Title: Family Part 5

Email: tirel@pcnuthut.com

Author: Velvet Crypt

Disclaimer: Joss is God. I own nothing.

Spoilers: Umm…total non canon.

Summary: Xander admits something.

I was pretty sure that Lys was about to kill me. When the bond was formed, we began to experiment. We realized pretty quickly that whoever had donated the piece of the pentacle to the bond got the brunt of the ‘stuff’ that went along with it. I’m talking mainly about the emotions. Anytime a strong emotion leaked, it leaked the worst into Lys.

I suppose she wouldn’t have minded so very much if the emotions were pleasant. She enjoyed actually feeling how much we loved her and the others. She even developed a new liking for the scoobies once she felt how much I loved them. However, she got the brunt of what I felt for Spike also.

What I felt for Spike. How simple to say, how desperately complicated to feel. He was still angry that we could have died feeding him. The benefits didn’t seem to phase him. He was stuck on the ‘we could have died’ argument. And because I was the adult, like that had any damn thing to do with what Nate or Lys or Ellie decided they wanted to do, I was responsible for everything.

As pissy as he was, it was probably my fault the earth was round, too. So, I kept leaking all this unrequited love through to Lys, along with horrible guilt and overwhelming sadness that I’d lost any chance of being with him for good. It sounds so blasé. But, my God, it hurt. He filled my every thought. I stared at him like a dying man in the desert. He was the unattainable drink of cool water.

I remembered all the times we touched, even for a moment. When we’d slept together, when he’d touched my hand as he handed me the stake that night, how he’d hugged me when I offered him a co-guardianship. I could feel him burned into my skin like a brand. I craved more. It was like a tangible loss, his refusal to speak to me. I didn’t understand. It was like he hated me. I cried myself to sleep every night, knowing he was only a few feet away from me. But those few feet stretched like miles.

He ghosted around the house, doing daily chores, taking care of the kids. I went to work, came home, and spent time with the kids. We didn’t do family things anymore. He always had something to do, somewhere to go. The final straw for me came the night that we invited the scoobies over for dinner and movies. Spike cleaned the house that day while I was at work, and whipped up batches of munchies.

He had dinner started when I got home and soon after the scoobies began piling in the door. Dinner was amazing. Of course when I mentioned it to Spike, I just got an expressionless stare. Two second later, when Dawn echoed my sentiment, she got a smile and a blow by blow of one of the funnier things that had happened while cooking.

I took the hint and slunk off into the living room to start the movies. Buffy followed me and kept giving me worried looks. As soon as she opened her mouth, I placed a finger on her lips. “Please. Let it go.” I whispered. She frowned, but nodded.

Soon we were all piled onto the couches. Giles, Willow and Buffy on the couch, Dawn and Tara at their feet. I had the end of the couch, Lys was next to me. She held Ellie and Nate took the other end. When Spike walked into the room, Nate smiled and scooted to the floor. Surprisingly, Lys scooted down to take over her brother’s spot. That left the only opening next to me.

Spike looked at me for a long second, and then glanced at Lys. “Shove over, luv.” He said.

She shook her head. “I’m comfy, just sit in the middle.”

Spike stared at her. She met his gaze with her own and something passed between the two of them. Finally, Spike turned and headed to the hall closet. Pulling out his duster, he flung it around his shoulders. “Later, all.” And the door shut behind him. I could feel their eyes. Every set of them, trained on me. I couldn’t meet any of them. I could feel the sting of tears begin and knew all it would take was a comforting word or a commiserating glance.

So, I pushed play and stared at the screen, seeing only a pale face full of…nothing; no emotion, no sign that I mattered one way or the other to him. I couldn’t help it. I felt one tear burn its way down my face. Its exit signaled the tidal wave. So I sat; stoically staring at the movie I didn’t want to watch, feeling hot tears cut paths down my face, hoping everyone was watching the movie.

Lys reached over and snatched the remote. She angrily shut the TV off and threw the remote across the room. Settling Ellie on the sofa she turned to glare at me. “Well?” she demanded.

“Well what, Lys?” I replied closing my eyes. So much for hoping no one would notice.

“Well, when the hell are you two going to say something to each other?” She jumped up and began pacing. “You two are in my head constantly. Both of you keep trying to hide from me, so all I get are angsty feelings and despair. It’s beginning to piss me off.”

Xander looked up at her. “I really think this isn’t the time or place for this Lys.”

“No, I think it is, Uncle Xan.” Nate surprised him by butting in and standing up to be at his sister’s side. “Unlike Lys, I can’t feel either of you at all. It’s like you both live in some emotional soup, neither one of you really thinking at all.”

“Kids, we have company.” Xander said carefully. “Can we not do this now, please.”

“No! If we don’t do it now, you’ll find some reason to ignore us later. Now what is going on?”

Xander dropped his head back against the couch. “Nothing is going on Lys. Literally. Spike is still pissed that I let you feed him. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because I let you get hurt.”

“Bullshit.” Lys snapped. “I don’t feel anything like that. When he gets all angsty, I don’t feel anything towards us. I know he was pissed for a while. I felt that loud and clear. But he was actually pissed at us for taking advantage of the fact that you were out of it to do what we wanted. I got that little lecture. That has nothing to do with this.”

Xander laughed harshly. “Great. Then he hates me for something I can’t even figure out. Wonderful. That makes this so much easier.”

“Why won’t you just talk to him, Uncle Xan?” Nate asked quietly. Xander reached up to rub his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Nate, he doesn’t want me to talk to him. He wants me to leave him alone. He wants me to never speak to him again. He wants me to fall off the face of the earth.”

“What do you want?” Buffy asked. Xander’s head shot up and he wiped his tears away. Feeling like a bug on display, he drew his legs up under himself and crossed his arms.

“I just want my family back.” He replied. Buffy looked at him closely.

“No, I don’t think you do.”

Xander narrowed his eyes. “Really? And what do you thing I want, Buffy?”

“How long have you been in love with him, Xander?” She said quietly.

Xander flinched. “I’m not in-“

“Xander. How long?” She interrupted.

“I don’t know.” He whispered, closing his eyes again. “Forever? Since Anya left? Since he moved in? Since I was born? I don’t know. It feels like forever. It hurts like forever.”

He felt the couch sink and a hand take his.

“Xander, why won’t you tell him?” Willow rubbed her thumb across his hand.

He smiled, his eyes still closed. “Tell him what, Wills? Oh, hey, Spike. I know you’re a vamp, and I know you aren’t into guys, not to mention you’re only here cause of the kids, but I’m in love with you and I think if you don’t stop hating at me, my heart is going to break.”

“Yeah. That would work.” Xander’s eyes shot open. He felt the rush of adrenaline and a flutter of fear.

“That would work just fine.” Spike continued. Xander looked up. Spike stood in the doorway, duster still on. He had a strange expression on his face. One Xander couldn’t read, and he just stared at the brunette.

“Fuck.” Xander whispered, and jerked his hand out of Willow’s grasp. In one fluid move, he shot up off the couch and ran for the back door. Spike intercepted him. Damn vampire speed. Xander screeched to a halt before barreling into him.

“Where do you think you’re going, Pet?” Spike purred.

Xander started backing up. Spike followed. He followed Xander around the couch, stalking him like a large cat. Xander maneuvered so that he was mere feet from the doorway. Spike shook his head. Xander suddenly looked behind the blonde and his eyes widened in horror.

“Christ! Ellie!” He made as if to push past Spike to get to her. Spike spun around ready to vanquish anything that dared threaten his baby. He saw her sitting on the couch stuffing popcorn in her mouth. When he turned back, he saw the front door swinging closed.

With a grin he shook his head again. “Sneaky whelp.” And he followed.

______________________________

Xander ran like the hounds of hell were on his heels. He thanked every god he knew, and thanks to Giles, he knew a lot of them, that it was raining. Spike shouldn’t be able to track him as well in the rain. He had no idea where he was going, he just ran. Tears mixed with rain and eventually, he gave up trying to figure out where the hell he was, he couldn’t see anyway.

Finally, he stopped. Looking around, he laughed in disgust. How typical. He’d run to the cemetery. He leaned against a crypt and tried to catch his breath. “Fucking idiot, Xander.” He gasped. “Way to go, moron. Can you think of anything else you’d like to fuck the hell out of today?” He laughed and smacked his head on the cold stone. “Except for Spike?”

“I think that would be a pretty good start.” A smooth purr reached his ears.

Xander looked up. Spike stood in front of him, rain dripping off of his beautiful aquiline features. His blue eyes burned with something Xander couldn’t identify. “I’m sorry, Spike.” He whispered, hardly hearing himself. But he knew the vamp would hear. “I fucked everything up and I’m sorry. I promise I won’t ever say anything about it again. Just…the kids really need you. You aren’t going to leave are you?”

Spike hunched in front of the soaked brunette. “Why would I leave?”

“C-cause of what I said in there.”

“Do you think that bothers me?”

“I don’t know. Does it?”

Spike shrugged. “It bothers me that you told everyone else about it but didn’t tell me.”

Xander blushed. “I didn’t exactly mean to tell anyone at all.”

“Why? Are you ashamed?”

Xander looked affronted. “Ashamed? No! What the hell have I got to be ashamed of?”

“That I’m a man? That I’m a vamp? That I’m William the Bloody?”

Xander stared at him through the rain. He looked so vulnerable, hunched over in his leather duster, staring at his feet.

“I’m not ashamed of you, Spike. Any part of you. I just thought it would be easier if no one knew I…how I felt.”

“Why?”

“So I didn’t make you uncomfortable living with someone who lo-wants you.”

“Why do you think you love me, Xander?” He asked quietly. Xander laughed bitterly.

“What isn’t there to love?” He waved off Spike’s attempt to speak. “Fuck the past, Spike. Yeah, you were a real bastard. But, now…you love the kids, you put up with my friends, even like them sometimes, I think. You take care of us. You help the scoobies. You’re funny, smart, brave. You’re fucking beautiful. You’re so sexy I think I may have to buy bigger pants.” He smiled.

“I can’t help it. I can’t think of anything at all that would make me not love you, not want you. And it’s killing me. So, please. Just let it go. Pretend I said nothing; pretend that you mean nothing to me. I’ll try to curb myself, and we can move on, and hope that I haven’t fucked up our friendship beyond repair.”

Spike went breathless. No one had ever…ever…loved him like that. The thought of it caused a lump in his throat. His voice was hoarse with unspoken pain when he answered. “No. I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to pretend you said nothing. And I truly don’t fucking want to pretend that I mean nothing to you.”

Xander eyed him warily. “Why not?”

“I have spent the last hundred plus years pretending someone did love me. Angelus, Dru…I wanted to be loved so fucking badly I could taste it.” He dropped onto his ass on the ground. “All I wanted was to have someone want me, need me, love me…for me. Not because they had a fucking Sire’s code, not because they were afraid there would be no one else to take care of them if I left.”

Xander knelt, unconsciously moving closer when he felt Spike’s pain. “I’m tired of lying to myself, Xander. I’m tired of pretending I’m something anyone would want to love. Now you tell me that you love me, and it’s ripping my heart out that you want me to pretend that I mean nothing to you.”

“No,” Xander breathed, reaching out to Spike. “No, please…that’s not what I meant. God, Spike, you mean the world to me. I just thought it would make you uncomfortable, knowing how I feel.” He crawled through the muck on hands and knees to his love. Kneeling between Spike’s legs, he lowered his head and buried it in the crook of Spike’s neck.

“I just thought you’d be angry with me, thinking I was trying to force you into something, that’s all.” He breathed into the blonde’s ear, nuzzling his temple. “Spike, you are everything…everything to me. I’m not required to love you. I don’t need you to do anything but be with me ‘cause you want to be. I want you, Spike, because you are the most sexy, gorgeous, desirable man I’ve ever met. I need you, Spike, to be with me, to share my life with me. I love you, Spike. I love you because I can’t imagine not loving you.”

He wrapped his arms around the vampire when he felt him begin to shake. “I won’t ask anything from you. I only want what you want to give to me. And if that’s just your companionship, I’ll treasure it every second of every day. I’ll live with you, no strings attached. I’ll never tell you I love you again if that’s what you want. But if it’s okay with you, I’d rather tell you every day how much I love you; tell you how happy you make me. Even if all I get out of it is a smile.”

Spike pulled away from him, looked him in the eyes. Oh, god the pain in those beautiful blue eyes. Xander felt tears stinging his eyes again.

“And you would never ask that I love you back?” Spike ventured. What the fuck am I saying? I love the boy…he’s my existence. Why do I need to do this? Is it some way to keep distance between us so I won’t lose so much when he’s gone? Why? I’m already pretty sure that I’ll take a walk into the sun if he ever dies. Still, he couldn’t help it

Xander smiled at him, love in every nuance of his being. “Never, Spike.” The dark brown pools drew him in, offered safety, comfort…love. Unconditionally. Fuck it all.

“Okay.” He breathed. “I guess a smile once in a while won’t hurt.” He tried one now, and as weak as he knew it was, Xander’s face lit with happiness at the sight of it. Daft git, he thought fondly.

______________________________

When they walked back into the apartment they were stared at. Xander smiled and shook his head. “What?”

“So what’s up with you two?” Buffy sighed.

Xander grinned at her. “I am in love with Spike.” He turned to the vampire and practically glowed when he was rewarded with a small smile. “And I have his permission to tell him so as often as I like.”

Willow looked expectantly at Spike. When he refused to meet her gaze, she narrowed her eyes. “And what exactly does Spike feel about all of this?”

Xander held up a hand. “Wills, I’m okay with him not loving me. He’s here. He’s with me, with the kids. He won’t leave us. He’ll let me love him without getting all wiggy about it. I’m all right with it. Really.” He smiled again.

Spike sighed at the looks everyone was giving him. Especially Lys. “What? Like it matters to any of you what I think? It never did before.”

“Well, Spike, that was before you captured the heart of our Xander.” Giles pulled his glasses off to give them a quick swipe.

“I’m not going to explain myself to any of you.” He glared. “I didn’t explain it to Xander, and I’m sure as hell not playing show and tell with my thoughts. We are okay with the arrangement. You should be too. Deal with it.”

He flopped down on the couch after removing his duster and reached for the remote. Xander grinned and settled next to him. Spike pushed play and everyone slowly filtered back to their seats. No one was happy about the ‘arrangement’ but they were willing to go along with it as long as Xander looked happy.

By the end of the movie, however, every one of them was back to being concerned. Spike wound up against Xander’s shoulder, Xander’s arm across the back of the couch. Xander absently played with a golden curl and Spike relaxed enough to lay his hand on Xander’s thigh. They looked exactly like a couple in love with each other. Not one in love and one all right with it. What the hell was going on?