*** Spike***

I lie here awake wanting to forget all that is, wanting to feel nothing, to slip into nothingness. My eyes shut tightly, my hand holding a syringe, which will take me to that place.

I open my eyes and find a vein in which I inject the needle and all its contents, spilling them in my vein. My eyes drift shut being swept over with the feeling of nothing, forgetting my once precious Dru who left me, forgetting about my pathetic excuse of a unlife, forgetting that I ever wanted a slayer only to have her die, forgetting everything.

My body tingling with the drug as it works its way through my system, the syringe slips out of my hand and drops onto the floor of my crypt as my whole being becomes numb, to the point of not feeling, not caring, numb to non existence, nothing.

*** Xander ***

Why me! Why am I sent to check up on Spike to make sure he hasn't dusted him self? So what if he has, he is a vampire that's generally a good thing seeing them dust? But no, not according to Willow. Apparently we can't let Spike dust him self over Buffy being gone, as he is our friend. She also say's that we helped each other through the tragedy that was glory, but no one helped Spike and since he was our friend we were going to help him no matter what. There that word is again friend. How did that happen?

It's still hard to believe that Buffy is dead, gone, no longer here. Along with her she took Anya. Anya's body giving up after over 1000 years. It couldn't cope with the fight and she died, doctors were dumbfounded they couldn't figure it out, She was in perfect health, her heart was healthy and all.

It didn't really surprise me that she died, I guess I was expecting something to happen after all it wouldn't be my life unless something truly fucked up happened. The one woman I found who seemed to be my true half happened to have a 1000 + body and it gave out. I guess that's why I asked her to marry me because I knew her body was going to die one day much sooner then mine.

So here I am on my way to Spike's, to make sure he hasn't dusted him self.

Okay so I admit he isn't as annoying as he used to be. He kinda grows on you, and it's not his fault that the Initiative put some chip in his brain forcing him to stop what he was made for, leaving him having to beg for help off the slayer and her band of helpers.

I understood why he used to get hostile towards us, why he seemed to just hate us at times. But at other times he seemed to enjoy our company, some nights he used to just turns up for no reason and just sits with us. Maybe he stopped hating us as much as we stopped hating him.

Now since then, since Buffy died, no one sees much of Spike any more, he no longer visits, sometimes Dawn says she sees him standing outside the house sometimes, but he leaves as soon as he realizes he's been spotted.

After everything I guess he's something to us, but I'm not sure if I'd go and call him a friend.

Finding my self at the door of his crypt I knock and enter, looking around the crypt all I see is empty alcohol bottles rum, tequila, vodka, whisky. you name it, it's probably here.

So this is how he is coping.

Walking over towards his bed I see him lying there passed out.

'Hey willow he isn't dust' just drunk.

My eyes travel over him, over his face and down his neck, becoming caught up in looking at him.

His chest in that tight black shirt, which lines every muscle, his arms. My eyes stop on his arms focusing on a spot, a mark I recognize, quickly I move to him lifting his arm up getting a better look, reality comes crashing he isn't drunk he's high.

Leaning down I pick him up. Carrying him all the way to my apartment, with him totally off his face not even aware of what is happing to him is not an easy task but somewhere inside me needs to help him.

Stopping at my door not sure how this will work he's never been to my new apartment. Can I just say the words "Hey Spike come on in."? Or does he have to be awake for them to take effect? Puling out my cell phone I dial Angel's number, he's the only one I can talk to about this, he's the only one that knows about my past or why I would be driven to stop Spike from fucking up the rest of his unlife.

"Hello."

"Hey Angel, okay here's the deal and I know I'm off my rocker but Spike's totally fucked up. He seems to met up with a habit of mine, and I have to help him, problem is he has never been in my new apartment."

"Xander I don't need to tell you even with the chip Spike's going to be bad, you know what it's like when you come down, just be careful okay?"

"Yeah I will but that's not the deal Angel how do I get him in the house do I just say hey come in and it works or does he have to like know I'm saying it?"

"Oh. is he passed out or just off his face?"

"Just off his face."

"Then yeah just tell him to come in."

"Okay thanks Angel, you're the only one I could talk to about this with out too many questions."

"That's okay just remember what I said, be careful I know Spike."

"He's changed Angel. I know you don't believe it but he has, but I remember what it was like and I know he isn't going to be the best person to be around and I'll be careful."

"Do you want me to come there?"

"No don't, I need to help him on my own Angel."

"Okay just be careful."

"Sure look I gotta go I'll talk to you later."

"Bye Xander, oh and hit him across the head for me, he should know drugs aren't the way out."

"I will do c'ya." And I before I hang up the phone I hear Angel whisper

"Take care of my boy."

"I will."

"Okay Spike come on inside." Unlocking the door I carry him inside and put him on my bed.

I take his shoes off and he curls him self into a ball, he looks so. helpless I want to, I need to help him. I realize I don't have any blood for when he wakes up, not wanting to go out and get any in case he needs me, and not really wanting to get Willow to bring some having to explain it. I pick up the phone and dial Angel's number again.

"Hello."

"Me again, I need blood, how do I get blood? I don't want to leave and ringing Willow not really a option."

"Just ring Willies and tell him what you want, make sure you ask for the good stuff and tell him I sent you. And he'll deliver it."

"Okay thanks Angel."

"That's okay bye Xander."

"Bye."

I call up Willies and amazingly he tells me he'll be right over with what I want on the house, I guess I was expecting a fight or something, sure as hell wasn't expecting on the house. I guess he's shit scared of Angel.

I sit down in the lounge room waiting for Willie to turn up, I think about what I'm doing, what I'm going to do. I don't know how it will work but it has to, I have to save him from himself, I have to help him. It would be almost like redemption for my habit, if I help him maybe it would make up for once being addicted, maybe it would make me feel better, feel more human. My mind being pulled back into memories of my past, how hard it was to quit, one moment wanting to be as far away from the drugs as I could get, the next wanting a fix. My body shudders in the memory and I'm pulled back into reality by a knock at the front door, that'll be Spike's blood.

Oddly enough Willie is nice and not nosey, he even asks me if I'm okay, he tells me I look shaken up. I briefly thank him and shut the door. Walking over to the fridge I put the blood in there. Siting back on the couch wondering is it the same for vamps as humans do the drugs last as long and is it the same withdraw as humans or is do they not last as long due to vamp powers.

I begin to think about what was he on? Me I went for uppers things that made me happy or seem happy, by the looks of him I'd guess he was going for the whole I want to be numb and not feel effect.

It dawns on me Buffy's death, the chip everything has effected him worse then any one realized.

I think about it all looking for signs of something; I close my eyes for a moment losing my self in my thoughts I fall asleep.

Sometime later I'm woken by the sound of moment. I look towards the bedroom; Spike stumbles out of the bedroom his eyes half focused trying to put his boots back on. Looking out the window I see the sun rising. I get up and walk over to him.

"You don't want to go out there." He just looks at me with this blank look, I figure it was either who are you, or who do you think you are telling me what to do kinda look.

"It's day time, you can't go out side, lie back down and go to sleep." I say as I push him down back onto the bed so he is lying and take his shoes off again. I look up at him and find him fast asleep. I pull the blanket over him, pulling the curtains shut making sure the sun can't get in. Grabbing my self a spare pillow and blanket heading towards the couch to sleep some more.

*** Spike ***

Soft, warm, blankets, Pillow, bed; my mind registers these things, as it begins to travel back to me. Soft, warm, Xander, I smell Xander why do I Smell Xander, I Smell him all around me.

My eyes blink open only to shut them again, hurts too bloody much to open them.

"Ugh." I groan "Bloody hell I feel like shit."

"Drugs will do that to you, here." I'm handed a mug, I open my eyes again and see it's a mug of blood and a Xander who doesn't look amused. How the fuck did I end up here trying to think about what happened last night. Last thing I remember was injecting the drug I don't remember anything else. Don't tell me I walked here.

"Eat." He orders me and I do I drink the whole mug down, even licked it clean, bloody fantastic, human.

"Where the fuck am I?"

"My apartment, You can blame Willow, mainly, she started with the whole, make sure Spike doesn't dust himself routine. Sent me to check up on you."

"As you can see I'm not dust, how'd I end up here?"

"I carried you here."

"Why did you go and do a stupid thing like that for?"

"Believe it or not Spike you need help, and oddly enough I'm going to help you."

"I don't need your help or any body else's." I hop out of bed staggering my way to my boots grabbing them as I fall on the ground and put them on.

"I know what its like Spike."

"How the fuck could you know what its like." He walks towards me rolling up his sleeve. He holds out his arm, looking down I see a faint scar, one much like mine only older, much older, I hold out my arm and look down at it, looking back at his, reaching out I touch it. Something strange comes over me, worry. Leaping up off the ground my shoes half on I begin to worry even more. "Are you insane, When?"

"High school, since about the time Buffy turned up."

"Why? Xander it's not a smart thing to be doing."

"Listen to yourself."

"I'm a demon I can handle it, your human it could kill you."

"You know as well as I do when you're on the stuff you don't care what happens to you.

"Okay why?"

"Come on Spike you know the answer to that one, other wise you wouldn't be doing it yourself."

"Do they know?"

"Completely unaware, have no clue, then I guess I didn't want them to know I had everything figured out my ups and downs were result to my father or so they thought but really he was just the cause of it."

"Why did you stop?"

"I got shown that there was more, I realized I was sick of being controlled by the drugs. They showed me I was better then that."

"Who?"

"I believe you call him sire or peaches."

Falling down on the bed in shock. "The poofter knew and didn't tell any one how the bloody hell did you figure that one out?"

"Easy he made it for me said it was my choice I either let him help me or he went running to Buffy and Willow. Great choices hey."

"So we have something in common, you just decide let's bond?"

"No it was more I want to help you."

"I don't want help, I want to forget!"

"You think this has been easy on any of us. Buffy's gone and were never going to see her again. Anya's dead, Giles is on the verge of a break down, Dawn blames her self, Willow and Tara seem about as normal as we get but I know Willow. I know she's acting strong, I know she goes home and cries her self to sleep. You don't see me running back to old habits all because times are tough. I admit I wanted to I wanted to so badly I was out the door and on my way to the dealer when Angel called me, he figured I would try to go backwards and stopped me."

"Yay for you. So you want to help poor old Spike."

"Basically yes."

"Like I've said I don't want help I want out of here." Leaning down I put my boots on properly and lace them up. I get up off the bed and begin to walk for the bedroom door his voice stops me.

"Why so you can go get your drugs. Go get high."

Spinning around I look at him, he almost sounds afraid that's what I'll do. "So who cares if I do that!"

"I do, Angel does and you should."

"I don't see him here if he cares so much where is he?"

"You know he can't run to Sunnydale every time he might be needed."

Fear of his words not being true takes over my body, wanting to believe it is. Afraid of what it means. "This is different, I'm different, if he cares so much he should be here trying to convince me instead of you."

"I told him not to come, I told him I needed to do this. Just because he isn't here doesn't mean he doesn't care Spike."

"He doesn't, what's to say he does."

"There's this." Feeling him whack me across the head "Angel told me that I'm to hit you across the head and tell you that you should know better." I can feel my body give in just that sign that some one cares, Angel cares even if he isn't here he cares, and the Whelp for some reason cares.

"I.I.help." I say as I fall down sobbing. For the first time in ages wanting something other then nothing. Wanting to feel something. And then I feel his arms as they wrap around me, rocking my body into a peaceful sleep.

*** Xander ***

Thanking my construction work as I lift Spike up and carry him over to the bed. Happy he asked for help, worried about how it was going to all turn out.

I walk out of the bedroom and ring Angel making sure I keep him up to date with what was happing.

"Hello Angel investigations we help the helpless."

"Hey Cordy can I talk to Angel."

"Xander oh my god, I'm not sure you want to talk to him he looks kinda." that's all I hear before.

"Xander how is he?"

"He knows Angel."

"How? What happened?"

"I still have a scar from a it, I showed it to him, he seemed worried. Angel."

"Of cause he was, no matter what, chip or no chip if Spike didn't care about you or the rest of the gang he wouldn't be there, he knows how to survive with out killing humans. He isn't there with you because of the chip, he's there because he cares."

"It's just odd."

"What happened."

"He said 'help' Angel he said help."

"Spike actually asked for help? That I don't believe."

"He's sleeping it off I think it took a lot out of him."

"I honestly didn't believe it would work but it might, you know it only gets harder sure you don't want me to come?"

"I'm sure, he asked about you, said you should be here but I told him what I said to you. It's just, is it the same with vamps as humans? I mean the withdrawal like is it quicker because of vamp healing because boy that would be nice."

"It can be quicker, but it can also be harder because of the vampire strength, not to many vamps get addicted to drugs and then quit, as drugs can't kill us so they aren't really seen as bad in the vamp community. I'd suggest some chains you may need to restrain him."

"Angel that's a bit drastic don't you think?"

"No think about it Xander I had to restrain you with my self, with Spike you wont be able to do that."

"Okay, but he won't be happy."

"Just tell him its foreplay, he'll love it."

What the! Did Angel just make a joke! Ideas shoot through my mind; Spike chained up, foreplay. Oh god I can't think about this now.

"Angel!"

"What you never thought about him in that way?"

"I can't talk about this now, I have to find some chains, and get some sleep."

"I'll call Willie up and he'll deliver some."

"Okay."

"Bye Xander"

"Bye Angel."

Thinking to my self that Angel is right it would only get worse.

*** Spike ***

I wake up for the second time, this time aware of where I am, in the whelp's bedroom, aware of what I'm doing, sobering up, and getting clean. Instantly I want to run, escape, old habits die hard. Already I feel like a truck hit me and I know its going to get worse. I open my eyes and beside the bed is Xander asleep in the armchair.

"You know a fella could have excepted by the time he wakes."

"I highly doubt that will be happing tonight."

I jump at his voice "Shit you scared me."

"Sorry, just resting."

"You still here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

My eyes find a spot on the floor to stair at. "This isn't going to be easy."

"No in fact it's going to be hard."

His voice barley a whisper. "I won't make it easy."

"No I don't think you will."

Looking around the ground, seeing the chains. "Where did you get those?"

"Willie drooped them off."

Surprised by the response Willie?!? "Willie knows I'm here, and demons aren't banging on the door to get in?"

"No Willie doesn't know you're here, Angel rung him."

"You better put those on now while I'm cooperative."

"I didn't want to use them."

"You'll have to, and now is the only chance you're going to get where I'll willingly let you put them on me."

"Angel said to tell you they were foreplay."

I look up at him over come with hope, maybe. "He would say that."

"How is it feeling so far?"

"Moving on to bad. You better put them on me before it gets any worse."

He grabs the chains and does as I tell him, he chains me up. Angel's words come into my mind foreplay, and then images of Xander loving my body as it is chained float into mind. Oh bloody hell, I'm lusting after the whelp.

"Do you want some blood?"

"Would be nice, thanks."

"Welcome."

He heads towards the kitchen leaving me with my thoughts; I'm lusting after him. breaking out of the spell when he enters with the blood.

He holds the mug to my mouth, I guess this is where the feeling like an idiot starts, being feed.

I drain the mug completely of its contents.

"This is the stuff where you get this?"

"Willie."

"He drooped off the blood also?"

"Before the chains, I think he thinks something kinky is going on here, first blood the good stuff, and then chains and he didn't charge me a thing."

"Little pisser is shit scared that's what he is."

"I figured that, Angel told me to tell Willie it was for him."

The conversation drops off to a silence.

"Where do we go from here?" I ask him wanting to know something.

"Honestly I don't know."

"I'm scared.if you tell anyone I said that I will cut off your balls and make you eat them chip or not chip it will be done."

"Spike why would I tell someone, you already have the biggest secret on me. Okay so Angel knows."

"How did he find out?"

"One afternoon after I had gotten a fix I went wondering walked around, afternoon turned into dark and a vamp decided I was a nice meal. Only problem was Angel turned up just as the vamp pushed me away and called me a useless junkie. Didn't know that vamps cared about the blood. Any how Angel bent down and touched my neck getting some of my blood on his fingers and tasted it and he knew."

"And being the I need to help people type of vamp he is, he decided you would be his next mission?"

"Basically Yeah. Now I'm glad I was, I thank him all the time, and in some weird way I love him. He cared enough to try."

"He's a loveable vamp even as Angelus he was loveable."

"It was like he did something, when my best friends didn't even notice it."

"People are oblivious to the things they don't want to see."

"Guess that's true, like people in Sunnydale completely ignore the strange deaths that seem to happen after dark."

"My point." Suddenly becoming tired I begin to drift off.

"I'll let you sleep."

"Could you just stay. Until I'm asleep."

"I can do that."

Falling asleep knowing he's there.

*** Xander ***

I'm awoken by the sound of Spike growling and swearing his head off.

"Get me the fuck out of here I want to go. Oh fuck I feel like shit, I think I'm gunna vomit."

I jump up and race to the laundry and grab a bucket running back into my bedroom trying to turn him on his side as best as I could, rubbing his back waiting for him to empty his stomach.

His body heaves trying to gather it up and then it comes out, Red instantly becoming freaked, he's vomiting up blood, what else does he have to lose? Making a mind memo to ring Angel as soon as Spike is asleep and ask him what should I do.

"Is there more?"

"Don't yell. Bloody hell my head hurts." I run my fingers over his scalp trying to sooth him, his body relaxes more and he beings to purr. Oh my, that's fucking cute. I listen to his constant hum.

"Feels good don't stop." He murmurs before he slips off into sleep.

Okay his hair calms him down. Take note Xander could be worthy later on.

Stroking his hair some more making sure he is sound asleep before I slip off the bed to ring Angel.

"Hello Angel investigations we help the helpless."

"Hey Cordy, it's Xander again can I talk to Angel again."

"What was his deal before he just grabs the phone off me and does he tell me what it was about no. hello I dated you I should know."

"Cordy just put Angel on the phone."

"Rude much." And then there's silence; she must have done what I asked, for once.

"Xander."

"Hey Angel. I know you might be getting sick of my ringing so much lately, but there's so much I don't know about vampires. He spewed not much a surprise there, but with humans we have like stuff to lose, he was just chucking up blood, and it occurred to me that's all he has to lose, and I became worried. Is he like gunna die of like something because he isn't getting enough blood?"

"Just give him some blood when ever he wakes up, make sure its human as that's best for him, like you know its normal to vomit a lot, it's the same with vampires."

"Thanks again Angel."

"It's fine really Xander, if you need to know anything else just call me."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

*** Spike ***

Need. want. need. oh bloody hell I feel like shit, I want to die. I want some drugs. Bloody chains "LET ME GO."

"Lie still Spike, you're only going to hurt yourself."

"Let me go I need to go, I don't want to be here anymore."

"How about I get you some blood?"

'What the! Don't change the subject' my mind screaming at him.

"Xander, just unchain me I'm better, all clean."

"You forget Spike I know all the tricks."

"I'm going to kill you boy unless you unchain me."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, kill me your still not getting unchained." And then he walks out of the room. Who the hell does he think he is I'm William the bloody. Not some fucking pet!

Moving my hips around trying to loosen the chains, and trying to feel if I had anything in my pockets, looking for something, smokes, drugs, knife, anything.

"There empty, and the drugs are down the toilet so its no use, you're here until it's all gone." He says as he walks in the room holding a mug of blood

AHHHHHH "Just let me please, I need some, go get me something!"

"What you need is some blood, some rest, and to get clean."

"It's my unlife, who do you think you are!"

"Drugs messing with your memory, I'm Xander remember, here drink." He pushes the mug in my face offering me the straw, a straw! I'm forced to drink out of a bloody straw, and I do, not because I'm hungry, not because he is making me but because it's human and I haven't had human in a while.

"Please just a little something, you know what its like."

"Yes I do, and I also know going through this is worth the end result."

"I don't want to feel like this Xander." And then he is on the bed running his fingers through my hair again. And again an uncontrollable purr comes from deep in my chest. And I'm once again sedated happy, sleepy. Forgetting the desire to get high, only feeling his fingers in my hair as I drift off to sleep.

*** Xander ***

Managing to put Spike to sleep I convince my self to have a shower I don't want to leave him alone for too long incase something happens, but I smell pretty bad. Washing up his mug for later, I check on him before I jump into the shower.

The water running over my muscles relaxes me, soothing my body into a relaxed state, my eyes close resting, my mind wandering, becoming fixated on Spike, wondering why I feel I need to help him. It's not just redemption. I'm actually worried about him. I care about him.

Washing my hair and body, relaxing for the first time in what seems like forever.

Quickly jumping out of the shower, I look at my self in the mirror, seeing a grown man in my reflection, understanding I'm a different person, seeing the differences from when I was on drugs, when I was off them, when Buffy and Anya were still here, and now. Becoming aware I like who I have turned out to be, I'm strong, I care, I love, I'm not afraid to live, I survived. Being caught up in the moment of finally seeing me.

I get dressed and walk into the bedroom; somehow spike removed the blankets I had put on him. I reach down and pull them back over him. Walking out into the kitchen I grab some food for my self. After eating I sit down in the chair near my bed and fall asleep, looking at him.

I slept for a while only being woken up by the sound of Spike heaving again, going over to the bed and holding his head over the bucket and rubbing his back easing the vomit up. Amazingly he doesn't say anything to me, he doesn't abuse me, doesn't scream at me he just vomits, he almost looks asleep. Once his stomach was empty again I put his head on the pillow and watch as he instantly falls back asleep.

Hoping to my self it gets better soon, knowing, it will get better, but it will take time. I hate seeing him like this, so helpless, is that what makes me want to help him so much? I know he deserves better then this, deserves better then how he is feeling.

Getting up I look at the time 7:48 my senses screaming what day is it? Having become totally unaware if its night or day, I open the curtains slightly to look at side, nighttime okay, what day is it? I went over to Spike's Friday night he woke up Saturday day working it out I'm my head I realize it's most likely Sunday. Okay have to call work and get time off. Do that first thing in the morning. shit willow, oh god I haven't rung her it's a wonder she isn't banging on the door, or worse since I did give her a key. grabbing the phone I dial her number.

"Hello."

"Hey Willow."

"Xander where the hell have you been. I tried to call you."

"Sorry I left my phone off the hook."

"Well your lucky Tara convinced me that you just needed some alone time other wise I would have been there, what ever happened to helping each other."

"I'm sorry I scared you Willow, I'm fine I promise."

"Well what about Spike?"

"Spike." Oh fuck she had to bring him up. "Well."

"Xander did you not go? Have you just been hiding from me?"

"No I went, but it seem Spike wasn't, coping as well as we all thought." Yeah that's good the truth with out telling the truth. Trying to hide his secret.

"Oh god he didn't try to kill himself again did he?"

"No. Unless he was trying to test if alcohol poising worked on vamps." See not whole truth but truth still.

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine. I just called so you didn't worry any, I'm gunna take a few days off work and Scooby stuff to make sure he is okay."

"Are you sure Xander? Do you want me to bring anything, blood?"

"It's okay Willie dropped off some blood earlier."

"Willie knows Spike's there?"

"No I think he thinks Angel is here. I had to ask Angel about a few things. And he just told me to ring Willie and ask for blood and tell him that Angel sent me."

"Ah okay."

"Yeah. I gotta go Willow, I'll talk to you in a few days okay?"

"Okay Xander, bye."

"Bye Willow."

Hanging up the phone I stare into nothingness dropping my head into my hands closing my eyes. I run my fingers through my hair. Trying to escape the guilt of Willow, after all the times I'm still not used lying to her I should be but I'm not. My mind drifting away, to nowhere in particular, time seems to fly by with out me noticing it.

I hop off my seat and look over at the clock 9:30 when did it turn into 9:30! Where was I? Walking into the bedroom checking on Spike. I look over at him, He's lying there shivering, his whole body is shivering.

Walking over to him I touch his forehead, cold. That's normal he's dead, but shivering. Acting with out thinking I hop into bed with him and warp my self around him, holding him in my arms with the chains beneath me.

Reaching down I pull the blankets up over us, his body has stopped shivering but he still feels cold, I wonder is that normal the cold? Is this how he normally feels? Stroking his hair as I drift off to sleep.

*** Spike ***

Warm.body.heat.human.blood.Xander.

I wake up with the feeling of heat, human, wrapped around me. Realizing it is Xander holding me to him, one of his hands is in my hair like it's in mid stroke the other is wrapped around my body; his head nestled in my neck.

Never have I in my unlife ever woken up with a human, let alone one who has some how managed to wrap him self around me oblivious to chains.

Drowning in the feeling of Xander wrapped around me, holding me, wondering how he ended up wrapped around me, enjoying it too much to care. Wanting it to last.

Wait a second! Enjoying it??? Okay so he's warm, he's human, he smells nice, and all of a sudden sexy in ways I never thought about.

Was it just thoughts and feelings related to how he is trying to help me? Or has it awakened something? Something that might have been there but I was unaware of? Thinking about times I had been around him, Ripper's place, the basement, the magic box, patrol. Trying to figure out if any moment stands out, any moment when I might have occurred to me that he was sexy? Memories storm my head, finding moments when he stopped being the whelp, the slayers lap dog, annoying, moments when they all became something more to me.

Oh bloody hell I care about the whole bloody bunch of them. Finding them not as repulsive as they once were, in fact I find I like that I care about them and they seem to care about me.

More Xander moments float into my memory, his smile, his hair, the way his eyes light up when ever some one gave him chocolate or something sweet, his body which has drastically improved since his construction work, of cause his clothes will have to go.

Was that it had I figured it out? His clothes will have to go. I focus on that last thought. my thoughts come screaming to a stop. No this isn't something new, it's been there and I'm just realizing it, I want the Whelp, I guess I'll have to stop calling him Whelp now.

Coming back to reality I feel him as he wakes up, his back stretching his head moving away from my neck, his hands sliding off of me.

"Morning." I say to him, all of a sudden things feel different now that I'm aware of how I feel for him, I'm a demon and I'm worried how to bloody act. That's a bloody first.

'Just bloody take what we want' my demon screams at me. But of cause I wont, don't want to scare him.

"Spike, how are you feeling." Well lets see apart from the withdrawal I feel fucking fantastic, no don't sit up away from me, come back! Dam it.

"Umm. Fine I guess, not feeling so much like shit any more, still feel bad but."

"Most of it should be over, want me to take the chains off?"

"You better not, I still want drugs."

"Craving still there?"

"Yeah. Not as bad, but its still too strong."

"Want some blood?"

"Would be nice."

*** Xander ***

Oh god I was wrapped around him, oh god, it felt. right, his cool skin against mine, our bodies bent to fit each other, only the chains be between us. I look down at my side and see chain imprints, they look like they might turn into bruises, but I didn't notice them, I slept, like I have never slept before. His temperature cooling my body heat down mine heating him up, each making the others temperature more comfortable.

Oh god I have to call work, grabbing the phone while heating up the blood. I tell my boss some excuse as to why I'm not in and won't be in for a few days. Lucky for me he's pretty understanding. Could be I didn't take any time off when Anya and Buffy died, against argument from everyone telling me I needed more time I went to work. Maybe he thinks I have decided to take that healing time. I don't really care what he thinks just glad he didn't hassle me about it.

I can still feel his body against mine; I can smell him all over me, tobacco, old leather, Spike. Loving the smell, loving the feel, loving the memory. Wanting it more.

A part of me screams, don't Xander it's Spike, your helping him he doesn't need this right now. You can't feel this way, now is not the right time, it's too soon after Anya, too soon after Buffy. Yet another yells, it felt so right waking up with him in my arms. My inner battle interrupted by the beeping of the microwave. Grabbing his breakfast out of the microwave I carry it into him, sitting on the bed next to him holding out the mug waiting for him to drink. So lost in thought I don't hear him ask me a question.

"Xander, you there?"

"Sorry Spike I was just thinking."

"That's a first, what happened since I was last awake, don't remember falling asleep with you beside me?"

"Ugg.sorry about that, just you were shivering, and I just reacted and hopped into bed with you, I guess I figured me human warm, might help."

"Don't be sorry, helped a lot as I'm not shivering any more." And then I hear him say under his breath "Felt bloody fantastic." Did he just say it felt fantastic? Did he mean to say it? Was I supposed to hear it?

"You should sleep some more you might feel better when you wake up."

"Could you massage my scalp I remember falling asleep while you were doing that." How could I refuse, He had asked me to do something I have realized I love doing, I loved the reaction I always got from him. Even in his wilder moments it caused him to purr himself to sleep. So here I am massaging his scalp, Thinking about my previous thoughts. Do I? Do I like Spike?

*** Spike ***

Falling asleep at the feel of his fingers as they massaging my scalp. Hopping he is right, that I'll feel better when I wake up. I drift off to sleep dreaming about him, dreaming about life with him.

The day passes pretty much like the rest, waking up feeling sick, going back to sleep, waking up feeling a bit better. I open my eyes and look at the chair there he is, asleep in the chair.

Dam it why isn't he in bed with me! Oh that's right I'm over the whole shivering stage, bloody hell. I want my hot water bottle. Okay so he isn't mine.yet.

I watch him, I watch his nose twitch, his eyelids flutter with a dream he is having, watching him as he moves around as best he can while in the chair. How the hell did me mange to bloody get comfortable enough to sleep. Evil thoughts enter my mind.

Thoughts of just how flexible he is, and how we both could enjoy his flexibility.

Dam it Spike he is just trying to help you. He's being nice, don't turn this into something it's not.

Oh give it a break your sounding just as bad as the bloody poofter him self. Stop making excuses.I liked those flexibility thoughts get back onto them.you're a demon for Christ's sake, get over the whole worried how he might react act. If he objects well there's always the chains.

Don't give me any more ideas you. Yeah I'm a demon but it doesn't mean I have to be all demony about it. Can't I for once seduce some one with out chains?

But there fun, come on you enjoy them as much as I do.

You know there are other things besides chains.

Fine we'll try things your way, just promise me there be some bondage action some where?

Oh you can guarantee that.

My inner voice and I both happy, having agreed we both want him, finally agreeing that we will not go about it in the 'chain him up till he likes me' way.

My mind travels back realizing he is awake, I'm still staring at him, and he is staring back.

"Sorry luv, caught up in thoughts. What day is it mate?"

"Umm. I'm not sure Spike."

"It's day time if that helps."

"Actually yeah it does. I'd say it was Tuesday, hang on Tuesday! Last I remember it was Monday.where did Monday go I'm not sure."

"I'd say sleeping and helping me, guess you should call work and the witches."

"Called work yesterday told them I wouldn't be in for a few days, they understood, and Willow. rung her Sunday I think, told her I was helping you."

"You told the witch! How could you tell the witch I trusted you." I'm gunna kill him chip or no chip I'm gunna kill him I bloody trusted him and what does he do, goes and tells the bloody witch.

"Spike! I didn't tell her about it, I told her you were testing to see if alcohol poisoning would kill vampires, I would never tell her about it, it's your story to tell, I just left out the full details."

"Right mate, sorry overreacted there."

"No you just jumped to conclusions. You expected I would tell her and reacted."

"So I got a problem with trust issues, who could blame me with a sire like Angelus, and having Dru who was so fickle minded as a lover for over a century."

"Spike why did you put up with it?"

"With what?

"Dru being fickle, Angelus."

"Angelus was my sire, in the vampire world it meant he owned me. He made me, he could make me feel like I was everything to him one second and the next like I was nothing, and basically I'd put up with him because he was everything I knew and wanted. When you first became a vampire, you don't question your sire; in fact you generally love or worship your sire. Those who question their sire don't live very long. As for Dru I thought I loved her, I guess I did in some ways, hoping to change her ways. Never understanding her ways were what made her.her."

"Would you go back to her?"

Would I? To the way she used to make me feel? To how she was. No I wouldn't. Blimey I don't want her any more. Sure I was going to stake her for Buffy, but it just dawned on me I don't want Dru.

"Now that I think about it.. No."

"Do you think we can unchain you yet?"

Taking a moment to think about his question, can he unchain me? Concentrating on how I feel. I don't feel at full health but I also don't feel the desire to go and get off my face. But if we unchain me that means I can go, I don't want to leave, here. Why the hell do I feel weak! Why do I feel like that if I leave I'll go back?

"I think we can. But Xander, I don't think I'm ready to leave?"

"Leave who said anything about leaving, just figured you might be more comfortable out of chains."

"There not exactly the most comfortable thing."

"Spike." He looks at me, looks into my eyes and says. "You can stay here as long as you need, or as long as you want."

Did he just invite me to move in?

"Pet, you mean like?"

His eyes look on the ground as he talks "I mean I've been thinking about getting a rommie, so it's not so lonely around here, so I have some company also make things cheaper."

Some where while he was talking he had finally looked up again, and now he was looking at me waiting for my response.

YES, YES, YES!

"But there's only one room isn't there?"

Trust me to be logical right now!

You pillock he just asked us to move in what the bloody hell are you waiting for!

"Actually there's two the other one has just some of my old stuff in there, no bed. If you want we could make it livable for you?"

"I'd love to pet." God ol' mighty I'm LIVING WITH HIM. Okay not in the way I'd hoped but it's a step.

"Good, would you like some blood, to celebrate?" he asks as he stands up.

"I'll take you up on that blood, celebrate. well we will do that when I'm at full health." And when you're in my bed, or I'm in yours. "Umm. Pet. could you unchain me before you get the blood?"

"Shit sorry, I kinda forget." He says as he walks over and unchains me, I'm free. I can move my arms and legs.

Come one Spike ol' boy we can leave, and go with out him hardly noticing.

My demon and me both scream No to a part of us that wants to go and get high, a part that controlled us for to long.

"You okay Spike?"

He's back now we missed our chance.

"Sorry, I just had a battle with me self."

"All sorted out? Don't need the chains again?"

"If you did mate I wouldn't be here, you know that don't you?"

"Actually you would be it's day time."

"Oh. so I'm kind incoherent, can you blame me I've just been on a roller coaster which I'm still on."

"I know Spike, but you have to make the choice, I can put them on or you can be stronger then that and we can watch some tellie."

"Tellie sound good mate."

"Right you drink this, and I'll bring it in here." He hands me the mug.

"Mate we could watch it out there you know." I take it and drink it savoring the taste.

"You're still healing Spike, so you're not moving. The tellie is in the other room ergo me bring tellie in here."

So Xander has a mothering instinct, likes to make some one as comfy as he can, when there sick. Umm can't say I hate being coddled, in fact I quite enjoy it. Even more enjoyable that it is Xander coddling me.

Drinking the rest of my blood as he sets up the tellie, never taking my eyes off of him, his back muscles moving, working, flexing. Oh bloody hell staring at him is making me bloody hard. what if he notices.

Not a happy picture Spike my boy. we'll be homeless before we can begin to seduce him.

Okay watcher in a tutu yeah that's a turn off. Better yet Angel in a tutu, leotard and all.

I crack up laughing at the thought; oh that would be a site.

"Spike? What's so funny you look like you're about to hyperventilate apart from the fact that you don't breath."

"Just imaging Angel in a leotard and tutu."

And then his laughter fills the room. The sound echoing off the walls. Oh boy, if I think about his laugh any more I'll be hard again. "Okay I agree it's a funny sight, but why were you imagining Angel all dolled up?"

You see mate staring at your back made my cock hard. can't say that.

"Well I started to think of the watcher in one but picturing my sire like that was just trouble asked to be had."

"That's just freaky Spike, Giles." His body shudders at the idea. "Forget it Spike I don't think I want to know what made you think about that. What do you want to watch? Movie or some show?" So that's what we do we watch tellie, him in the chair, me in the bed, me nodding off every now and then, him keeping me company until I fall asleep again.

About 9 ish I wake up to find Xander reading a book, this is something new, I always just assumed he wasn't the book reading type. But here he is proving me wrong.

Bloody stupid git was gunna ruin his eyesight if he continues to read only using the lamp as light.

"You git, your gunna ruin your eye site, using that piddling thing as light.

"You're awake."

"For now, actually I feel kinda more awake then I have in a while."

"Ahh probably all the sleeping you been doing."

"What are you reading mate?"

He holds up his book in surprise "This.just a novel."

"Never pictured you for the book reading type."

"No one ever has, guess it's my own little secret, let them think that I don't read when in fact I love to read."

"It's always good to have some part of you that no one knows, there for you always have something that's yours"

"You hungry? Bored? Sleepy?"

"Sick of hearing me talk are you? Trying to put me to sleep already hey?"

"No I was just seeing if you wanted something?"

"Some blood would be great, not particularly sleepy I only just woke up but I feel kinda lazy maybe we could watch a movie have some blood, eat some popcorn. Do nothing?"

"Sounds like a plan, here's the guide, you pick a movie."

Scanning the pages looking at the movies. sound of music I think not. blade. not really in the mood for comedies. umm. star wars. ohhh fight club! Yeah that's the one. Good spot of violence is what I need.

"Here ya go, what ya find to watch?" Handing me the blood as he sits in his chair.

Leaning against the headboard holding the mug of blood in my hands sipping it. "Fight club. It's gunna start soon."

"I love that movie."

"Me too mate. Don't I get some popcorn?"

"Spike you're a vampire, Vampires don't eat food, oh wait I forgot your Spike, who likes to put good food into his blood to add texture, here."

Ahh good, some popcorn to dunk. "Ta mate."

"Just for the record you're ruining perfectly good popcorn."

"How do you know I'm ruining it, Have you ever tried it? I could be improving it. Now hush the movie's beginning." Ha now I made him think about it.

Every now and then I look over at him, and watch him instead of the movie.

Sometime during the movie, on one of my Xander brakes, *Hey people have toilet brakes I have Xander brakes.* I look over at him and see him nodding off in the chair.

"You can't keep sleeping in that chair, you will ruin your back. Look as long as I'm too 'Ill' to get my own bed I might as well sleep in the chair or something, I'm a vampire it won't bother me as much."

"Spike your sick you can't sleep in the chair, and the lounge room has no blinds, besides you're a guest."

"So bloody what does that have to do with anything? You saying all guests get your bed? Why don't we share then? Fairs fair." That's a bloody tops idea, best idea I've had in a long time.

"I guess we could share the bed, until we get you your own."

I've died and gone to heaven, okay so I can't really do that, go to heaven I mean. So I knew I was bating him hoping he would say that. But hearing him actually say that. YES! Okay even a demon like my self can act immature at times.

"Okay we got that' settled, now get in here before you fall asleep." I hold up the blankets for him, and he gets in. the heat of his body radiates off of him, his scent fills my nose, as he gets himself comfortable.

Bloody hell I'm in bed with him. What do I want to torture my self, being next to him all night long, smelling him, knowing he is only a few inches away, feeling him, hearing him. hell yes I want to torture my self for that.

Finally I re focus on the movie, with in five minutes I notice Xander falling asleep and snuggling him self to me.

Mate this is the life, warm snuggly Xander, snuggling next to me perfect.

Finding something more interesting then the movie to watch, Xander, I turn off the tellie. His hair is flopped down over his eyes, I reach down and run my fingers through his hair, brushing it back out of the way, so I can see his face clearer.

Thump.thump.thump.thump his heartbeat so close it feels like my own, so near, I can feel the beating of his heart, I can feel it in my own body, I fall asleep listening to the beating of his heart.

*****