Family Part 15

Title: Family Part 15

Author: Velvet Crypt

Disclaimer: Joss is God. I own nothing.

Spoilers: Um…total non canon.

Summary: Xander’s world falls apart.

The rest of the day passed in a haze. The Scooby gang appeared like magic. Spike would have been wary of the witches and their spells had he not heard Wesley on the phone whispering the circumstances to Giles. So, Xander’s original surrogate family sat in the living room, clustered around him. They comforted him and tried to cheer him up.

What bollocks. Though Spike knew that they meant well, it was bloody stupid to think a funny story remembered could dull the pain of having your children taken away. The Watchers both huddled in the kitchen nattering on about lawyers and codes and regulations. He knew they were trying to help too, but he really just wanted everyone to fuck off so he could mourn alone with Xander.

Finally, losing his patience, he headed up the stairs to Nate’s room, knowing no one would follow him. He lay on the bed and curled around Nate’s pillow, breathing in the scent of his boy. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in the material, letting it soak up the tears that he refused to shed in front of the others.

He felt a hand on his back and tensed. Then, he recognized the strength in the hand and the coolness of the flesh. Bloody hell, he sighed inwardly, trying to wipe away the tear on the pillowcase before he looked up. Not that it mattered. Angel could smell the misery on him.

“What, Peaches?” He rasped.

“Everyone is trying to make Xander feel better.” The older vamp said softly. “They think can guess how he feels and know what to give him in order to comfort him.” Spike snorted. He glanced up at the dark haired man standing patiently at his side and flushed at the shared sadness in the deep eyes.

“They don’t understand…can’t understand how it feels, Childe. But they are trying the only way they know how. And it makes the pain lessen if they feel they are doing something useful.”

Spike clenched his fists in the sheet. “Useful. I’ll show them useful. I should kill the bloody bastards.” Angel sat, willing to let the conversation drift over to the real reason Spike chose to be up here alone, suffering in silence.

“You should, yes.” He agreed. “But you can’t.” Spike’s eyes flashed.

“Don’t you think I know that? Do you have any idea-“ He stopped abruptly and slashed at the air with an angry hand. Angel met his furious gaze.

“Yes, Childe, I know.” He whispered. I know how it feels to have laid claim to your kin and then have them taken from you. I know how it feels to know nothing you can do can help. To know that the only thing you have to offer isn’t enough, isn’t what’s needed.” His own eyes flashed yellow and Spike stared into them, transfixed.

“I know, Wil.” I know the helplessness, the hurt…”

“Sire, I…”

“Shhhh.” Angel placed a finger on Spike’s lips. Sweet, sweet lips that belonged to another. His boy was no longer his. He’d lost him, lost his claim on him long ago. Wil ceased to be his when Angelus was caged, when he had to leave his boy and Dru because he lost that which made him a proper sire. When he gained that which allowed him to feel the agony his Childe was feeling now. What a trade.

Even though Angel hated the circumstances that brought them to this point in time, a small part of him reveled in the feeling of his boy in his arms, needing him again. He drew Spike’s head into his lap, giving the younger man a tiny bit of privacy to grieve, and carded his fingers through soft blonde hair.

He set up a sub-vocal purr that resonated through both of their bodies and let his boy cry himself to sleep.

____________________________________________________

“Well, we’re ready,” Cordy said quietly. Quiet was the word of the day. The whole house would have resembled a mortuary, everyone whispering, somber words, dark clothing. She sighed as Xander just nodded in reply as he sat on the couch staring vacantly at the coffee table in front of him.

Shaking her head, she moved to hug Willow and Buffy goodbye. She took the shyly offered hand Tara held out and pulled the blonde into a hug as well. Kissing Dawn on the forehead, she tapped the perky nose that was still red from crying, and then kissed Giles on the cheek.

Wesley shook hands with everyone and Angel hugged everyone but Giles, to whom he gave a warm smile. As Angel stepped back, he glanced across the room and raised an eyebrow. “Spike?” Xander sat up, confused as Spike nodded and hoisted a bag over his shoulder. The vamp walked to the side of the couch and looked down at Xander.

“Spike? What’s going on?” Xander asked, fear turning his voice into a whisper.

“I’m leaving with Angel.” Spike replied quietly. Xander stood up.

“What are you talking about? Why?” A hint of desperation began to color his speech. Spike ran a hand through his hair.

“Look, Xan. This is my fault.” Xander tried to protest, but Spike overrode him. “No. Listen to me, luv. If I were a woman, this would be bad enough. But, I’m not.” He smiled wanly. “I’m your illegal alien, male, gay lover.” Xander visibly flinched. “I can’t do anything here, Xander. My normal methods of solving problems won’t work. My presence is damnation enough for your parents. If I stay, I’ll just give them more ammunition. Xander, if I stay, you’ll never get your kids back.”

Xander shook his head violently. “No. No, Spike. You can go back to the crypt, or move in with someone else. You can get your own place! You don’t have to leave. LA is so far away.” He concluded forlornly. Spike dropped his bag and took Xander by the shoulders.

“Xander, I’m weak. I can’t stay here. I can’t stay near you. Anywhere in this town is too close.” He squeezed Xander’s shoulders until the warning twinge from his chip began to buzz. “I can’t be near you and not be with you.” His eyes pleaded for understanding. “I want you, Xander. I want you in my bed, in my life. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to kiss you and soothe you to sleep at night. I want it all.”

Xander blinked rapidly, but it didn’t stop the tear from slipping silently down his cheek. Spike winced when he saw it and gently raised a hand to brush it away. “I want to be with you, Xander. And if you want those kids back, I can’t be. I’m not strong enough to stay away from you. So I have to go.”

Spike wanted to crush the boy to him and swear he’d never leave him, promise he’d never make him feel this way again. But he forced himself to let go of Xander’s arms and take a step back. A sob broke from Xander’s lips. “You said you couldn’t live without me.” He nearly whimpered.

“I said I didn’t want to live without you, Xander.” He corrected. “I never said I couldn’t.” With that final sentence, he watched something die in his love’s eyes. Felt something wither inside of his own chest. “I will live without you, as long as I know that you and those kids are safe and together.” He finished.

Calling himself seven kinds of bloody stupid, he none-the-less leaned forward and tasted Xander’s lips one last time. He felt the boy sob against him and parted his lips to take in the sorrow. Caressing that velvet tongue with his own, he nearly threw himself at Xander and begged to be forgiven.

Steeling himself, he pulled away and lifted his bag again. “I love you.” He whispered, and walked out the door.

____________________________________________________

Xander stared at the closed door, tears streaming down his cheeks, but no comprehension in his eyes. Willow tentatively moved forward and touched his arm. He looked at her, and the bewilderment in his eyes crushed her heart. “He left, Willow.” He said, childlike. “Why does everyone always leave me?” Willow flung herself into his arms and fiercely embraced him, trying to show him all the love she felt in her heart.

“They forced my sister to run away; they hit me, they hated me, they told me everyday that I was a worthless mistake; they took my kids away, now they’ve driven away the only person I’ve ever really loved.” He looked across the room and caught Tara’s eye.

“Am I a bad person?” He asked confusedly. “Is that why they hate me so much? Is that why they can’t let me be happy?” Tara shook her head soundlessly, drowning in the pain she saw in his eyes. Aren’t your parents supposed to love you? But, mine don’t. They never did. Why am I so unlovable my parents don’t even want me?”

Tara rushed to embrace him too, followed by Buffy and Dawn. Giles hesitantly placed his arms around his ‘children’ and prayed to the Powers That Be to show some mercy this time.

____________________________________________________

If Cordy had thought the mood was morbid before, she was sadly mistaken. Angel handed the car keys to Wesley and motioned for Cordy to sit in the front seat. She shot a glance at Spike and saw an emotionless, barren face just before he climbed in the backseat with Angel.

They had been driving for maybe 10 minutes when she heard the first choked whimper. She glanced at Wesley out of the corner of her eye and saw his slight headshake. She kept her eyes on the road in front of her, pretending she didn’t hear the heart-wrenching agony being cried out in the lap of the older vampire.