggin' of mine. I love you. And I beg of you, please come home soon...
Ik zeg het je niet
Zolang we samen zijn
Maar deze vrije jongen
Heeft één groot geheim
Sam came home last night.
I'd say how that makes me feel, if I could somehow find the words to describe it.
The first thing I was aware of was this huge weight falling from my shoulders; a weight I myself hadn't even been conscious I was carrying. I know it sounds corny, but as long as Sam was leaping, I never considered his needs as a burden, much like that song, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother".
And then they brought him out of the Accelerator Chamber...
I just stood there, staring across the few meters that were still seperating us, while he just stood there staring at me. It was like we were frozen in time, both too overcome by our emotions to make those necessarys steps towards each other.
Never in my life had I seen a more beautiful sight than Sam standing there on the other side of the Control Room, his eyes fixed on mine. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, almost as if I was afraid that this was just a dream and if I dared to make the slightest gesture, I would wake up.
"Al?"
The whisper of my name that escaped his lips was so soft I hardly heard it. But it convinced me that this was real enough. What happened then I barely remember but somehow I made a leap and he caught me and those strong arms were clutching me to him with the same desperation I felt. I wanted to completely dissolve into that embrace and never let go again!
I don't know how long we stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, but I wanted it to go on forever. I wanted to crawl inside of him and never come out again! No woman has ever had that effect on me, not even - or maybe especially not - Beth. Got, what this man could do to me. I wanted to pull his head down and kiss those delicious lips until we were both breathless and if it hadn't been for our adience, I wold have done it too, no matter what the timeline or how much of our past together he remembered. For five years I had watched him endanger his own life for total strangers, unable to render any physical help or consolation, only capable of assisting him with moral support, always painfully aware of our only being holograms to each other. And now finally I was holding him in my arms, feeling his wonderfully sold flesh against mine and all I could think of was showing this man how much he meant to me.
Then suddenly I was aware of his hold on me getting looser. Before I could wonder what had caused it, he let out a strangled sob and almost crushed my ribs as he pulled me closer with even more desperation than before. Maybe it was just wishful thinking but my immediate thought was, He remembers. Oh please, Sammy, remember all of me and what we had together
"Sam!"
We'd been so wrapped up in each other that we'd never even heard the door to the Control Room opening and the woman now standing in the doorway come in. Her very voice sent me crashing back to earth, reminding me just in time of the new situation. I never bothered to let go of Sam - how could I possibly let go after five years? - but I could feel him staring at her over my shoulder. I was literally holding my breath, wondering what on earth was going through my boy's mind, when I felt his entire body freeze up against mine. He freed himself from my embrace and stared at me. For the first time in my entire life I had no idea what that look meant. Hurt for not telling him about her? Shock at her being here at all? Bewilderment? What?!
"Donna?" he asked quietly, his eyes never leaving my face.
I couldn't bear to look at him. One look in my eyes and he'd read the entire story. With Donna there I couldn't let that happen. Before I had the chance to do anything Donna shoved me aside and flung herself in his arms, crying and sobbing his name over and over again. But instead of looking at her, he was still staring at me over her shoulder, his eyes round and bewildered. And was it my imagination or was his hold on her not half as strong as his hold on me had been? And then she did what I had dreamed of doing. She pulled his head down and crushed his lips to hers. An unnoticeable moment of hesitation - unnoticeable to anyone but me - and then he literally devoured her lips with his.
I had to swallow and force myself to smile. After all, this was the natural course of events in this new timeline. Then I noticed a touch on my arm and when I looked up I saw Tina standing there, a look of incredible understanding on her face. She knew what this was doing to me. I put my hand on hers for a moment and pressed it softly, making her understand that I knew what she was trying to say and how much I appreciated it.
So this was it! He remembered Donna as the love of his life, not me. It was killing me inside, but I decided at that moment that the secret of that other timeline would go to the grave with me. I loved him more than I could say, but this was to be the last time I'd ever admit it to myself again.
She finally let go of him, finally giving Sam the chance to reacquaint himself with the others. While Donna was still holding his hand, laughing and crying at the same time, Sam hugged Gushie, Tina and Verbena and even found a word of greeting for Ziggy. Verbena immediately announced that she wanted Sam at the Med Center to give him a full examination and Donna practically dragged him out of the Control Room. I need to be alone for a moment and had decided to return to the Imaging Chamber the moment they had left, so I was the only one still in the room when Sam and Donna walked through the door. At that exact instant he turned around and my heart stopped when he mouthed three words to me : "I love you." Was I imaging things or did he put emphasis on the word you? The look on his face was so lost and sad that I didn't even hesitate for a fraction of a second. Everything I was feeling was there in my eyes for the entire world to read when I mouthed the same words back to him. His face lit up as if by magic, and the love and radiance from those eyes made my legs turn to jelly. There was also something else in those eyes, something that immediately registered much lower than my heart and made my mouth go dry in anticipation. His eyes were saying : We have unfinished business. And I couldn't agree more.
I'm waiting in my quarters now, knowing without a single doubt that he'll come. I don't know when or how he'll sneak out from under Donna's ever watchful eye, but I know he'll come. And then he'll be mine. Finally.
I hear the door opening and closing. He's standing there, his face totally incapable of hiding the truth of his feelings. I walk towards him in a trance, his arms go around me, his lips find mine...
Thank you, dear lord. I've finally come home...
The end.