So, you'd like to try your hand at writing a song for your teen dream sensations NSYNC to sing? Have a ditty that you think would sound great sung by JC, while Justin thrusts along to the lyrics and Joey stands around looking lost?
Well, we're here to help you along your way.
First off, there is NO real training that must go into being able to be a songwriter. Not everyone can be Dianne Warren - just look at JC! Haven't graduated from High School? Who cares! Justin just did that this year! Can't spell, write, or read? Who cares! Joey can't either, and look where he is! All you need is an idea, and we can help you with the rest.
Here's what you need to do:
First, gather up your materials. We suggest:
Pencils
Pens
Paper
A computer
A picture of JC - find one that won't scare you if you must stare at it for a long time. Preferably, his mouth should be closed.
Any music that you will find inspirational. We use the first NSYNC CD, and put "I Need Love" on repeat.
Next, find a quiet space to do your writing in. If a quiet space is not available, find the nearest plane. After you get settled, set up the picture of JC where you can refer to it easily. This will come in handy once you begin the songwriting process.
THE 17 SONGWRITING RULES and GUIDELINES
Before you begin writing, there are many rules that you must keep in mind for your song. Following these simple steps will make the entire process much easier. Be sure to print them out for easy reference.
The rules marked by an asterisk (*) are essential, but the rest do not have to be included in a single song. It is recommended that you incorporate as many elements in your song as you can, however. Then you will have a better chance of the song making it onto the CD, instead of a remake of a semi-popular 80's pop tune or a song written by one of the members when he was clearly under the influence of narcotics.
*1. Your song must include the following words:
Baby and/or Babe
Girl (These can also be combined)
Lady
Woman
Crazy
Love
Heart
Fine
Sweet
Sexy
Lovely
Beautiful
Angel
Soul
*2. There must be a place in the song where members will harmonize, therefore asserting the fact that they can, in fact, harmonize. Use vowel sounds like "Ah", "Ooh", "Oh", "Doh", or "Dum". Use Homer Simpson for reference.
3. You should have a place in the song where JC can show off his voice. He also must assert the fact that he can sing. To do this, add in extra things at the end of lines, like "whoa", "yeah", or any of the words in #1. Also, the vowel sounds in #2 will work.
4. Justin should also have his own part to show off. However, it should be shorter then JC's, and not have as much meaning.
5. When writing, make sure that you indicate where there is a pause between lines. There must be a pause, so in a concert setting, members can ad "decoration" to the song.
Examples:
"I don't understand, I don't understand"
"Baby baby baby c'mon, uh!"
"Put your hands up!".
"What we gon do right here, is we gone smooth it out.. WHAT!"
"Give it to em Joey!"
At the pause, Justin can also say "Hahaha" or "WHAT"
6. You should have a part in your song where Lance speaks. Preferably, the line should have one or more of the words from Rule #1 in it. It should also be incredibly trite. However, do not overuse a Lance speaking part. This is to prevent him from getting too popular with fans.
7. If you can't use Lance, try Justin or JC instead.
Addendum to #7 - Never, I repeat, NEVER use Chris. This will cause arguements among younger fans on "Who the girl is that talks in Track 5"
8. Remember, all grammar rules do not apply for songwriting. "Ain't", "ya'll", and double negatives are actually smiled upon in the music world. Things like "Done done it again" and "Ain't no lie" are perfectly acceptable.
9. Remember, using "'chu" instead of "you" will sound much better with words like "true". Also, "wit" instead of "with" rhymes better with "him".
10. Can't think of a powerful line that will rhyme with one before it? Don't worry! Simply make up a lyric that doesn't quite make sense, and be sure to indicate that Justin is to sing the line. People won't even notice, and it will start a new slang for teenyboppers worldwide.
11. Sex is okay in your song, in fact, and it is sure to get your work noticed. But remember, the core audience is young girls, so make sure that your lyrics are quite vague. That way, in interviews, the guys can state that the song is not about sex, and can say it is about something different, like a chatroom or riding a horse.
12. If you are writing a ballad, make sure to repeat the most moving lines twice or more.
Addendum to #12 - It is also recommended to use "you" a lot in a ballad. That way at a concert, NSYNC members can point at fans in the audience.
13. If you are writing a faster song, add words like "chillin", "hater", "whack", "ride", "crunk", or "trippin".
14. Also, to spice up a fast song, add in hip sayings. We recommend:
"Raise the roof"
"Freaky Deaky"
"It's gravy baby"
*15. The word "yeah" must appear at least once in the song.
16. Be sure to keep your lyrics simple so they can be learned quickly. This will benefit both Joey and the fans, who can then easily sing along when asked to at concerts.
17. The title of the song should be at least three words long. This way, fans can shorten it into an indistinguishable acronym that others must spend about five minutes decoding, or repear the same word so they can make it an exponent.
EXAMPLES:
Bye³
GMHSALMTOY
FTGWHE
IGBM
THE WRITING PROCESS
You are ready to write! With all these rules and guidelines fresh in your mind, you are prepped and primed to write your first #1 smash!
Pick up your pen, pencil, or start typing your lyrics out on the computer. Make sure to follow our handy guidelines and rules!
If you are having problems writing, just use your JC picture as inspiration. Say things to it like "How do YOU do it, Spazzmaster J?" or "JC, for the love of Jerome, I need some help here!"
Do not get discouraged! Not everyone can write a "Space Cowboy (Yippie-Yi-Yay)" on his or her first try. All you can do is try your best.
ALL FINISHED!
You've done it! Your first song is ready to be sent out to Jive Records, home of such respected and distinguished groups like Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, Aaron Carter, and of course, NSYNC!
Print out a few hundred copies of your song, preferably on eye-catching paper. We suggest fluorescent pink or orange.
Make sure you have a stack of envelopes and stamps handy.
Mail out copies to your song to anyone, anybody, or anything that is involved with Jive Records or NSYNC.
*For Jive Records, we suggest executives, secretaries, cafeteria workers, and janitors. After all, they see NSYNC, and can give the songs to them as they see them in a hallway or bathroom.
*For NSYNC, we suggest group members, Johnny Wright, band members, crew members, groupies, members of Innosense, and family members (especially Steve Fatone), and people from Brooklyn.
Pop them in the mailbox and wait for the replies to roll in!
However, if you do not hear back after 6 weeks, you can either assume:
A) Your song was awful.
B) No one saw it.
Always assume the latter. In this case, you must fly yourself directly to Orlando. Arm yourself with as many copies of your song as you can afford to make. Use the same eye-catching paper as before.
Once you arrive there, head immediately to spots where you may run into NSYNC, or someone who knows them. Hand copies of your song to everyone who passes by.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Never give out a copy to a large, balding man who claims to be "Uncle Lou"!
We suggest:
Jive Studios
Disney World
Universal Studios
International Drive
Pleasure Island
Any club with hot girls outside
Planet Hollywood, Ale House, Hard Rock Café, etc.
Orlando International Airport
If you feel that this will get the job done, head back home and wait for responses. However, if you are unsure, there is one final step to take.
Find the nearest Hertz and rent a car.
Using Nancy Drew skills, ask around Orlando for where any members on NSYNC live. Also, find out where Lynn Harless lives.
(NOTE: If you go to the Harless household, you are legally bound to accept a position in Innosense.)
Travel to their homes, and park just a bit down the street. Be sure to have on dark sunglasses and a hat.
If approached by security, tell them you are not leaving until you speak to ____. (member of the group who owns the house.)
If all else fails, give the copy of the song to the security guard, and ask him to please deliver it to _____.
(NOTE: If police are called, run like hell! But be sure to leave a few copies of the song behind, just in case. Something like that is bound to get your work noticed.)
THE END RESULT
The hard work that you put into writing your very first NSYNC song will never be wasted. Here is our three possible end results.
A) Your song makes it back to NSYNC producers, and they are recording it for their new album as we speak!
B) Your song makes it back to NSYNC producers, who feel it would be better suited for one of the other acts. What an honor - Britney Spears will be singing your song on her next album!
C) Your song makes it back to NSYNC producers, and they send you a letter back, thanking you for your effort, but they think that your talent is useful elsewhere. In other words, your song sucked, and just be glad that we didn't tell you what the members of NSYNC said about it when they read it.
In the case of C, please go back and reread all previous steps! And don't give up! After all, look at "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." It took BOTH JC and Justin to come up with a song like that.
Happy Writing!
Idiot's Guide is not to be held responsible for those readers who find themselves in legal trouble.