Segment 8
My Story
Today is September 30, 2000. It is anything but a good day for me. I am having a great deal of trouble
today. It started last evening. I went into a deep depression and began
crying for no known reason. I just knew
I wanted to cry, sit, and do nothing. My wife was going to pick something up to
eat and bring back to the house. I told
her I did not want to go with her but that I would not do anything dumb while
she was gone. This in turn started her
to crying. She said we needed to
talk. I said ok, but she said now was
not the time as we needed to eat first due to our eating schedule because we
both have diabetes.
So, she left. I was alone and began thinking what could
she possibly want to say to me. My mind
went into overdrive and I was thinking she was going to ask me to leave. I was terrified. I love her so much and want to be with her forever, whatever
forever is.
She returned and we sat at the table
ready to eat but before we began, I had to know what she wanted to say to
me. She began to cry and through her
tears she was saying she didn't know if she had the right to ask me not to
commit suicide due to the fact that I was going through so much misery. She said she felt selfish about wanting me
to stay alive to be with her even though I was hurting so badly. I was so relieved to hear she didn't want me
to leave. However, this did not bring
my mood up. I was still feeling less
than a man for the crying.
Today is not an improvement. I sat at the breakfast table and burst into
tears. I could not control what was
happening to me. I am not sure how long
I can hold out; I am hurting so badly and don't understand why. I can't control my emotions. I am confused. I take my medications like I should but the ups and downs
remain. I was beginning to think the
episodes were less frequent and less severe.
But that is a fallacy. I think I
was trying to cover up and be as positive as I could be. I still get the ups and can't sit
still. I must be doing something. I work around the house doing all the
outside chores such as mowing, weed eating, edging, trimming the hedges, raking
and bagging the debris, test the water and put chemicals in the pool, clean the
skimmer, skim the leaves off the surface of the water, clean the pool vacuum,
clean the filter. I have so much energy
I run from chore to chore. I get all
this done in approximately four hours.
The reason is because I cannot sleep and I stay up at night and just get
a few hours sleep during the morning hours.
Doing all this work in such a short time allows me to be completed
before my wife gets home from work.
That way we can be together.
Also I enjoy the complements she gives me for how nice everything is.
The following day I concentrate on the
inside of the house. I wash, dry, fold,
hang, and put away the clothes. I try
to set up a menu for the week and make out a shopping list. I still have time to go to my computer.
Then come the lows. I want to do nothing, but sit and cry. I want to stay in the bed with the covers
pulled up under my chin. Normally I
will not answer the phone. Attempting
to read is my quest. It is not easy as
I continually fall asleep. If you
remember from past segments, I lost my reading comprehension and am now
starting to get some of it back.
Finally I will get out of bed when my wife comes in the door from
work. I will pull on my shorts and sit
in the den with her and watch a little TV while she is relaxing. Then I will begin preparing supper.
The evening is no better. I sit in my recliner, staring at the TV, and
try to stop the movies of me committing suicide from playing in my head. I now have my plan worked out in my head as
the best way to do it. I will take my
gun, fully loaded, into the back yard, lie down beside the tool shed, place the
gun under my chin, and pull the trigger.
I want to be in the yard so I don't make a mess in the house. This way you can simply hose the area with
water and the blood will be gone. This
to me is the cleanest, quickest, and simplest way to accomplish this. I hope I don't screw it up and just wound
myself. If I don't die, I do not want
to be conscious enough to know I am a burden to my wife. She has had to deal with so much from me
already.
Thank you for listening.
