Segment 2
Today is February 1, 1999. It is 1:00 in the morning and I am working on my web page. I have high hopes the web page will be successful. Successful, means giving me an outlet for my energies, and creating a place for myself and others to find support. My desire is that others will find this site and want to email opinions, poetry, and just generally exchange ideas. I have also included web sites that I think are helpful in finding information concerning mental disorders, in particular, bipolar, and suicide. These items are primary to me because I am bipolar and thoughts of suicide sit on my shoulder.
I have suffered with severe mood swings all my life but thought it was normal because that is all I have ever known. I did not realize there was another way to live life. The thought to look around at how other people lived their lives never occurred to me. My early life was filled with mental and physical abuse. The present life I live is filled with doubt and confusion. I had to stop working five years ago due to back problems after 30 years as an electrician. College, I thought, would be a great thing to accomplish. My thought was to become a teacher and help young people receive an education and become productive citizens.
I contacted the Texas Rehabilitation Commission and they offered to pay for half of my tuition each semester. I registered at East Texas State University in Commerce, Texas and transferred 30 hours from a junior college. After three semesters at ET, I began having trouble concentrating on my studies. I was loosing my ability to read with comprehension. The counselor at Texas Rehab suggested I visit a psychologist for testing to see if there was some prescription drug to help me with this problem.
Psychologist are not allowed to prescribe medications. Therefore, I was told that I should consult a psychiatrist. My TR counselor set up an appointment with a local psychiatrist and to my frustration, he diagnosed me bipolar. Lithium was prescribed and I began taking it. The psychiatrist told me if the lithium did not restore my concentration, there were other drugs we could try. After taking the lithium for a short period and having no relief, I was prescribed Zoloft. This too proved to be less than effective. By this time I had begun to have severe thoughts of suicide to the point of visions in my mind. I was told that if these visions progressed to the point that I thought I might actually commit suicide, that I should call the local mental hospital.
The suicidal visions became more than I could bear, so I called the psychiatrist and he told me to go to the hospital for admittance. At Glen Oaks hospital in Greenville, Texas, I was transferred to another psychiatrist because my insurance did not cover the original psychiatrist. I entered this private hospital in February 1998 and stayed for a week as an inpatient. The outpatient care was next for another week.
The thoughts of suicide lessened and I was able to stop going to outpatient care. During the next 8 months I saw my psychatrist once a month and a therapist once a week. The suicidal visions returned so the psychiatrist changed my medication to 20 mgs. of Prozac. After a short time he increased the dosage to 30 mgs. because I was becoming more radical. I was admitted to the same hospital again in October 1998. My prozac was increased to 40 mgs. I was inpatient for 16 days and during this stay I was so irrational and beligerent the hospital staff was forced to inject me with Adavan and place me in a special observation room three times. I was finally released from inpatient care on Friday to begin outpatient care again on Monday.
About 3:00 Monday morning before I was to begin outpatient care, I punched myself in the face several times and cut my left wrist with a razor knife. So back to the hospital I went. This stay was quite short. After three days a court order was issued and a state trooper arrived at Glen Oaks, placed me in his car, and took me to Terrell State Hospital in Terrell, Texas. Two days later, I was taken to the Hunt County court in Greenville, Texas for a formal hearing. I wanted to be realesed from Terrell, so I got on the stand and told the judge the wrist cutting was a spike in my attitude and that I would not do it again. I convinced the judge to release me. So the state trooper took me home.
I made an appointment with my psychiatrist to let him know I was home and to ask him what to do now. He told me he didn't know why I was not getting better. He threw his hands in the air and walked away. He would no longer renew my prescriptions or have anything to do with me. Coincidentally, my insurance maxed out for the year at this same time. Do you think there might be a connection? I sure do.
So, here I sit, no medications since Thanksgiving and feeling better without them. I am still having tremendous moods swings with ideations of suicide. But, I have been able to cope so far. I still see the therapist once a week and am now trying to get an appointment with a new psychiatrist through Family Services. The first appointment with this new psychiatrist was a bust as Family Services had not sent a file about me to the doctor. Now I am waiting to hear when I can come in for an induction interview with Family Services so I can get another appointment with the doctor.
