Oh great. What's the time? 3 am. Gnnngh.

"What's wrong honey?"

Nothing, I tell Anya. It's nothing. God, I wish I would stop dreaming about the bleached wonder. Anya snuggles up to me. It feels good, but I feel sort of like I'm lying to…someone. I pull Anya closer to me for a moment. And kiss her softly. She kisses me back and for a moment things are good. The truth is though, we aren't as comfortable as before. There's this thing there between us. Like we're both assessing the situation. Like we're both weighing up our options. Like we're both on probation. Suddenly everything is a big deal. Like if I say the wrong thing An will leave. Like if things aren't going well I'll…no, not going there. There leads to thoughts that are uncomfortable and sticky. And that I shouldn't be thinking. Not if I want this to work with Anya. I'm not sure why we broke up in the first place. I think it had to do partly with me not letting her tell anyone about our engagement. We still haven't. In fact the whole marriage thing hasn't been mentioned. I think its that 'uncertain about our relationship' thing again. It was the engagement and there was also…I'm not sure, just things, little things that happened too often, an argument that was bigger than it should have been, things that have been bothering both of us for too long. And then Anya leaving.

And then…yeah, stuff. Stuff I still haven't told An' yet.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Depends what you mean by bad.

"Uh, yeah," I say.

"Poor Xander."

I kiss her on the forehead and hold her to me. And I suddenly need to tell her.

"Anya?"

"Mmm?

"When…when we were broken up…I - I slept with someone." Ok. Suddenly scared. Very scared. I feel her stiffen beside me. Ok, maybe shouldn't have told her that.

"Do I know them?"

Is it ok to tell a little lie if you're telling a big truth?

"You might've seen them around."

Anya is quiet for a while.

"How many times?"

"Um…how many times?"

"Yes, how many times did you have sex? I'd like to know whether it was a girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with or a I miss Anya and I need sexual release type of slept with."

I almost laugh. "Uh, so not the girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with. Twice, well four times if you count the blow jobs. Only four times." Only four times. And if you packed those four times into twenty-four hours it doesn't even make a one night stand. "I was missing you."

I think I was. It was all about missing Anya. And ok, a bit of curiosity.

All right, a lot of curiosity. And being horny. A lot of being horny. Ok, and having fun.

Anya snuggles closer to me.

"Well, that's ok. We were apart for several weeks. As long as it wasn't emotional, I understand if you felt the need to have sexual intercourse. After all we have been doing it at least once a day for the past two years. To expect you to completely stop is unreasonable."

I can't say anything. That's all it was. Sex withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, that's why I let a vampire fuck me up the ass. That's why I made love with Spike.

I squeeze Anya tighter and try to go back to sleep.

*********

I honk the car horn. It's still light out and I'm not bloody frying my arse just to knock on the whelp's door.

After a couple of minutes the passenger door opens.

"Hey Spike, can you honk that horn any louder, Mrs Evans hasn't quite called the cops yet."

"Get a move on Harris, would like to see at least some of the concert if that's all right with you."

He throws an overnight back onto the back seat, climbs in and shuts the door.

**********

I grin. I've been looking forward to this concert for weeks. This is going to be fucking cool. Going to L.A. going to see a band. Hang out with Spike. Ok, so that's a sign of how bizarre my life has become, that hanging out with Spike is on the list of highlights in my life. But it is. Ok, so he tried to kill us like, often, and he can be a real prick sometimes, but lately he's been pretty cool. He actually seems to care about Dawn and he helps out all the time and I can't remember the last time he asked for money. I'm pretty sure the girls have been buying him blood. And I know Willow gives him cookies.

And since I got back with Anya I've actually had a pretty good time just hanging out with him too. Seriously. Just hanging out having good buddy times. Doing absolutely no groin-related activities. It's weird, like he actually wants to be in my company even though we're not fucking. Which is sort of cool. Cause we do have a pretty good time just with the hanging out. Actual laughs. And those cool philosophical discussions like some of the guys at work have. You know, about really technical stuff. Like the science of the Matrix.

"So who's on Dawnster Duty tonight?" I ask.

"Witches," he says and starts the car. Some old punk rock band starts blaring out of the speakers. High definition. Spike's got a pretty good sound system. Oh and I just realise that he probably killed someone for it.

"So, um, looking forward to the big Offspring concert?" I ask, trying to think up some conversation. It was never this hard before. Or maybe I just didn't care about being nice to Spike. I don't know why it matters so much, but I like hanging out with him and…it just matters.

*********

Wouldn't admit it but I'm looking forward to this bloody concert. Wouldn't tell him that though.

I shrug. "Like a hole in the head. But something to do innit?"

He rolls his eyes. "You know you don't have to come. I can make myself an easy twenty bucks on that ticket I'll have you know."

I smirk. "Ah, but then you wouldn't have the pleasure of my company all the way to L.A. and back, would you?"

"Oh yeah, of course. Be still my beating heart."

I glance over at the whelp. He's sitting back in the seat like he always does, as if he's draped there. Don't think I've ever once seen the kid sit up straight. Those broad shoulders of his, sort of bent, like he's trying to blend into his surroundings, not make himself obvious. Kid's got an insecurity complex a mile wide. Shouldn't do, Harris has nothing to be ashamed about. Can be a self righteous prick at times, but all the same, he's damn funny and bloody loyal, always trying to do the right thing. And brave, though he can come across as a coward, as a bit useless, but that kid'd die for those he loved without thinking. Bloody stupid, but you've got to admire that. Saved me once. Stupid idiot. He's intelligent too, though he hides it under stupid remarks - easier to play the fool I spose. No risk appearing dumb if everyone thinks you are anyway. Kid needs a bloody shrink.

*********

We're going to stay in a motel in L.A. Wills suggested we visit Angel but Spike was very expressive about his feelings in regard to that particular plan. And yeah I wasn't exactly in love with the idea either. It's not that I hate Angel, I just, well, he's still not my favourite vamp. Something to do with being terrorised by him. True Spike has also terrorised us, and knocked me unconscious once…and tried to turn us all against each other… Ok, so it's irrational, but hey, I'm allowed to hate someone unreasonably. It's got nothing to do with knowing what Spike and Angel used to do. It has so not got anything to do with jealousy.

Besides, I still hate Spike. I just like him a bit more now.

**********

We drive in silence for a while 'cept for the dulcet tones of the Sex Pistols. I look over at Harris and he's staring off through a hole in the blackening on the car window.

Yeah, been thinking about Harris too much lately. Yes, about fucking him. Can't be healthy that. Particularly as he's settled himself back nicely into the role of good little heterosexual boyfriend again. Not that I mind. I mean, least one of us is getting laid regularly. Always knew I was just a convenient male body for him to experiment with, explore his sexuality, all that. And me, well I got a couple of good shags out of it. Made me forget Buffy for a bit. And somehow it seems better to wank off thinking bout Harris than her. Seems wrong to think about Buffy like that now. Sides, makes me bloody miserable.

Still hang out with the whelp a bit, play pool, catch some games on the tele, that sort of useless stereotypical male activity. Not as much though, as before, just - don't particularly feel like watching him and his ex demon chick get all lovey dovey. Rather not vomit copiously thanks all the same.

And you know, it would be much bloody easier not to think about shagging Harris if the git didn't keep glancing at me the way he does. If I didn't keep catching him looking at me when he's supposed to be bloody looking at the nice innocent football game on tv. Would be much bloody easier not to think about his dick up my arse, burning me like fire. Much bloody easier not to imagine fucking him hard, surrounded by his heat. And it would be much fucking easier not to think about that stupid wide-eyed look he had when I made him cum the last time.

Fuck.

"Spike?" Xander is looking at me. Got lost there for a minute.

"What?"

***********

Ok, what's up his butt?

"Ok, I know this is just setting myself up for an insult, but tell me again why did we decide that you get to drive?"

"Cause, you're not drivin' this car. EVER. An' I'm not driving your heap of shit all the way to L.A. And, I'm not getting in a car with you behind the wheel, more's the point."

Oh and there it is, insult right on queue.

"Uhuh, it's that macho vamp thing isn't it. Must drive the car. Ug me male. Bring on the chest beating."

He smirks.

"I thought it was you lot that was descended from apes."

"Excuse me, you were human once. And hello, vampires are way more neanderthal than humans are."

"Hey, don’t start getting all nasty bout the wrinkly brows. If you humans are the height of evolution, seeing as we eat you, ipso facto we out rank you on Darwin's little survival of the fittest gig."

"So what's that make a slayer then?'

"Freak of nature," he says.

And it pretty much goes downhill from there, until it's a healthy round of "I know you are but what am I?"

**********

"Idiot," I say.

"I know you are, but what am I?" he says for the twentieth bloody time. He's worse than bleeding Harmony.

"A very silly little pillock, who will get himself a right good spankin' if he doesn't shut the bloody hell up."

**********

"I know you a-" A spanking?

"Ooh Spike, kinky," I say in my best camp Big Gay Al voice.

"Mate, you have no idea." And he gives me this look. Ok, time to gulp, cause it was the same look he gave me the…the Operation night.

Then he smirks.

He's joking. Ha ha. The joking is good right? That's what buddies do, they joke. It's comfortable and friendly and very not awkward. So I'm a bit jumpy about the whole guy on guy thing at the moment. Doesn't mean Spike wants to have sex with me anymore. He hasn't even mentioned it, in fact he acts like it never happened. Which is good. Cause I know he doesn't have any feelings for me. I know he's still got this thing for Buffy. Which I kind of sympathise with, I actually believe he loved her now. Just things he's done. He's still helping out, even though she's dead, even though there's not a big chance he's gonna get into her pants.

Uh, better say something in response, show I’m not even thinking about Kinky Spike.

"Oh and too much information?" I say in my best ew voice.

*********

Yeah Harris, you wouldn't want to know the half of it. Wouldn't mind handcuffing him to a bed sometime. Show him a thing or two I'll warrant his little demon girl never showed him.

Sodding hell. I'm hard again.

Funny thing is, Harris is only the second human I've ever shagged. Him and a blonde bint in France, but I was about to kill her so it's not exactly the same. Don't get me wrong, wasn't rape, she was willing, just, didn't know there wasn't going to be much of an afterglow so to speak. Dru went right off her nut when I told her. Couldn't understand it at the time, cause you know, feeding's very sexual and it's not exactly uncommon to cut out the metaphor and just do it, but now I think back, maybe she saw it as a prelude to my feelings for Buffy. Or maybe she just knew how much I liked it. Or maybe she was having Angelus flashbacks again. Either way it wasn't worth the grief to do it again. And, well, since Dru, there's been Harmony, there's been a robot and there's been Alexander Harris.

Being inside a human, having them inside you, its unbelievable, the heat, the blood in their veins, so close to the surface. Bloody intoxicating.

Not like I lust after blokes usually. 'Nother first with Harris I s'pose. Only other bloke I ever lusted after had bloody stupid poofy hair and was a right bastard.

**********

Oh god, I just looked at Spike's crotch. What is wrong with me? So I still think about Spike and the sex with Spike. So what. It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. Like, sometimes I think about when I had sex with Faith, sure I usually wake up screaming, but it's still thinking about it. I mean it was pretty good sex. The Spike sex I mean, not the Faith sex, it would be weird to just forget about it. It's normal to think about great sex, right? When I broke up with Anya I still thought about sex with her, not that I broke up with Spike because you have to be together to break up. But still, you get my point. It's ok, right?

*********

I concentrate on the road. Two weeks. It's only been two weeks. Have to think bout something else, because bloody hell, I'm not obsessed with Xander. So I want him. So I want to lick that chest of his and have his body wrap around me again. So bloody what.

Thing is, he's made it perfectly clear how he feels. I've got some pride you know. Not going to let him know I've been wanting him. If he knows that, the sadistic little bastard will never let me live it down. Kid's got a mean streak in him worse than Angelus. And what good would it get me anyway, if I told him? He wants his soft human girlfriend, not some chipped pathetic vampire.

Need a shag. Maybe I should pick someone up tonight.

*********

I glance over at Spike and he's watching the road. Now would be a good time to talk about something manly.

"Hey did you see Crocodile Hunter the other night?"

Spike snorts.

"Fucking psycho."

"Now Spike," I say. "You've got admire a guy who spends his time messing around things with big teeth."

***********

"What, like you?" I leer. And flash him some fang. "You trying to tell me you've got some knackers hidden away there Harris?"

The whelp gives me a fake shocked look.

"Come back and say that when you can actually bite someone, fangless," he says.

I look at him.

"Xander, really, I'm hurt. Oh wait, no I'm not."

He grins. "Admit it Spike, you just wish you were as big and tough and sexy as Steve Irwin."

And I have to laugh cause that's the most fucking ridiculous thing he's said today. I know who's bloody sexy. Ridiculous boy.

************

Spike is talking complete shit, he was so not in Nazi Germany.

"So you're trying to tell me you met Hitler."

"Yeah. Me and Dru crashed one of them flash dinner parties some top notch Nazi git was holding."

"Uhuh, and this was before or after you flew a plane in the Battle for Britain?"

"Before o'course. Pay attention."

Okkaayyy.

"Spike, you know I don't believe a word you're saying?"

"An' why the fuck not? I've been alive for over a hundred and twenty years. Got to do something to kill the time. What, you think me and Dru sat about plotting to take over the world all the time. Get bloody boring real quick that would."

Spike's stories all begin with "Me and Dru". I guess he must have done pretty much everything with her. Which is kind of nice…I guess. In an obsessive psychotic vampire killing team kind of way. I mean, no wonder he was so cut up when she dumped him. I guess she really was his best friend.

"No, I think you spent the majority of your existence smoking, having sex and eating innocent people."

"Well, yeah," he admits. "There was a fair bit of that. But in the pursuit of those worthy activities, we also did some historically interesting things. Blimmin' hell, Harris, from all the documentaries featuring old geezers wittering on about their pasts, you'd think there'd be some interest in a bloke who'd actually been there and still had all his faculties."

It's fun riling Spike. All right, suicidal, if he didn't have the chip. He gets so indignant. Funny.

And I know he enjoys it too. There's this almost grin hovering there. I guess he likes the conflict.

"You're right Spike, I should have more respect for the elderly. Want me to mush up your food for you?"

************

Trip goes pretty quickly. Whelp babbles on bout all sorts of gobshite. He's not bad company, if he can stop being a comedian for one second. Let him take over the radio for a bit. Some damn awful caterwauling from some prepubescent girl group is wailing on right now. I pull into the motel we're staying at. Anya booked a room for us over the Internet. I told her I'd find us a place to stay but apparently she doubted my abilities to find precious little Xander here appropriate shelter.

"Right, let's drop our stuff off and get to this concert," I say.

Harris nods.

We go and get the key from reception. All booked and paid for, lovely. Remind me to thank the whelp's girlfriend when we get back.

Xander unlocks the door, seeing as it was his credit card and signature and all. Nice enough room as motel rooms go. Minimal six legged life. Non-smoking apparently. Thank you Anyanka. Like I'd smoke in the room anyway. Have some self restraint. Ok, I would, but only after sex, and it's not like I'll be havin' any of that.

Two beds. Tele. Oh and cable.

Nice.

***********

I dump my overnight bag on the floor. Ooh little coffee and sugar sachets. And towels folded neatly on the beds with little guest soaps.

I open the mini fridge. Empty. For some reason An' refused to book anywhere that had a mini bar. You'd swear she didn't trust us. Spike pops in his bags of blood, that have been keeping cool wrapped up with a couple of cold packs. In a Hello Kitty bag. He claims it's Dawn's.

You'll notice I said beds. Two of them. One each. One for me and one for Spike.

Separate.

Why do motel rooms always make me horny?

I glance up and Spike's looking at me. He drops his Hello Kitty bag on the bed (snicker), and sort of coughs.

"Right, come on Harris, let's get going," he says.

************

We head into the club where the Offspring are playing. Lots of little teenage girls giggling and squealing. And I know this is Harris's idea of heavy music. Sad. Still, coulda been worse. Coulda been that bint I've caught him listening to, Christina Bloody Aguilera.

Wonder if he picked this band cause of me.

Shut up, you pathetic, dead git.

**********

We grab some beers and sit back and watch the support band. They're pretty good and sound a lot like some of the groups that play at the Bronze. Cool. Spike's doing some people watching. Which involves him watching the crowd then leaning over to me and making witty comments about whoever had the misfortune to attract his attention. Ok, so I do it too. We amuse ourselves.

Shut up. I am so not as bad as Spike.

**********

Finally the Offspring get their arses out on stage.

"Hey, Xander, 'm going to go dance a bit, you want to?"

He looks positively terrified.

"With you?"

"No, moron, in the mosh pit." I shake my head. "For fuck's sake."

**********

He looks disgusted. Good one Xander. Yes, Spike would really want to dance with you. Dummy. Crap.

***********

Bloody hell, as if I'd want to dance with him. Press my body up against his and grind against him, writhing together in time to our own lust ridden rhythm. Not bloody likely.

"Yeah, duh Spike," he says.

Oh. He was kidding.

*********

I'm thinking, right now a nice energetic jump around in the mosh pit would be a really good idea.

**********

It's a stinking, hot, sweaty, seething mass of humanity. Screaming out, laughing and yelling along to the music coming from the stage. I can hear hearts pounding all around me. Hear and smell the rushing blood. It's intoxicating. Best fun you can have short of killing and shagging. There's pushing, punching and kicking, and blokes and chits being handed over the top of everyone. I'm only doing the pushing, sodding chip.

I've lost Harris. He's in here somewhere.

*********

Oh and ow? Ok, I'm going to be the big wuss boy and get out of the mosh pit.

*********

I make my way out of the pit. Disengaging from the hot flesh and blood scent. Most of the sweat I'm covered with isn't mine. Bloody good fun all round.

*********

And I'm going to sound like a great big girly man again, cause walking out of the crowd of people into actual breathable air is one of the fucking best feelings in the world.

I take a deep breath as the sudden refreshing relative coolness hits me. I find a convenient wall and lean against it.

Wonder where Spike is?

*********

I see Harris. He's covered in sweat, his hair's stuck to his forehead and that bloody stupid shirt of his is torn open. And he's panting a bit, eyes wide.

I'm hard.

********

Spike is standing right in front of me. And he's all…hot and breathing heavily. Which I know he doesn't need to do but seems to do all the time anyway.

Ok, taking a deep breath too now, because he's all taut muscle in that shirt and you can practically feel the pent up energy radiating off him. And he's looking at me. Just…standing there, looking at me. And way too close.

********

Dexter Holland is screaming out something about balls and chains.

And I just look at Xander. Those bloody wide brown eyes looking back at me. And yeah, not exactly having the purest of thoughts at present.

And fuck it all to hell.

Then he moves as I move.

And oh god yeah, we're kissing.

*******

And his lips are on mine. And oh god, it feels good. I grip his arm roughly and he's not even touching me with his hands. Just lips of Spike. Tongue of Spike. Did I just whimper? I'll take that as a yes. And oh, hands now, his hand on my hip and one on my arm and it's too tight, but oh fuck, have I mentioned it feels good?

******

The whelp's tongue's in my mouth and this is turning out to be the best bloody idea I've had all night. And he's hard. Hard like me as I press my groin into him and hold him tight against me.

*******

Spike grinds his hard on against mine and I rock my hips against him. He feel's like he's all tight jeans and cock and muscles. Oh god, I can't believe that turns me on.

Ok, got to breathe.

********

The whelp pulls back, gasping. He looks at me all confused. Time for the bloody gentle let down speech or the get off me speech, or more bloody likely, the ew gross much speech. I look at Xander. Yeah I'm panting. Can't help it. The whelp licks his lips.

Then we're at it again.

I want him. And I don't bloody care.

********

Oh god, Spike. I hold him to me. His body is hard, and ok, I've been thinking about exactly this. This is wrong. There's definitely some wrongage. But am so not thinking about that now.

**********

I press Xander back up against the wall. We're groping each other and snogging and he's making all those good sounds.

"Bloody hell, I've missed this," I breathe.

Bugger, I said that out loud. Don't care. It's true. Have bloody wanted to do this for weeks now. Every time he makes some half-funny remark at my expense, and every time he makes some self-deprecating comment. I crush my mouth on his, before he can say something now.

**********

And ok, my brain's starting to kick in now. Spike missed this? Spike's been wanting me?

Oh fuck. Anya.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

"Spike-" I manage to say.

"Yeah?" he asks and oh, he's…

I grab at his hand just as he's starting on my zip.

"What?" he asks, and looks confused.

Crap.

"Spike - stop."

**********

Oh. Anya. Of course.

Fanbloodytastic.

**********

Spike pulls away and leans back against the wall. He lets out a deep breath.

Crap.

I'm supposed to feel proud of myself right? Cause I did the right thing? And didn't cheat on my girlfriend. But actually all I'm feeling is horny and…a bit sick. Crap. And Spike is just leaning against the wall, his eyes shut. Crap.

************

I close my eyes. Ok. Kid doesn't want to. Not like I'm desperate for him. Bit of a shag in the back of the car would've been nice, but not like I can't live without it. Can't let him think I give a shit about this.

I open my eyes.

"Want a beer?" I ask.

*************

I swallow hard and nod. And I just do the wall leaning thing. Ahh nice. Comfortable, non-judgemental, wall. Oh god. I kissed Spike. Ok, so I didn't fuck Spike, but kissage is not good. And the wanting to fuck Spike? Very much of the bad. Sleeping with Spike is so not a possibility. I can't have sex with Spike, or do any sticky touchy feely things either. It's just…I just can't. It's just wrong. And it's not just because of Anya's old life as a vengeance demon. It's, well, she's great to me and lovely and she doesn't suspect a thing, and what kind of prick takes advantage of that. And we just got back together.

Even if I do want Spike. Which is so very, very, not helping.

**********

I come back with a couple of beers and hand one to the whelp. I glance at him. And he's studiously not looking at me.

Bloody hell. Bloody pathetic this is. S'pose I'd better say something. Lighten the mood up. Act as if nothing happened.

He beats me to it.

"And you wanted to go see Anal Cunt," he says.

**********

Spike smirks.

"Heard good things bout that band. Probably would've got a bit of headache though if I wore razor blades into the mosh pit."

"Nice Spike. You're a really swell guy, you know that?"

He chuckles.

"Yeah, mate, I'm real swell." And there's just something in his tone and he looks away.

Crap.

**********

end of part 5

Not Anya.