"Everything...you told me was a lie?" Buffy looked at Willow.

"Yup! Including that I'm old...I wanna be special like everyone else." Willow pouted angrily but grinned once again when Tara put an arm around her.

Buffy glared, "I can't believe this happening!" She blinked rapidly, "I am the Slayer! I am supposed to be stopping things like that!!"

"Don't call my son a that, he has a name," Zakari matched her glare.

"Dad and dad are done having sex!" Lindsey suddenly called down.

Zakari's body tensed and his eyes shut. "God...mental image...I did not need to have that picture of my son..."

Lindsey grinned evilly, "I just thought you might want to know and all!"

Oz pulled his lover close, "Linds, try to keep it so he only lectures you, not bites your head off."

"He wouldn't! Would he?"

"Just try me," Zakari smirked, his fangs glittering. He stared at Angel and Buffy, sniffing the air. "Useless bags of meat."

"Well, I wouldn't say *totally* useless..." All eyes turned toward Xander as he sauntered into the room, followed by a dazed and suspiciously cheerful Spike.

Zakari firmly banished any thoughts involving Spike and/or Xander in a state of...undress. Instead, he raised an eyebrow and asked curiously, "Oh? And why is that?"

Xander snickered. "Well, she does come in a bit handy when we end up having to save the world. All the baddies tend to go straight for her, since they don't see the rest of us as much of a threat. Plus, she can be a laugh a minute."

Spike snuggled up to his husband. "Xan's right," he agreed, which surprised most of the people in the room. "What? It's bloody hilarious watchin' her screw up her love life. She's either all googly-eyed over some clod, or depressed 'cause she'd been dumped. And trust me...drunk Buffy is always good for an evening's entertainment."

Buffy's face turned almost purple. "Why you--!"

"Attractive, deadly, sexy as hell...What?" Spike grinned.

"Dad, in the afterglow of sex..."

"No more talk of sex!!!" Zakari glared at everyone, "Is that understood?!"

"...You're just mad 'cause you're not getting any," Xander smirked. "I got this really neat idea." He leaned over, whispering in his father's ear. The smile that slowly curled the old vampire's lips could only be described as truly evil.

"Wonderful. Absolutely...evil."

Xander bounced on the ball of his feet with a huge grin. "I learned from Spike!"

Zakari gazed at his son-in-law. "Maybe Spike will be a good member of the family." Xander giggled, latching onto Spike. "Well then, Dasani has decided to be...nice."

Everyone looked at Xander except Buffy and Angel, who gave sighs of relief, thinking their friend had come back to his senses. "Angel, he got an idea of how to keep your soul in place." The same evil grin twisted his lips, "Guess how."

Angel glared. "I don't trust you," he said flatly. "Why would I listen to anything you say? And why you even want to help me?"

Zakari gave him a measuring look. "Who said anything about helping, boy? Do I *look* like I want to help you?"

"Then what are you talking about?" Angel frowned in consternation.

"Angel! Don't talk to him!" Buffy hissed, still giving Spike the evil eye.

"Buffy, it's my soul they're talking about, I want to know what's going on!"

Zakari gestured toward his son. "Dasani? Care to enlighten him?"

Xander grinned. "I think it should be a surprise, he could--hey!" He paled a bit, glancing between Angel and his husband. "Um...Spike? He's like your Sire and all, right?"

Spike stared at him. "At the risk of sounding like Buffy over there...duh!"

Xander swallowed. "So, would that make him, like...my father-in-law?" He shuddered. "Ewww, gross!"

Spike patted his head. "There, there. There, there. Even if the poof doesn't get what you two are saying. Can I get in on it?"

Xander wrapped his arms around the vampire's neck. "That could be fun. Fun time for all, except Angel."

"What do you mean?" Angel furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Gee, Gel-For-Brains," Xander smacked his head, "What caused you to lose your soul?" He waited for the look of enlightenment. "And how do you suppose we'll get rid of it? Keep in mind me and Spike and dad don't exactly like you but...you work for the Powers that Be, we can't kill you for that. Any ideas?"

Angel went paler than he all ready was as it clicked.

Buffy frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm not explaining further! The hints were blunt enough!!!" Xander pointed a finger, which had grown a long claw, at her. "Sorry, okay, better now. Let's get this over with so I can have more....not-sex-things with Spike."

Zakari groaned. "You did it again! Stop that!"

"What?" Xander shot him an innocent look. "I didn't say anything about sex, did I Spike?"

"Didn't hear a word, pet." Spike took hold of his hand and kissed it. "Now, could we bloody well get to doing some not-sex-things so I can take Xander here and do some...erm, *other* not-sex-things with him?"

"Argh!" Zakari glared at his son and son-in-law, shaking a fist. "Enough! My son may be a married man now, but he is still as pure and innocent as a newborn babe. I won't have you trying to make me think otherwise!" He crossed his arms over his chest.

Spike blinked, glanced at Xander, then mumbled, "You think he means newborn Wargol demons? I'm telling you, those boys are born with a sex drive like you wouldn't *believe*, and spend their whole lives doing nothin' but eating and shagging." He cocked his head as he stared at Xander. "Dunno how he could mistake you for one of those, though."

"Ahhhhh!"

~~~~~

Angel sat in the back of the cage, arms wrapped tightly around his legs even as blood pooled under him. Buffy was off to the side, vomiting whatever she had eaten. Doyle frowned at Angel. "He gonna live?"

"Unfortunately," Spike said between licking at Xander's fingers. The young demon giggled at the sensation.

Zakari made it a point to not look at the two lovers. "If he's not dust, he'll be fine."

"Xander, *why*?!" Buffy demanded when she had control over herself again.

Xander pouted, even as Spike went to clean his other hand. "I just wanted to make sure he'd never loose his soul again. This was the only way. ...Okay, not the only way but...the only one we were willing to try. Hey, Spike, what are you...ohh..." Xander's protest melted into a groaned as Spike neatly bit into his wrist.

Spike grinned and suckled gently, grinding his hips against his husband's thigh. With a heady moan, Xander reached down and started stroking the insistent swelling that Spike kept rubbing against him.

Buffy watched this display, and it only added to her nausea. "Would you *stop* that?!"

Zakari wrinkled his nose as he watched his son twist and slice his own fangs into Spike's skin. "Yes, please do. You’re ruining my illusions of my son's innocence."

Doyle snickered. "Innocent? *Xander*? Are you on drugs or something?"

Zakari glared. "Don't make me take you over my knee, boy."

Doyle blinked, then wilted back.

Zakari snorted, then turned his attention to Buffy. "Now...what should we do with you, my dear?" A positively evil smirk crossed his face.

"Let me go?" she offered.

Zakari’s mouth dropped open, "Of course! What a positively evil idea!" Buffy beamed and he glared. "I'm not stupid."

Xander dragged Spike up for a kiss, keeping them there for a minute. "Oooh! What about that water pump thing you said you did to that one kid?"

"Refresh my memory, I'm old." The old vampire looked to his son and son-in-law.

It was becoming increasingly hard for Xander to think as Spike wrapped around his back and began to nibble at his neck. "Remember? You like...shoved him onto the water pump and...gah."

"Oh yes! That *was* amusing, gave me a blood supply for my patients for weeks."

"Let's not get hasty!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Hasty. Hasty is good," Xander mumbled as Spike continued to nip and lick at him. He arched his back, hissing.

"You boys *do* have a room, don't you?" Zakari tapped his foot, waiting.

Spike left off his torment of Xander long enough to answer, "Yeah. That place where Xanny went all alpha and fucked me through the mattress, right?" He darted his head back down.

"Might I remind you that we're trying to get something done here? So either go somewhere I can't see you and...do things, or stay here and help with her!"

Spike froze, then he and Xander groaned simultaneously. "You mean we gotta choose between sex and torture? That's not fair!"

Xander glared, "You're so mean to me."

Zakari chuckled, "I am a soulless vampire, Dasani." He clape dhis hands together. "So, boys, what'll it be?"

Spike pondered that, head resting on Xander's shoulder. "Well...torture of Buffy only happens now...And we can have sex the rest of the time."

Xander giggled and Zakari rolled his eyes. "Well, then would you two mind being at least a few inches apart? You look like you'll become one at any moment."

"Mmm, I like that idea."

A frustrated scream brought their attention to Buffy. "Either kill me or stop doing icky thing! I mean...ewww!"

Spike smirked. "Well, you heard the chit. And since we're prob'ly not gonna stop doing 'icky things', I guess we have to kill her."

"Yeah, I mean, wouldn't want to disappoint her when she asked so nicely." Xander's evil smirk matched Spike's.

Buffy paled. "Um, I mean...look, that's not what I meant. I..." She started backing up as spike and Xander advanced upon her. A pair of hands fastened onto her shoulders, and she twisted her head around to see Doyle holding her fast and grinning.

"What, leaving so soon?"

Buffy shook herself, seeming to remember that she possessed enhanced Slayer strength. Moving quickly, she grabbed hold of Doyle's arm and flipped him over her head. Winded, the half-demon glared up at her from the floor.

"Ha, take that. Slayer one, bad guys nothing." Buffy smiled.

Lindsey looked to Oz, "I thought we had like...fifty or something on her."

"Sssh, she doesn't know that."

"Okay, that pissed me off! No one messes with my big brother except me! And...maybe Spike!" Through his anger at Buffy, Xander had slipped back into his demon body. "I had to put up with you for six years and I don't need it!"

Doyle now smirked at Buffy, who was looking a bit worried. "Nothing like a few years of repressed aggression to come out in a violent matter."

Buffy was back to looking rather pale and even the slightest bit intimidated. "Now Xander, you don't really meant th--"

Xander jumped forward and grabbed Buffy by the throat, cutting of her hasty words. He tightened his grip as he lifted, ignoring the tiny feet kicking at his shins. "Do *not* tell me what I mean, Slayer!" he snarled, snapping his fangs at her.

Buffy clawed at the hand holding her up, choking and gasping for air. "Xa--an...c-can' br..."

Spike sidled up next to his husband. "Now luv, if you kill her now, you'll take all the fun out of it. 'Sides," he pouted, "you said I could have a go at her, too."

Xander flashed a look at Spike. "But-" Spike gave him a long kiss. "Okay, I guess. But I'm not liking it. At least not until I get another kiss." Spike was only too happy to do so.

"Uh, Xan," Doyle broke in, "she's turnin' blue."

Xander blinked, "Oh. Oops..." He dropped her to the ground, slipping his arms around Spike's neck. The vampire smiled cruelly at Buffy, who was still trying to come to grips with her rising downfall. "Could we hurry up her death? I wanna go to my room," he purred in Spike's ear.

Lindsey shook his head, leaning against Oz. "I must say, this is the best wedding reception I have *ever* been to."

"Hey, demons know how to party," Oz grinned at his lover.

Lindsey kissed him eagerly, showing with his tongue how much he agreed with that statement.

Buffy glared up at them as she coughed and rubbed her neck. "I changed my mind," she rasped out. "You can definitely kill me now."

Xander twitched as he watched his son sucking face with the werewolf. Finally, he growled. "Lindsey! Not in front of me, ok? My god, what are you thinking making out in front of your father?"

The sound of crickets chirping filled the room as everyone stared at Xander in bemusement.

"What?" Xander turned to his husband. "What?? Was it something I said?"

"I have only been saying that...oh never mind. No one listens to me," Zakari sighed.

"Maybe we should find you a girlfriend or boyfriend and you can make out with them and we can be all 'ew! That's yucky!'." Xander looked from Buffy to Spike, who were giving him weird looks, "What? I'm only 101, I'm still a kid!"

Zakari shook his head, "I knew I should have had a teenage pregnancy talk with him..."

Buffy yelped as Spike suddenly grabbed her by the throat. "Think we forgot about you, luv? Nope."

Buffy thrashed in his grasp, "You said you loved me!" She was willing to try anything to get out of here.

"Consider it a mid-death crisis."

"You said you loved *her*?" Zakari stared at his son-in-law with something suspiciously like disappointment.

Spike glared back. "Sod off," he growled. "Maybe you should have a chat with your little guardian, Red. *She's* the one almost made me marry her that time." He shuddered in remembrance. "Think it was left over from that spell. Never did like all that mojo, tends to go wrong too often."

"Indeed?" Zakari mulled that over. "Perhaps I *will* have a chat with young Willow."

Satisfied that he had diverted attention from himself and his momentary lapse in judgement, Spike turned back to Buffy. "S'pose you should be glad you're not a bloke," he commented. "No prick to chop off, we'll have to find something else."

Xander looked thoughtful. "Tongue? She tends to be less annoying when you don't have to listen to her whine."

"How delightful," Spike rewarded him a kiss before his fingers worked into Buffy's mouth and was able to rip out her tongue. She gave a gargling scream. Xander grinned approvingly. "What's next, Xan? I'm taking requests."

Xander draped himself against Spike. "Show me why they call you Spike? Ever since Giles read that I just had to know."

Spike frowned slightly, even though his eyes glittered with amusement. "Well, not sure..."

"Pleeeeeeeeease?" Xander batted his puppy dog eyes.

Spike rolled his eyes and grinned widely. "Oh, all right." He shook his head and sighed. "Y'see that?" he said to Lindsey. "Got me wrapped around his little finger, he does."

Xander nipped at the finger in question. "Not yet," he growled in a husky voice before yanking Spike towards him and kissing him soundly.

Zakari covered his eyes and whimpered softly, while Oz and Lindsey started to clap enthusiastically. "Whooo, go Dad!" Lindsey shouted.

Xander was grinning when he released a rather dazed Spike. He gave a parting lip to the vampire's pouting lower lip, then turned to his son. "Linds, would you go get Spike some of his new 'toys'." He smirked at Buffy, who was kneeling on the floor coughing blood. "I think it's time for my husband to break in some of those lovely presents he got.

Spike wrapped around Xander's body. "How did I miss you for so long?" he questioned as Lindsey practically *skipped* to get the weapons.

"Drusilla?" Xander offered. He frowned as he noticed Buffy trying to crawl away, leaving a trail of blood. Looking rather innocent, he kicked her. Hard. "Ooo, I knocked out some of her teeth!" he giggled as said teeth were spit out.

Spike grinned, "Dru ain't got nothing on you. Plus you're sane."

Zakari shook his head, "I'm pondering if I should be disturbed by this all or proud my son's growing into a healthy young demon."

"Both?" Xander grinned and took the weapons that Lindsey held out. "Hey, Linds, you and Oz don't have to stay here, you know. There is a bedroom around here."

Lindsey smirked, "How did you know that's what I was thinking, dad?"

Xander cast a look at Spike, waggled his eyebrows and leered, then looked back at Lindsey. "You really have to ask?"

Lindsey snorted with laughter. "Great minds think alike, huh?"

"Whatever." Xander waved a hand. "Go on, go on. Go do...*things* with Oz there, and I'll just pretend you're showing him some...paintings."

Oz snickered and looped his arm through Lindsey's. "Yeah, Lindsey," he breathed in the other man's ear. "Why don't you show me your *paintings."

Lindsey swallowed hard, lashed his father a grateful smile, and then dragged Oz out of the room.

"God," Zakari muttered. "My entire family is composed of nymphomaniacs. What are the chances of that?"

"Well, obviously the odds were somewhat good-" Giles commented polishing his glasses. He coughed as Zakari gave him a look, "Oh was that a rhetorical question?" The vampire gave a sarcastic smile and nodded.

Spike twirled the knives in his hands before having Xander sit on the floor. "Hey, if I'm a good boy and watch this all the way through, will you show me your paintings?" he leered.

Spike snorted, "Anytime, luv, anytime." He grabbed Buffy by the back of her neck, hauling her up before slamming one knife into the palm of her hand and to the wall. The gesture was repeated on the other hand and Buffy was pinned. "Oh it is *so* good to be back."

Buffy writhed against the wall, opening her mouth to make gurgling sounds of protest. The only thing she managed to accomplish, though, was to send a spray of blood across Spike’s face.

Spike lifted a hand, swiped it over his face, then licked his bloody fingers. His eyes glittered with malice as he studied the Slayer. "I ever tell you that the blood of a Slayer is rumored to be an aphrodisiac?" he called over his shoulder to Xander.

"Oh *really*?" Xander shivered at the thought.

"Good lord." Zakari moaned. "Like the two of you *need* any help?" He growled at Spike. "Would you just get *on* with it already?"

Eyes wide with pain and fear, Buffy sought Giles out, shooting him a pleading glance. More garbled sounds issued forth from her mouth.

Giles blinked. "I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that," he said smoothly before turning his back on her.

"Woah, go Giles," Xander said quietly, giving the older man an admiring look. Then he blew a kiss at Spike. "Hurry up, oh husband of mine. The honeymoon chamber awaits."

Spike raised an eyebrow but began to slice into Buffy's flesh. The girl writhed back and forth, gurgling a parody of a scream. Spike rummaged through the small pack that held his weapons now and pulled out an old railroad spike, from Willow no less. "Where to put this one....where to put this one...Any suggestions, Buff?"

Her eyes widened and she shook her head. "What?" Spike looked mockingly shocked. "You want me to put it down there? Really, isn't that what Farmboy was for? But you ARE the one dying."

The air was filled with the sound of ripping fabric as Spike shoved the spike up and into her. Xander fell back, giggling madly like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. "You'll have to have it cleaned before you use it again, Spikey. We don't want anyone catching Buffy germs."

A look of distaste crossed Spike's face. "Damn." he muttered harshly. "Didn't think of that." Then he shook himself. "Well, we'll just leave it there for now then, shall we?" He sifted through his toys again. "Ah!" He held up a pair of long, thin metal spikes.

Xander's eyes widened dramatically. "Whatcha gonna do with those?"

Spike gave him a mischievous grin, then grabbed Buffy's head tightly. "Try not to move, luv, unless you *want* me to slip."

Buffy shrieked loudly, squirming as much as she could in Spike's grasp as the needle-like objects slowly punctured each of her eyes.

Spike pulled back, grinning evilly although Buffy couldn't see it. Xander pressed against his back. "You are *such* an artist," he commented, nipping at Spike's throat.

Zakari raised an eyebrow at his son-in-law, "I am...in awe. I guess you really are good for my boy."

"That's what I've been trying to say!" Xander complained. Zakari shook his head. "Damn selective hearing." He cuddled against Spike, pouting and enjoying Buffy gurgling whimpers.

Spike frowned at the Slayer. "You know, somehow, I thought this would be more fun. Not much of a challenge, is she?"

Zakari shrugged as he studied the Slayer. "Personally, I think her looks have been much improved. Then again, that *is* just my opinion."

"Oh, I agree. Definitely." Doyle nodded. "Don't know her too well, but I am *really* liking this look."

"Well," Giles added, "I do know her well, unfortunately. And I must say, I enjoyed the bit with the tongue. Not one of her best features, she'll be better off without it."

Xander rolled his eyes. "Well, glad everyone's happy. Me? I'm horny. And I have a new hubby who needs to shag me unconscious." He turned soulful eyes on Zakari. "You mind finishing up here, Dad?"

"If I can rid myself of that image, yes." Zakari shook his head, "Welcome to the family, William."

Spike smiled and pulled Xander to him, kissing the man lovingly. "Glad to be here. Daddy."

Zakari groaned.

The End!