Chapter 9

They had spent the rest of the evening packing their clothes and filling Xander’s long bag with a variety of weapons to take to L.A. The phone rang several more times during the evening, with both Dawn and Willow calling to finalize small details of their trip. Dawn and Spike had a rousing argument about whether they should drive Xander’s Mercedes or Dawn’s large SUV, with the SUV winning out due to the sheer volume of materials needed to keep a two-year-old safe and entertained for a week.

In another call, Willow had exacted a promise from Xander that he would be among the contingent who picked her up at the airport, saying that his was the first face she wanted to see, which prompted a tender smile from the dark man and brought a tear to his eye. She also asked about Tara’s grave, and he assured her that they had delivered the lilies as promised.

The last call turned out to be Giles, calling from England to speak to Xander. Xander took the Watcher’s mild chastisement while glaring at Spike for setting up the call without warning him. Xander wound up curled in one of the kitchen club chairs talking to Giles for more than an hour. Halfway through the conversation, Spike had padded into the kitchen carrying the throw blanket from the library sofa, which he had draped over Xander. Then, dropping a kiss on the top of the tousled dark hair, he had wandered off again.

After finishing the phone call, Xander had drifted back to the library, where Spike sat at the large desk, typing on a laptop computer. Xander curled up in the other desk chair and waited until Spike looked up to ask his question.

“Whatcha doin’?”

Spike looked a little embarrassed as he stripped off his glasses and began worrying the stem with his teeth again. “I’m writing my soddin’ memoirs. Giles asked me to do it.” He frowned. “I’m not telling them all the good stuff, though.”

Xander sat up straight. “So, you’re making like Lestat and telling all the vampire adventures?”

Spike sighed. “It was the Vampire Chronicles, and it was Louis who wrote them, not Lestat and do you ever read a book?” Xander pulled a face at him and Spike shut the computer down, pushing himself away from the desk.

“You don’t have to stop. I didn’t mean to …” Xander babbled. He stopped when Spike leaned across the corner of the desk to look into his eyes. Once he was sure Xander had shut up he spoke in a low, warm voice. “I can do that anytime. Right now I want to be with you.” Xander flushed, but didn’t break the eye contact. The vampire reached out for his hand and pulled Xander out of the chair. When they stood face to face Spike dropped the warm hand he held and lifted his fingers to run them lightly along Xander’s jaw and down the side of his neck, pausing at the warm pulse point. When Xander leaned forward, a hard hand on the center of his chest stopped the motion, and the blond head shook at him in a quelling gesture. Once Xander stilled, that hand started to move, lightly tracing Xander’s prominent collarbone and toying with the few dark curls that peeked out of the neck of yet another black tee shirt.

Spike licked his lips and began to speak in a low tone. “Don’t have to do anything, luv. I just want to touch you.” Xander felt held in place, waiting for each word to drip slowly from the vampire’s lips. “You feel so good, so warm. I can feel - I can hear the blood rushing under your skin. It sings. And you burn.” The last word was a low growl, lifted with a tone of wonder. Spike continued, “When you told me that you burn for me, I – I don’t know how to describe what that does to me.” The blue eyes closed and Spike leaned forward to brace his forehead against the taller man’s chest. He stood there for a few moments, taking and releasing unnecessary breaths. Xander lifted one hand to touch the short hair at the back of the pale neck, keeping his touch light, following Spike’s lead.

After several moments of silence, Spike lifted his head, but did not make eye contact. “Xan” he said, in a quiet voice, “I have to tell you this. I haven’t been with anybody since … Buffy.” Xander gasped. “But, Will, that was almost nine years ago.” Spike sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I’m quite aware of that.” He raised his eyes to Xander’s again, his voice almost pleading. “There just wasn’t anyone for me, pet. The demons all hated me since I hung out with the Slayer. The Slayer, well – that was such a rousing success – I was just dying to go back to that as well; humans were right out. Where was I to go?” He laughed mirthlessly.

Xander thought for a moment. “Why no humans?”

Blue eyes narrowed and pink lips drew back in a hard smile. “Once the chip was out, soul or no soul, I could smell the blood in them, feel it, hear it. I was out of control. Part of me roared, night and day, endlessly for their blood.” Spike realized that his hands were opening and closing on the broad shoulders of the other man. He stilled them and his face softened. “It was bad, pet. Real bad. I couldn’t trust myself to get close to anyone new. I was afraid of what could happen. After a while, a long while, I got back in control; I stopped having screaming fights with myself every day, anyway. I stopped wanting to greet the sunrise every other sodding morning. But there was no one for me.”

Xander saw the pain the eyes before him, the tension in the compact frame. He gently enfolded the smaller man in his arms and rubbed small circles on his back. He was glad the he could return some of the comfort Spike had given him – was it really just two nights before? Once he felt the tension starting to ease, he walked backward to the sofa and sat, pulling Spike against him, settling them so that Spike’s head rested on his chest and their legs were stretched out on the leather upholstery. After a few moments he spoke quietly into the blond hair below his chin.

“Will, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here. I know I wouldn’t have been any help, but maybe things could have been better. I hate it that you had to be so alone.” He pressed a small kiss into Spike’s hair. He was startled when the vampire started laughing against his chest. He slipped his fingers under Spike’s chin and tilted his head up with a questioning look. Spike continued to laugh for a moment, and then grinned at Xander. “Can you believe that this was my big seduction scene, luv? I was all ready to sweep you off your bloody feet and I turn into Angel – laying on the angst.”

He shook his head at himself and Xander laughed, too. “Well, I haven’t exactly been Mary Sunshine myself, Will. I think I could give Deadboy Sr. a run for his money with the piling on of the broody lately. Why don’t we both take a giant step and get over ourselves? We can watch TV and bullshit then go to bed. We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.” Spike nodded and then broke the eye contact to rest his head on Xander’s chest again, listening to the slow, steady beat of his heart.

They stayed on the sofa for over four hours, changing position only to allow Xander to stretch whenever muscles cramped or circulation got cut off. They talked and told stories, taking turns sharing bits of their lives from the years since they had seen each other. Spike described some of what it was like to try and balance the soul and the demon, and Xander related his climb out of hopelessness and drug dependency. They reminisced about the exploits of the Scoobies in the old days. Xander nearly fell off the sofa with laughter when Spike told the story of Sara’s birth and the havoc the whole gang had created in the hospital. In between stories, they simply relaxed. Spike’s ear rarely left the spot over Xander’s heart and Xander kept one hand entwined in the blond waves resting against him. Their touches were gentle and completely platonic, both men understanding the deep need to give and receive physical comfort.

Eventually, Spike lifted his head and told Xander “Sun’s almost up. You ready for bed?” Xander nodded, and then stretched into a yawn causing the vampire’s body to rise on his chest as he arched his back. He sat up, shifting Spike to sit at his side. They both rubbed their hands over their faces for a moment and then struggled to their feet. Xander flicked off the lamp and they wandered upstairs through the lightening gloom of the house. At the head of the stairs, Xander turned and went into the bathroom. When he came out, he could see Spike through the door of the master bedroom, sitting on the end of his bed, smiling at him a little sadly. Without thinking too much about it, Xander looked into his own bedroom, and then back to the figure slumped across the hall. “Stay with me?” he whispered.

Before the sound was even completely out of his mouth, the vampire was beside him. Xander smiled and took the cool hand in his own, tugging Spike toward the bed. He released the other man and they both climbed into the large, soft bed. They lay side by side for a moment, not touching. Turning his head to the side, Xander lifted his arm, smiling as the soft blond hair brushed his chest and the cool ear settled over his heart. A leg tangled with his and he settled his hands on Spike’s back, rubbing circles over the smooth, soft skin.

Hours later Xander drifted awake. Realizing where he was, he resettled the sleeping form against his chest, pulling the smaller man more on top of him and stretching his cramped arm. Spike’s hand came up to rest on his bicep, and two fingers scratched lightly at the inside of his elbow. The soothing motion sent Xander back to sleep almost instantly.