Series: We're not gay. We're just friends. Who have sex.
Title: It's not like that.
Author: Juliatheyounger
Summary: Spike and Xander discover they have a couple of things in common. Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC17 for sexual references, sexual scenes and language.
Disclaimer: Joss's. Wish they were mine.
Spoilers: Er…set sometime post series 5, no spoilers
Distribution: If you want it (choking cough of amazement) just ask.
Feedback: Yes please!!
Author's note: Oh dear, I've written some slash. What is the world coming to?
It's not like that.
I'm not stupid. Hey stop laughing. I have my moments of intelligence. My point is, I know when a person is attractive, even if it is a guy. It's not a sexual thing, I'm just not blind. And I have to admit, Spike has that dangerous, cool thing going, and the guy is buff. Wish I looked that good in jeans. I'm more the baggy, conceal it under layers of clothes kind of guy. I know what girls like. I so know what girls like. (I really need male friends). And Spike has that, well a lot of that. Probably would help if he hadn't tried to kill them so many times. Sort of out weighs the whole sexy thang. Yeah, so, he's hot. I've noticed. So put me in chaps and spank my bare ass. Doesn't mean I'm gay. But it doesn't explain why, at this moment I'm seriously considering what I just thought I considered.
************
Xander is just looking at me like I grew another head. Or I vamped out or something. Not quite sure which part of what I just said freaked him out but something did. I shrug and take another pull on my bottle of weak American ale. Kid better snap out of it soon or I'm gonna have to finish his beer for him.
I frown, going over what I just said trying to figure out exactly what it was that shook the whelp up so much. I'm a bit drunk. Ok a lot drunk. And remembering isn't the easiest trick when you're a lot drunk. Particularly if you weren't paying attention to what you're saying in the first place. Didn’t think he was either, til he got that weirded out look on his face.
Ok. I'll start from the beginning and work from there. Xander was here. We were drinking. We were talking. Actually talking. Like buddy-buddy kind of people. Ahhh beer, the social lubricant. At that thought I take another sip.
Lubricant. That's right. Sex. We were talking about sex. Xander was waxing lyrical about his ex-demon ex. Bout how good a lay she was. How he missed that. That pathetic kind of thing. And so I said a couple of things. I mean, I do have what, a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty years experience. Should be allowed to impart a bit of that knowledge. And suddenly he's looking at me like I just offered to paint myself purple and dance naked on a harpsicord, quoting Blackadder.
***********
Spike is just staring at me now. Oh fuck. I'd better say something or else he'll think I think - and then he'll think- No. Not going there.
"Yeah right."
Oh very smooth. Xander, you are the smooth man. Dumb ass. Now he's looking at me like I'm even weirder. I don't know why I even asked if he'd done it with another guy. I mean, why would I want to know that? That is just so…too much information?
***********
"Don't knock it til you try it mate," I grin, recalling what he was responding to. The kid had asked me about the poof. Why I called him the poof. So I told him. Left out the dark stuff. Don't need to lay me past traumas out for the perusal of the Scoobies. Just told him: Yeah. We did it. Couple of times. He was all ewww.
Bloody hell I wish they'd stop doing that. Anything I say these days its all "Ew?". Least they've given up on 'duh' a bit. I've a good mind to give them kids a bloody thesaurus. Tell them to look up some bloody more words.
Yeah right, where was I? Oh, Xander's all "Ewwww". So I of course said. "Why'd you ask Harris? Curious?" And about then he got that look.
Oh.
Oh?
***********
Oh shit. He's got that look on his face. The look he gets when he's laughing at you inside and you're not quite sure what the joke is. Ok, projecting highschool a bit here, but you know what I mean. Of course you do. You're my inner dialogue.
"Not knocking it. Not trying it. Very happy with the not trying." I say. I sound convincing yeah? Hello, heterosexual here. Healthy collection of porn? Poster of Angeline Jolie? Breasts. Breasts are good. Very much into breasts.
**********
I laugh. 'Cause I get it now. Harris had himself a homoerotic thought and got spooked. Funny. I have another swig of beer. Thing were going well 'til then, though, what with the drinking and the bloke stuff, so I decide to let it go. In a minute.
"Fair enough," I say. "'Course, no one's to know, if you did- You know. Try. It."
The look on his face is priceless. Then he gets all cool, cause he figures I'm taking the piss. Which I am. Course I am. Like I'm offering? Yeah right. Not to Xander Bloody Harris. Must be on the same train of thought though, cause he asks:
"Why? You offering Spike?"
**********
I was joking. Ok. This has gone far enough. He's still taking making fun of me. He's got to be. Spike's looking at me like he's actually considering… Oh I feel so naked. And dirty.
"You want me to?" he asks. Oh he is so definitely winding me up. He's called my bluff on his bluff. One of us has to break. Ok, it's me.
"I was joking Spike," I say. "Disappointed?"
*********
I'll give it to Harris, he's not afraid of backing down. I give him another one of me patented once overs, the kind that makes bints either slap me in the face, threaten to stake me or drop their knickers.
"Yeah," I say, trying to keep a straight face. That got him. He doesn't know whether I'm joking or serious. I'm joking. Of course. I only get on my knees for one bloke and I ain't done that in over a hundred years neither. Ok, two years. But that night didn't count. We were both pissed. But still, I'm having too much fun to stop tormenting the whelp. And besides, it's sort of a battle of wills now.
"Pity," I say. "It's always fun with a virgin."
*********
"Hey!" I say, indignantly. "Not a virgin! So very not a virgin." Ok, maybe that was a bit of the protesting too much. Again with channeling highschool me?
Spike just chuckles, this - no, not sexy- annoying. Annoying. Laugh. And then he cocks his eyebrow up, like he does and just looks at me. Ok, I admit it, that's cool. Wish I could do the eyebrow thing.
"Not that kind of virgin, lame brain," he smirks.
Oh. Duh. Oh?
"Oh. Again, ew?" I say. And the thought is so not appealing. I am so not considering the idea. I drink some beer and mentally do a Homer…mmmm beer.
**********
Xander gulps down his beer. I think I might have got to him. I obligingly take myself off to the fridge and get us out another couple of drinks. I hand him one just as he finishes the one he was on. He dives into that bottle again and I take a swig of mine and try and decide where I'm going with this. I suppose I should let up. Not that it wasn't fun, tormenting the whelp a bit like that. But. But if I keep it up, what could've been a pleasant evening, with someone who I might possibly, if I was stoned or something, call a friend, would in all likely-hood turn into a round of kick the Spike. On the other hand if I keep this up….No. Xander Harris remember? Don't really need some smart arse crack about chips or bleach when I'm mid-orgasm thank you very much.
So I sit back on my chair and try to think of something innocuous and completely above board and blokey. Something about football.
"We could say we were drunk."
***********
I do a spit-take.
"Excuse me? Fuck Spike. Give it a rest." I don't know why my heart is thudding too loud. "I get it. Haha. Give Xander crap because he isn't as comfortable with his sexuality as certain hundred and twenty whatever year old vampires."
I get to my feet. A little unsteadily. Almost two beers in five minutes is probably not that good for the whole balance thing.
************
Fuck. Good one Spike. He looks upset. Fuck. And he's going to leave. If he can manage to stand up. Time to make things better.
"Hey, where you going? Look, sorry mate. Got a bit carried away. Just a joke. Went too far. Don't really want to get into your pants." I grin, all friendly like. He doesn't look like he's going to buy it.
************
He doesn't? Yeah right Xander. Like he would. He's been winding you up. Ha fucking ha. He looks sorry. Ah crap. Dammit. Why does he have to look like he actually cares if I leave? I sit down again. Only because standing is hard.
"Your loss," I say. And grin back. Yeah buddy-vibes all round. I need some more beer.
***********
I chuckle and take a drink. A long one. Good, he's staying. Not that I care…it's just. Well gets lonely sometimes. Bloody hell, I've known the whelp for what two, three years now? That'd have to make us mates, wouldn't it?
**********
"Sooo," I say. "How about those Mets?" I feel the need to talk about sport all of a sudden.
Spike seems to be suddenly on his best behaviour because he doesn't pick me up on it, just follows my lead.
"Yeah, bloody good game that. Ever watch Rugby?" he says.
I say no, and we have an argument about the merits of American sports versus English ones. Rugby vs Football. Soccer/Football vs Football. Cricket vs Baseball. Shit like that. It's been too long since I could talk to someone about this kind of stuff.
**********
I can't believe Harris. He can't seriously be telling me that cricket has no good points.
"Of course it's bloody boring to watch. That's the point. You're supposed to either play it or drink a lot and yell loud abuse at the umpires. If I could be human for one reason it would be so I could sit on the hill in the sun, drink beer and watch the Ashes."
"The Ashes?"
Could the boy be this uneducated? I think its high time I sit him down in front of some cable television.
"England versus Australia." I enlighten him.
"Oh." Xander's face lights up as he thinks of another sports related topic. "Hey, how about Australian Rules?" I laugh and realise I'm having a good time.
***********
I'm drunk. I really am now. I'm so drunk that I actually don't want this evening to end. I realise that I'm having a good time. Spike's being a moron of course. He has no idea about decent manly sport. I make up my mind to get tickets to the next Laker's game and make him go. Man that vampire can talk some crap.
Have I mentioned I'm drunk? That must explain why out of nowhere, somewhere talking about how Aussie Rules guys only wear short shorts and shirts, I ask:
"What's it feel like?"
"What? Short shorts?"
"No," I say. "Gay sex."
Spike just looks at me, but it's not with a smirk. His expression is sort of curious, sort of…cautious. Crap. Why did I ask? Spike swallows and my cock twitches and answers my question.
************
Why did he ask that? Just when we were getting all manly and blokey and comfortable. Is he joking? He's probably having me on. Paying me back for earlier.
Well he asked. I'll answer.
"Hard to describe," I say. "You're talking bottom I take it? Cause tops much the same…only tighter maybe. Depends."
************
Ok, I'm not fucking drunk enough.
"Oh. Ok." I say. I'm sort of… I have no idea why I asked and no idea what kind of answer I expected. I guess I was curious. Well I'm a guy. It's sex. There's curiosity.
"Does it…hurt?" Again with the wiggy questions coming out of my mouth.
Spike has that curious expression again, as if he's trying to figure out why I'm asking. He also looks a bit suspicious. I guess he thinks I'm winding him up.
"I just want to know," I say.
"Sometimes," he says, carefully. And there's something. Something in his eyes. For the briefest second. And for the briefest second I want the sharp amused blue back.
He laughs suddenly. And smirks. "But then you know. Vampire. Kind of into pain."
************
That sort of throws the kid. He looks kind of…well I'm expecting another eww. But then the one thing I never expected comes out of his mouth.
"Yeah, well Angelus never did strike me as a flowers and dinner kind of guy."
I laugh. I have honestly no idea what to say to that. I shift a bit. Aware that my jeans had all of a sudden gotten a bit tight. Then I drain the last of my beer in one go and head for the fridge. Anything to stop the kid looking at me like that. Like he gives a shit.
************
Spike gets up to get another beer and I'm relieved to not have him looking all of a sudden. Like he's boring into my brain with his eyes. When he laughed, that was good. Definite tension there for a moment. Hence the crack about Angelus. Good old Xander always one with the tension breaker. Yay me.
He comes back and hands me another beer.
"You trying to get me drunk Spike?" I ask, slurring a bit deliberately.
He grins and leers. "Yeah it's my cunning plan to have my evil way with your flabby assed self."
A joke. Good. I laugh. Laughing is very much of the good at the moment.
If you say 'repressed much?' one more time I am so going to get myself another subconscious.
*************
I don't know whether it’s the beer, the sex talk, the sport talk or the way fucking Xander keeps looking at me, but I'm getting horny. I'm wondering if we're both drunk enough to watch some porn. Maybe I should just send him home so I can have a wank and sleep it off.
*************
Spike shifts a bit and I suddenly notice that he's got a hard on. Ok, so I've been a bit on the erect side myself, but I put it down to talking about sex. I am a twenty-year old guy, still not completely master of my domain yet. But, wow, Spike has a hard on. And I suddenly realise I'm staring at it. And oh fuck. I look up and he's looking at me. He was looking at me looking at his hard on.
He looks down at my crotch.
"Want to watch some porn?" he asks.
*************
He was checking me out. I swear the whelp was staring at my hard on. That does it. I shuffle through the box of videotapes on the floor and drag out an oldie but a goodie.
Perfectly decent, hot lesbian S&M action. Nice. I shift over on the couch and make room for Harris.
*************
I sit next to Spike, well as far from Spike as possible while still sitting on the couch. He fast forwards through the piracy warning and the usual bad soundtrack starts up.
Ok. This is good. Very manly kind of thing to do. We will sit and drink our beer and ogle girls. I hope this is girl porn.
"This has got girls in it right?" I ask, panicked.
Spike smirks. "No, it's got sheep. What do you think? Of course it's got girls."
*************
So we're watching a fine looking young thing, blonde, bit like the Slayer, wearing a strap on and spanking this brunette chick. And I'm feeling, a little, you know, aroused. All bloody right, very bloody aroused, if you must know. Pervert. And it has nothing to do with the fact that Xander Harris is sitting right next to me and I can smell how fucking aroused he is, despite my current state of inebriation. I shift a bit, trying to get comfortable, relieve the tightness of my jeans on my hard on. Finally I look at Harris.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?" he says, sort of strangled.
"Don't get all weird on me, right. I'm just gonna undo my pants a bit."
Xander nods dumbly. "Yeah, right, sure. I uh. Yeah, right with you pal, might just undo mine a bit too."
I smirk at this. The kids got more balls than I thought.
I undo my pants. Trouble is, I'm not wearing any underwear and well, it’s a bit hard to keep things in place, if you know what I mean.
*************
I glance over at Spike. BY ACCIDENT. As he's undoing his pants. And ohfuckinghell his cock just springs… out. And. Can I say, I'm impressed? For a not so tall guy, he's got nothing to be ashamed about at the urinals.
I know I turn bright red though, I can feel my cheeks and ears burning. I focus on the girl on girl action on the television. Which does NOT help. My own erection is straining at my briefs. Yeah, I'm a briefs man. Except when I'm a boxers man. I'm versatile. Tonight, I'm very grateful that I chose to wear briefs. I wriggle about a bit, trying not to look at Spike, trying to look at the tv, trying not to feel too horny.
*************
I try to stuff my cock back into my pants. Harris saw it. Fuck. I'd be embarrassed, but you know, I'm me. And, I couldn't help but notice, he looked impressed. I glance over at him. He's wearing briefs but that polyester cotton is getting pretty strained.
Touching my cock to stuff it back in my pants didn't help matters. I glance at Harris again. I wonder how much shit I'd get if I had a wank? Its not like he'd tell the other Scoobies… but you know, for some reason I don't want to scare him away or freak him out…it was sort of cool having a bloke around to drink with and talk to. I restrain my baser impulses for a bit longer.
************
I risk another glance in the general direction of Spike. He's got it back in his pants, barely. The guy is wriggling about like his ass is on fire or something. Maybe I should go. Let him, you know, relieve the tension. I'm actually surprised he's not already - I thought, vampire, you know, no shame. I'm sort of wishing for a bathroom or my bed right now, or a warm soft Anya. I should go. Mrs Palmer and her five daughters are waiting for me. Then Spike looks up and catches me looking at him. He holds my gaze and sort of pulls his bottom lip into his mouth for a second and then lets it go. And then he reaches into his pants.
************
Oh fuck it. Bad idea, Spike, very bad. But fuck it. So the whelp leaves, so fucking what, everyone does anyway, in the end. Like he's going to be good buddy pals with you tomorrow anyway, I tell myself. Myself agrees. Oh that feels good. Oh yeah. I fix my eyes on the porn, not daring to look at Xander. Don't really need to see disgust, sort of puts you off.
***********
I can't believe he's actually…I stare at him transfixed. Spike is actually going to jerk off in front of me. Ok we're both very drunk, we're watching porn, its late, we're both guys, I rationalise. This is not gay. Yeah I know. Just shut up.
Then as I watch the porn, and glance at Spike and my cock feels like its going to burst, I decide, hey what the fuck, when on a Hellmouth, and ease my own straining erection out of my pants. Which is nothing to be ashamed about in size compared to Spike either, I might add. Oh, now that feels good.
***********
I smell and hear Xander start to masturbate rather than see him. And I know I sound like the poof, but it's more erotic than what I'm watching on tv. I can't help it, I moan.
**********
I hear Spike moan and oh, I feel like I'm gonna cum any minute now. I stare blankly at the hot lesbian fun on the tv, straining my ears to hear Spike, sneaking glances in his direction. Then suddenly I feel a hand on my thigh. Ok, I jump, I admit it. This is too surreal. Spike's got his left hand on my thigh and we're both jerking off to porn. Luckily I'm drunk. Spike's hand freezes for a moment, then as I relax and continue to stroke my cock, he starts rubbing his hand up and down my leg. It feels so good. Is it gay if it turns me on?
**********
Oh pet, yes, that's nice. I know its too much to want Xander to touch me but knowing that he's letting me touch him while he runs his hand over that bloody nice dick fills me full of lust. I suddenly want to kiss him. Ok, not suddenly, I realise I've been wanting to do it for a while. I want to feel those lips. Kiss that smart mouth. Stick my tongue inside. Make him breathless.
And then he touches my thigh. Tentatively and oh that in itself sends a wave of pleasure straight to my groin. I have a sudden image of him fumbling at me as we make love. Oh yes! I increase my pace, I'm going to cum, but I don't want to end this, not yet. Once we get the pop shot, its all over folks, whelp goes home, I clean up. The end. Lonely nights ahead.
Then he squeezes my thigh. And I look up and look at him and he's looking at me, and I do a very foolish stupid thing. I lean over and suck his dick.
***********
Ohmyfuckinghellgnnngrhhhh. Fuck.
"Spike?" I gasp as he leans over and on my downward stroke follows my hand with his mouth all the way down my cock, right to the balls. Oh, fuck. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh, have I mentioned, yes? I grip the couch with one hand and bunch up Spike's shirt with the other.
***********
"Shh pet," I breathe on an upward stroke and then I take him in my mouth again, my own dick forgotten, well not forgotten, more neglected. But I don’t mind. This is heaven. He hasn't pushed me off him. He's not struggling. He's liking it.
***********
I think my eyes are crossed. I buck against Spike. Where in fuck did he learn to do that?
"ohyesohfuckohspikeohyes," I babble, gripping his shirt and the couch tighter. "I'm gonna cum."
"Yeah, pet, cum for me, cum for me," he murmurs, how the fuck he does I don't know cause he doesn't take his mouth and tongue away from my dick for a moment.
And then I cum. I cum and cum and cum. Into Spike's mouth. Oh my god, I just came in a guy's mouth. Oh shit, crap. Hey Mom, guess what I'm gay or at least bisexual.
And then he's sitting up next to me, a stupid look on his face, licking his lips, wiping the corner of his mouth with his hand, trying to smirk and look cool and failing because his eyes…and then I drag him to me and kiss him. I taste myself on his lips and on his tongue, cause, oh yeah, my tongue's down his throat. And his is down mine.
And, since, you know, it's only fair, I grab hold of his penis and start stroking it.
Spike lets out a little moan and presses into me as he continues to kiss me very hard.
**************
Ohxanderyesss. I grind into him, into his hand. One of my arms is wrapped around him, holding him to me tight, the other hand holds his head, pressing him against me as my tongue runs over his, savouring his taste. I'm almost desperate for it. Except, you know, its me. I'm never desperate. But ohfuckinghell I want him. His hand is so warm and he does this so well. I almost chuckle. Wanker. But I don't because bloody hell this is so fucking nice. And then, he reaches down with his other hand and cups my balls. I feel his penis hard against my leg. Already. And that does it. I'm cumming. Cumming all over the both of us as we press into each other, his cock pressed hard against me, both of us grinding into each other.
**************
Spike cums and after a moment I pull back, letting go of his sticky member with my sticky hand. Ok, there's just general stickiness everywhere, and it's not entirely his fault. He lets me pull back but he's still got his hand at the back of my neck and his other hand comes round and runs gently over my shirt front. He's looking at me…softly? Almost…fuck, tenderly?
I reach up and run my non-sticky hand down his cheekbone. Spike shudders and shuts his eyes briefly. When he opens them he's all, well, normal.
************
I shut my eyes as Xander touches my face. Oh fuck no. I don't want to feel like this. Not about Xander Harris. Bloody stupid. Such a bloody stupid thing to do. Right fine, was just a bit of fun. All right kiddies, move along, nothing to see here.
I open my eyes. Give him a friendly grin and then get up. I find a towel and throw it at Xander. I don't look at him. Not looking at him. I pull off my cum soaked shirt and bunch it up, wipe my stomach where it’s a bit sticky and throw the dirty shirt in the corner.
***********
I clean myself up as best I can with the towel Spike throws at me, but I'm still covered in cum. Spike's cum. He's not looking at me. I watch him pull off his shirt and throw it in the corner. Man he's buff. I am not thinking about licking that chest. Or back. I figure I'd better go before he decides to start making sarcastic comments. I don't think I could handle that at the moment. It was probably all he could do to give me a friendly grin. Thanks for the hand job mate. No problem Spike, old chum, thanks for blowing me.
He moves across the crypt and rummages around in a trunk or something, then he's back. Still not looking at me.
"Here, " he says and throws a t-shirt at me.
"Thanks," I manage. I stand up and pull my sticky shirt off and pull on Spike's black t-shirt. How many of these does he own? It's a bit tight, but at least its clean, and at least I don't smell so much like I just had a vampire come on me. I zip up my pants. I'm feeling a lot more sober now. I suddenly realise the porn is still playing on the tv and the girls are still going at it.
"Guess I should get going," I say, wanting to say more. Wanting him to look at me like he did, just before.
***********
He's going.
"Yeah," I reply. I don't want to look at him. If I look at him, I'll want to kiss him. Or he'll see how I feel and then it'll be time to humiliate Spike. Can't have that. Am the Big Bad after all. I don't feel, like this, about stupid human boys. I sense him stiffen a bit, and I realise that maybe I sounded a bit cold. I resist the urge to pull him to me, say, thanks pet, so much for that, and snog him a bit, but he'd probably think I'm some sort of poofter or laugh. So I turn, nod briefly, say "Uh, thanks, you know, had a good time," or something pathetic like that. All blokey.
"Yeah, same," he says and sounds equally gruff and manly. "See you round," he says and starts for the door.
"Yeah," I say.
And then the crypt door shuts.
***********
I lean against the crypt door, my heart pounding. Ok, major wiggins. I'm never going to live this down. He's going to use it against me forever. I let Spike blow me. I mean, that's not weird for him, he's a vampire. That's what they do, not necessarily blow guys, but you know, have ambiguous sex lives. I gave Spike a hand job. I can just see the mileage he's going to get out of that.
I sigh. At this point in time I am too tired and have had too much beer to care. I straighten up and slouch off home. I'll have a girly panic attack tomorrow.
***********
I hear him pause outside the door. Just fucking go, I yell mentally. I switch off the damn video and flop onto the couch. I can smell him. Fuck. He'll probably make good use of this. I can't believe I was so stupid. So weak. Ahh fuck it.
I sigh and shut my eyes and try to go to sleep.
************
end of part 1