My friend Alex posted the following in his online journal this week...
"...The diamonds, on the other hand, are not bad in and of themselves, but they're difficult to acquire and worth so much that there are thousands of people in virtual slavery killed every year in the process of collecting them. So, again, I have a moral problem with this, and again because it's strictly cosmetic. Diamonds for scientific purposes are fine. So I'm worried about when it comes time for me to get engaged, because I don't think I can feel right buying a diamond, but I also don't think there are many girls who would be O.K. with not getting a diamond. So I don't push the issue...."
And I need to rant...
Well, I don't NEED to... But I'm going to anyway.
So there aren't many girls out there who would be okay with not getting a diamond, huh?
Now, this may or may not be true. I tend to think that Alex is at least partially right, at least based on the number of women out there who HAVE diamond engagement rings. I don't really question the accuracy of what Alex has written. He's probably totally right. My problem is that THAT'S FUCKED UP.
Now, first, what use is a diamond, anyway? Or, for that matter, any expensive jewelry?
You can't roll a pie crust with a diamond. (Although a two-liter bottle filled with water does the trick nicely...)
You can't wash your underwear with a diamond.
You can't use a diamond to start your car if you've left the headlights on all night and your battery is fucked.
You can't do anything much with a piece of diamond jewelry, really. I mean, unless you pawn it and use the money for something a bit more functional.
Okay, so now I'm implying that diamonds are stupid because they're useless. No, that's not quite it, not really. There are many useless things in the world that aren't stupid. Decorative fountains, for example, serve very little purpose, but they're not stupid. Why? Because they're pretty, and they're fun. And on hot days, you can splash in them, and that IS sort of useful. Beauty can give worth to the otherwise useless. At least, I think so.
Now, it's not that diamonds aren't beautiful. But they're not anything especially unique. They're clear sparkling rocks. Cubic zirconium is a clear sparkling rock, though. Shit, glass is pretty much the same as a clear sparkling rock. If you haven't got specialized knowledge of how to tell the difference between a diamond and a cubic zirconium -- or a piece of glass -- you'd never know a difference other than the price tag. And unless you're a freaking geologist or something, there's really no particular reason for anybody to have that knowledge. Nice to know, I suppose, the difference between a piece of glass and a diamond, but when it comes down to it, who really gives a shit?
Not me.
Personally, I think diamonds -- and cubic zirconiums -- are somewhat unattractive. I mean, it seems like EVERYBODY has one. Just as EVERYBODY seems to have a tattoo of a butterfly. And everybody seems to have a plain black t'shirt. These things are unattractive to me simply based on their commonness. They're everywhere, and so they're boring. Sure, diamonds might be amazingly rare, but most married (and engaged) women in the United States wear one on their ring fingers, so they ARE pretty common, really...
So, basically, it comes down to the matter of the price tag. This is the second part of my rant...
I have never understood the stereotypical "will-you-marry-me?" scene -- with the man down on one knee with a tiny little jewelry case. Apparently, it happens all the time, and women all over the place fall for that crap. To me, it seems symbolic of a man trying to purchase a woman's love. Or of a man trying to prove his worthiness by demonstrating his riches. Or of a man trying to prove that he loves a woman by being willing to part with his riches. None of this particularly appeals to me.
Apparently, the love of most women can be purchased. Like it says in the song: "Girls don't like boys; girls like cars and money..." That song pisses me off to no end. Mostly because I'm NOT one of those girls, and I resent the overgeneralization. Also because I know damn well that in many -- if not most -- cases, it's true. Girls don't like boys. They like cars and money and diamonds. Girls like that -- and boys like that -- make me sick.
What makes a man worth marrying? His riches? Money? A good job? Fuck that. The measure of a man is not his ability to financially "take care" of me. This isn't the stone ages, and it's not the fifties, either; women don't NEED men to take care of them. My gahd, are there seriously women out there who would marry some dumb schmuck who treated them like shit, just because he'd offered the bigger diamond and the better pension plan?
Is this the only way to "prove" one's love for a woman? By showing her that you've got money and you're willing to sacrifice it in order to put a useless rock on her finger for her enjoyment?
Fuck that. Just fuck that.
Neil did not give me a diamond when we decided to get married. If he had, I would have been sort of pissed. Neil, of all people, ought to know me better than that. I don't like uselessness unless it's beautiful. And I don't usually think things are beautiful unless there's something kind of uncommon about them. Neil, I'm pretty sure, knows this. Neil also knows that, while my liking for boys as a group may be questionable, I like HIM a hell of a lot more than cars or money. There is no comparing my love for Neil with any desire I've ever had for any material object.
I tried telling this to Neil the other night, but I was tired and my rant didn't go very far. I sort of rolled my eyes at the idea of diamonds. I said:
"Shit, darling, I don't need a damned diamond. What the fuck would I do with a diamond? I'd lose it when I made hamburgers or something."
"And that wouldn't feel good at all," replied Neil. "Either time."
"Yuck!" I agreed, thinking of diapers. I went on: "I mean, hell, I don't give a shit about diamonds or expensive jewelry or any of that. If the love isn't the most important part of the marriage, it's not really a marriage."
(Well, I said something like that. I hope it was as eloquent as that. In any case, Neil agreed.)
I said: "Hell, you could make me a cheese sandwich, and I'd be perfectly delighted."
Neil laughed. And I stopped and thought. I had a mental image of Neil, on one knee, offering me a cheese sandwich. And for some reason, it was much more appealing than an image of Neil on one knee with a diamond. Although I still didn't so much like the bent knee thing. That's a bit too archaic for my tastes.
A cheese sandwich.
If a cheese sandwich isn't proof of someone's love, I don't know what the hell is.
Neil has never, to my memory, made me a cheese sandwich. He has, however, done the following:
...taken me out dumpster-diving, and given me lots of lovely things he's found there...
...warmed my feet when they're cold...
...brought me tea, coffee, soda, orange juice, etc., just because, without being asked...
...sold his video games to a pawn shop for the purpose of purchasing me a pack of cigarettes, just because he wanted to do something nice for me...
...taught me to waltz and didn't give up or get pissed when I messed up repeatedly...
...used his food stamps to buy me a package of prosciutto, which is a ridiculously expensive kind of ham that I adore -- even though I was intent on buying it myself...
...told me I was beautiful when I was standing grumpily in the kitchen one morning, with my hair sticking up in all directions, feeling gross and ugly and utterly unattractive -- and he actually MEANT it...
...listened to any of a number of rambling tales that he may or may not have heard a hundred times before. And usually with rapt attention.
...offered me the last pieces of bacon even when he probably REALLY wanted them...
...saved me some orange juice...
...thanked me for any of a number of simple things that nearly everyone else has always taken for granted...
...whispered sweet nothings to me when he thought I was completely asleep and couldn't hear him -- a few times, I've heard...
...held my hand and talked me through labor, which was probably much more difficult on an emotional level than actually being IN labor...
...hugged me when I freaked out and cried over [insert stupid, mostly unimportant incident here] because I was exhausted and cranky and neurotic... And never got outwardly impatient about it.
...laughed at me for any of a number of my eccentricities and shortcomings, and invited me to do the same without making me feel bad...
...kissed me just because...
...gone all the way to Olympia with me even though he hates busses.
...gone to the store with me even when he's doing something that's probably a lot more fascinating...
...showed me how to put the thermometer in the turkey, even though he hates touching raw poultry.
...gotten lonely in recent days when I'm asleep and he's awake on baby-duty, and sat at the bedside talking to me because he wished for my company. This drives me crazy, but it's still sweet.
...carried heavy things for me even though I could have done it, just because he knew I didn't really WANT to do it.
...allowed me to carry heavy things instead of treating me like glass, when he knew I wanted to be all macho.
...written me love notes on the grocery list...
...looked at me with an expression of real pleasure to be sharing my company, an expression of genuine devotion, an expression of absolute affection... And maintains all of these things ALL the time...
........and a lot of other things, too.
There are women who would sacrifice some of these things -- maybe even ALL of these things -- for diamonds and cars and money.
I am NOT one of them.
The man I'm going to marry loves me. And spends most of his life proving it to me without spending a cent. There is no need for diamonds. There is no need for any such thing. I don't WANT anything of the sort. I've got everything I could ever want from Neil, and PLENTY of it.
Alex, I'm dead serious about this... If you find a girl you want to marry, make her a cheese sandwich. And say, "[Girl's name], I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and would be honored if you would marry me. But I didn't buy you a diamond. Instead, I brought you a cheese sandwich. I made it myself with the best cheese I have and the best bread I could find, and I put it on my favorite plate."
If the girl still wants a diamond, she's not good enough for you, and you should keep looking.
Seriously.
Okay, I'm done ranting. Bean is laughing in her sleep. She's been doing it for about three hours now -- just giving this intermittent giggle. It's so adorable I think I'm going to cry.
Goodnight, world. May your sleep be filled with laughter.
(Blah. Diamonds aren't forever if you run them down with a steamroller...)
(But I'm pretty sure love is...)
(I'd rather not test it though... I like Neil in 3-D.)
(Just sayin'...)
~Helena*