*****

Spike died today.

The Initiative finally got the best of him. We were all there, fighting dearly for his life. Buffy even went so far as to knock Riley out cold. That shocked us. But the soldier boys had sonic blaster guns and we only had one slayer and a few wooden stakes. It was only a matter of time before we conceded defeat. They slowly outnumbered us and we finally buckled in the face of their advanced weaponry. Buffy got shot in the arm protecting Spike, leaving him at their mercy.

He was dust in an instant.

~*There's nothing left to lose*~

I remember Buffy closing her eyes as the wind blew his ashes into her face, a single tear rolling down her cheek. And then they snapped open, the venomous determination in them making Riley gasp out loud, making us cheer silently. Ignoring the fact that her arm was dangling lifelessly at her side, she suddenly sprung up and went on a killing rampage, brutally slaughtering every member of the Initiative except Riley. Buffy hissed that she thought it better to let him live, so that he would never sleep peacefully again without being haunted by images of this day, so that he could feel the damage he had done. I could hear the seething hatred in her voice, and beneath it, a heartbreaking sadness that would never heal. Her voice broke as she lost her resolve to remain strong.

~*There's no place left to hide*~

She finally collapsed onto the floor, tears running down her face, and whispered that Spike had been her friend. I held her to close to me as she cried, my own face expressionless as I watched Riley crawl away in pain mingled with disgust.

~*There’s no more heart to bruise*~

Expressionless.

I made myself watch the entire thing as if it were a blockbuster on TV, as if it wasn’t quite reality and if I didn’t like the blood and gore I could always change the channel to something else and everything would be alright again. It was the only way I could stand everything without going crazy with grief. I didn’t want anyone to see how much Spike’s death affected me. I was supposed to hate him, I wasn’t supposed to care. So I made my face a blank and forced my mind to become vacant and unfeeling. And now I’m in my room, all alone by myself.

Every time something went wrong, Spike would be the first person I’d blame whether it was his fault or not simply because…anyway I remember the time when this group of demons called “The Gentlemen” stole our voices, making us unable to speak. I lurched out of bed in horror and immediately pointed to Spike, screaming silently that he did this to me. It was a stupid accusation, and Spike merely gestured for me to fuck off.

I don’t even know why I did always that. I guess it was the only way we could communicate at first. Through insults, mind games and sarcastic humor. The first night he stayed at my house I tied him to a chair, and he asked why I bothered since he’d never bite me anyway. I snapped that I happened to be moist and delicious, to which he had rolled his eyes and replied “Yeah, fine. You’re a nummy treat.” I glared at him and told him not to forget it.

Now I look back and wish that I had enjoyed the moment more instead of keeping myself on guard because we could’ve had much more fun. I wish I’d talked to him more instead of yelling at him all the time. Wish I’d tried to get to know him instead of distancing myself. But it’s too late for second chances.

~*All the words to what’s unspoken
I put together everything that’s broken
Just to see you*~

And now he’s gone for good. He was a part of my life. I don’t understand how someone can just completely disappear like that. How he can just walk into my life and then walk right out of it like nothing happened. It’s like I met him for no reason. We can’t even bury him. He’s dust in the wind. I never even got the chance to say goodbye. How could he just leave like that?

~*A king’s horse for what’s been broken
I’ll bring back even what’s unspoken
Just to see you *~

I’m hugging his duster, inhaling it's scent. That’s all we have left of him. All I have left anyway. They don’t know I took it. It smells like Spike. Like mentholated cigarettes, whiskey and my Calvin Klein cologne that he always denied to be wearing.

It smells like you’re right here with me, but when I turn around there’s no one there and my eyes hurt. What’s wrong with my eyes? They’re all wet and I can’t see properly. Everything’s all blurry and melting in together.....

~*Turn my castles blue
Turn my bones to sand
Just to see you~*

Tomorrow I’ll wake up and still be free to walk the streets of Sunnydale, but you never will again. You won’t be there to insult me when I come home from work and you won’t be calling me to come watch Passions with you and you’ll never threaten me ever again and it’s tearing me up inside and I can’t stop crying because it hurts so bad.....

I wish you'd known how much I loved you, Spike.

I would tell you,if only you were here.

~*Put together everything that’s broken, just to see you~*

*****

End