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Gay and
lesbian teenagers suffer the most due to a culture
and society assuming everybody to be heterosexual
which leaves most of them feeling isolated, alone
and confused. The negative views society has of
homosexuality and the intolerance that is a part of
it places them at greater risk for suicide, drug
abuse, and sexually transmitted diseases. The
statistics for teenage runaways and suicides are
alarming. U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services 1989 Report of the Secretary's Task Force
on Youth Suicide says, Gay and lesbian teens are
two to three times more likely to attempt suicide
than their heterosexual peers and account for up to
30% of all completed suicides among teens; In 1989,
suicide was the leading cause of death among gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth. G.
Remafedi, author of "Male Homosexuality: The
Adolescent's Perspective." Says, 50% of lesbian and
gay youth report parental rejection because of
their sexual orientation. Adolescents are dying
because their parents are turning their heads to a
subject they would rather not talk about but that
could take the life of someone they say they love
so much.
Being a
closeted homosexual is scary, nerve-wracking, and
it feels as if the weight of the world is carried
upon one's shoulders. The isolation that gay teens
and lesbians deal with not to mention the fear of
people finding out and the name-calling and threat
of physical violence if others do find out. The
threat of parents, family, friends, and the church
knowing and the fear of being forced out of the
only home they have ever known. A 1991 Streetwork
Project Study showed that 42% of homeless youth
identify as gay or lesbian and the National Gay and
Lesbian Task Force also reported that 26% of gay
and lesbian youth are forced to leave home because
of conflict with family members about their sexual
orientation.
When
coming out to parents, teens may find that their
parent-child roles reverse for a while. Parents
will hopefully learn from the son or daughter's
experience. Allowing them time and space will give
them time to work through and process the news.
Most families will take this as the lost-- similar
to a death-- of the son or daughter they always
thought they knew.
In the
Hetrick-Martin Institute report of 1992, 80% of gay
and lesbian teens experience feelings of severe
isolation. They experience social isolation (having
no one to talk to), emotional isolation (distance
from family and peers because of their sexual
identity), and cognitive isolation (lack of access
to safe and positive information about sexual
orientation and homosexuality). Another alarming
not mention sad statistic comes from The national
Gay and Lesbian Task Force, on Anti-Gay/Lesbian
Victimization, in that 45% of gay males, and 20% of
lesbians experience physical or verbal assault
while in high school, and 28% of these teenagers
feel forced to drop out of school because of
harassment about their sexual
orientation.
Parents
go through stages when their teen comes out to
them, there are several different stages all
typical of most parents dealing with their teen's
homosexuality. The first one is SHOCK. If they have
no idea about what you are about to tell them. The
time frame on how long it lasts is may ten minutes
to a week or maybe a little longer but it normally
wears off in a few days. Reaffirming your love for
them could help a lot. Also reminding them that you
are the same person today that you were yesterday
may also help them to deal with it a little easier
or take the worry off their minds that somehow you
are this completely different person and that they
never really knew you. Some parents may already
know and have for quite some time, if this is the
case they have had time to process it and work
through some stages of it on their
own.
The
second stage is DENIAL and it shields a person from
a threatening or painful message, the difference
between this and shock is that it indicates that
the person has heard it, knows it, and is trying to
build a defense mechanism to ward it off and not
deal with it. This takes shape in many forms:
hostility ("No son of mine is going to be gay."),
non-registering ("That's nice honey, how was school
today?"), non-caring ("If you choose to be that
way, I do not want to hear or know about it."), or
rejection ("It's just a phase, you grow out of
it.")
Your
homosexual orientation will be distorted by the
messages they received either in their times of
growing up or from our homophobic society. The
third stage is GUILT. They somehow feel they have
failed as parents. They continually ask the
question, "What did I do wrong?" For mothers, they
may think that they hovered over their son too much
or did not give their daughter the love she
deserved. For fathers, they feel that they did not
spend as much time with their son as they should
have and they examine their own masculinity or they
pushed their daughter too much to be something that
they never had the opportunity to be. Because they
are your parents they may not want to admit to you
their sense of guilt.
Stage
four is FEELINGS EXPRESSED and this comes about
when their emotions are acknowledged and this is
about the time when they see that guilt and
self-incrimination is not the answer and they are
ready to ask questions, hear answers and some
dialogue between you and them begins to take place.
Living in a homophobic society has forced you to
experience the same feelings (isolation, fear,
hurt, confusion), sharing those feelings with them
helps a great deal.
It's
like reaching a fork in the road that has several
paths from which to choose and both parents may not
necessarily choose the same path. The choice each
person makes is a reflection of the attitude that
he or she is now ready to slowly begin dealing with
the situation. This is how stage five, MAKING
DECISIONS, begins and it gradually comes into play
as the emotional trauma subsides. It's common for
them to retreat for a little while and consider
what options may lie ahead. Sometimes parents
respond by clearing up the fact that it's an issue
that no longer requires discussion. While they can
discuss the matter, they are fragile in dealing
with it and they feel that they are progressing or
have progressed as far as they want to and do not
wish to go further. It's not uncommon for parents
to slip back sometimes and rehash what you thought
was behind you. A word about relapses is important
and problem-solving as well as changing personal
attitudes can sometimes be diagrammed as two steps
forward and one step backward. Allow them time to
rework it because change can usually come about
this way as well as stage six, TRUE
ACCEPTANCE.
Some
parents get this far, but not all do. While some
can love their child and celebrate the teen's
uniqueness, others may love their child without
accepting the child's life. Fortunately, there are
some that can view homosexuality as a legitimate
expression of human sexuality. Many parents at this
time may reflect on the homophobic society they
live in, on the gay jokes they have told or laughed
at over the years and begin to understand the
problems they have unknowingly created for their
child. When asked if they wish their child could be
changed, they respond, "I would prefer to change
our homophobic society so that my child could live
his life without rejection and
fear."
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