*****

"Excuse me, what?" Buffy gaped at her friend in blatant disbelief. Xander was sprawled comfortably on the sofa, arm draped behind Anya's shoulders. Both were smiling at the look of total confusion and disbelief on the Slayer's face.

Xander shrugged casually. "I said, I'm gay. I figured it was about time to tell you all."

Willow examined him intently, then blushed furiously. "Oh, *bad* mental images!" she muttered under her breath, then firmly fixed her thoughts on more appropriate ones of Tara. Her girlfriend just grinned indulgently, nodding in agreement to her unvoiced imaginings.

Buffy paced across the room, head shaking. "This is...ridiculous. Giles, tell him this isn't funny!" Her Watcher just raised his hand in a 'what am I supposed to do?' gesture, and she rounded on Xander. "Ok, joke's over. Ha ha, very funny."

Xander sighed. "It's not a joke, Buff."

"Not a joke? I'm sorry, am I the only one who's a little confused here? Hello! You're dating *Anya*. A *girl*." She waved a hand at the ex-demoness.

"Oh, sure, but I'm mostly just a cover." Anya patted Xander's knee affectionately. "I mean, he gives me good orgasms, but it's not like we ever have *sex*. Although, he does let me watch him sometimes. I like that. It's lots of fun."

Willow and Tara giggled, silently agreeing that it probably would be, but not wanting to voice their opinion.

"W-watch? Him? While he...oh, ewww!" Buffy shuddered dramatically. "Way TMI." She kept up her pacing as she tried to sort this revelation out and fit it into her worldview. Groaning, she dropped into a chair, staring at the guy she thought she'd known so well. "Ok, I can handle this. You're...gay. So, when exactly did you decide this?"

"Well, it's not like I actually *decided* anything. But if you want to know when I discovered it..." His eyes clouded briefly in remembrance. "Jesse and I had a thing going for a few years back when we first his puberty, but it wasn't what you'd call a serious relationship. After...you know..." He gave a sad sigh, then continued, "I played it pretty low for a while. Then I met Devon, and we hit it off pretty good, had some fun times. Oz joined in occasionally, and that was always great."

A worried look crossed his face. "Um, that was before you started dating him, Wills," he reassured the redhead, who appeared a bit startled by this bit of information. "Well, that wasn't anything serious either, and died off fairly quickly. And there was the hyena incident. After that was fixed, I had a one-night stand with Kyle, who really wasn't that bad when you could get him to shut up. He was much easier to be around when he was naked and begging." He blushed slightly at that admission.

"Then Larry came out, and came onto me. Who was I to tell the guy 'no'? Of course, after the whole graduation thing...well, it pretty much ended that." His brow wrinkled in thought. "Um, on my road trip, met up with some guys then. The most memorable I would have to say was when I was working at that nightclub. There was this lawyer guy from L.A. who came in on Saturdays, and we ended up having a semi-exclusive thing going on for a month or so." He smiled fondly in remembrance. "I still kinda miss Linds, you know?"

He shook himself, then went on, by now totally caught up in the tale of his sordid past. "Made it back here, and you had started the college scene. Met this guy, he was pretty intense. You remember Forrest? That was basically just a quick one-off, though, because I met a dorm-mate of his. Now Graham, *there* was a stud! That boy could go all night! Riley would watch sometimes, jerking off, sometimes making requests for positions."

Buffy let out a strangled exclamation at that, and Xander's head swiveled in her direction.

"Oh, no worries, Buffster. This was *way* before you hooked up with him. Swear. And he *never* joined in on anything." Anya leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Xander frowned and shook his head. "I dunno. I don't think Jonathan really counts. I mean, that was in the other reality thingie and all." He fell silent for a moment, as if debating. Then, with a resigned look, he stared at Buffy. "Um, gotta confess. I, um, did...kinda...sleep with Angel that once."

Buffy's jaw dropped in shock, hurt and betrayal flashing across her face. "You...you...how could you?"

"Well, you know, he'd come to Sunnydale that time when I got the syphilis, and he was so bummed about not getting to talk to you, and I kind of met up with him after that *wonderful* dinner you made, and it just...happened. And hey, no loss of soul thing to worry about, since it's not like he was in *love* with me or anything. Of course, he still got all broody and angsty about it afterwards." He rolled his eyes.

Willow decided to speak up, even though her mind was boggling at each new admission. "Um, so was that why you went to L.A. that time?"

Buffy's voice grew cold. "What time?" she hissed, eyes narrowed.

"Oh, hey, no, don't get mad. I just wanted to apologize to him for what happened, he was obviously *really* upset about it."

"And I suppose you ended up in bed with him. Again," she gritted out.

"No way. *Absolutely* no way. Although..." He expression grew sheepish. "I, um, did kind of end up getting drunk with Wesley and Gunn, and we all sort of..." his voice trailed off.

Buffy stood, flinging her arms up in the air. "Jesus, Xander, you're such a slut! Is there *any* guy in this entire state you *haven't* fucked?" Her eyes lit on Giles with something akin to relief. "Giles, can you believe this? You're probably the only male I know that Xander hasn't slept with." She cringed when a guilty look flitted across the Watcher's face. "Giles?" she asked in a tiny, pleading voice.

"Er, um...well, you see Buffy...it was really... That is to say...ah..." He tugged at his collar, flushed with embarrassment.

Xander spoke again, rescuing the older man. "It wasn't his fault, Buffy. You gotta remember, that chocolate was making people do a lot of weird things. He would have *never* dragged me off like that if he'd been in his right mind. And time with Ethan really shouldn't count, because they were both pretty drunk when they picked me up."

Hand over her mouth, Buffy backed away from Giles in denial, sinking down when the backs of her knees hit a chair. She was pale from the repeated shocks, and she turned her head to stare glassily at Xander. "Is that it? Your whole confession? 'Cause I gotta say, it is going to take me a *long* time to process this." She peeked back over at her Watcher and shuddered.

"Weeeell, not...exactly." Xander shifted uncomfortably, eyes darting around the room.

Buffy groaned, letting her head drop into her hands. "Oh god, *what*?" Although her voice was muffled, it easily projected her dismay over what was coming.

Anya piped up, beaming happily. "Xander got a boyfriend, so he wanted everyone to know why he wasn't going to pretend to be dating me anymore." Her eyes misted dreamily. "They're *so* yummy together. You wouldn't *believe* some of the videos I've got back at Xander's apartment."

The witches exchanged a glance, mentally agreeing that they would have to get ahold of those tapes sometime.

Buffy whimpered. "Oh god. Just, spit it out already, Xander!"

Xander blushed. "Well, we've known each other for a while, and a couple months ago, some...things...happened, and we ended up getting together. And we're really happy, and want to see if we can make it work on a permanent basis, and I'd really, *really* appreciate it if you didn't try to kill him, Buffy." His eyes widened, pleading with her earnestly.

Buffy groaned. "I'm not gonna like this, am I?"

"Um...probably not." Xander grinned ruefully. "Sorry."

Steeling herself, the Slayer sat up straight. "Ok, I'm ready. Lay it on me."

"Oooh, you askin', luv?"

Buffy's lip curled, and she turned to glare at the blonde vampire. "Spike. What are *you* doing here? Get crowded under that rock you crawled out from?"

Spike snorted, closing the door behind him. "Hardly, pet. Just didn't wanna miss the fun." He grinned cockily, then looked over at the couch. His posture changed dramatically, the belligerent stance becoming more provocative, inviting.

Buffy frowned, following his gaze. She gasped when she saw that Xander had risen, staring at the vampire with a hungry look on his face. She whipped her head around to look at Spike, then back to Xander again. "Oh no. On, no no no no no. Do *not* even tell me what I think you're going to tell me. Please. I'll pay you."

Spike and Xander ignored her, too engrossed in undressing each other with their eyes.

Anya clapped her hands softly. "See? I told you they looked yummy together. Maybe they'll have sex now and we can all watch. Won't that be nice?"

"No! That would be bad! Very, very bad!" Buffy watched in horror as they moved slowly toward each other, and Spike wrapped his arms around Xander. "No. Don't. Oh, please don't. Someone tell me they're not going to..." Her eyes were huge as she saw their lips drawing ever closer together.

*****
Part 2:

"Excuse me, what?" Ares stared at the slim man in complete shock, not believing what he'd just heard.

Joxer blushed, glancing away briefly. Mustering up his courage, he repeated himself. "I said, I l-l-love you," came the hesitant whisper.

Ares rolled out of the bed, standing abruptly and running a hand through his hair. He heaved a sigh, then rolled his eyes. "You don't love me, Joxer."

Frowning, the mortal sat up. "Huh? What...what do you mean? Of course I love you!" He gestured at the rumpled bed he was seated on. "Why else would I...would we..." His voice trailed off as confusion overtook him.

Ares steeled himself, letting his features fall into a cold mask. "I think you're mistaken about something here, Joxer. You're a good fuck; I like bedding you. But I'm not about to drop to my knees and propose marriage to you here." He smirked coldly. "It was fun while it lasted, mortal, but you've gotten a bit clingy for my tastes." He waved his hand, and Joxer disappeared with a bright flash.

Once the mortal was gone, Ares staggered back to the bed, slumping down and staring blankly at the wall, a single tear making it's way down his face. It would take a long time for him to forget the look of absolute pain and betrayal on Joxer's face before he'd vanished.

Ares forcibly held himself back from checking on the mortal, knowing even a glimpse of him at this point might prove too much for him to handle. He had no idea how much time had passed while he struggled to control his emotions, when a bright flash directly in front of him grabbed his attention.

Aphrodite burst in, already wound up and going strong. "Oooh, Arry! How could you! I just saw Joxie when I was on a gig over by Olynthus, and he was all sad and crying and hurt, and I could *feel* his heart breaking, and I *know* you had something to do with it, don't even try to tell me you didn't." She took a deep breath. "I just knew something like this would happen. I tried to tell him, I said 'Jox, sweetie, I know he's a total studmuffin in bed, but you are *so* gonna get hurt!', but did he listen? Nooo! And now he's sending out these awful vibes, and it's totally bumming me out!"

She was completely prepared to continue on in this vein for some length, when she finally took a good look at Ares. She peered closer, and could practically feel the pain pulsing off the other god. "Um, Arry? You ok?" She bit her lip, then tiptoed closer. "Hey, what happened?"

Ares shrugged listlessly. "He told me he loved me," he responded in a flat tone.

Aphrodite beamed. "Well that's wonderful! Isn't it?" Her face fell when Ares shook his head. "Why not?" She sat next to him, patting his knee consolingly.

Ares snorted. "Dite, he's...Joxer. He's gentle, and good, and innocent, and if he sticks with me, I'll end up ruining his life! I'm War! What I am will begin corrupting everything that makes him the man I l--" He broke off, flopping back on the bed to gaze dejectedly up at the ceiling.

His sister smiled somewhat sadly. "The man you love, right?" She heaved a sigh. "So, you pushed him away to save him, huh?"

Ares nodded, closing his eyes in remembrance.

"Well that's just crap!"

Eyes popping back open, Ares gaped in disbelief at Aphrodite, who had crossed her arms and was glaring at him. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, you heard me, buddy." She poked a finger into his chest. "Love doesn't make people weak, it gives them a strength like you wouldn't believe. And you're just afraid of your own emotions, so when things got too strong, you ran. Well, this Love Goddess ain't gonna stand for it!" She jumped to her feet. "I am *so* gonna get you two back together, whether you like it of not!" With that, she sparkled out, leaving behind a dumbfounded God of War.

~~~~~~~~~~

Aphrodite searched furiously through her workshop, muttering softly as she pulled out assorted bottles and pouches. Stumped, she frowned, hands on hips, and called out, "Cupid!" She tapped a foot impatiently, waiting for her son to answer. Minutes ticked by, and she was about to go off in search of him when he appeared in the doorway, breathless and disheveled.

Cupid ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, Mom?"

Aphrodite pouted. "What took you so long? It's rude to ignore your mother, you know."

An equally disheveled Strife peeked out from behind the winged god, waggling his fingers in greeting. "Yo, Aphro. What's shakin'?"

The goddess rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother asking. Look, could you boys quit boffing long enough to help me out here?"

The two gods sighed unhappily, but Cupid nodded anyway. "Sure. Whatcha need?"

"My powdered unicorn horn. Did you use it for something?" She turned back to her shelves, picking through their contents.

"Wait, lemme think." After a moment, his face lit up and he held out his hand. A small vial filled with a shimmering white substance appeared. "Here go."

Aphrodite turned and snatched it, grinning triumphantly. "Yes! Perfect!" Apparently forgetting that her son and nephew were still there, she began mixing together a bunch of bright, highly fragrant liquids, adding a sprinkle of the powdered unicorn horn.

Strife watched for a second, then nudged Cupid. "What's she doin', Cupe?"

Cupid shrugged. "Beats me." He raised his voice. "Mom, what're you doing?"

"Hmm?" A few more ingredients were added, then she looked up. "Oh, I'm making up a little something that will make sure your dad and Joxie get back together and *stay* together."

"Woah. *Back* together? What happened?"

Aphrodite shook her head, still amazed at her brother's rampant stupidity when dealing with such a simple thing as love. "Well, he's in love with Joxie, and Joxie loves him back, but when he *told* Ares that he loved him, Ares freaked and did something really mean, and sent him away. Now they're both miserable, and I'm going to fix it."

"Oh." Cupid snorted. "Need help?"

Waving a hand in dismissal, Aphrodite went back to her table. "Nah, I got it. You could try to make sure Joxie stays in one piece in the meantime, and Arry doesn't go too berserk."

"Can do." Cupid grabbed Strife's arm, hauling him away from where he was looking a bit too interestedly at a glass bottle filled with swirling black vapor. Distracting him with a kiss, he quickly pulled him out of the room, and they vanished.

Aphrodite pondered the bowl, then carefully opened a small flask. Tilting it cautiously, she watched as a single drop gathered at the edge. "Not too much, now," she whispered, watching the amber fluid fall into the bowl.

"Hey cutie, whatcha doin'?" Eris slid an arm around Aphrodite's waist, nibbling gently at a bared shoulder.

Aphrodite squeaked in alarm, then watched in horror as the flask slipped out of her grasp and tumbled into the carefully prepared potion. "Oh, no!"

Eris winced at the puff of smoke that resulted, then bit her lip. "Oops?"

Swallowing hard, Aphrodite backed away from the now-glowing mixture. "Eris...move it!" She dragged the other goddess out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Then she rounded on her. "You *know* not to interrupt me when I'm mixing!"

Eris shrugged, then reached out to trail a finger suggestively over Aphrodite's bottom lip. "Mmm, lemme make it up to you," she encouraged in a husky voice.

Licking the finger briefly before pulling away, Aphrodite glared at her sometime lover. "Not now! You know Hephy gets upset if we start fooling around when he's not here to watch...or join in. Besides, I'm gonna have to take care of that." She nodded toward her sealed- off workroom.

"Oh, how bad can it be? It just went a little poof." She was about to say more when a low howling sounded, slowly building in volume.

Both goddesses watched the door in trepidation, shrieking and ducking hastily when the door exploded outwards. They watched as a glowing ball of...stuff...shot out of the room, hovering near them. "Do something!" Eris hissed.

Aphrodite glared at her. "This is *your* fault, you know." Then she looked back at the twirling ball and, closing her eyes, pointed. A line of sparkles arched out from her finger, striking the ball.

The ball puled with light, then trembled. It shook violently, then broke into two pieces. The twin balls hovered another moment, dancing around each other. Then, they disappeared.

Eris blinked, then grinned. "Hey, you did it. Go girl!"

Aphrodite just shook her head slowly. "No, it's not gone. Neither of them. I can still feel them...like they're tied to me or something."

"Oh. Well, no point in worrying about it now," Eris stated philosophically. "C'mon, let's go find Heph and have some fun."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Ack! Make 'em stop! Oh please, someone make 'em stop!" Buffy covered her eyes as Spike's lips met with Xander's. "Giles! Do something!"

"Oh, give it a rest, Slayer. Not like we're gonna give you blokes a free show."

Hearing Spike's voice, Buffy gathered that his lips were no longer otherwise engaged, //Aahh! Don't think about Spike's lips!//, and she uncovered her eyes. "Good. No free shows. Definitely of the good." She ignored Willow and Tar's soft objections. Taking a deep breath, she seated herself calmly. "So, Xander. You're doing the nasty with the evil undead now, huh?"

Xander kept hold of Spike's hand, nodding. "Guess so, Buff. Are you too upset?"

The Slayer smiled weakly. "Upset? No, not a bit. Just...can you not do that around me? At least not until I get used to it?" She pointed at where Spike's free hand was wandering with impunity over Xander's chest. She waited for the two to seat themselves, hands kept mostly in their own laps.

As Willow began to chat excitedly with Xander, doing her best to dig up all the details, Buffy just sat thoughtfully. It was still hard to believe...who would have thought that so many people wanted to sleep with Xander? Her brain began to work overtime, and during a lull in the conversation, she blurted out, "Parker?"

Mouths clicked shut, and all eyes turned to her. Xander frowned, cocking his head. "Was that just a random brain blurb, or are you going to explain?"

Buffy flushed. "Well, I was just thinking. I mean, you tell us you're gay, then practically recite an alphabetized list of your...conquests. And I started kinda wondering who else might have made the list." Her face turned even redder. "And, you know, I just sort of thought of...Parker."

Xander smiled gently. "Buffy, think about it. Parker is...easy. Hate to put it so bluntly, but he'll screw anything that moves. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Oh." Buffy looked away, then back. "So...you did?" she asked softly.

"Well...yeah. I mean, he *is* kinda cute, and it's not like it was difficult. Although, I gotta say, he isn't as good at the being fucked and left as he is at *doing* the fucking and leaving."

Buffy chuckled weakly. "Sort of payback, huh?"

"Sure. Why not."

"And, um, S-Spike doesn't mind? About your...past?"

Spike let out a bark of laughter. "Hell, Slayer, the whelp's got nothing on me!"

Xander punched him lightly in the shoulder, then kissed him in apology. Turning back to the trio of girls across from him, he grinned lasciviously. "So, wanna know any more details of my fascinating love life?"

Willow and Tara nodded, giggling. After a brief hesitation, Buffy nodded as well. "I'm game, I suppose."

Anya stood abruptly. "Well, I've already heard it, and I have a date in an hour. So I'm going to leave now." She bent and pecked Xander's cheek. "If you have sex with Spike, make sure to tape it for me." With that, she left.

Giles watched her go, shuffling his feet. "Well, as fascinating as I'm sure this tale would be, I'm going to, uh, to..." he waved a hand in some sort of obscure gesture that no one present understood, then left the room, picking up a bottle of Scotch on the way.

Xander shrugged, then settled against Spike. "So, how you wanna do this? Me talk, you listen, or you ask questions?"

Tara piped up, "How about we toss out a name, and you tell us if you've...you know..."

"Oooh, think I'll like this game. Dirty Xander sex secrets." Spike pulled Xander close, and they awaited the first guess.

There was silence, then Buffy snickered. "Of course, thinking of a guy you haven't already named, there's the trick."

"Ooh, ooh, how about Doyle!" Willow turned to Tara in explanation. "Doyle worked with Angel in L.A. before he...died."

Everyone looked at Xander expectantly. He smiled. "Well, we didn't have *sex*, as such. I mean, I never even actually met him."

"Oh lord, someone who escaped. How shall you live it down?"

Willow frowned. "What do you mean, 'as such'?"

"Um, see, I kind of called to L.A. once, to talk to Cordy, you know? Well, she was out, and Doyle answered the phone. He was the only one there at the time, Angel was out on a case, and he had the most *delicious* accent, and we...ended up having phone sex."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "You...had phone sex? With *Doyle*? While he was at work? At *Angel's*!?"

"Only the once. He was at home the other times, so we were a bit more...uninhibited."

Everyone fell silent one again, and Spike took advantage of this by snaking an arm behind Xander, letting his fingers sneak under the waistband of his pants.

Xander squirmed as the fingers brushed along the crease of his ass, steadily working their way further inside. He snapped back to attention when Buffy snickered.

"Oh, I got one! How about Principle Snyder!" She grimaced as she said it, and Willow mimed her equal disgust by sticking out her tongue distastefully.

Sober look on his face, Xander responded, "I can honestly say that I *never* once had sex with Snyder in any way, shape or form." The girls' relief was cut short when he continued, "Although, I can't say for certain what he did with those naked pictures of me that he demanded as the price for not having me expelled. But me personally? No way."

Buffy and Willow gaped. "Ewwww!" they exclaimed simultaneously, shuddering. "What a sicko!" Willow added.

They took a moment to get past that image, then Willow asked, "Who else? Come on, give!"

Xander smirked. "Well, you remember when I was on the swim team?"

*****