*****

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you looked back and asked yourself "How did I get here?" Well, I'm having one of those moments right now as I sit here in the lobby of the Hyperion, wrapped safely in the arms of the man I love and surrounded by everyone who's important in my life.

In other words things are going way too good and I'm wondering when the next appocalipse is gonna come.

Okay, okay, so I'm being a little melodramatic but you can't realy blame me considering I grew up on the Hellmouth. Spike leans down and my cheek shaking me out of my revery, then runs a hand down bringing it down to rest on the swell of my abdomen that is currently holding our first child.

"What 'cha thinkin' 'bout Xan?" he asks lovingly nuzzling my neck.

"Just sitting here being happy," I reply as I turn my head to capture his mouth in a kiss. Yep, life for this moment anyway, is good.

I never thought about this ever happening to me; you know being truely happy. But it has and it all started about ten months ago:

-flashback-

I heaved a deep sigh of contentment as my fingers played in the platinum blond curls on my husband's head. Husband. It had been two and a half years ago that we had promised forever to eachother and I haven't regretted a moment of it. Spike had actually proposed to me in front of all of our friends, and when I'd said yes I don't know who was more excited: Dawn, Willow, Spike or myself. At any rate all of our friends had been more than suportive, and that made life almost perfect.

Now here I was laying in with my purring vampire husband curled up to my side. Yep, I was the happiest man alive.

"Xan?"

"Yeah?"

"What 'cha thinking about?" The purring had stopped as my lover looked up unto my eyes. ::Yes he askes me that a lot::

"The fact that we've been married for two and a half years and I wouldn't trade a moment of it." I leaned down and kissed the pale forehead.

A teasing glint shone in the piercing blue eyes, "Not even when I showed up at your work dressed in that pink bunny outfit?"

I had to chuckle at the memory, "Not even that."

Spike shifted up to kiss me on the lips, allowing his cool tongue to explore the familiar taste of my hot mouth. When he finaly stopped to let me breathe he rested his head on the my shoulder and changed both of our lives with a question: "Xan, have you ever thought about kids?"

I furrowed my brow, "What do you mean?"

"You know like you and I adopting a kid or two and raising them."

Boom. If I had been standing you could have knocked me over with a feather. Was he serious? I sat up, forcing Spike to do the same, and tuned on the bed-side lamp. "Spike what bought this on? Do you really want kids?" Could my world have been turned up-side down any faster?

Spike shifted uneasily as he leaned back against the headboard next to me, "I've wanted a family since I was human. When Angelus turned me and I was with Dru, I gave up hope of ever actually being able to have one. Then I met you, and for the first time I hoped..."

His voice trailed off as he looked at me, fearing rejection. Surprised that I didn't seem to want to run or throw him out. "Spike," my words were quiet, slow and carefully chosen,"I do want a kid or two, don't think that I don't because I do, but can we talk about it for a few days before we make any final decisions?"

"You *do* want kids?!" Spike seemed shocked that I actually wanted the one thing he felt was missing from his life.

"Yes I do, but can we talk about it for a few days before we decide?" I repeated.

Spike grinned at me, "We can take as much time as you need."

I smiled back at him and then play punched him in the arm, "Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

"That I wanted kids?" I nodded. Spike shrugged, "Dunno I guess I was afraid you wouldn't want kids and then I would never get the chance to raise a little one and..." his voice trailed off as he fidgeted with the corner of the comforter that was in his lap.

"Any other secrets you've been hiding from me?" I teased.

Spiike turned to me with a wicked grin on his face, "Well ...an orgy with Red and her Wife-"

I tackled him and we wrestled arround on the bed. I knew he was kidding and really just wanted me, but I had to do it: just on principal.

We showed up at the Magic box a week later having made our decision and announced that we were going to try and adopt a child. The chaos that followed would have made any Chaos demon jealous. Willow squealed with excitement, Tara smiled, Dawn came crashing into us, Buffy managed to squeak out a 'What?!' and Giles just laughed. Okay in all fairness Giles already knew since I had to talk it over with someone who was not Spike, but still it was ammusing.

After everything calmed down everyone was supportive and volunteering to help us.

It turned out the idea of having two gay men adopt a child was too much for even the most open-minded adoption agencies. We had decided we wanted to do this legaly because the last thing I wanted to do was tempt fate on the Hellmouth. I remember sitting at the shop waiting for Angel, who'd volunteered to help when we told him of our decision, to call us with news of the last adoption agency we had left to try.

******

"Xander, phone for you," Giles handed the me the cordless as sat down next to me at the table.

"Angel hi... yeah,... uh huh,.... oh," I deflated with the negative news, "Yeah thanks for trying we appreciate it. Bye."

I hung up the phone and handed it back to Giles who put a hand on my shoulder, "No luck?"

"Right now the idea of a gay couple raising a child is apparently to strange for even the most optimistic of adoption agencies."

"Xan-"

"I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. When we decided on this I started wanting it more than I ever thought I would. I mean I know people find it strange that the two of us could actually want a child but the thought of a little one in our home just seemed to complete things..."

Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I knewGiles didn't know how to make it better. He was used to thinking of me as a son, and even though it had seemed a little odd at first, he did everything he could think of to try and help us find a child to adopt.

"Have you guys tried an out of country orphanege? They're always looking to place children in American homes to try and give them a chance for a better life."

"We had Angel checking into that as well. Again the idea of a gay couple seems to be a little too strange for them." I drew a shakey breath trying to keep from crying, "I just don't want to have to tell Spike that no one seems to want to let us raise a child." I couldn't hold back anymore and broke down crying.

Giles absently rubbed my back, trying to both comfort me and no doubt, think of another idea for us to try to adopt a kid.

I cried for a while. I couldn't understand how people in this world thought that a gay couple could be more dangerous that a father who rapes or beats his child or a mother who simply neglects the needs of the child.

Finally my tears stopped and I looked up at the man I wished had been *my* father, "Giles, I...I don't know what to do."

He moved over and enfolded me in a fierce hug, "We'll find a way Xander, we'll find a way."

*****