Welcome ye Landlubbers, to the First letters o Dear Vulgar! Yar if ye be wanting some sissy way o dealin with yer problems, go see that wench Anne Landers! Vulgar only gives the Pirate way o doin things!
pac2323@hotmail.com writes
I'm in love with one of my friends, but he thinks of me only as a friend, and I am incredibly lazy, these are my two main problems.
I was faced with a problem like this not long ago! I was wantin the Least Diseased Whore in tha port were me crew docked, and she only wanted a "traditional" pirate like Black Beard! So the way i solved me problem was by BURNING HER HOUSE TO THE GROUND, AND KEELHAULING HER SISTERS AND MOTHER! HAR HAR HAR
as for love well just do what vulgar does!Always remember if you give a pig a little grog, it makes them easier to hold down in the mud, Yar, and they don't squeal as much either!
Young Nasty Man writes: Dear Vulgar,
I have a problem I thought maybe you could help me with. Sometimes I like to dress up real pretty like a woman, but its hard because I can never wear low cut dresses. See, I have a major back hair situation to consider. Ive tried shaving it, which works fine for the most part, But I can never reach far enough down my back to get all the unwanted hairs. Plus shaving causes razor burns which appear as red marks, and it causes acne and other such problems. How would you suggest removing back hair?
Also, do you have a good way to get blood out of silk stockings? Yar, just be goin out as is me sexy lass! Yar a little body hair never be hurtin anyone! Yar this pirate be findin it very sexy indeed! Yar but if ye insist on not havin body hair thar be one thing that springs to mind! One time on me ship, i was needin to punish a lazy crew member, he went by the name o Robert the Hairy! well fer his punishment i decided to be keelhaulin his ass! Yar in a Keel haul a rope be tied around a victim, then it be brought to the other end o the ship, all crew members pull the rope, and the victim be pulled into the water and drug under the bottom o the ship! Now if ye know anything about ships, ye know about all the barnacles that be attached to the bottom o a sea vessel. HAR HAR HAR after he healed we couldn't call him Robert the Hairy anymore on account that he be having no hair left at all, Yar then again he really didn't have a face left either. HAR HAR HAR.
as fer the blood stains, Yar i can't be tellin ye how i keep mine so clean, Yar ancient Pirate Secret
Iamstartingtothinkthatmydesktopbuddiesaregay writes: Dear Vulgar,
I have three desktop buddies on my desk at work... A Mr. Potato Head, one Talking Golf Bag and a Linux Penguin. Everynight before I go home I give them a little "Don't be scared of the dark tonight" pep talk. Anyways I go home and every morning when I come back into work they are in various cuddling positions. I calmly have to tell them that there is no need to be scared at night because nothing is going to hurt them, but they don't listen.
Can you help a brother out? Yar, Vulgar has been known to be cuddlein up with Penguins and Potato's when the sun be settin, Yar they always seem to be very comforting to this pirate! Yar, so the problem be with the Golf Bag, Says I. Try this, Run at the Golf Bag Swearing with yer cutlass drawn and be ready to chop that landlubber down! Yar this should make him stop being afraid!
Someone who be paying Vulgar a large sum o money asks: Dear Vulgar :
This guy I sorta know from the ViewAskew WWWBoard is always saying retarded dumb stuff. It is starting to affect the livelyhood of all WWWBoard members. He's really weird and from somewheres in the UK. Always going on about this ridiculas movie he wrote and is now in production. Calls it Death rides the nine or something. We all death walks the plank and not rides the nine. Anyways I really want him put on ice if you know what I mean. It isn't like he ever says anything of any importance anyhow. For the good of the board do you think you could help me out. Oh yeah his online name is Fielding Melish Yar consider it to be done! HAR HAR HAR me ship be pointed toward the UK as we be speakin!
idea looted from Piscez
