"Run over the sign! Run it over!" Spike shouted, bouncing in his seat. "*Smash* it!"

"No." Xander calmly drove past the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign, hands at ten and twelve o'clock.

"You little shit! You *wanker*! This isn't yer bloody driver's test ya know! You're *driving* the car! You have responsibilities!"

"Like making sure I have gas and signaling before a turn?"

"Like runnin' over that bleedin' sign! As the *driver*, you can do stuff, Xander. *Fun* stuff! You *bloody* *little* *shit*!" Spike crossed his arms across his chest. "That's one o' my *things* ya know! It's a *tradition*." Spike turned to look at the back of the still standing welcome sign. He felt a pang. Right where his heart used to beat. He rubbed his chest and turned to sit forward again. He looked at Xander. "Do you care *nothing* for me Xander? I'm at a bad place in my unlife, Xander. You *know* this. Little things, Xander. That's all I have, pet. Just the *little* things. Like the sign." He paused, looking at Xander. A seemingly uncaring Xander. "I don't mean a bloody damn thing to you, do I?" He sniffed.

"Didn't we do this already?"

"But the *sign*!"

"Yeah. The sign. I *work*, Spike. I pay taxes. It's *my* money that goes to *fix* that fucking sign!"

"Well, hell. Put this baby in reverse, run it over, and *I'll* pay you back, you big money grubbin' *baby*!"

"Um. . . that's a thought from one who *has* no money. But *no*. Not gonna do it." Xander flashed a grin at Spike. "Sorry. Nope."

"You're such a big *man*, all driving the car and stuff aren't you Xanderpet? I'm gonna *fuck* you into a whimpering *mass*, Xander."

"Promises, promises . . ." Xander sang as he drove.

"Oh *yes* I am-Ooo. . . Stop here! Pull in!"

"What? *Here*?" Xander glanced at the glaring neon sign. "No way! What are you *crazy*? This place is *evil*. *Way* evil!" Xander put his foot to the gas and speed past.

"What? You wouldn't run over the Welcome to Sunnydale sign for me, and now you are attempting to keep me out of *WalMart*? Are you some demon spawn from hell no one has seen fit to warn me about? Or you've been possessed? Yes?" Spike leaned close to Xander and sniffed. Xander giggled. "Something has possessed you? Xander? Can you hear me Xander?"

"Ha, ha, very funny Spike."

Spike moved back, sinking into his seat. "I am *not* playing, luv. Or what*ever* you may be." Spike leaned in again, sniffing and licking at Xander's neck. "Smells like Xander. Tastes like Xander. Xander? Take me to WalMart this instance!"

"No! WalMart is *evil*." Xander continued to drive away from WalMart without a second glance.

"*Really*? Possessed? Innocent ole WalMart? How's it possessed, then, pretty one?"

"The place is just evil, okay? *Evil*!"

""How can you be so sure? Just what kind of evil? I thought I knew *most* evil. . ."

"*WalMart* possesses the type of EVIL, my uninformed-dead-*non*-shopping-friend, that *sucks* you in and *keeps* you in! Oh! You *think* you only need some laundry detergent. Ha! But it turns out you need fabric softener too! And a *ball* to go with it! Ha! That's not the end of it! Oh, no. You need some underwear? Turns out you need three new C.D's *and* a few new *videos* as well!" Xander shook his head. "The evil money-sucking *never* stops! Once you're in? You don't get *out*! Not for under a hundred bucks at least, anyway, my friend. It's evil. It's *criminal*." Xander shook his head again. "They outta outlaw that place."

"Really? All that? I just want a gift box for the slayers' wigs."

"A gift box for the slayers wigs?" Xander snickered, amused.

"Yes. Just that." Spike smiled at Xander, all cheekbones and teeth. "And I bet you a blowjob I can come out of there with only a gift box. Just the one."

Xander gave a sharp, illegal turn and headed to the WalMart parking lot. "You need *way* more than just a gift box, Spike." Xander smirked, parking.

Spike unfastened his seatbelt and shot a superior look at Xander. "No I don't." Spike opened the door and paused on the way out. "I do, however, require, *cash*." He smiled at Xander and held out his hand. "Gimmie some money, baby."

Xander snickered and reached into his front pants pocket, pulling out a thick wad of cash.

Spike cocked an eyebrow. "Lot o' scratch ya got there, pet."

"Yeah. Angel had a stash under all his hairbrushes. I, uh, *liberated* some o' these poor ignored hundreds." Xander gave a sweet look. "Cash has feelings *too*! Shame to just leave money lying around like that. All uncared for. . ."

"Bloody klepto."

Xander smiled at Spike. "*Thief* damn you! I was fully *aware* of my *stealing* this money!" Xander smiled and pulled off five bills. "Here." He handed the money to Spike.

Spike snatched the money and pocketed it. "Don't you have something smaller? I just want a gift box." Spike asked, money deeply pocketed.

Xander grinned. "Nope. That's part of the evilness of WalMart. If you *have* the money, you will *spend* the money. My dare to you is that you walk into WalMart, buy the gift-box, nothing else, and come out, with only a gift box in hand."

"That's it? Go into the store, buy what I want and come out? And I get a blowjob? That easy? That sweet?"

"Yep. That easy. That sweet. Go."

"Are you gonna follow me?"

"Nope." Xander parked the car and turned up the music. "I'll just want to see the receipt."

"That's it?"

"Yep. That's it. Go forth and be one with the evil that is WalMart."

"Fine." Spike left the car and headed inside.

Xander waited ten minuets and then headed towards the exit, hiding behind a Pepsi machine. He had a Pepsi as he waited for Spike. It wasn't long before he heard an accented voice mumbling about the evils of WalMart. He popped out and confronted Spike. Spike of many bags.

"So!" He yelled. "What's in the bag?" He smirked. "Or should I say 'bagS'?"

Spike jumped. "You said you wouldn't follow me!"

Xander grinned. "I lied. What's in the bags? Seems like a lot for just a *giftbox*."

Spike grinned. Caught. And loving it. "I bought all kinds of stuff! You were right! I needed stuff I didn't know I needed. Like the new "Family Values Tour CD! Didn't even know they *had* a new one! Bought the old one too! Hehe. And I bought some new ice trays. . . yours are getting so's you can't even get ice outta them! And, I got-

"Seem's you lost the bet, eh?" Xander grinned.

"Yep. You owe me a blowjob. I *couldn't* just get the one thing."

Xander couldn't help but laugh. "That *wasn't* the bet! *You* owe *me* a blowjob."

"Are you *daft*? I wouldn't agree to such a bet! That *wasn't* the bet, pet. Now! My blow job, now or later? I'll leave that up to you."

"You said-"

"*I* said," Spike began, cutting him off. "I'll bet you a blow job I can get just the one thing. And I *couldn't*. You were right. So I get a blow job!"

"And if you *could* have gotten one thing?"

"Well, then I'd have been *right*, and you would get to *blow* me. Are you *slow* Xander? I used to think so, but then I changed me mind, but now I'm wondering again." Spike shook his head and began walking to the car, leaving Xander to muddle through the bet semantics.

"Spike!" Xander shouted.

"Yeah, pet?" Spike asked, still walking.

"I don't like you!"

"Yeah, but a deal's a deal an' a wager's a wager." Spike turned, walking backwards as he smiled at Xander. "An' I'll be wantin' me blowjob, pretty pet." He gave a grin and turned back around, making his way to the car and into the driver's seat.

"What makes you think I'm going to give you the keys?" Xander asked him, once he too, reached the car.

"Time." Spike smiled at him.

Xander glanced at his watch. "Time? Seems to me, time is more on *my* side. *I* don't fear the sun. I got plenty of time."

"Do'ya think so? *I* don't fear the death o' the slayer. Who's the one with the time, then, pet? You wanna wait till sun up? Wait till I have to crawl, all smokin' and whimpering' into the boot?"

Xander pulled the keys out of his pocket and looked at them. "We probably have lots of time left."

"Probably. All most certainly, really."

Xander walked to the passenger door, grumbling beneath his breath all the while, and climbed in, slamming the door shut. He fastened his seat belt and glared at Spike. "Do you *see* why no one likes you, Spike?" He asked the vampire while handing over the keys.

Spike took the keys and leaned over to buss Xander on the lips. He started the car and pealed out of the parking lot. "Yep! Cause I'm the Big Bad and everyone is jealous!" He smiled at Xander while passing a car in a no passing lane. "Aren't you glad we're fucking, pet?"

"Oh, yes. The joy."

"Oh, shit! Wrong way!" Spike threw out his arm, holding Xander in place. "Hold on, pet." With that, Spike cut a sharp U-turn and speed down the road.

"What? What wrong way? We weren't going the wrong way!"

Spike leaned over the steering wheel and floored the gas pedal. He turned to leer at Xander, licking his lips. "You know, pet. You know."

"Yeah." Xander sighed.

Spike laughed maniacally and Xander braced him self as Giles' trooper Honda crashed into the Welcome to Sunnydale sign, smashing it into smithereens. Spike pulled on the brake and turned the wheel, spinning the car around so it was once again facing the way home.

"Now. Wasn't that *fun* pet? That was fun! You can't tell me that wasn't fun!"

"Can we go home now, Spike?"

Spike revved the engine. "Yep. Let's go save us a slayer, with all our junk." Spike turned up the radio, and speed toward Giles's place. "Oh, and get me a blowjob! Let us not forget my blowjob."

"Yes. Your blowjob. Oh. The joy."

*****
Part 21:

"What? Why are you pulling over? We're almost home!" Xander demanded.

"My blow job." Spike told him, pulling over to the side of the road and parking.

"I am *not* blowing you on the side of the road, Spike."

"Watcher's drive way work better for you, pet?" Spike checked the rearview mirror before turning off the car. He left the radio on and moved the steering wheel up.

"I'm not blowing you at all! You cheated!"

"I did not cheat!" Spike unbuttoned his jeans.

"Yes you did!"

"Oi! I did not. Fine!" Spike unzipped his jeans with a grin before reaching over to press the release button on Xander's seatbelt. "I cheated. I cheat all the bloody time, Xander. I lie, I steal, I tell bright eyed, chubby-cheeked little urchins that the Santa they just sat on is really some ole perv that will be tossin' off thinking about them later on that night. I kick puppies and I drown kittens." Spike wiggled in his seat, pulling his jeans down a bit. "I spend countless hours dreamin' of killin' people you care about." He pulled his hardening cock out and gave it a fond squeeze. "Now be a good lad, and suck my dick, humm?"

Xander gave into his laughter and didn't stop until Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the back of his neck and pulled him over and down. Xander's open mouth settled nicely over Spike's cock.

"Mummff."

Spike arched up, pushing his cock deeper into Xander's mouth. "Watch the teeth, pet."

Xander bit him.

Spike snickered, pulling lightly at Xander's hair. "Pet! That's lovely. You know what I like. Speed it up a touch, though, would ya, pet? Traffic an' all." Spike closed his eyes, leaning his head back as Xander's mouth moved over him, urgent and hot. His eyes opened wide when Xander licked at his tightly drawn sac. "Not *too* fast, then, eh?"

*************************************************

Spike was whistling as he pulled the car into Giles' driveway. "Home, pet! An' all in one piece too. Not a bad time we had, huh?"

"So says the vampire that got head on the side of the road. Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you *really* kick puppies?"

"Course not! I *love* puppies!"

"Drown kittens?"

Spike gave the horn two sharp blasts. "Only the ones that scratch me." He grinned at Xander before popping the trunk. "Come on, Xander. Let's go save the slayer." He opened the door and climbed out as Giles' door opened, spilling forth the gang.

"Finally. I was beginning to worry." Giles said, looking at his car. Not at Spike or Xander. "It seems fine, doesn't it? Not a scratch on it." Just a touch of disappointment colored his comment.

"Of course it's fine! I took good care-." Spike paused mid-step and mid-sentence, on his way to the trunk. "What? Not a *scratch*?" Spike turned and made his way to the front of the car. "Well." He gave the front of the car a good look. Not a scratch, not a chip. Not even a wood chip from the Welcome sign. Spike grinned, slapping Giles on his shoulder. "This is a fine motor, Watcher. Give her a chance!"

"Um."

"So you have it?" Buffy asked, Riley trailing behind her.

"Oh! Yes. It's safe, then?" Giles asked.

Spike snickered. "Safe as yer car, Watcher." He cocked his head towards the trunk of the car. "It's in the boot." He walked back to the open trunk that Xander was going through.

"Watch yerself, pet! Don't touch the bleeding bowl!"

"What *is* all that stuff?" Riley asked.

"Presents! For every one but *you*, boy." He looked Riley up and down, before stating, "I don't like you."

"And I'm all broken up about that, Hostile 17."

"Name's Spike, boy."

"Is it?"

"Yes it *is* you-"

"Where's Willow?" Xander asked, moving between Riley and Spike.

"Here I am!" Willow rushed to give Xander a hug. "You're okay?"

Xander hugged her back, smiling at Tara over her shoulder. "I'm fine. Why? Were you worried about me?"

Willow nodded her head in the affirmative motion and said: "Of course I wasn't." She grinned, linking her arm with Tara's. "I knew you could do it." She grinned. "What, *exactly*, did you do?"

Xander puffed up a bit. "I-"

"He threatened people. He shot people. He stole stuff. He rescued me an' the poof. He-"

"He's lying. He's drunk. Don't listen to him." Xander began. "Hey! We have, along with our exclusive line of slayer saving magic bowls, *presents* for witches!"

"Presents? That's so nice!" Tara said; ignoring the silence the other's had created. She looked around at the others. "What?"

"You *shot* people, Xander?" Riley asked.

Xander shrugged. "No. I shot vampires."

Riley looked at Spike. "Cool."

Spike snickered. "Didn't shoot *me*, Doughboy."

Riley took a step forward. "Well, maybe he should-"

"Maybe we should bring in the item we need and perform the ritual, yes?" Giles cut in, looking at Spike. "Oh, and. . .the, uh, *other* things you mentioned? You do have those, don't you?"

"Yes, Watcher. I've got *your* presents, too."

Giles smiled. "Well. Let's go in, shall we?"

Spike grabbed the bowl and ordered the others to bring in the rest of his stuff. "An' be careful with it, mind you!"

***********************************

Spike placed his burden carelessly on the kitchen counter and headed to the refrigerator. "Got blood, Watcher?" He asked, opening the door and looking inside. "Yes! I'll kill you *quick* once I get the chance, Rupert, old boy." He snatched a pack of blood out and tossed it into the microwave. "My thanks for keeping a well stocked fridge."

Riley came in and dropped a bag. "Hey! Careful with that, ya dolt! That's got presents for the witches!"

Willow giggled. "Did you *really* get presents for us, Spike?"

Spike took his heated bag of blood out and dumped it into one of Giles' favorite coffee mugs and took a sip, before giving Willow a grin. "I did. Books of Spells. *Good* ones." He rifled through the bag and pulled out the leather bound books, handing them to Willow and Tara. "Play nice, ladies. Just keep me out o' them."

"I'd like to take a look at those, before you, um, *do* anything with them." Giles intoned.

"Of course." Willow murmured, flipping through the pages, Giles forgotten before the words left her mouth.

"And more for my favorite Watcher." Spike pulled out more books, pilling them on the kitchen table. "Am I a sweet chipped-vampire, or am I?"

"Spike, you are-." Giles stopped, picking up a book his eyes going wide with wonder. He ran his hand reverently over the cover. "Yes. Spike. This is. . .this is wonderf-."

"Hey!" Buffy demanded, coming into the kitchen with the rest of the bags. "What *is* all this crap?"

"Let me help you with that, Buffster." Xander said, feeling for and finding the bag of wigs. "Just put that stuff down. It's nothing. Well, it's stuff for you're mom, and more for Giles, Willow and Tara. Nothing you need to worry about." He dropped the wig-bag behind him and kicked it into a corner. "I'm just going to go in and. . .um. . . I'm going to go with Willow and Tara."

"Nothing?" Spike yelled at Xander's back. "It's presents! Present's for everyone!"

Buffy gave Spike a skeptical look. "You got me a present, Spike?"

"I got the bloody damn thing that'll save your worthless hide! That not *enough* for you, bint?"

Buffy shrugged, holding back a grin. "I suppose that's as good a present as presents go." She paused. "If that's what you're looking for." She cocked an eyebrow. "Giles?"

Giles looked up from his book. "Yes? What?"

"What's a 'bint'?"

Giles gave her a blank stare. "Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Bring the bowl into the other room, won't you?"

"Certainly." He picked up the Je'dellian bowl and carried it into the other room, smirking at Buffy and Riley on the way.

"Let's get this *done* with, shall we?" Giles muttered, still flipping through the pages of the book Spike had given him.

"Hey!"

Giles glanced up at Buffy's shout. He smiled. "So we may ensure the safety and longevity of our slayer."

Buffy grinned, crossing her arms over her chest and nodding her head. "Better."

"Right then. Places, everyone. Circle." He smiled. "I believe we all, ah, know the drill. Spike, place the bowl in the center, if you will."

"If I must."

"Just do it, Spike." Everyone in unison.

Spike placed the Je'dellian bowl into the center of the prepared circle and the others took their places.

Giles performed the brief ceremony.

There was complete anti-climax.

"That's it then? No thunder? No lightening? No Buffy bursting into flames for even a bleeding second? No orgasm?" Spike spoke up.

Riley stood up, grinning. "All good 'no' things for me!" He pulled Buffy up and hugged her. "I'm thirsty, though. Need a Pepsi. Guys? I got a twelve pack in Giles' fridge. Join me?" He looked around at the others.

"Job well, done." Giles said. "Um, Pepsi for everyone."

Riley smiled, heading for the kitchen. "Be right back."

"So that's it? Really?" Buffy asked. "I'm all safe and sound?" She rolled her eyes at Giles. "As safe as I'll ever be?"

"Yes. Not complicated, but necessary." He smiled. "We are finished. With *this* battle."

"Good! We can go home!" Willow said, picking up her spell books.

"You can't go home with those, Willow."

"And just why not? Spike gave them to *me*!" She smiled at Spike. "Didn't you?"

"I did, pet." Spike stood and grabbed Xander by the arm, pulling him up. "And speaking of going, Xander and I have to be."

"Spike!" Giles said, quickly. "You can stay here."

"No!" Xander said.

"Nope." Spike told the watcher, leading Xander towards the door. "Gotta stay with my little Xander."

"No, but-."

"Hey, what's this?" Riley asked, coming into the room with a tray of Pepsi and the bag of wigs.

Xander stopped. "That's just garbage, Ri. Toss it."

"It's *not*. That's *Buffy's* present!"

"No. It's not."

Riley handed the bag to Buffy. She shook it. She squeezed it. She handed it back to Riley. "Open it, honey."

"No!" Xander began. "Just toss it out! It's-"

"Let's go, luv." Spike opened the door and pulled Xander out. "I'll just be taking Xander home and keeping him."

Riley looked at the door as it closed. He handed the bag back to Buffy. He smiled at her. "*You're* the slayer. *You* open it."

*************************

"Spike, you could have just let sleeping wigs-" Xander began.

"Ewee!!!!!" Buffy yelled, loud enough for Spike and Xander to hear as they walked away from Giles place.

"Tell you what, pet. I enjoyed the slayer's 'eww' so much, I'll give *you* a blow job. How's that?"

Xander tossed his arm across Spike's shoulders. "That's good. I can deal with that."

*****************

"What *are* those?" Buffy demanded.

"Wigs?" Tara replied her tone meek. She perked up a bit and she smiled at the slayer. "Blonde ones. At least he got your color right."

~end~