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Heard any good ones lately? Send them to me and I will be happy to include them on this page. Please keep them somewhat clean (ie. no graphic content or offensive words like #$@%&#@).E-mail me
After spending the night at Grandma's; Timmy decided to surprise her by making coffee. While drinking it, Grandma noticed little green, plastic army men in the bottom of her cup. She asked Timmy why, and he replied, "Like they say on TV, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
Jokes Jokes
Little Johnny showed up late for school one morning, and his teacher demanned to know why. "Well," explained Johnny "I had to take our registered bull to the neighbors to breed their cow." "Couldn't your father have done that", she exclaimed. "I suppose he could have",said Johnny. "But I don't think he's registered."
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A: Last year's hide-&-seek champion. Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial inteligence.Q:If a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, santa claus, and the easter bunny were in a room together, and there was a $100 bill on the floor; who would pick it up?A:The dumb blonde.---Why?---Because there's no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart blonde.
Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial inteligence.
Q:If a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, santa claus, and the easter bunny were in a room together, and there was a $100 bill on the floor; who would pick it up?A:The dumb blonde.---Why?---Because there's no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart blonde.
This one will probably only be funny to AA members; but here it is anyway. This women was having problems with her sex life, and being newly sober, talked to her sponsor about it. She was told to go home and read page 69 in the 'big book. Once home, she forgot the page number, and read 96 instead.Now read the first paragraph of page 96 in your big book.
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A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed. "You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."
A Deaf guy decided he wanted to learn to play golf so he went out and bought clothes and clubs and books and studied very hard. After practicing for a long time in his back yard he decided it was time to check out the local golf course. So taking a little notebook he explained (as best he could) his predicament and asked for help. For over 3 hrs everybody who went out to golf was approached with the notebook. But nobody would help the poor guy out. Finally he went to the manager of the golf course and asked for help and the manager told him to keep his head down and he would do fine. So he headed out. On the first hole he did terrible. On the second he did a little better and by the time he was at the 5th hole he was doing good. And he was making good time too, much better then the others who were in large groups. On the 8th hole he felt really good and hit the ball with all his might. Unfortunatly there was another golfer who walked right into the flight path of the deaf golfers ball and was stuck in the back of the head. BOOM! The other golfer was hit and fell face down on the turf dead as a doornail. The police were summoned and the poor deaf golfer explained what happened as best he could. Finally after going around and around the cop asked the deaf golfer if he had warned the other golfers that he was about to hit the ball? The deaf golfer shook his head "yes" and pulled out his little notebook and there on the front page was the number 4 written as big as could be!
I went to a bookstore today and asked the managerwhere the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose."
A magician was driving home late one night and was very tired. He started weaving in his lane and a trooper pulled him over. As the trooper walked past the car he shone his flashlight into the backseat area and saw 3 huge machetes laying on the seat. The trooper asked the magician what the machetes were for. He told the trooper he juggled them and the trooper didn't believe him. So the magician got out, pulled out the machetes and proceeded to juggle them on the side of the road. A recently sober alcoholic came upon the scene of the magician and the trooper. And he could barely believe what he saw! Upon arriving home his wife noticed that something was very much wrong she asked him about it. He replied "I am so glad I quit drinking when I did. You would not believe the roadside sobriety test they have now!"
God made Adam. After a period of time, God came to Adam and said, "I can give you a mate who will be pleasing to look upon. She will cook and clean for you, and take care of your children. And she will also fulfill your sexual needs." "What will this cost me," asked Adam. The Lord replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history...
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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