~ Jokes & Quotes ~ Page 1
Computer users, Click Here Web TV viewer to view as WebTv.
I am pleased to see you made it to page 1 of Jokes & Quotes. Did you enjoy your ride over here? I hope you will enjoy your visit and these pages will bring cheer.
~ 1 ~ Joke
The First Paycheck:
There was a family that lived in a nice house by an empty lot. The family had a little 5 year old girl. The little girl was lonely. There were no kids her age to play with nearby and she did not have any siblings. Her mom would always tell her one day a friend will just show up.
Then one day a construction crew showed up at the empty lot next door and began building a new house. The little girl went out each morning to greet the construction workers. They all soon fell in love with the sweet little girl. They even gave her little odd jobs to do to make her feel important.
When Friday came around the men lined up to get their pay envelopes. Imagine the little girl's surprise when there was one with her name on it. She opened up the envelope and inside there was a check for $2.00. She was so excited she ran home to show her mom her very first paycheck. Her mom showed her delight at the girl's happiness and told her she would take her to the bank to cash her very first paycheck.
While at the bank, the little girl told her story, so excited she was nearly breathless as she told the how she came to get her first check.
The bank teller was very impressed. "What a very helpful little girl you are. Will you be working at the construction sight next week, too?"
She beamed and said "I will if those useless @#$%^^ at Home Depot ever get off their lazy ($*$&%& and get us that )%^*%($)$ dry wall we've been waiting for all week!
~ 2 ~
A kindergarten student asked for help to put his boots on. With the teacher pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, the teacher had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
~ 3 ~ Quote
A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the
wall, claims it is a forgery. ~ Morris Bender ~
~ 4 ~ Joke
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
~ 5 ~
Special Napkins:
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
~ 6 ~ Quotes
Daily nuggets of life by: Dave Meyer (Joyce Meyer Ministries)
To be blessed with more, we must be
blessed with what we have. To be blessed with what we have, we must be thankful.
God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome.
Jesus will be Savior without your behavior.
If you've allowed him to be Savior,
He'll change your behavior.
If you put your schedule before God, the devil will make sure He doesn't have a place. If you work your schedule around God, everything else will fall into place.
~ 7 ~ Joke
Where Is God?
Two little brothers were always in trouble in the town they lived in. The parents decided the only thing to do was to have the new Priest in town talk to them. The Priest agreed but he said, only one at a time. So Billy went first. The Priest walked into the room where Billy was sitting and asked, "Where is God"? Billy just sat there starring at the floor so the Priest asked again, in a louder voice, "Where is God"? Billy started to squirm in his chair when in a booming voice, the Priest asked, "Where is God"? At this point, Billy jumped up, ran out of the room, down the street into his house , up the stairs, into his room and stood leaning against the door making sure he hadn't been followed.
His brother Bobby asked him. "What happened"? And Billy said, "You are not going to believe this, but God is missing and they're trying to blame us"!!!!
~ 8 ~ Joke
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
~ 9 ~ Quote
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is."
~ 10 ~ Joke
One Sunday morning a priest noticed little Johnny staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy,and said quietly, "Good morning, Johnny." Good morning Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" little Johnny asked. "Well, son. it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barley audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
~*~
I would like to introduce you to my uncle Harry. He's a swell guy. He would like to lead you over to page 2. Page 2 was under construction for awhile and a few changes were made. So uncle Harry gets confused from all the changes. He carries a map with him, so he shouldn't get lost on the way.
If you would prefer to try making the trip on your own, you can click on to "NEXT" just under my guest books. Hope to see you over there :)
~ My Other Pages ~
Next Index Welcome Page HOME
