No, they aren’t ours. We wish they were, but they aren’t. They belong to their creators. We make no money off them. We just take them out, put them in pretty dresses, and make them fight each other. Quotes from Shakespeare are marked. No harm, no foul. Feed the writers. Review.

Cowritten with Chrysalis. We were on IM one night, and being lovers of both Shakespeare and Buffy, we thought, ‘Hey, why not?’ You know that saying about the road to hell…well, we tried. Sunnydale went musical—who’s to say it can’t go Shakespeare?

Hell Hath No Fury

~A Play in Five Acts~

Act I

scene i

In Magic Box, S leaning against counter as X enters shop.

Spike:      'Allo, Xanpet. How's tricks?

Xander:    Could be better, at least there's no big bad in town.

S:             Oi!

X:            You're Jewish now?

S:             Fuck you.

X:            Nah, I got a headache

S:             Not what you said last night. Or the night before that.

                               S pushes off from the counter.

                Or when you had Anya in the sack. How is the fishy little cunt?

X:            She's fine.  How's Harmony?

S:             How the hell would I know? Dozy cow took off for Los Angeles last bleeding year.

Why are you dodging me here, Xan?

                               Pins X to counter.

                And why are you playing the Anya card tonight?

X:            You brought her up

S:             You know I can smell her.

                You could have showered,

                or at least wiped her off your mouth.

                               Spins around, jumping on the stairs.

                Voice WAY too calm. I don't like being played with, Xander.

X:            What do you want me to say?

S:             Why?

                I'm not enough?

                I'm a bleeding vampire, but even I can manage fidelity.

                You can't, no matter who you bed. Me, Anya, Willow, Cordelia, Faith...

                               Lights a cigarette.

                I might be chipped, but I'm not neutered, Xander.

X:            We never said we were exclusive

S:             Yes we did.

                               Walks up to X--right in his face.

                Several times, in fact.

                Parody of Xander's voice. Only you, Spike!.

X:            What about your fling with Buffy?

S:             Didn't happen, you limey prick.

X:            I saw you fucking her!

S:             Nope. Buffybot.

X:            Even worse! 

S:             And I don't make noise about your toys. So what if my dollies are nicer than yours?

At least MINE don't look like Tipper Gore!

                               Snarling, in gameface.

X:            You prefer a robot over me!

S:             You think you're some sort of Sunnydale lothario.

X:            It's called getting even.

S:             You went off with Anya for almost a month, left me with nothing,

knowing I wouldn't go off and find someone else.

                You know that I don't play that way.

                Never have.

                               Pacing.

                Cicely, Angelus, Dru, Harmony, You.

X:            You've got your robot to keep you warm at night

S:             I've had fewer lovers in 140 years than you had before graduation.

                You can't keep it in your pants long enough to get to work most days.

                Slut.

                Whore.

                Bitch.

                Cunt.

                Why don't you start charging?

X:            Why, so you can pimp me out?

S picks up a baseball bat, swings at X's head. Hits dead on, in spite of pain. X's out like a light. Locks door.

scene ii

Short time later, still in Magic Box.

S:             My show now, Xanpuppy.

                Nobody, NOBODY treats me like trash.

                Not you, not Drusilla, not Angelus, not 'you're beneath me' Cicely.

X:            uhhhh uhhh.

S ties X up with large quantities of rope. Stows him in storage room, then thumbs through books.

S:             You think you're so hot, Donut boy?

                               Finds volume, extracts from shelf, lies on counter.

                Funny thing, Xankitty, everyone thinks I can't do spells.

                Thing is, I did pick up some shit watching Angelus and Dru all those years.

                                X wakes up and mumbles some words and disappears.

                Nope!

                               S mumbles more and back comes X, still hogtied.

                Bad puppy!

                               X now dressed in leather, not much of it, magically bound.

                As I was saying, Xankitty, you're gonna pay, but I don't hate you.

                Cause no one messes with the Big Bad.

Since I don't hate you, Xannypoo, you're gonna suffer, and pay, but you won't die, nope.

Nothing that obvious. And you'll still be human, too.

                                Pulls out mortar & pestle, several jars, candles, etc.

X:            grunt

S:             Now is the winter of our discontent

                               Grinds up herbs

                Made glorious summer by this sun of York;

                               Still grinding, adds in more herbs.

                And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house

                                Dumps mixture, reloads, repeats.

                In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

                Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;

                               Starts grinding up resins--dragon's blood.

X:            grunt

S:             Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;

                Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,

                --What? You don't like the Bard?

                               Resumes recitation.

                Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.

                                Pulls out vials, starts mixing oils.

                Grim-visaged war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front

                And now, instead of mounting barded steeds

                To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,

 S sets down equipment, walks over to X, and licks up his neck. Returns to work.

                But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,

                                Pounds mortar.

                Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;

                               Flings resins into herb/oil mixture.

                I, than am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty

                               Lights candles.

                To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;

                I, that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,

                               Lights incense.

S:             Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,

                               Shouting at X.

                Deformed, unfinish'd, sent before my time

                Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,

                               Starts mixing herbs, oils and resins over flame.

                And that so lamely and unfashionable

                That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;

                               Wafts incense into mixture.

                Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,

                               Grimaces at word peace.

                Have no delight to pass away the time,

                Unless to spy my shadow in the sun

                And descant on mine own deformity:

                               Now screaming in X's face, mixture still on counter.

                And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,

                To entertain these fair well-spoken days,

                               Returns to mixture, picks it up, and stands in front of X.

                I am determined to prove a villain

                And hate the idle pleasures of these days.

                               Uses knife to carefully smear mixture on X's...naughty bits.

                Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous,

                By drunken prophecies, libels and dreams,[1]

Finishes smearing the stuff on X's face, hands, feet, chest, ass, you get the picture. X passes out.

S:             Ok, Xander, I've had my fun.

Unties, cleans up, redresses and situates boy.

X wakes, flopped on table, like he just nodded off or something. S smoking cigarette.

scene iii

B, G, W, T walk in one by one

Buffy:       Wakey, Wakey, Xander! B knocks on X’s head.

Willow:    Where's Anya? I thought she'd be joining us tonight.

X:            She'll be here later

Giles:       Are you alright, Xander? You look a bit peaked. Studies X's puffy face.

X:            Just a little tired is all

G:            Ah. Well, thank you for watching the shop for me.

I'll be closing early tonight; there's rumor of a particularly nasty demon in town,

and we need to work on it immediately.

B:            You name it ,I'll Slay it.

                               S cringes.

W:           Any clues so far?

                               Aa enters.

Anya:       Hello, nonpaying customers!

                               Aa walks over to X and kisses him on the cheek

G:            Good evening, Anya. G leers at girl. No one notices.

G:            The demon feeds on hampsters, and uses gerbils in its rituals.

X:            How now, my love! why is your cheek so pale?

                How chance the roses there do fade so fast?[2]

Aa:          Good riddence to the bunny-like creatures.

                               T's jaw drops as X recites poetry.

G:            It is not good, I fear. The rituals are designed to call forth a god of vengeance—

against humanity, for its cruel treatment of rodents.

                                X feels up Aa.

W:           What about Amy?

X:            Things base and vile, folding no quantity,

                Love can transpose to form and dignity:

                Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;

                And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:

                Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;

                Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:

                And therefore is Love said to be a child,

                Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.[3]

B:            Quit that, Xander!

G:            Yes, do quit that incessant recitation, Xander. Willow, we must be particularly careful for Amy.

Tara:        Would they take offense at her impersonating a rat?

                                S smirks

G:            Indeed they would. They may try to kill her.

                               S lights cigarette off of burning incense.

W:           Xander? Are you alright? X searches for Aa's tonsils.

X:            Well, I'm not feeling myself.  Anya, care to help me back to my place?

G:            No! You need to stay here and help us.

X:            A lovely boy, stolen from an Indian king;[4] Fawning over G.

G:            Do cease this foolishness. Pushes X toward Aa.

                               S chokes on his laughter.

X:            Give me that boy, and I will go with thee.[5]

                                W chokes trying to decide between laughing and shock.

                               T pats W on back, trying to help her gain control.

G:            I've changed my mind. Anya, take Xander out of here.

Aa:          Going!  Bye.

X:            With duty and desire we follow you.[6]

                               X, Aa exeunt. S grins widely as they leave.

B:            What's up with that?

S:             No clue. 

G:            Very well; Buffy, Willow, ask the local pet store owners if they've been getting

unusual orders for hamsters and gerbils, as well as rats, mice and guinea pigs.

S:             Aside. Wonder when Xander's going to start fretting over the lack of gerbils?

G:            Spike, you will accompany Tara and me to the old candy factory outside town.

We must search for corpses.

T:             G-gerbil corpses?

S:             Bloody hell. Snorts.

                               Exeunt all.

Act II

scene i

Next day. X with W, T, B on campus, heading toward Magic Box.

B:            So, Xander, how's Anya?

X:            Anya? You ask of Anya?

                And even for that do I love you the more.

                I am your spaniel;

                You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant;

                But yet you draw not iron, for my heart

                Is true as steel: leave you your power to draw,

                And I shall have no power to follow you.[7]

W:           Xander, cut it out!

                               X dances around B, pulling at her arms.

B:            What's gotten in to you?  Last night you had your tongue down Anya's throat,

and now your leering at me, like I'm the next meal.

X:            The more you beat me, I will fawn on you:

                Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me,

                Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave,

                Unworthy as I am, to follow you.

                What worser place can I beg in your love,--

                And yet a place of high respect with me,--

                Than to be used as you use your dog?[8]

T:             Bondage-kinky! giggling

B:            I am definitely not into bondage, Xander!

W:           You need to stop this.

X:            Your virtue is my privilege: for that

                It is not night when I do see your face,

                Therefore I think I am not in the night;

                Nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,

                For you in my respect are all the world:

                Then how can it be said I am alone,

                When all the world is here to look on me?[9]

                               X drops to ground at B's feet, sniffing at her skirt.

W:           Xander!

                               T pulls W over to one side.

T:             Willow, look at him. He reeks of magic.

W:           We better find out what kind and reverse it as soon as possible

B:            I'm out of here! B runs off.

X:            The wildest hath not such a heart as you.

                Run when you will, the story shall be changed:

                Apollo flies, and Daphne holds the chase;

                The dove pursues the griffin; the mild hind

                Makes speed to catch the tiger; bootless speed,

                When cowardice pursues and valour flies.[10]

                                X chases B.

W:           Let's go, Tara. This could be very, very bad.

                                Scene dims.

scene ii

S, alone, in cemetery, sitting on a gravestone.

S:             O, he misused me past the endurance of a block!

                an oak but with one green leaf on it would have

                answered him; my very visor began to assume life and

                scold with him. He told me, not thinking I had been

                myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was

                duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest

                with such impossible conveyance upon me that I stood

                like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at

                me. He speaks poniards, and every word stabs:

S stands, wandering through rows of graves, trailing fingers over the inscriptions.

Pounds on them occasionally.

                if his breath were as terrible as his terminations,

                there were no living near him; he would infect to

                the north star. I would not marry him, though he

                were endowed with all that Adam bad left him before

                he transgressed: he would have made Hercules have

                turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make

                the fire too.

                               S stops walking, shaking head sadly.

                                               Come, talk not of him: you shall find

                him the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God

                some scholar would conjure him; for certainly, while

                he is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a

                sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because they

                would go thither; so, indeed, all disquiet, horror

                and perturbation follows him.

S sinks back down onto a low gravestone, resting his head on his knees, curled up.

                Who woo'd in haste and means to wed at leisure.

                I told you, I, he was a frantic fool,

                Hiding his bitter jests in blunt behavior:

                And, to be noted for a merry man,

                He'll woo a thousand, 'point the day of marriage,

                Make feasts, invite friends, and proclaim the banns;

                Yet never means to wed where he hath woo'd.[11]

                                B enters cemetery.

B:            Spike? What are you doing? S looks up, then stands.

S:             Looking for a fight, why?

B:            Fledges at Eternal Rest. Wanna go?

S:             Sure.

                               Exeunt.

Act III

scene i

X, Aa stand outside Magic Box. W, B, T, G and S are inside.

X: To Aa. 'Doubt thou the stars are fire;

                Doubt that the sun doth move;

                Doubt truth to be a liar;

                But never doubt I love.[12]

Aa:          Get away from me.  You use me for sex, and then leave in the morning without a word. 

Next thing I know, You're chasing Buffy wanting to get up her skirt.  No more sex for you

X:            May be the devil: and the devil hath power

                To assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps

                Out of my weakness and my melancholy,

                As he is very potent with such spirits,

                Abuses me to damn me: [13]

                               Aa walks into the shop, with X following her.

Aa:          What kind of excuse is "the devil made me do it?

T:             Anya, give him some slack, he's under a spell.

Aa:          Still doesn't give him the right to just use me.

X:            Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a

                breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;

                but yet I could accuse me of such things that it

                were better my mother had not borne me: I am very

                proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at

                my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,

                imagination to give them shape, or time to act them

                in.[14]

G:            I think that you should just go home, Xander. 

We'll try to figure out what’s going on while you stay home alone tonight.

                                S lights a cigarette

X:            Parting is such sweet sorrow.

                               Exeunt X.

B:            B Shakes head, pounds head on counter. What is up with that boy? Serious wiggins here, Giles.

G:            I have no idea; however, much like you, I am concerned.

Wi:          It's a spell--Tara and I can see it.

T:             A strong one, too.

                               S smirks from around his cigarette.

B:            Who would do this to him?

Aa:          I don't care who did it, Buffy, you need to kill them.

                               S frowns.

Wi:          We need to focus on how to remove the spell.

G:            Correct. It would appear that Xander is not aware of who cast the spell—

I believe he would have mentioned it.

T:             It probably wiped his memories.

Wi:          But what kind of spell would make him horny AND speak only in Shakespeare?

T:             That's what we need to figure out.

S:             Aside I wonder that thou, being, as thou sayest thou art,

                born under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral

                medicine to a mortifying mischief. I cannot hide

                what I am: I must be sad when I have cause and smile

                at no man's jests, eat when I have stomach and wait

                for no man's leisure, sleep when I am drowsy and

                tend on no man's business, laugh when I am merry and

                claw no man in his humour.[15]

G:            Very well. Tara, you and I shall focus on Xander. Buffy, you, Spike and Willow

must continue the search for the rodent demon.

B:            Not a problem. There's been a serious run on animals from the local shops,

and the owners were more than happy to part with names.

G:            Spike has all the information from our search of the candy factory,

which turned up a number of interesting clues. Do not attempt to engage the demon;

we simply need his location.

                                B, S, W exeunt. Scene fades on Aa, G, T studying texts.

scene ii

X alone on bed, naked. Talks while masturbating.

X:            Such an act

                That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,

                Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose

                From the fair forehead of an innocent love

                And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows

                As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed

                As from the body of contraction plucks

                The very soul, and sweet religion makes

                A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:

                Yea, this solidity and compound mass,

                With tristful visage, as against the doom,

                Is thought-sick at the act.[16]

                               Scene fades.

scene iii

X wanders around university campus, dazedly. Students avoid him as he bumps into people and objects.

X:            O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!

                The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.[17]

Student 1: Huh? Excuse me, man, are you ok?

X:            Things growing are not ripe until their season

                So I, being young, till now ripe not to reason;

                And touching now the point of human skill,

                Reason becomes the marshal to my will

                And leads me to your eyes, where I o'erlook

                Love's stories written in love's richest book.[18]

Student 1: Steps back Man, you are seriously fucked up! Runs off.

X:            Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born?

                When at your hands did I deserve this scorn?[19]

Student 2: The Drama majors are over there, and the play has been cast.

X:            Swings student around in his arms

                I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again:

                Mine ear is much enamour'd of thy note;

                So is mine eye enthralled to thy shape;

                And thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me

                On the first view to say, to swear, I love thee.[20]

Student 2:  Put me Down!  don't make me get medieval on your ass!

                                Struggles away from X.

                Get away from me, you freak! Who the hell are you, some sort of Shakespeare serial killer?

X:            O, why rebuke you him that loves you so?

                Lay breath so bitter on your bitter foe.[21]

                                X continues to stumble about. Sits on a bench, dejected.

X:            Soft and fair, friar. Which is Beatrice?[22]

Student 3: I answer to that name. What is your will?

X:            Do not you love me?

Student 3: Why, no; no more than reason.

X:            Why, then your uncle and the prince and Claudio

                Have been deceived; they swore you did.

Student 3: Do not you love me?

X:            Troth, no; no more than reason.

Student 3: Why, then my cousin Margaret and Ursula

                Are much deceived; for they did swear you did.

X:            They swore that you were almost sick for me.

Student 3: They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.

X:            'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?

Student 3: No, truly, but in friendly recompense.

Student 4: Come, cousin, I am sure you love the gentleman.

Student 5: And I'll be sworn upon't that he loves her;

For here's a paper written in his hand,

A halting sonnet of his own pure brain,

Fashion'd to Beatrice.

Student 6: And here's another

Writ in my cousin's hand, stolen from her pocket,

Containing her affection unto Benedick.

X:            A miracle! here's our own hands against our hearts.

                Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take

                thee for pity.

Student 3: I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield

                upon great persuasion; and partly to save your life,

                for I was told you were in a consumption.

X:            Peace! I will stop your mouth.[23]

Kissing her. Scene fades.

Act IV

scene i

Enter W, T, B

W:           That was so sweet!

B:            I never thought Xander could be so romantic.

T:             Reciting Shakespeare to that girl…

S sneaks in stage left.

S:             Aside. Damn it to hell! He’s supposed to suffer, not fall in love! Aargh!

W:           Maybe we should to talk to Xander, you know? We were kind of mean to him.

T:             Yeah, we were.

W, B, T exit. S flops down on curb.

S:             Will you, I pray, demand that demi-devil

                Why he hath thus ensnared my soul and body?[24]

Enter large, horned demon.

D’Hoffryn: So, you’re Spike?

S:             Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here;

                This is not Spike, he's some other where.[25]

D:            Okay…well, anyway that spell you did was inspired. Brilliant, really.

S:             What do you know of it?

D:            Laughing. I keep track of all sorts of vengeance. He certainly deserved it, you know.

S:             Did he?

D:            But you’re really dwelling on the subject. Get over it, why don’t you?

S:             O, teach me how I should forget to think.[26]

D:            Smiling. I can do that, you know. I can certainly help you there.

S:             How?

D:            Well, what do you know about vengeance?

S:             I have a wealth of it for Xander.  I am my revenge.

D:            Is that so?

S:             Ay, mine own fortune in my misery.[27]

D:            Read any current literature, maybe? Never mind. I’ve got a proposition for you.

S:             Really? What?

D:            Work with me. Wouldn’t you like a better job? Sure, we all would.

Becoming a vengeance demon is the way to gain that job for you!

S:             Are you reading from a script?

D:            Yes.

S:             Would I have to?

D:            No, as long as you tone down the Bard.

S:             And I’d get to torture guys?

D:            All the time, Spike, all the time.

S:             What’s in it for me? Besides the torturing, that is.

D:            Great health coverage, dental. 401 (k), five weeks paid vacation.

S:             Dollar for dollar matching?

D:            Of course. And access to the company beach house in the Bahamas.

S:             Count me in.

D:            Come along, Spike. We have much to talk about.

scene ii

X, B, W, T, G, D gathered in Magic Box.

X:            So, you’ll come and meet her?

W:           We wouldn’t miss it for the world, Xander.

B:            Isn’t this a bit fast? I mean, yesterday you were spouting Shakespeare at us and crawling up our skirts.

W:           That was the spell, Buffy. When Xander found his true love, the spell was broken.

No more Shakespeare-spouting horndog.

X:            Willow! Such language around Dawn. Shameful.

D:            I hear worse before lunch.

G:            I agree that this is a most exciting development. I shall bring a jello mold.

W:           to T. Jello mold?

G:            With miniature marshmallows!

B:            Marshmallows?

G:            Perhaps an ambrosia salad, chilled of course.

X:            Um, thanks G-man, but I picked up beer already.

G:            Do you think she’d like some of these delightful doilies I’ve been crocheting?

B:            You crochet? Since when?

G:            And I found this lovely recipe for bread pudding online! It’s absolutely scrumptious!

T:             Willow, something’s not right here.

W:           Yeah, Giles used to gag on jello.

X:            Um, well, anyway, you all will show up, right? I’ve got to run and meet Ardelia.

W:           Ok. We’ve got to wrap up the hamster stuff anyway. Maybe we’ll figure out what’s up with Giles, too.

B:            Hmm…just how bad is the hamster thing? I mean, Giles is making jello!

T:             He’s cutting out coupons too…for polyester pants.

W:           You know, he’s beginning to resemble a...

S enters.

S:             Housewife, perhaps?

W:           Spike! What are you talking about?

S:             He always did mother you all too much. Isn’t that what Buffy said just this morning?

B:            Uh, yeah, at like five when he called to make sure I got out of bed.

S:             Your wish is my command, Slutty. Giles is now, and I quote, “an obsessed,

over-the-top housewife with a soap opera fixation.”

B:            And you accomplished that how?

S:             New job, pet. Vengeance demon.

B:            What! How did you become a vengeance demon?

S:             Well, I was shagging Xander, and he cheated on me with Anya.

                I cast that spell on him, and it was worthy of D’Hoffryn’s attention. Long story short, here I am!

Aa comes out from behind counter, where she was hiding.

Aa:          He was fucking you! That bastard! We’re engaged!

S:             Sorry, ducks. He liked stepping out on you. Said he was going to leave you for me.

Aa:          D’Hoffryn! You can’t just offer Spike a position and not me!

B:            What are they talking about?

W:           Spike’s a vengeance demon now. Anya wants to be one too.

T:             This seems very bad.

B:            Um, can we not do this, maybe?

Aa:          D’Hoffryn! I demand to speak to you!

Aa, S disappear in a cloud of smoke.

B:            Ok…

G:            Anyone for jello? It’s got bananas in it!

Scene fades.

Act V

scene i

Time: several months later. X, B, W, T, G, D, Ardelia sitting around G’s living room, eating cookies.

X:            I know I made fun of you, G-man, but these cookies are the bomb!

B:            Yeah, I so love oatmeal raison with pecans.

G:            Would you like the recipe? I found it on the back of the Quaker Quick Cook Oats box!

                Did you know that oatmeal has four grahams of dietary fiber per serving?

And so many vitamins and—

B:            Yup, I sure do. You told me just last week, remember?

G:            Ah, yes! Wasn’t that the same conversation wherein I reminded you about your annual pelvic—

B:            That too! And now for something completely different…

Xander, let me congratulate you and Ardelia again.

                I just know you two are in it for the long haul.

X:            Thanks, Buff. We’ll need all the help we can get, now that I’m enrolled in college.

You know, I never thought

                I’d end up liking drama as much as I do.

Ardelia:    He’s a natural! You all have to come to his first performance. It’s just a month away.

He’s playing Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman.

G:            Ooh! I just loved Dustin Hoffman in that! It was on last week, on TBS.

I believe it’s scheduled to show on their matinee special again soon.

Do you want me to tape if for you?

X:            Oh, don’t bother yourself with it. I can rent it from—

G:            Oh, posh! My new TiVo makes that so easy. I’ll just program it in right along with my darling soaps.

It’s too bad Anya left. Now I can’t watch All My Children. There’s just no way I can run the shop AND catch those lovely serials! If only someone would answer my ‘Help Wanted’ advert! Starts crying. It’s just too much! How can any one woman be expected to do it all! My house is a disgrace! Look at the dust! And the gloxinias,  truly shameful. I shouldn’t be subjecting you wonderful children to this. Turning to Willow. Another cup of tea, dear?

B:            To X. Hormones again.

W:           He is at that age!

X:            What age?

D:            Exaggerated. The Change of Life.

X:            Oh! Can he really…

W:           Shrugging. Hey, he complains about hot flashes.

S, Aa appear in a puff of smoke, invisible to the others.

S:             Well, isn’t this a right mess?

Aa:          Sighing. I had so wished they’d be in pain right now.

S:             It’s too bad your little curse on Xander didn’t pan out.

Aa:          How was I supposed to know they both liked sheep anyway?

I mean, most of the time when you get caught by Your fiancé doing a farm animal,

you get in trouble—they aren’t supposed to join in!

S:             You should have gotten that department store clerk to make another wish.

Aa:          She wouldn’t do it. Called security on me. Now he’s getting married and has a wonderful life.

S:             Look on the bright side. This provides you with much fuel for the vengeance.

Aa:          Tell me about it! You should have seen what I did to Angel when he cheated on Cordelia with Lilah.

S:             Do tell. The anticipation is killing me.

Aa:          Well, let’s just say that Cordelia could have a real future in vengeance.

S:             Well?!?

Aa:          Giggling. It was so much fun!

S:             Anyanka!

Aa:          She asked me to change him from a rooster into a chicken.

S:             Frowning. But…she didn’t!

Aa:          Howling. Remember that lawyer, Lilah? She can’t look at him and keep a straight face anymore.

She calls him “Angela!”

S, Aa fall to floor in laughter.

G:            Did you hear that?

B:            What?

G:            I’m quite sure I heard maniacal laughter.

X:            Hot flashes, G-man.

G:            Sniffling. That’s not funny, Xander! Just wait until you’re my age.

X:            One word, G-man. Viagra.

S:             Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

G:            What? Is there a sheep in my house? Dirty, filthy animals!

X chokes on tea. Scene fades. S left alone.

S:             If we demons have offended,

                Think but this, and all is mended,

                That you have but slumber'd here

                While these pratfalls did appear.

                And this weak and idle theme,

                No more yielding but a dream,

                Gentles, do not reprehend:

                if you pardon, we will mend:

                And, as I am an honest Fuck,

                If we have unearned luck

                Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,

                We will make amends ere long;

                Else the Spike a liar call;

                So, good night unto you all.

                Give me your hands, if we be friends,

                And a wish shall restore amends.[28]

Exeunt S.