I've only got this one up right now, hopefully I'll have some more later on but we'll see. The following was written in February of 1999, two months before I went into treatment. Needless to say, I was not in a very good place at the time and this poem (although I don't know if you'd really call it a poem, but anyway...) is the only time I ever attempted to put what I was feeling into words...
Hidden amongst the shadows of my mind lie answers, tucked away, left untouched
a beginning, so missed and so much a mystery
lost, sunken deep in the mire I stand, kneel, collapse
a storm so much stronger than I could ever hope to be
withering away, swallowed by unattended anguish stuffed down by my own hand
Traitor
heart wounded by mind, mind tormented by poisoned heart
seeking to redeem the shattered soul now lying before me... scooping up the pieces, recoiling
jagged edges slice open my unsteady hands, spilling forth what sign of life remains
finally a new calm found somewhere between the darkest dark and awkward silence
in the deadened lull of emptiness there is nothing, for if something were allowed to be I myself would be no more
I have made my bed with the one I hate, the one I despise with my whole being, all the while catering to it's every whim, yearning to be seen as worthy of being set free
Die already, die!
voices screaming, warning, pleading... my voice joins in, I become my own executioner, the sound so sickening, the feelings yet untraced
never again, they taunt, never again shall I be open, never again to be hurt. Never
lost in the depths of a dark unfamiliar place I grope, searching for a way out, a trace of something to comfort me
my hands find only the unforgiving stone cold walls marking clear my boundaries
the beginning too far gone, no trail of crumbs to mark my way
alone I sink down, deeper until the only voices left to be heard are my own
still taunting, still demanding
needing something, wanting nothing
feel a hand reaching down, the breath of another... now so utterly foreign a sensation brushing against my calloused heart I cringe, draw back
desperately seeking some new place to hide, deeper still into myself I retreat, breaking and oblivious to the intensions of another
shut my eyes tight, if I can't see them they won't see me
stop this madness? but to stop the running would be to curl up and die
still they venture in, closer closer still
too close for comfort yet never close enough
pushing against them, pushing... and they give in, turning to leave, ready to depart
stop I whisper, don't go... though audible to only my own aching ears
Go! I scream, leave me be
all the while pleading with myself to let them stay, let one care
groveling at my own feet I lay pleading to no avail, they are walking
foosteps fading, my own voice laughing - taunting, claiming victory yet again
curling up I slow my breathing, once again in solitude I fall deeper
...deeper..
one step closer to comfort, one step closer to an end
~carrie~
