I have a dark secret. No one will ever want to associate with me if I tell you. So I won't. Hahaha. Don't even make me try. I don't want anyone to know, for I am such a guilty person... perhaps I shall never tell anyone, though my dear Wanda was wondering where I was on Friday. Not that I'll tell her or anything. Wouldn't want her modeling career to be harmed by this secret which would make me an evil person. But, I already am an evil person, because I did this horrible thing, I ruined my whole life. But it was a joke, you know, a simple joke. However, I shall now and forever have to live with it. I'll never tell you, or anyone. Never. No one will ever know. You probably don't even want to know, you all think that I am such a wonderul person, that I would never do anything wrong. But you are all mistaken, confused, misled. I am of the worst possible genetic material. I should be forced to go live under the ocean with pieces of celery to talk to! But even that would be too good for as awful a criminal such as myself. I shall never reveal the secret.hmph. there. I need to go wallow in self pity. leave me alone. good bye.
January 12, 2001
I feel so neglected. Did anyone out there know or even care that I am dying? Yes. In case you ignoramus human-like beings did not know, I am dying of a disease known as neglect. yes, it is true. If watermelons do not get paid any attention to, we wither away to nothing. I am now no more than a rind and a couple of seeds. I hope you are happy. I am making Wanda type this for me, for I can no longer type. She, of course, will never die because she is Wanda and Wanda lives forever! But i am dying. I really hope you all are satisfied. there. good bye you all who hate me! -BOb I have had such a busy week. First, Wanda's hair specialist accidently used the red hair dye (which Wanda uses only for special photoshoots) as a shampoo, which Wanda tearfully explained to me from behind a curtain, is devastating. She won't come out of the private hair salon we had added onto our beautiful house. She is now out, but was greatly depressed because of her light pink hair. When I told her that it made her seem very feminine and petite, she cheered up. I persuaded her to have her picture taken like that, and I soon hope to have it up on the website. Perhaps not though, depending on how it turns out. I hope that by now you all have made my fantastical BObcake, a wonderful delicacy. My cheese breeding is coming along very well. I made a historical break through when I breeded Gruyere cheese with Linberger. I found the result to be good- tempered, sweet, as well as able to satisfy my need for a perfect cheese. I present it tomorrow at my CBC meeting. I am sure that it will be well- received. I am planning on entering it in the CBC annual contest. Heyoooo assures me that I will win. Binky-Loo has just received a report card from her modeling school. I was very puzzled by the appearance of Z plusses on her report, but Wanda and Binky-Loo told me (like I was an ignorant little child) that when you do so well in a class, nothing will do but give above an A plus, coming to a Z. I felt rather stupid, and bred Cheddar and American all night long as a punishment. I must go now, for my dear Binky-Loo is calling me
April 11, 2001
~BOb
August 2, 2000
Greetings! Guess what? I went to the pediatrist (that's a fancy name for foot doctor) and he gave me a beauteeful splint on my big toe, which has been hurting me for years. It turns out I had a small bruise under my toe, which would never have healed without a splint. The splint is beautiful and purple. Binky Loo drew pink hearts all over it. Wanda says that it does not match any of my clothes, and has gone out to buy me some to go with my splint. I appreciate her efforts, but they are not necessary. Well, that's about all that is new. Email me, people! I'm stuck here with this purple splint on my toe. EMAIL ME!!! Whether I know you or not!!! I soon will!!! My email address is at the bottom of most pages. TATA
~BOb
Hallo, everyone. How are you? I am not so good. I have injured my big toe again. It is very hard to type. Binky Loo suggested that I learn to type with my hands, but I find that idea absolutely ludicrous. Hands! Really! Wanda suggested that I go to her physical therapist. She goes there sometimes for her pinky finger, which she injured during a particularly treacherous photo shoot. I will think about it. Heyoo had a large growth spurt. He is outgrowing all his clothes. Wanda is very pleased. She is dashing around like mad, trying to make sure he always had at least twenty or thirty outfits that fit him. She is so busy shopping for him, she hardly has time to shop for herself. She's also gone absolutely mad with back-to-school shopping for Binky Loo, who will be attending a Modeling/Performing Arts school on the East coast in September. Wanda is going to film a movie over there for part of the year, which will be good. She will be near Binky Loo during her first year there. Binky Loo, of course, won't have much of a problem adjusting or taking care of herself. She's already learned to tie her shoes, wash the dishes, and is studying advanced algebra on her own. I don't understand algebra at all. I failed pre-algebra in 10th grade and never took math again. Rather sad. Anyway, my toe is really beginning to throb now, so I think I will go get Binky Loo to help me to bed and get me some pain-killers. It is so nice to have a beautiful, intelligent 6-year-old around the house!
-BOb
July 11, 2000
I feel so terrible. I have been neglecting my journal, and it has started to feel unloved. I also, by the way, feel unloved. It is an awful feeling. Nothing interesting has happened to me. email me please everyone. i am going to email all of you!! I feel so unloved. I am started to sob. sniff sniff. Goodbye you cruel people. my journal and I am about to break into tears, so we will go have a cup of Splorshallo. It is spaghetti sauce, chocolate sauce, minestrone and chicken noodle soup, and any type of coffee. It is especially good topped with marshmallows or chocolate chips!! BUt i must go now, for you all dont like me!! Hmph. Farewell.
-Bob
June 16, 2000
The dance recital went rather well. I only fell and tripped three times. Wanda brought me roses and said that she was very proud of me!! I am proud of me too!!!Heyoo is playing baseball this summer. He is going to play shortstop, because he is so short!! Everything in my life is going well. I went to several of my friend's graduation yesterday. It was long, tedious, boring, and all around rather dull. Oh well. that is life, I suppose!! The heat is killing me, so I need to go take a run through the sprinklers. Binky-Loo and Heyoo want to join me, but sprinkler running is a very serious business, and very complicated at that. I doubt their ability to handle it. So, alas, the responsibility of joyously running through the sprinklers falls to me, for it would mess up Wanda's hair.Toodles for now!!!
-BOb
June 5, 2000
I am so very terribly sorry that I haven't written in so very long. I am afraid I have no excuse. But Binky-loo's school put on a dance recital, and they needed someone to be a king in the dance, and I got to be the king. I must go practice dancing!!
-Bob
5/5/00-Hallo! It's been rather a long time since I've written. Let me explain why. After my last entry I was walking along, carrying my journal, to go pick up Binky Loo at her dance lessons. On the way a rude little punk with pink hair knocked me down with his skateboard (he was brandishing it above his head like a weapon,) stole my journal and ran off. I immediately called the police and reported the theft. A week later they called and said that a little girl had found it. It had floated ashore on a beach in Florida. This greatly upset me, as I didn't have enough money at the time to fly to Florida and get it. (Wanda did, but she doesn't like to share.) Finally, I remembered the modern marvel of postage stamps. They police put my journal in a manila envelope and sent it to me. However, the plane carrying the mail was hijacked and crashed to the ground around Kansas. No one was killed, but the pilot received rather bad bruises on his behind. My poor little journal was lost in the commotion. A week later, I received another call from a farmer in Kansas. He had found my journal! His horse had been sleeping on it. I gave him my address and he promised to send it to me. Unfortunately, the horse had become rather attached to it, and bit the farmer rather savagely when he tried to take it away. The farmer went to the hospital and the horse was sold to a juvenile horse delinquent correction center in Nevada. The journal went with it. The people at the correction center took the journal away from the horse to punish it for biting. The horse is now making a steady recovery. Anyway, they called me and this time I could not risk waiting for someone to send it to me. I drove down in my rickety orange space shuttle and picked it up. Hooray! Hoorah! I have it back now!!!
-BOb
Feb. 11, 2000
I hate the rain so much, it aggravates me. Wanda finds it equally annoying. It makes her hair damp and soggy, losing the happy bounce and joyfullness. I am so upset. I cannot write any longer.Goodbye....I'll write more later.
-BOb
Feb. 4, 2000
-BOb
December 27, 1999
Hallo everybody. Hope you have had a jolly christmas!! Or whatever sort of holiday you celebrate in this jolly month of December. I, personally, celebrate the birth of Me!! Yes, my birthday is in December! December 23 to be exact. I am feeling rather depressed, as no body said happy birthday. I shall have to go into hiding. I am mortally upset. You evil evil people. Wanda is very disappointed at all of you. YOu seemed like such loving people. But, anyway. I suppose that there is not much that I can do if you all choose to ignore me. boo hoo hoo hooo hooooooo. Ok. i feel much better now that i have let that out. My cheese breeders club meetings are going very well. I have successfully bred Gouda and American cheese, as well as a three kind mix, Monterey Jack, Cheddar and Blue cheese. It tastes like gasoline oil. My personal favourite so far is a provalone- swiss mix. very holy, i must say. Well, i must go to mourn my missed birthday. Good bye all of you cruel people. I shall perhaps talk to you later if anyone redeems themself by wishing me a happy birthday. (and i am now 99, too, how could you miss such an important date!!???) Good bye. I am going off to breed more cheeses, for they at least respect me.
-BOb
December 18, 1999
I haven't written in such a long time. I hope that you all are having a merry holiday season, and that you are all eating cheese daily. I have devoted myself to breeding cheese. just yesterday i was elected president of the cheese breeders club. (aka, cbc) It is so much fun. please make sure that everyone knows that it is important, and that i am the president of the cbc. Wanda is most proud of me, and says that we can do lunch more often. Also, to make sure that everyone knows, and congratulates me, she has decided that the first person to congratulate me on my new position, will get to do lunch with her. lucky people. Anyway. I haven't gotten stuck in lockers, as noone goes to school anymore. People everywhere are talking about this thing called a Y2K bug. Wanda has made me promise to squish it when i see it, so that it will not frighten her. I hope that everyone received my letter about how our wonderful family is doing. I feel happy right now because i am eating fries and chocolate sauce. Wanda, for some odd reason finds this rather weird. I am also pondering the existence of snowmen. how odd. well, i must be off. I am hosting a cbc meeting tomorrow, and i must get some cheese samples, so i can breed them quickly. Farewell
-BOb
November 13, 1999
I have made a very large decision. I am going to start exercising again. Wanda and I had a very very long talk last night, and she was very upset. She said that it was most embarrassing to be seen in public with me because I was so fat. I felt very upset, but I agreed to start exercising more. Wanda also said that it would be bad for Binky-Loo's career. Today I am going to go out and buy some weights and running shoes. Wanda will come with me because I have no sense of style, so she will pick out some cute little popular exercise equipment for me!! Also, she needs to get new exercise equipment because she just had her baby. It is called Heyooooo . Heyooo is a very cute little baby. Wanda hopes that he will grow up just like me, only famous and beautiful like her. Most difficult, I must say, but with Wanda as his mother, he is sure to become a king!! Binky- Loo starts modeling school on Monday. I am so proud of her. She will grow up just like her mother!! :-) Wanda wants me to go make
her some fruit juice, so I must leave. TaTa, (that is a term that I learned from Wanda, she says that it is used a lot in the modeling business and in Hollywood!! I feel so special using it!!!)
-BOb
October 29
Today I found out that Wanda can not spell. She has been trying to teach me, because she said I spelled wrong. But I was writing a nice letter on some pretty pink paper, and Binky Loo came over and told me I was spelling everything wrong! I was alarmed to hear this. Binky Loo goes to a very good and expensive acedemic preschool, so she knows these things. Now Binky Loo is teaching Wanda how to spell. Wanda is rather mad about it, but she gets very happy when Binky Loo gives her a "Good Job" sticker. I am rather jealous.
-BOb
October 8 1999
Today was soooooo boring. I had absolutely nothing to do, so i shut myself into Saoirse's locker, and entertained myself by staring at a picture of this person named Daria, who looks oh soooo bored, and i tried to talk to her, but all she said was "oh, i am so excited" in a very dull tone, so I ignored her and instead talked to this bird who had no name, but who told me that he is stuffed with hard metal things that make him stick to the locker door. I said that i would have to think about that, so i spent most of my time doing that. I have also decided that Binky- Loo must start coming to school, because although she has been going to try out photo shoots at the modeling school and her prospects of getting in look very good, I want her to be very well rounded, and be smart and pretty. I have found that some people don't like people that are smart and pretty, they call them perfect, but no one could not like my dear little Binky Loo. Please, if you could possibly, could you take Binky- Loo to school. She dearly loves humans and is most enjoyable. Well, i believe that that is all...... farewell my sweet friends,
-BOb
October 2, 1999
Woweezoola!! I haven't written in here for a while have I?? How mysterious. Well, I guess I haven't written in here because nothing has happened, besides accidentally locking myself in 5 different lockers, 7 times each. 12000 times being stuck in a locker, not to mention all of the times before that. I'd say that overall, I have locked myself in lockers about 25 times.. . yes, that seems about right. Well, last night I went to this thing that I wish to call a loud human social event at SSSCCCCCCCHHHHHHOOOOOOOLLLL most weird, i must say. a social gathering at school. In Fruitland, we have social events at the YWDA..Anyway...... I went to this social event, and took Wanda. It was loud, and most funny. A lot of people were talking to each other to talk to their friends, to talk to their friends, to talk to some other people who would talk to their friends, who'd talk to their friends, who would talk to their friend, who'd ask the first person to dance, then they would both go hide in the bathroom. Wanda and I were immensly amused. They had good little snacky things though, some yummy things called pretzels. Yummy. I must go now though. Good bye
-BOb
Sept. 18, 1999
Yesterday I went to a foot ball game at this HUGE place called a highschool. I went with my friends Laura and Jessie and Sammy. There was a certain guy there who this certain friend of mine claims, wait, no, doesn't like. yeah, a friend of mine doesn't like a guy who was there. so my good friend Jessie who had some skittles, tried to hit him on the head. She very sadly missed, so another one of my good friends, Laura tried hitting him on the head with a skittle. She hit him, and he looked VERY confused. he rubbed his head, then spit out on to the ground. Aren't human guys just disgusting??
-BOb
Sept. 17, 1999
Today I got some goop that was simply deeelitefull. I played with it all day, and even though I was stuck in side a locker (again) it was VERY fun!! Well, my day's have been getting pretty boring. I need people to write to me, and to check my webpage!! It's so delitefull. Binky loo wants to go to school, but she needs someone to adopt her. If you know of anyone who would LOVE a little pineapple who is sooo cute, just contact me. Well, i don't know what else I can say. I am thinking about taking up running, do you think that a good idea. Wanda just got back from a photo shoot. She left Dole and is now doing independant. for grocerystores. She is getting so talented. well bye
-BOb
Sept.15, 1999
I have been trying to explain myself to some insignifigant little seventh graders who have a crush on each other!! Actually my good friend Saoirse is doing all that, but I am watching and kind of helping. After that I went off and ran about 700 miles, or it seemed like that. And then I had to take Binky Loo to the dentist because her foot was hurting. The dentist was rather annoying. He gave me a retainer to put on her foot, then sent us away. I came home to find comfort in Wanda, but she had a much harder day modeling for Dole again, so I rubbed her feet, put BinkyLoo's retainer on her head, and gave her a massage. I am feeling much better. I am still looking for a good karate place. Tell me if you know of one!!
-BOb
Sept. 12, 1999
Today was uneventful too. I have been staying at home, trying to teach my dear little cute, but , and I regret to say it, rather stupid, daughter to walk. She hasn't yet mastered the art of picking up her feet, so in distress I have come to my dear home page for comfort. please give me some!! I must go and try again. But first let me tell you about yesterday! I decided that I would try to educate myself in the art of karate, so I went to a karate class!! Unfortunately, when I tried to sign up, the people went crazy. They kept saying that they heard a voice, but couldn't see a voice maker!! I nearly went ballistic, cuz I hate ghosts, they are SOOOOOOOOOOOSOOOOOOOOo scary. I ran away and I am now afraid that I will never learn karate. Tell me if you know of someplace that is not haunted by ghosts where I could successfully learn Karate!!
-BOb
Sept. 10. 1999
Today was a most eventful day, apart from the fact that nothing happened. hmm. Well, yesterday was most exciting, but slightly confusing. There was an assembly, and i went up on stage, but no one noticed me. most disappointing. i tried climbing on DarthMaul, but he appeared to be made out of paper, and would not respond when i talked to him . most aggravating, and confusing.And the day before that, there was another assembly, which made me so thouroghly confused, that it wasn't even funny. a guy kept shoving a microphone in peoples faces. it made me quite enraged. in alien, shoving microphones in peoples faces is an insult of the greatest kind. he also talked about booty's, which made me sooo sensitive.i really must write a letter about it. humph. well that is all
BOb
Sept. 7, 1999
Today was most distressing. I went to school with some human friend things, and i was accidentally locked into a locker!! Have you ever been stuck in a locker, it is not a pleasant experience. However, after that, I got to go have lunch. most entertaining. however, there was a bee there, and bees always love watermelons, most flattering, yes, but happy, definately not!! it was a scary experience, and i ended up being stuck up in a tree for quite a while. actually, i was stuck up there until 4:00, when Wanda just happened to pass by on her afternoon jog, and helped me get down. I am now writing it all out in my journal. i shall go have a nap, as my day has been very tiring.
-BOb
September 6, 1999
Today I tried to sleep in untill 3:30, but my dear beautiful Wanda woke me up at 10:30 to have me drive her to her photo shoot at the grocery store in Los Angeles. I flew her there instead, because my dear friends Lisa and Saoirse called and wanted me to meet them downtown. I said goodbye, sweetest Pineapple, my sweet Wanda, and went off to meet my friends. How lovely. I was stuck waiting in a tree for them for quite a while, as i wasn't sure where to meet them. 3 hours after i had arrived there, i saw them walking past. I had them help me down, then we went off to have a icecream at a store known as TCBY. I, being a ruthless cannibal, but a very loveable one at that, had watermelon Sorbet. we had to walk all over the down town area, and it got mostly rather boring, but we went in many air conditioned stores, so everything was mostly happy!! I bought a most lovely fur coat for my wife, but forgot it in a nice store. ah well, just don't tell Wanda. I shall have to go now, as Wanda is sending mental waves of distress. perhaps the photographer is threatening to eat her again. i shall have to be off quickly. You can always tell when you are in a good relationship when you can send messages telepathically. oh no, Wanda is getting mad, i really must be going. Good bye, oh my, i have written a lot haven't i? Well, toodles!!
-BOb
September 5, 1999
Today I went to the beach. it was rather fun and jolly. However, I tried to help these kids build a sand castle, but they didn't want me to help, so i jumped all over it. they got rather angry, and tried to cut me in half with a shovel. I was most upset, so decided to go for a swim in the ocean. Let me tell you, that was a BAD idea. I almost floated all the way across the world. Wait, no, that is an exageration, I floated almost half a foot away. luckily, the tide brought me in, and everything was jolly and happy, and all joyish like.!!Anyhow, today was a rather succesfull day, and i found the beach to be a very exciting place. However, i would suggest that you stay clear of SHOVELS!!! When i got home, i found that my dear wife Wanda had gone off to a photo shoot. I will go pick her up now.
-BOb
