Chapter 21

Spike was ready to vibrate right out of his skin with tension. It had been an hour since he’d touched Xander and the craving – the need – to do so was making him twitch. To add insult to injury, it seemed that everyone *else* in the hotel was touching his lover. Spike knew he was being irrational and possessive and territorial, but seeing other hands on Xander when his were not allowed was causing him to come unglued.

Angel had kicked Spike sharply under the table at one point, and the sudden jolt of pain made the younger vampire realize that he was growling sub-sonically at Brooks because the black-haired man’s hand was resting on his boy’s shoulder as he and Xander chatted. Intellectually, Spike knew that Xander’s friends were responding to him with affection, and that Xander relished the contact; emotionally, however, he was finding it difficult not to growl. Or switch into game face and kill them all. Whichever. Eventually, Angel resorted to a dirty trick, sending Sara to ask her “Uncle Will” for a bedtime story and tucking-in services. Spike had allowed himself to be led away by the toddler, but not before flashing his grand-sire a killing look.

Three stories, two drinks of water and about a hundred questions later, Spike had returned to the lobby to find that most of the visitors had left. A lively group comprised of Buffy, Angel, Dawn, Cordelia and Brooks was gathered in front of the fireplace. Spike walked over to tell Dawn that Sara was asleep and that Jase was with her. He found himself drawn into their conversation, going over specific moves they’d used in the sparring session and exchanging friendly insults.

Looking around, Spike spotted Xander, Alan and Naomi sitting in a far corner of the lobby, deep in conversation. He desperately wanted to join them, but knew that if he did he would not be able to keep his hands off of Xander, so he stayed put. Looking more closely, he saw that Xander was twisting the two platinum bands on his ring finger in a gesture he’d not seen the human make in days. Spike knew that they were talking about Shari. He viciously smashed down the urge to run to his lover’s side and settled for simply walking across the room, making sure that the others saw him coming.

He stopped at the back of the sofa and placed his hands lightly on Xander’s shoulders, leaning in to put his head between his dark head and Naomi’s. He deepened his voice for effect and intoned, “I feel a tremor in the Force.” In his normal voice he continued, “Come on, Xan – Angel’s over there laughing it up and you’re over here brooding. That’s just unnatural.” He was gratified when Xander laughed and stopped twisting the rings.

Alan and Naomi stood and pulled Xander to his feet and helped Spike herd him over to the rest of the group. Over the next hour, they laughed and talked, but Spike could tell that Xander was not fully engaged. Finally, the party wound down. Xander, Willow and Cordelia walked the visitors out, along with Oz, who was going back to his apartment because of an early session the next day. Buffy, Angel and Dawn all retreated upstairs, but Spike stayed in the lobby. After a few moments, Cordelia and Willow returned to the lobby, their heads bent together, whispering, and then bursting into laughter.

“What?” Spike demanded as they approached him. Cordelia laid her hand on his arm and tried to catch her breath. “I was telling Willow that Brooks pulled me aside and told me to be careful, because he was pretty sure that my boss is a vampire!” She and Willow whooped with laughter at the flummoxed expression on Spike’s face. He gathered his wits and asked slowly, “What did you say to that?” Cordelia wiped her streaming eyes and struck a hands-on-the-hips pose.

“I told him that not only is Angel a vampire, you are, too; and that I’m part demon, Willow’s a witch, Oz is a werewolf, Buffy’s the Slayer and we’re not really sure what Dawn is anymore.” Spike’s lips moved, but no sound came out. On his second try he managed to croak, “How’d he take it?” Cordelia cocked her head to one side. “He seemed OK with it – mostly wanted to make sure that Xander is still human. I told him Xan, Jase and Sara are our token normals.” Off his quizzical look, Cordelia gave Spike a tight smile. “I figured, what the hell – love me, love my family; fangs and all.” Spike looked at her admiringly, “You’re a class act, Cordy.” At that, she gave him a real smile, one that slowly faded. She squeezed Spike’s arm. “You better go out and get Xander – I feel broody vibes from the parking lot.” Both girls kissed Spike on the cheek and departed. As she left, Willow whispered, “he needs you” in the vampire’s ear on a warm breath.

Spike stepped out of the front door of the hotel into the covered turnaround area and looked around. Xander was sitting on a decorative half-wall, staring up into the moonlight. Spike was instantly reminded of the heartbreakingly beautiful figure that Xander had cut, standing in the moonlight in tears on the night that he’d first told them about Shari. Tonight there were no tears on the tanned face, and the two men were lovers; not recently reunited acquaintances. Xander turned his head and noticed the vampire, gesturing him closer.

Spike closed the distance; Xander parted his knees and drew the blond between them. His seat on the wall put their heads at the same height, faces inches apart. Spike raised a hand and carded his fingers through tangled sable waves. Blue and brown eye met and neither man moved for a long time.

When Xander started to stir on the hard bricks, Spike cupped the back of his neck and leaned forward to brush their lips together lightly. Stepping back, the vampire pulled his lover into a standing position and began leading him back to the hotel. They didn’t speak as they crossed the lobby or in the elevator, content to merely stand close and lean on one another. Once on the fifth floor, Spike gestured for Xander to wait while he moved down the hall and opened an unmarked door, pulling out several sets of bed liens and a stack of towels, then led Xander back to their suite.

Xander opened the door, and Spike pushed him toward the bath, admonishing him to get the shower started. Xander complied. As soon as the human was gone, Spike stripped and remade both beds, then gathered up the clean towels and joined his lover. Spike peeled off his clothes and walked into the enormous marble shower. Xander was standing with his back to the door, arms braced on the wall, forehead pillowed on his arms. One leg was slightly bent and his body was wreathed in steam as the water cascaded over his tanned back. Though he made a lovely picture, standing unaware, Spike knew that the pose was one of dejection, not calculated to arouse. Still silent, Spike pressed his brow to the center of Xander’s upper back and let his hands rest lightly on the hips before him. No other parts of their bodies touched, and they again stood motionless for long minutes.

Finally, Spike raised his head and grabbed the shower gel, carefully washing Xander’s skin and then his own. The vampire turned his lover to face him and shampooed and rinsed his silky hair. Spike moved the unresisting boy to sit on the shower’s bench while he attended to his own hair. Once finished, he pulled Xander back under the spray, where the taller man automatically assumed his previous stance. Spike left the shower, dried off and got dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Back in the bathroom, he called to Xander, “Come on out, luv.” He waited, and the water was turned off.

Xander stepped out of the shower and Spike wrapped him in one of the large, fluffy bath towels and dried him carefully. Xander dressed in the sweatpants and t-shirt Spike had brought in for him and smiled absently as he allowed himself to be led to the parlor. The blond vampire sat on the sofa and maneuvered his lover to sit on the floor at his feet so he could towel-dry the dripping dark hair. When Xander’s shaggy sable waves were barely damp, Spike finger-combed them into order and tossed the towel away, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“Do you want to talk about it, pet?” he asked softly. Xander took and released a shuddering breath and then another. “It hurts,” he said, his pain-filled voice cracking. “It hurts to see all of those people and not see Shari. I – I kept looking for her, expecting her to be there.” The human gave a mirthless laugh. “Hell, when you were fighting with Alan, I actually turned to see if she’d seen some great move you made. Then I remembered.” Xander took several more deep breaths. When he spoke again, his voice was thick with unshed tears. “When does it stop hurting so much?” he asked miserably.

Spike gently rubbed the back of Xander’s neck in soothing circles. “Hell, Xan, I don’t know.” He gave a short, bitter laugh. “I’m still hurting for people dead a hundred years.” He paused. “You don’t ever forget, luv, not if they were important to you. But, after a while, the pain gets … tempered with all of the good memories, so it’s more bittersweet.” The vampire leaned forward and wrapped his arm around Xander’s neck, resting his chin on the warm shoulder. “You’re not wrong to grieve.”

Xander scrubbed his face with his hands, and Spike sat back on the sofa, recognizing that the boy still needed to talk. “I feel, I feel so ungrateful,” he gritted out. “I came back to Sunnydale, out of the blue. You took me in and made me welcome, and made me feel … normal – or almost normal - again. You and Dawn and Buffy and Willow – you all forgave me instantly for being a shitty friend for eight years. I get to spend a great evening doing something I love with people who love me, and I turn it into one big pity party.” He hung his head. “I’m an ass.”

“No, luv – you’re just being you. It’s your nature to try to carry the weight of the world – you always were a glutton for punishment.” Spike leaned forward and rubbed his cheek against Xander’s silky hair. “So, what’ll it be?” he asked brightly. “Evening of brooding? We can probably find a chick flick on the telly, bawl into our popcorn.” Xander dipped his head to place a kiss on top of the cool hand that rested on his shoulder while he pondered. After a long moment he stood and held out a hand to Spike. “I think I have a better idea.” Spike took the hand and was pulled gently into his lover’s arms. Warm lips traced the outside edge of a cool ear, and Xander whispered, “Take me to bed, Will. Love me.” Spike answered him with a soft kiss and then led him to the bedroom.

An hour later, Xander was sleeping peacefully. Spike was not. He slipped from the bed and pulled on his discarded clothes. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, scooped up a room key and let himself out of the suite.

Willow answered his knock wearing soft-looking pink pajamas, with a pair of wire-framed glasses perched on her nose. Her hair was held back with a headband, and her face, devoid of makeup, glowed. Spike thought she looked about twelve years old and told her so. “Flattery will get you everywhere,” she told him as she ushered him inside. She crossed the room to the desk and busied herself shutting down her laptop computer. Once the computer was taken care of, she crossed back to the vampire, who was standing by the door staring at the carpet, and took his hand to lead him into the bedroom. She pointed to the bed, and they shared a smile as he kicked off his unlaced boots and they both climbed under the covers, arranging the pillows so they were both on their sides, facing each other. Spike slipped a cold foot between her warm ones. They both sighed, relaxing easily into these positions that they had taken so many times in years past, when everyone else had been to busy with the latest apocalypse and they’d been too damaged to do much else but comfort one another.

“I was wondering when you’d wind up back in my bed, you vampire slut,” Willow teased. “I thought you might have forgotten me.” Spike smiled, “Wasn’t willing to risk the wolf bite, Red.” She smiled back. Her green eyes searched his face and saw the strain there. “Xander was sad tonight,” she did not phrase it as a question. “Yeah,” Spike sighed. “He got hit with some pretty powerful memories, what with the Dirty Dozen here and all.” They shared a sad smile. “I liked his friends,” Willow confided. “It makes it easier, knowing that he had them while he was away. Except that it also makes me jealous, which isn’t very nice at all, and what do you know – I’m babbling.” Spike grinned. “It’s OK. I like it when you babble. It’s cute.” She gave him a mock-frown. “More flattery. You must want something big.”

Spike turned over on his back. Willow recognized this gesture from the past. Both of them had used this particular dodge when they needed to ask or say something horrible or embarrassing and didn’t trust themselves to be able to maintain eye contact. The vampire studied the ceiling and then mumbled a question that Willow didn’t catch. “Spike, human ears here. Say again?” she demanded. He sighed, and then spoke clearly. “Why won’t Xander fuck me?” Willow’s mouth fell open, and she was thankful that he wasn’t looking at her as a blush raced from her chest to her hairline. “Wha …um, I mean …Spike, I was pretty sure that, uh you two, er …that your relationship had a, um, physical component …” She trailed off, and then also turned on her back to study the ceiling.

“We’ve *had* sex, Red. What I mean is that I’m always top and he’s always bottom, and when I suggested we switch, he looked bleedin’ horrified.” Spike draped an arm over his eyes. Willow asked softly, “What did you do then?” The vampire sighed, yet again. “What do you *think* I did? I pretended I never said it, then I distracted him by trying to suck his brains out through his dick, and then I fucked him.” They both paused, and Spike flashed back on the wholly erotic mental picture of Xander’s face when Spike’s cock had eased into his body as they had coupled face-to-face for the first time. Spike knew he was lying when he said that he had fucked Xander. He had made love to the man, and he had seen those brown eyes go wide with some unnamed emotion as their chests and stomachs had sealed together, close, closer, then joined inextricably together. Finally, Willow spoke. “Wow,” she breathed. “That was a short, yet very vivid description.” After a long moment, Spike replied, “I guess it was, wasn’t it?”

They lay quietly on the bed, each lost in thought. After a few minutes, Willow shifted to face the center of the bed and tugged Spike over to face her. “I know the answer,” she said, matter-of-factly. “It’s not you, Spike. It has nothing to do with you.” The vampire looked at her disbelievingly. “I’m a narcissist, pet – it’s *always* about me,” he deadpanned. She gave him a small smile and tangled their feet once again as she spoke.

“Do you remember what happened when Kennedy and I first got together?” He shrugged, not sure if he did or not. He hadn’t really liked the dark-haired girl – he’d thought she was kind of a bitch, and she hadn’t liked him either. Willow continued, “Well, after she and I kissed for the first time, my mind went all overdrivey and I almost turned into Warren.” She shuddered delicately at the memory, and Spike realized he did know the story. “That was a spell,” he said. Willow shook her head. “The spell made the punishment manifest, but it was my mind that came up with it. Brains are funny that way, with the torturing and craziness. I wanted to turn into Warren because I felt like I had betrayed Tara by kissing Kennedy.”

She ran the back of her hand lightly down the vampire’s smooth, cool cheek. “He wasn’t horrified at the idea of …making love to you; he was horrified at the idea of making love to anybody other than Shari. Not to put too fine a point on it, she was the last person he was *inside*, and it’s one of the last things of her that he’s got left. When that’s gone he’s just one step closer to having to accept that the part of his life that had her in it is over.” She smiled sadly and saw her gathering tears mirrored in his beautiful blue eyes. “He doesn’t have much of her left to cling to – just his revenge against Dru and wearing mourning,” she concluded. Spike smiled at her wryly, blinking back the tears. “Noticed that, did you?” She stroked his face again and spoke softly. “I’ve *done* this, remember? It does get better. You just have to give him time and support and love, and try to be ready for the days when he stumbles.”

Spike leaned into her warm hand and pressed a soft kiss to her palm. His voice was muffled. “I just don’t want to screw this up.” Willow gathered her friend into her arms and marveled at the changes the years had wrought in this beautiful, flawed creature. She sometimes thought that the vampire was the most human of all of them. She crooned soothingly and rubbed his back as he relaxed into her embrace. “It’ll be fine, Spike. You’ll do great. I have faith in you – in both of you. You and Xander will take care of each other.”

Spike slipped back into Xander’s bed, and the human instinctively curled toward him and pulled the cool body close. Warm lips settled against the back of his neck and arms enfolded him. Spike luxuriated against the solid body sealed against his back and smiled. Give him time, he thought. Oh, well, one of the upsides of immortality – lots of time. Xander’s fingers circled lazily on the inside of the vampire’s elbow, and Spike slept.