Segment 4
My Story
Today is another day in my life. It is now June 12th. My
psychiatrist has again changed my antidepressant. I now take Wellbutrin SR 150
mgs, one in the morning and one in the evening. My other medications have
remained the same. I have been on this prescription for about three or four
weeks now. My moods have been erratic with yo-yo bouts of crying and mania. The
doctor said I might experience this type of reaction until the new medication
kicked in.
I talked with my therapist about me stopping my visits and he did not
argue with me when I told him that it was my last visit. I must admit I have
missed our talks. But, I still feel we had gone as far as we were going to go
with each other.
My mood swings are prevalent and I still suffer with suicidal ideation.
Why can’t I put these movies out of my head? Is there any medication that can
do that for me? At least I have not acted out the movies in my head. I keep
telling myself about the effect my suicide would have on my family. I basically
have no friends so I don’t worry about that aspect of it.
I have attempted to begin a support group locally. This project has
proved to be a major disappointment for me. I have quite a bit of information
in the form of brochures to share with others at meetings, but I have been
stood up by those that said they would attend. After my driving 15 miles to
meet with them, they did not show or call to let me know they would not be
there. But I guess that is the nature of the beast. I must keep telling myself
that I am dealing with people that have deep-seated problems and very low
self-esteem. I have the meeting time of 8:00 p.m. Monday evenings set. So this
Monday will be my last attempt to work with others. I need the help just as
much as anyone, but I can’t deal with the let-downs. So maybe I am not the best
choice for beginning a support group. I keep telling myself that I need the
help and that I can’t find a group locally. That is why I thought of beginning
one myself. So what is there left for me to do? I don’t know. I guess I can sit
around and hope, but what does hoping get you? Not much.
My new religious affiliation has not been a happy time either. My
depression has set in and I do not want to get up on Sunday mornings to go to
church by myself. So I have been missing all the meetings. I pray every night
though. I do believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I know that
Jesus is my savior and that if I will follow Him, I will live a happier life.
This last statement is easy to say but harder to put into action. Why can’t I
get off my backside and get with the program? I know it would make me happier.
I feel alone and I don’t want to feel that way.
Hey, good news! My wife and I have found a house to buy. We are very
excited about it. We will close on the house on Monday, the 14th of
June at 10:30 a.m. So this will get us out of this apartment. I can’t wait for
that. Maybe when we get into this new home, things will improve. One great
thing about the house is that it is just a couple of blocks away from the
athletic center. I will become a member there so I can go there and work out.
This will help on a couple of different areas. Exercising will help me lose
weight. Weight loss will improve the problems I have with my back. Exercising
will also improve my cholesterol count. And lastly, it will help with my
pent-up tension and help me to relax. It may even help with my insomnia. The
only problem I see with this intention is that I will still be alone. I hope I
do not get burned out with the loneliness before I can make a difference in my
general health. I do not want to stop this exercise program before it really
gets started. I would like to make it a habit to work out and not stop just
because I am alone.
So, this is my installment into the profile section with my continuing
story. I hope someone will get something out of all this exposure.
