•••

“How dare you!” Andres della Vigna spat at his lover.

Sophia Laustranelle bit her quivering lip. “You know you’re the love of my life, Andres. It’s just that he’s so… dark and *powerful*.”

“And I am not? Am I not dark and powerful? Am I not enough man for you?” He asked harshly, stalking over to her. She quailed under that whiskey-dark gaze.

“Oh, Andres!” She cried, throwing herself at him. He backed away just as her perfectly manicured nails grazed his heaving, sculpted chest.

“Never! You will never touch me again, you filthy whore!” Andres declared as he turned and swept out of their charming mountain villa. He ignored her impassioned pleas as he threw himself into his Lamborghini and sped down the curving, twisting road. “I will find another, someone faithful and beautiful and worthy of me,” He vowed. Surely somewhere in California was a woman deserving of his perfect attentions.

•••

Spike yawned widely and stretched his arms high. He studiously ignored Dawn’s curious glance, wondering if any of the humans present knew just how jaw-droppingly boring they had to be to make a vampire *need* to yawn. Vampires didn’t have to breathe, didn’t need to worry about those pesky oxygen-flow issues. Yawns weren’t even ‘catching’ for vampires. No, the truth of the matter was that this group was simply boring. Dead boring. Just as the blonde was about to push himself off the table and head out to beg some demon to fight with him, Willow and Buffy swept into the shop.

“I don’t care what you *meant* to do, you crass, bleach-blonde bimbo, the fact is, you *leered* at my girlfriend. How could you? You know Tara is MINE. She wouldn’t look once at you, much less twice,” Willow spat, hands clenched at her sides.

Buffy tossed her hair over one bare shoulder. “Look, *Red*, I wasn’t checking out the goods on *your* girl. I mean, come on! She’s…frumpy.”

“FRUMPY?” Willow screamed. Spike watched, awed, as Willow’s hands suddenly unclenched and flew up toward Buffy’s face. His jaw dropped open as the witch grabbed a double handful of slightly-fried Slayer hair and yanked. Hard.

“YOU BITCH!” Buffy screamed. She reached for Willow, grasping the witch’s breasts and twisting hard. That elicited a tortured howl from the young woman. Soon the two were writhing on the floor, screaming, kicking and biting.

“Oh my,” Giles murmured softly. “Do cease this,” He commanded, looking down at the two young women. Buffy stopped immediately and rolled away.

“Fine. You tell her, Giles, that she’s seeing things. I’m so not after Tara,” Buffy demanded, flouncing.

Giles let his eyes linger over Buffy for a long moment. “Willow,” He began, not looking at the witch, “Buffy is not interested in Tara. Please refrain from attacking her. Besides,” He continued, finally directly addressing the redhead, “There is research to be done.”

Willow slowly rose from the floor. “What is it this time?” She asked, skirting around the Slayer, who hissed.

“We must research intensely on the subject of Waeero demons,” Giles replied, handing books to the girls.

“Why them?” Buffy asked. “I thought we ran the last pack out of town on a rail some six months ago.”

“Yeah, right after we found them trying to do a hostile takeover of all the nail salons in town,” Willow added.

“They’re back,” Dawn said darkly. She jumped up from her chair and trotted over to Giles. “They’ve not only bought out six nail salons, but also three massage parlors and a dry-cleaners.”

Buffy looked horrified. “Oh yeah, we are so on this one.”

“I can’t believe it, but I actually agree with you,” Willow added. “I mean, have you seen Waeero demons do nails? They *cut* my cuticles last time!” All three girls shuddered.

Spike finally realized his mouth was hanging open. He closed it with a snap, but didn’t stop staring at the other people in the room. <What the hell is going on here?> He asked himself. Since when did Buffy look at girls at all? And Willow, hair-pulling? The vampire hadn’t missed the appraising look in Giles’ eyes when the older man had separated the two girls. The Watcher wanted the Slayer. Confused and more than a little scared, Spike made for the door.

“Where are you going, Spike?” Buffy asked harshly. “We’ve got to research!”

“Uh… I think I’ll check on that beauty parlor across town. Think I saw a few nasties hanging around it yesterday,” Spike made up as he got to the door. For some reason he really feared being forced to stay and watch more of this horrific nightmare.

“Great! Come back as soon as you’re done,” Buffy said as he ran off.

•••

Spike tore down the street, desperate to get away from the Magic Box. He heaved an unnecessary sigh of relief when he saw Xander strolling his way. “Xander!” He yelled, trying to get the boy’s attention.

Xander looked up from the sidewalk. “Spike,” He said dully. Why, oh why did Spike always seem to show up at the *wrong* time? He never appeared when Xander needed him to, when he was hard and aching, his cock weeping from need. No, he only showed up once Xander had given up hope of ever actually catching the vampire’s attentions. That left him with painfully little to fulfil his fantasies—a glance here and there, those subtle insults…

Spike frowned. The kid didn’t look so good. “Have you been around Buffy and Willow today? They seem a bit off.”

Xander looked eyes shining with love and devotion. “No. Why would I be around them? They don’t do anything for me.”

The vampire took a step back. <What the hell…> “Ah. Well then, they’re doing research at the shop. You might want to help them.” With that, Spike took off again. He was getting a really bad feeling.

Xander watched Spike run off. Great, now he was hard. *Again*. <Might as well go help with the research.> Or maybe not…

Meanwhile, Spike continued to run down the street, toward Restfield. When he reached his crypt, he slammed the door shut and ran back to his bed, throwing himself down. He had no idea what was going on, but it scared him shitless.

A creaking noise caught his attention. “Who’s there?” He shouted toward the front of the crypt. Nothing answered him…except a whimper. He got up and crept toward the noise.

And found Xander, puffy-faced from crying, leaning on one of the crypt’s walls. “Xander?”

Xander looked up to see concern and fear blazing in his beloved’s shining lapis orbs. He couldn’t stand it anymore—the lies, the faked hatred, the feigned indifference. With a low moan of despair, Xander cast himself at Spike’s feet, tears falling like water. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Spike stared down at the boy who was currently ruining the carefully applied finish on his boots. “Xander?” He tried again, wondering what this was about. “Are you…”

Xander hugged Spike’s legs harder. “I can’t do this anymore, Spike. I can’t keep on hurting you. You’re my soul, my other half. Without you I’m nothing, a shell of a man. That’s why I broke if off with Anya—every time I closed my eyes I saw you. Whenever I was near you, I almost tore your clothes off. I can’t live without you anymore.”

For the second time in less than an hour, Spike found himself scraping his jaw off the floor. “Right.” For the vampire, there was only one possible explanation for the goings-on of the past few minutes: an impending apocalypse. He tried to extricate himself from the boy, but only ended up getting himself more firmly enmeshed in the youth’s arms. Xander tried to crawl up the vampire’s body, only to bring Spike down to the ground instead.

“Christ, Xander,” Spike cursed as the boy climbed on top of him, raining wet, soppy kisses all over his face. He could smell the lad’s arousal—who couldn’t? He tried to push the boy off, but failed—Xander was surprisingly strong.

“I’ll be good,” Xander moaned as he pressed grateful lips to adored flesh. “It’ll be so good for you,” He murmured, pulling off Spike’s and his own clothes. Surprisingly skilled hands reached for Spike’s shock-softened erection, quickly bringing him to hardness.

Spike just stared as Xander stripped them down. <Where the hell did the boy learn *that*?> He thought to himself as Xander fondled him expertly. He wasn’t sure this was a good idea…actually he *knew* it wasn’t a good idea, but then again, he wasn’t a particularly good person. And that warm, fevered flesh felt so good. The fact that Xander was now trying to remove his brains via his cock didn’t help his resolve one bit. “Xander…”

Xander looked up, thrilled to see Spike losing control. Yellow eyes and beautiful ridges graced that glorious face. He climbed back up Spike’s body, hovering over that ivory form. “Gods, I love you, Spike. I want you forever.” With a sudden move, he sank down on Spike’s cock. The vampire bit back a scream, waiting for the chip to go off. It didn’t.

“What the fuck?” He shouted, even as he bucked up into impossible warmth and slickness.

Xander grinned and tightened his muscles around Spike’s cock. “I’m always ready for you, Spike. Always stretched and wet. I even wear a buttplug. All day. Just waiting for you,” He panted as he rode the vampire. He leaned down, so his throat was just above the vampire’s teeth. Spike whined, wanting so badly to bite, to feel hot blood pouring down his throat. With a snarl he reached up and tried to push Xander away.

Xander laughed and bent back down. “Do it. Bite me, Spike. Make me yours. Drain me dry, drink me down. Turn me so I can always have this,” He pleaded. When Spike just stared, hips still thrusting up into him, Xander took the initiative and forced his throat down onto Spike’s fangs.

Spike once again waited for the chip to go off, and yet again it failed him. He felt his fangs just pierce the surface of Xander’s skin, drawing a trickle of sweet blood. With a moan, he grasped the boy’s head in strong hands and bit down in earnest. Xander screamed and came, clamping down on Spike’s weeping cock.

The blonde kept thrusting up into Xander, even as he drained every drop of blood from the boy’s body. Xander thrashed and moaned, becoming aroused again. He also grew weak as he lost massive amounts of blood. Spike used his weakness to his own advantage, flipping Xander over onto his back. The vampire jackhammered into that willing body, pulling away from Xander’s neck to rip open his own and press the lad’s face to the open wound. Xander sucked greedily, feeding as though the demonic instinct were already in place. Spike howled and pumped his release into that hot ass, welcoming oblivion.

Spike woke up to the sensation of someone licking him. He glanced down his body to see Xander, golden eyes shining, taking to his cock like it was a lollipop. “Don’t just pretend, childe. Suck it.” Xander grinned and complied, happily slurping the huge cock deep into his throat, swallowing greedily. Spike arched and reached down to hold Xander’s head as he enthusiastically fucked his new childe’s mouth. Yeah, something was screwy in Sunnydale, but who the hell cared?

•••

Dawn looked up from her researching. <Why can’t he see me like that?> She asked herself. Giles was practically drooling over her sister. It was so gross! Everyone knew that Buffy thought Giles wasn’t good enough for her. <More like she’s not good enough for him.> Dawn, though, knew that she was good enough for Giles—and he was good enough for her. If only she could prove it to him.

“I’m going to see what’s keeping Spike,” Buffy announced. She needed to get away from that hussy, Willow. Before anyone could stop her, the Slayer flounced out of the shop. Dawn glared after her, wanting nothing more than to stop her sister and tell her just how stupid she looked, *flouncing* everywhere like an overblown Miss Piggy doll.

“I need to check on Tara,” Willow said a few minutes later. She was sure Buffy was using Spike as an excuse to go chase her girl. Dawn grinned behind her book. Once the redhead was gone, Giles would be all hers!

“Ah,” Giles said, still staring after Buffy. “Very well.”

Dawn got up and walked over to Giles. “You know she’s never going to want you.”

The Watcher looked up owlishly. “Who? What? I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

The teenager straddled Giles’ lab, placing a soft finger on his lips. “You do know, Rupert. Buffy is selfish and no good for you. She doesn’t understand you like I do.”

Giles recoiled, staring at the creature on his lap. “Dawn…” She leaned forward, pressing her lips to his. He tore himself away, pushing her off him and bounding to the other side of the shop. “No!”

Dawn stared at the floor. “Why?” She cried out, pounding her fists on the ground. “Why doesn’t anyone love me? What is it about me? Am I that repulsive?”

Giles, even in his horror, took pity on the girl. There was so much she didn’t know, hadn’t been told. And it was all his fault—all of this was. If only he—and Joyce—had been honest from the start. Then none of this would be happening. He walked over to the girl, who was tearing up a small area rug with her hands. “Dawn…”

She looked up at him hopefully. He winced.

“I do love, you,” He began. “But not like that. I cannot ever be like that with you,” He said.

“Why not?” She wailed. “You like Buffy, why not me?”

“It would be wrong,” He murmured, staring at the precious girl.

“I’m not *that* young,” She replied harshly. “Besides, it’s not like I’m a virgin or anything. Tara and that Parker guy took care of that a long time ago.”

“Oh,” Giles muttered, not sure just how to take that bit of news. “No, Dawn, I can never touch you because… because you’re my daughter.”

“WHAT?” Dawn screeched. Giles knelt by the distraught girl.

“It’s true, Dawn. Your mother and I… we met at a real estate conference in Akron. It was just a night of drunken passion, but one I’ll never forget. It produced you, although Joyce made me swear never to tell a soul. She was ashamed of me, of what she’d done,” Giles explained.

Dawn looked up at her newfound father. “That’s why dad never liked me?” She asked, referring to Joyce’s ex-husband. “And why he kept trying to do me in the laundry room?”

“Yes, that’s why,” Giles said. “He tried to do you?”

The girl shrugged. “Yeah, but he never got past second base.”

•••

Buffy ran through the streets, looking for Spike. She hadn’t found him at the salon, so now she was on the hunt. “Damn him,” She cried, wanting to hit something. A moment later, she did—a glistening wall of manflesh.

“Are you alright?” It asked softly. Buffy stared up at the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Tall, greek-god perfect. Oiled, bulging muscles, long, dark hair, tender, puppy-dog eyes.

“No, I’ve fallen,” She whispered, mouth watering.

“May I help you up?” The stranger asked, offering his arm.

“Oh, yes,” She said, taking his hand. She didn’t relinquish his hand once she’d regained her feet. “Who are you?” She asked breathlessly.

“Andres della Vigna,” the man replied. “And you?”

“Me? I’m in love,” Buffy replied.

Andres grinned. This one would do nicely. “I’m glad that you are. And what should I call you, my love?”

“Buffy.”

“Buffy,” He echoed. “Different. What are you doing out at this late hour, all by yourself?”

“Looking for you,” Buffy said absently. She wondered if he’d mind her just sucking on that patch of skin right above his left nipple.

•••

Spike finally convinced Xander they needed to get dressed. “Look, we can’t just disappear. If we do, the Slayer will come looking for you and stake both of us.”

“So I can’t tell them I’m your new love-slave?” Xander whimpered forlornly. He loved the new cockring Spike had put on him and wanted to show it off.

“Just for a bit, then it doesn’t have to be a secret,” Spike assured the boy. “We just need to think up a reason for you to leave town.”

Xander thought for a moment. “We could say that I got a job offer at that Swedish massage parlor that just opened in el Chico.”

“They’d believe you?” Spike asked incredulously.

“I was a stripper,” Xander reminded him.

“Right. Forgot about that,” Spike said absently. When had his nummy been a stripper? The possibilities danced through his head. “Fine. Let’s go.”

Spike and Xander were halfway to the Magic Box when they saw Buffy walking with a stranger. “Who’s that?” Xander asked, pointing at the guy.

“I don’t know. Looks like their heading over to Buffy’s place.” He didn’t like the looks of the guy—kind of creepy and nasty. Even from where they were, Spike could smell an overpowering patchouli scent. It reminded him of balding Italian men.

“Let’s get ahead of them. Maybe we can hide out in her house and figure out what’s going on. We can outrun them, can’t we?” Xander asked, flashing his golden eyes.

“Yeah, come on,” Spike said, shaking his head. This night kept getting stranger and stranger, but he was willing to play along.

Once at the Summers house, they found Tara and explained what was going on. She agreed that they needed to figure out who the guy was—after all, Buffy was supposed to be doing her, not some overgrown piece of manflesh. “She’s my Slayer, not his,” Tara vowed.

“Where’s Willow?” Xander asked as they tried to think up a plan.

“I sent her out for ice cream. She never leaves me alone; I think she suspects something,” Tara muttered. Spike just kept one hand under his jaw. Since when was Tara actually fucking Buffy? The utter absurdity of the situation should have shocked him more than it did, but then again, he’d just been fucked senseless by Xander Harris—who was now his childe.

“I know! Tara, you play dead—if she’s ‘into’ this guy, it’ll just make her happy and she’ll talk more. Then we can figure out what’s going on!” Xander suggested.

“That’s got to be the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard,” Spike muttered. “But fine. Do what you want.” He had a full belly and a satisfied cock. As long as Buffy didn’t try to stake him, he was happy.

Tara cast a few quick spells to ensure she looked dead, then laid down on the floor. “But, what if they figure it out?” Xander inquired. “They might try to hurt her!”

Tara sat up. “Why don’t we make it look like you attacked me? Then I can play dead, and you can look like I stunned you with a spell. You can even leave your eyes open.”

“Oooh! Then I can see what’s going on!” Xander exclaimed. Spike choked. Maybe he should make a hasty exit. He started backing out of the kitchen. “Spike? You’ll be listening, right?”

<Fuck!> “Sure, mate, right in here.”

•••

Buffy giggled as Andres tickled her. She unlocked and opened the front door. “Here’s home sweet home.”

Andres looked around, wincing at the middle-class chintz. “You, a princess, live in this hovel?”

Buffy rolled her eyes and snorted. “Not my choice. My dead mom tied up all the money in this stupid trust for my kid sister. Until she turns 21 or dies, it’s hands off the dough.”

“Ah,” Andres murmured. “This is a lot of money, then?”

“Millions,” Buffy replied. “Stupid bitch. I wish we could get rid of—Oh my god. What the hell is this?” She screamed. They’d just reached the living room. “Tara’s… dead. What’s wrong with Xander?”

Andres looked at the bodies. “I think he’s in a magickal coma. Perhaps they had a fight?”

Buffy peered at the two. “Maybe. Xander probably tried to fuck her—he’s a real horndog. She’s not into sausage, though, so she probably…well, at leas that’s two problems taken care of.”

“What do you mean?” Andres asked curiously.

“Well, Tara’s this little twat I’ve been doing, just for fun, but she was getting clingy. And Xander, well, he’s had a thing for me for years, and if I just left, he’d follow. This gets two out of the way.” She thought for a moment. “If we off Dawn, the money’s ours… we can do lots with 29 million, you know. And Giles will just climb in a bottle if I vanish—he’s been panting after me since day one.”

Andres smiled. This one was wonderful—bloodthirsty and beautiful. He would lock her in his mountain hideaway, where no one else could sample her charms. “And the other… Willow, you said?”

“I’ve got something special—38 special, planned for that bitch,” Buffy said evilly.

Unfortunately for the plotting couple, Giles and Dawn chose that moment to walk in the door. “Buffy! Guess what? Giles is my dad!” Dawn exclaimed. “Who’s the himbo?” She added, looking at Andres.

Buffy sputtered madly. “Dad? What the fuck?”

Giles blushed. “Your mother and I hid the truth for far too long, Buffy. It’s time I came clean. Dawn is my true daughter.”

Xander had heard enough—as had Tara. He sat up suddenly. “Good, so you can take care of her after I kill Slutty!”

Everyone whipped around. “You’re not in a coma!” Buffy shouted.

“And I’m not dead!” Tara exclaimed, rising. “You cheating bitch!” She turned to Giles and Dawn. “She’s been fucking me, lying to me about how much she loves me. Now she’s got this airhead freak, and she wants to kill Dawnie to get her trust fund!”

“And she’s going to shoot Willow!” Xander added angrily.

“I’d like to see her try,” Willow spat from the doorway. “I knew she was doing Tara, making my love feel ashamed and forcing her to hide it. But to go after Dawn?” She waved a hand, spinning Buffy around. “You’re gonna burn for that!”

Andres watched in terror as Willow started to set Buffy’s clothes on fire. “Noooo!” He shouted, eyes glowing a vivid green. “You cannot take my love!” He knocked Willow to one side. “She’s mine!”

Xander tried to separate the two, but was thrown across the room by Andres, who now sported three inch-long talons and a forked tongue. Spike heard his childe’s cry of pain and ran out of the kitchen. As soon as he saw Andres, he knew what was going on. “Sodding Blustrudius demons,” He muttered, pulling out a knife. He reached for Andres’ hair, pulling the demon down to the floor. As the huge man writhed and clawed at Spike, the vampire raised his dagger, thrusting it expertly into Andres’ gall bladder. Before the demon could recover, Spike began the chant that would banish him. “I call upon the great god Timmy! Timmy, banish this foul specter, who would abuse your gifts, your power and your glory!”

A puff of smoke heralded the arrival of a diminutive, blonde figure. “Andres! How could you!” Timmy exclaimed. Clucking sadly, he walked over to the demon. “I should whip you for this. I’m sorry, Andres, but I have to take you back to our dimension. At least until you’ve learned not to fool with mortals like this.” He waved his hand and Andres disappeared, howling. Timmy turned to Spike. “Spike, thank you for this great deed. As a show of gratitude, allow me to remove that heinous chip,” Timmy said, waving his hand at the vampire. “And,” Timmy continued, his voice ringing out across the entire planet, “Let it be known that the vampire Spike, as well as his secret love-childe Xander, shall from this point forward until the end of time be under the protection and auspices of Timmy!” With that pronouncement, Timmy disappeared.

Buffy looked down at the carpet, which had spots of Andres’ bile on it. She was in so much trouble.

Willow looked at Spike. “What exactly is a Blustrudius demon?”

Spike stood up and went to help Xander. “You’d call them a ‘soap opera’ demon. They cause overblown emotions, erratic behavior, and the like. He was looking for a new mate.”

Xander looked over at Spike. “You’re not mad at me, are you, Sire? I didn’t mean to force you.” He was really afraid Spike would try to dust him for nearly raping him.

Spike’s face turned gentle. “No, Xander. I’m just going to make you blow me five times a day for the next ten years or so.”

“Oh. Ok,” Xander said happily. He liked sucking Spike off.

Dawn looked at Buffy, then at Giles. “Giles, when you go back to England, can I go with you?”

“Of course,” Giles murmured. “I’m not letting Buffy anywhere near you.”

Tara just stared at Willow. “Willow—“

Willow looked back at her girlfriend. “We’ll work it out, Tara, away from Buffy. Come on.” Tara took Willow’s outstretched and the two witches left arm in arm.

“What about me?” Buffy pleaded at Giles.

Giles, who was leading Dawn away, stopped. “Go fuck yourself, Buffy.” He continued out the door, keeping Dawn in front of him. He used to want her more than anything, but things change.

Spike led Xander out through the kitchen. He didn’t think Buffy would cross Timmy, but he wasn’t taking any chances. “So, where are we going?” Xander asked his Sire.

“Wanna go see granddaddy?” Spike asked evilly.

“Angel? Won’t he try to…” Xander began nervously.

“Nah, we’ve got Timmy watching over us,” Spike said happily. “And my god will never let us come to any harm.”

This short fic is a response to a Soap Opera Challenge posted by Jake, which read as follows:

A Soap Opera Demon comes to Sunnydale and affects our favorite characters. This is your chance for overblown purple prose, etc.

Should have three of the following:

* The discovery of an unexpected and unusual relationship, e.g. Xander being Giles' cousin, put up for adoption by an agonized aunt as she hides her secret shame of having had an affair with... You get the picture.
* A secret love-childe. Note the "e."
* An overblown declaration of passion.
* A major power play, financial, familial, or whatever, but not magical and not involving the Hellmouth.
* Timmy.
* A faked death.
* Scheming people talking about their plots in front of a comatose protagonist, who hears everything and awakens just in time to save the day.
* A scene where two of the male characters discuss their innermost feelings in intimate detail, revealing a layer of heretofore-unsuspected introspection.