Chapter 28

Xander was alone, sitting on the back steps of the Summers’ house, waiting. Over Spike’s objections, it had been decided that he would split off from the group, hoping to draw Drusilla out. Buffy, Angel and Spike were lurking about, but trying to stay far enough from the house so as not to be sensed by Dru. Xander lifted his hand to touch the small gold cross that hung from a thin leather thong there. Dawn had fastened it around his neck and pressed a stake into his hand as he left the house. Taking no chances, he’d also stopped by the van to retrieve his chain whip from his weapons bag, and it was coiled in his pocket, the handle hanging out for easy retrieval.

By the time Spike had finished reading Book 1 of Paradise Lost, Dawn, Jase, Sara and two of the potentials had joined the group in the den, listening to the vampire’s soothing voice. The setting of the sun and the subsequent arrival of more potentials had broken everyone out of the calm quiet suffusing the room. Back in the dining room, Dawn gave everyone their assignments, sending the Slayer, the vampires and Xander outside, keeping the girls safely inside with Willow ready to cast any needed protection spells.

Xander breathed deeply and tried to stay relaxed. He rose to his feet and leaned against the porch rail with feigned nonchalance. He heard a rustling noise from the yard’s periphery and pointedly did not turn toward it. His hand went to his pocket. A vampire burst from the trees and ran at him. Xander pivoted, drawing the chain whip from his pocket. He swung it in a complete circle over his head, and then struck out at the approaching vampire. As the end of the jointed metal strand wrapped itself around the vampire’s neck, Xander closed the distance between them and caught the end of the chain whip in his free hand. With a snapping motion, he pulled his hands apart as hard as he could. The metal whip closed and decapitated the unfortunate vampire, which dusted immediately.

Xander coiled the whip and placed it back in his pocket before he turned toward the sound of soft clapping. His breath left his body as he turned and saw Drusilla standing at the edge of the tree line. She walked forward slowly, still clapping her hands. Her long black hair curled over her shoulders and spilled down the front of her plain, black top. She was wearing a pair of plain black pants and what appeared to be boots. Xander had a sudden thought that he’d never seen her in anything but romantic dresses, and that she looked infinitely more dangerous in the modern attire.

“Oh, kitten,” she crooned. “You’ve got teeth now!” Her voice was light, and she laughed merrily. “My little plaything never had a chance.” Xander took a deep breath and gave her a sardonic smile that came nowhere near touching his eyes. “Good grief, Dru,“ he said, “that one still had the grave dirt on his jacket. Did you make him especially for me? Ten minutes ago?” She moved in closer, and he turned his body to keep her directly in front of him. Her black eyes were snapping, and he thought that she looked very beautiful.

“Now, now, kitten, don’t get all growly with me. I just wanted you to have something to play with. I can be a sweet mummy when I choose. I got you a toy and you broke it, and you didn’t even say thank you.” Xander snorted, “Oh, sorry – I didn’t mean to be rude. Thank you, crazy person, for the evil undead toy – it was great while it lasted.” She tilted her head and stepped closer. Suddenly, her expression hardened, and her eyes became cold and glittering. She sniffed the air and advanced another step. “My Spike is here,” she said, “and my Daddy, too. And that screechy Slayer girl. They’re nearby, wanting to protect you, little one.” She paused and began circling Xander slowly. He circled with her. She sniffed again, and then suddenly vamped out. Sniffing once again, she stopped moving and looked directly into Xander’s eyes. “I see Spike has been doing more than wanting. His smell is all over you, kitten. Spike’s been a naughty, naughty boy. He will have to pay for touching you.”

Xander snorted again. “Let’s leave my sex life out of this, OK?” He took a deep breath and asked the question that had been burning in his brain for six months. “Why did you kill my wife, Dru?” At his words, she smiled brilliantly, and Xander thought that it was the most horrifying sight he’d ever seen. Her tongue flicked out to sweep over sharp teeth and fangs. “Oh, your little china doll,” she sighed in remembered pleasure. “She was a tasty one, so hot and sweet; and the tiny one within.” The vampire moaned and licked her lips again, and Xander saw white. He swung the chain whip again. Drusilla put her hand up before her face and caught it, not noticing as it cut into her palm. She snatched the weapon from his hand and dropped it on the ground. Xander stalked closer to the vampire, his words reverberating with his steps. “Why. Did. You. Kill. Her. You. Bitch,” he demanded, stopping barely two feet from her.

She looked down at the ground in an almost shy gesture, and then her head snapped back up, their eyes meeting. She dropped all pretenses of shyness and craziness, and Xander knew he was looking into the eyes of a pure demon. Her words were as measured as his had been. “Because. I. Wanted. To.”

Xander lunged at her with his stake, and pinned her to the ground, its point at her heart. His eyes filled with tears, but they did not fall. “One last question,“ he ground out through clenched teeth, “and I do mean *last*. How did you get into my house?” She giggled merrily, and he pressed the stake further into her chest until she stopped. They stared at one another for a long moment, and then a smile curved her lips. “Oh, kitten,” she sighed, “what makes you think that was the *first* time I had been there? Your little china doll, she was so sweet. So eager to help the nice lady whose car had broken down. She even invited me in and gave me a glass of water. That was over a year ago.” Her sparkling eyes looked up into his shocked ones. “Really, kitten,” she chided, ”you should have warned her about inviting strangers into your home.” She bucked under him and launched his body across the yard.

She picked up the chain whip from the ground, walked over to him and dropped it lightly onto his chest. He lay on the ground, stunned. “It’s not yet time for you to join me,” she said. “But, be a dear and give Spike a message. Tell him I can’t *wait* for him to meet his little brother.” She turned and disappeared into the trees. Xander sat up on the dewed grass and allowed his tears to fall. When Spike’s arms wrapped around him, he leaned into his lover and sobbed. Xander hardly noticed when Angel and Spike hauled him to his feet and led him into the house.

They manhandled him up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms. Angel helped Spike remove the unresisting human’s shoes and shirt and put him into bed. Spike toed off his boots and climbed into bed with his lover, enfolding the shaking body in his arms. He gave Angel a grim smile as the dark vampire left the room, turning off the overhead light and closing the door softly. Spike leaned against the headboard with Xander curled into his chest; the two men sat silently in a circle of lamplight.

Spike rubbed soothing circles on Xander’s back, lightly tracing his fingers over smooth, warm skin. He had been close enough to hear every word Drusilla had spoken. Aside from that, he had also been close enough to observe her demeanor, and that scared him most of all. She was even more lucid than she had been at their last meeting. She was strong, controlled and as sane as he’d ever seen her and he didn’t know which trait bothered him the most. Spike was positive that he didn’t like her comment about his “little brother”, knowing that it meant Dru had taken another childe. A childe of Dru’s that had actually been raised by her would likely be vicious, unstable and at least partially insane.

Spike sighed and looked down at the stricken human in his arms. Xander clung to him weakly, his eyes open but unseeing. His tears had stopped, but he was unresponsive. Spike understood. He knew that Drusilla’s chiding comment that Xander should have warned his wife about inviting people in was reverberating in his lover’s head. He could almost hear Xander’s anguish, knowing that he was berating himself for not telling Shari about his past and the terrible things that he knew to be true.

Spike gathered Xander’s body more tightly against his own and rested the dark head on his shoulder. “Xan, sweetheart,” he whispered, “come back to me now. You can’t stay locked up in that head of yours all night. I need you out here with me.” Warm arms tightened around him, but there was no other response. Spike bent his head to Xander’s ear and continued speaking softly. “Come on, luv, as much as I’d love to, we can’t stay like this all night. Come on back now. Please. Can you do that for me?” Xander sighed and tightened his arms even more, and rubbed his face against his lover’s shoulder. He drew and released a couple of shaky breaths, then swallowed audibly. Sighing again he said in a small voice, “I’m here.” Spike hugged him. “Good. Glad you’re back.”

They sat quietly for a few more moments. Xander shifted, and Spike released him enough for the mortal to turn so he was lying on his back between Spike’s legs, with his own legs straightened out in front of him and his back resting against the vampire’s hard chest. Spike hooked his chin over Xander’s shoulder and kept his arms wrapped around him in a loose embrace. “She was right,” Xander said, his voice toneless. “I should have told Shari. I should have warned her.” Spike stroked a hand lightly up and down Xander’s arm. “God, Xan,” he said quietly, “what were you supposed to do? ‘Oh, honey, by the way – vampires are real, so don’t ever invite one in, OK? I’ll be in the basement if you need me.’”

Xander thought for a moment. “How about, ‘I’m going to be home a little late tonight, so I just wanted to tell you that most of the really creepy stuff in fairytales is true, and the mouth of Hell is located in California and do I need to pick anything up on my way home?’” He laughed shortly. “I didn’t want to tell her that stuff. It should never have touched her.” Spike was happy that his voice was getting stronger, but he could hear the deep sadness and regret in it. He rubbed his face against Xander’s silky hair and hugged him tighter. “Xan, you know she was just pushing your buttons, taunting you. It’s part of the game.” Spike’s voice was tight.

Xander sat up suddenly, throwing off Spike’s arms. He turned to face the vampire, his eyes alive with anger. “This is not *a game*,” he gritted out. Spike closed his hands on Xander’s shaking shoulders and ran them up and down his arms soothingly. “I know, sweetheart. It’s not a game to you – but it is a game to her. Fucking Angelus taught it to her. It’s how he made her. He taught her that it’s not enough to take the one you want; you have to destroy them first.” Spike sighed softly. “Angelus would spend months stalking his prey. He’d follow them; learn all about their life, then destroy every single thing that was important to his victim. Why do you think she’s so crazy?” Spike kept up the soothing contact until Xander relaxed back onto the bed and leaned against his chest again.

“She wasn’t crazy when he started with her,” Spike mused. “She did have second sight, but she wasn’t actually insane. The combination of seeing the future and knowing what was going to happen and then having it actually happen is what broke her mind. Then he turned her and threw the demon into the mix.” Xander clapped his hands together. “Blam! Super psycho – just add blood.” His voice was still strained. Spike nodded against Xander’s temple. “Pretty much. I don’t know what’s changed, though. She’s as lucid as I’ve ever seen her. She was fucking scary out there. Those fledges she brought along were just cannon fodder; the two I killed were fresh out of the grave.” Xander nodded. “She didn’t come here to do any real damage – tonight was just part of the hunt. Shit, Spike!” he exclaimed suddenly. “God damn it – I had her – I had the stake in her chest. I could have ended this, and I let her distract me. Fuck!” He buried his face in his hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Spike rubbed the back of his head. “It’s OK, Xan – she was unlikely to let you get her. She could have thrown you off at any time. She just let you pin her so she could mess with your mind. She wants you to stew for a while. She wants you to be afraid.” Xander turned to face Spike, brown eyes searching blue ones. “I *am* afraid, Spike. I’m afraid that I’ll screw up and not avenge Shari and Lex’s deaths; that I’ll let them down. I’m afraid that she’s going to get someone else I care about – Buffy or Willow or Dawn or you.” Spike held his gaze, and reached out to grasp Xander’s hand. “I know you’re afraid,” he said in a low voice. “We’re all afraid. Hell, I’m afraid. Big Bad Chicken, that’s me.” He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. His eye’s never left Xander’s.

“Everyone leaves me, Xander. Angelus left me and Dru left me and Buffy left me. Someday you’ll leave me, whether it’s because of you or me or outside forces or if it’s because you’re mortal and you’ll die someday – doesn’t matter.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’m afraid of that; terrified, actually. I’m afraid of being left again, of not being loved enough again. But, damn it, Xan; I’m *more* afraid of not taking the chance than I am of the pain. I’ve been hiding for the last nine years because I didn’t have the balls to take a chance. Then - out of nowhere - you come to me; and you’re so different, but you’re still the same. And I couldn’t stop wanting to be close to you, wanting *you*. In nine years, I was never even tempted to try. Then you walk up to my front door and I was lost.” Xander smiled softly and laid his hand against Spike’s cheek as the vampire continued speaking.

“I once told Buffy and Angel that I was love’s bitch.” Spike turned his head and kissed Xander’s palm, then brought his eyes back to the human’s. “Well, I still am. I know this is terrible timing, and probably the last thing you want to hear, but I’ve got to say it. I’m falling in love with you, Xander. I know you aren’t ready to even think along those lines, but I can’t hide anymore – it hurts too fucking much. But, I can wait for you. I’m good at waiting.”

It was Xander’s turn to reach out and pull Spike to his chest and hold him tightly. He was stunned at what the vampire had told him. He had already acknowledged to himself that he was starting to care for Spike, but had pushed any deep analysis of his feelings away, to be considered after the business of avenging his wife and son. He concentrated on the feel and scent of the man in his arms, breathing him in with each breath. He turned his mind to Shari, and realized that the hurt was not as bad as it had been. He could visualize her beautiful, delicate face without feeling a sharp stab in his heart. He smiled sadly. He bent his head and kissed Spike’s temple. “Am I?” he whispered into soft blond waves. “Are you what?” Spike said softly. Xander smiled. “Earlier, you called me sweetheart. Am I your sweetheart?” Spike snuggled his head deeper into Xander’s chest. “Yes, Xan, you are. If you can call me ‘baby’, then I can call you ‘sweetheart’. Sometimes. When we’re alone. Then I can go buy myself a dress and have my name legally changed to Nancy. The things I do for you.” Xander could feel the grin on Spike’s face.

They pulled apart and looked into each other’s eyes. When Xander looked into Spike’s eyes he saw concern, and a little bit of laughter, and what he now recognized as love. Spike loves me, he thought. And why is this not freaking me out? Their lips came together in a light kiss, their arms wrapping around to hold one another tightly. Xander trailed soft kisses across Spike’s face and up to his temple, and then he rubbed his cheek against it. “I guess we should go down and figure out our next move, huh?” he asked reluctantly. Spike’s reply was equally reluctant. “I guess so. Let’s get this done so we can go home to bed.”