Chapter Six

Spike closed the front door behind Jase, Dawn and Sara. Just as Xander had dropped his bombshell, Sara had awakened. Spike had gestured for Dawn and Jase to go get her, and the vampire had turned back to Xander just in time to see the dark man slip out the back door. With a sigh, he’d joined the others in getting Sara ready to go home and to bed. They had not spoken about the night’s revelations, but as Dawn hugged Spike on her way out the door she had whispered fiercely in his ear, “Take care of him.” Spike listened, and was able to hear Xander’s heartbeat. It was slow and steady. He followed the sound to the back porch.

Xander stood at the bottom of the stairs. He was still barefoot, wearing the black jeans and black silk tee he’d changed into after their sparring earlier in the day. The wind had picked up, and Xander was facing into it, his long hair blowing back from his face. Spike looked at his profile, silhouetted in the moonlight, the tracks of drying tears shining on his cheeks. Xander turned toward the other man and a small smile twisted his lips. He gestured for Spike to join him and seated himself on the bottom step. Spike settled next to him. Xander felt a soft touch on the back of his hand. He looked at Spike and felt his cool hand press the two platinum bands into his palm. As he realized what they were, he clutched Spike’s hand in his briefly, and then pulled away to resettle the rings into their familiar groove.

The two men sat in silence, listening to the wind blow. After a few moments, Xander turned on the stair, pulling one knee up and wrapping his arms around it so he could face Spike. He looked at the vampire until the blue eyes met his and then began to speak.

“Spike, I need you to shut up for a few minutes and let me say some things.” He paused to grin as Spike’s eyebrows raised and his mouth opened and then shut with a nod. Xander drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Spike, I owe you a lot right now.” He shot the other man a quelling look as his mouth opened again. “I owe you a world of thanks, for accepting me, for putting me up, and putting up with me; I owe you major gratitude for the comfort you’ve offered me since I showed up. I didn’t know how much I needed it, really. And don’t think it’s done – I’m still a wreck, so I’m probably gonna fall apart on you again shortly.”

Xander took another deep breath. In coming back to Sunnydale, he had known that he owed apologies to all of his friends. He had practiced what he would say to Dawn and Buffy and Willow, but had been unable to plan what to say to Spike, not knowing what to expect from the vampire. He plunged ahead with his explanation. “The main thing I owe you is an apology, and it’s been a long time coming. When I left Sunnydale, and for all the time we knew each other, I was a complete asshole. I treated you like crap, and I’m both stunned and humbled that you are able to even talk to me now, much less treat me like a friend.” As he spoke these words, Xander realized exactly how true they were. The easy, simple friendship that Spike had shown him in the previous 24 hours had made him feel safe and calm for the first time in six months. He drew in another breath and kept talking. “ I, I …hate like hell to admit it, but I resented you because I always felt like you were in my way. For some stupid reason I thought that if you hadn’t been around I could have maybe had a shot with Buffy. And I hated like hell that you slept with Anya.” Xander paused and raised a hand as Spike’s mouth opened yet again.

“Not yet. I’m not done; you get to talk in a minute.” Xander softened his words with a small smile. “I know now that I never had a chance with Buffy; and I know that you and her together was not about love or anything good. And I even understand the whole bathroom scene.” Xander saw the pain in Spike’s face and reached over to touch the other man’s hand. “I said some awful things to you after that, and I hid behind a lot of inflated self-righteousness that was only fronting for jealousy. I was so angry that you were the only one who could make her feel anything then, so I just let loose on you.” He took in another long breath and let it out with a shuddery sigh. “Let’s not even waste any breath on Anya. I really understand that one now. She was hurting, you were hurting – and you used each other to feel loved, or even just liked for a little while. I can honestly say I understand that now. So, I guess what I’m doing is saying that I’m sorry, and I’m asking for forgiveness.”

Spike quirked his scarred eyebrow at Xander, who laughed and said, “OK, your turn to talk.”

“Xan, why don’t we give all of that crap from the past a skip, yeah? Neither of us was exactly the model citizen at the time. I said and did a lot of things back then that I’m not exactly proud of either. I accept your apology.” He paused, and the two men smiled at one another. Spike looked down, and then met Xander’s brown eyes again. “The reason I’m treating you like a friend is because you are my friend. We should have been better friends before – I always thought we had the most in common of the whole gang. Hell, maybe that’s why we couldn’t get along. We’ve both done a lot of growing up in the last eight years. You were a kid then, and I was pretty much an adolescent myself, at least as far as behavior goes. I hope that we’re both better people now.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Xander surprised himself by breaking it to ask a question.

“When you were a human, did you look like Jase?”

Spike spluttered, “Huh? Like Jase?” He paused, and said, in a voice filled with wonder, “Bloody hell! You’re right! I did look a lot like him. I never noticed.” Spike’s mouth hung open.

“When I met him tonight, I realized it. He’s about your size, but slighter, and his eyes are really close, but not as beautiful. He’s got your same bone structure. Put brown hair and glasses on you and there you are – Human Spike, er … William, I guess.” Xander grinned broadly. “I bet if we got him to do the accent it would be uncanny!”

Spike shut his mouth, equally taken aback by the thought that Dawn’s husband looked like his human self and that Xander had said his eyes were beautiful. Xander kept speaking.

“Do you think Dawn did it on purpose? I wonder if she’d even admit it. Figures, though. Another reason I hated you – displacing me as Dawn’s crush object. Heh. I leave town and she married a lookalike. Who would have guessed?”

Spike finally smiled and shot Xander a sideways look. “Just how many reasons to hate me did you have? And did you keep an actual list on paper, or was it just mental?”

“Oh, it was mental, all right. Mostly just Buffy, Anya, Dawn, being cooler than me, stronger than me, more useful than me, and probably a couple more.” Xander ticked off the reasons on his fingers. Spike stared at him for a long moment, appraisingly.

“Xan, when did you get so honest?”

Xander sighed. “It was Shari. Man, she wouldn’t let me get away with a thing. She made me take responsibility for everything. I thought I knew about responsibility – you know, saving the world since I was fifteen and all? But I had zero sense of personal responsibility. I wanted everything to be somebody else’s fault, and she wouldn’t let me play that game for a second. God, she was tough. She made a man out of me.” Xander lapsed into silence, lost in thought. He almost missed Spike’s very quiet comment.

“She made a good man out of you, luv.”