If you have ever wondered what was in all of the Bop, Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, and all of
the other beats, but you thought that the $3.99 price tag was a bit steep,
or you were just plain to embarrassed to go to the check stand with one in your hot little hand?
Well, do not fret. I have just spent my last $10.00 until payday (it's only 4 days.
Maybe I can borrow diet coke money from Susie) on two of these wonderful things.
I will take you through them, page by page, and let you in on what's up. As always, I will also let you know what I think and
translate them into un-teenybopper language and tell you what they really mean.
We will start with the January 1999 issue of Bop, and move onto the Jan. issue of BB.
Looks innocent enough, a cute picture of the boys on the front cover, a caption
catches my eye, "exclusive 'N SYNC when they settle down." Now this should be good.
First thing when you open the magazine you get the Hansen girls on one side and Lance
on the other. They sure make Lance look good.
Page 6 'n syncs dream digs.
First big surprise, Lance wants to move back to the country; he's gonna be a farmer.
He wants horses, dogs and kids. Somehow in two paragraphs he seems to fit in
Mississippi twice...not bad, not bad at all. What this really means is that Lance
misses his mom and wants to go home.
Now Joey wants to move to the country also, I really doubt that he could make it
a week without a Taco Bell and Burger King down the road. But as I read on, he changes
his mind and decides he wants two houses, one in the city and one in the country; he also
wants to get married. HE! HE! I hope she is way understanding or way stupid, 'cuz when
he starts filling her full of crap about a man needing more than one woman to
keep him happy, she better not have much to say. Maybe he should marry one of Lance's hometown
friends. I hear they raise them real dumb down there. ( I don't know--I've never been to
Mississippi.)
It's "wickedly hard" for JC to decide where he wants to live. Hey, JC this
stupid article doesn't commit you to anything so just say something, even if it is retarded
(just like Joey did). Wait, he says he wants to live somewhere in the city where
all of the action is. I don't know why it matters...he would have to get out of bed
to enjoy it.
Chris wants to live in the city, in the middle of the "action." "I want to
have a fun house, you know where everyone says, let's go to Chris' house."
He is gonna fill his house with toys. Good hell, he's 27 now, and in 5-10
years, nobody is gonna hang out his house. There is a name for people like that...
SICKO-PERVERT. I don't care how cool you are, kids shouldn't hang out with old men.
If it's adults he's talking about, well most adults have real jobs and families.
They don't have a lot of time to hang out.
Justin likes Miami, Florida. I'm not even gonna touch that one. The only thing I
know about Miami is that there are alot of cross-dressers there. Or he says
that he might want to move back to Memphis, by his parents...big surprise.
On page 10 there is a bunch of pictures of two 13 year olds that won some contest
and got to hang out with the boys for a day. The boys look real excited to get to
hang out with these two chubby, no makeup wearing, bad dressing teeny boppers.
Next page, a picture of JC, looking smug as hell with ugly shoes. From the
photo shoot when they are wearing matching striped sweaters, and Lance is wearing overalls.
You all know the one I am speaking of.
Then 4 pages of crap that I could care less about....
Now more pictures of the chubby contest winners....I am scared as hell. Joey tells
one of them "oh I'm sure you will, sweetheart" when she tells him she wishes that
she can see him again. Oh hell, has he gone through all the girls over 18 and now
he is working his way down? I'm over 18. Why didn't I get a chance at Joey? Oh
wait, I know why, but let's not get into that now.
Then there are 10 more pages of all the other celebs that
the girls got to meet.
A few more pages of crap, then an add for next months magazine, "A very special
Bop spectacular!!" Lot's of 'n sync in this issue. On sale dec. 15th.
7 pages of crap, then a little question for readers to anwser..."If you had
a chance to go on a date with your favorite celebrity but your parents said no, what would you do?"
My Favorite answer. "If I had a chance to go out with my favoirte celebrity,
Lance Bass, I would definitely accept, but if my parents said no, I would obey,
because I trust their judgement, and I'm sure my date would understand."
NOW THAT IS COMEDY!!
A Justin centerfold--I wonder why they would pick him instead of Chris? He looks
real young. A foldout picture of the band is next, Chris is wearing a fuzzy
black hat. It confuses me.
The news section is next, Chirs got his braces off. That's news? I had no idea.
YIKES!! A full page picture of Chris is next, and he has on the fuzzy hat and a
shiny shirt, now I am really confused.
Now we are down to the good stuff: the poem and drawing section. A Lance poem.
I feel that I should share this with you. Get out your kleenex ladies, this shit is touching.
Lance you are so fine, Anytime I would make you mine. Your voice is so hot,
it makes me like you a lot. Anytime I see your face, my heart feels like it is in a race.
Your hair is so cool, it lets me know you are no fool. I just have to say, and it is true,
Lance, I love you!
Isn't that lovely. I would add something about Mississippi, but that is a bit hard to rhyme huh.
Then we have a drawing of the boys that makes them all look like squish-faces.
And a poem about Justin, almost as nice as the Lance one, but I am too lazy to type
it in. Go buy Bop yourself if you care that much.
And that brings us to the Joey fact sheet: a double page picture with a little
fact sheet, IN HIS OWN HANDWRITING!! I will just let you in on the good stuff, his
favorite book, Macbeth...Yeah right, we believe he could read and understand Macbeth.
That's all there is worth making fun of; the rest is just regular, retarded Joey.
He did say his favorite thing to do is have sex with under-age girls. Ok that is a lie...that's what I say his favorite thing to do is.
There is one Bop magazine for you, now aren't you glad that you didn't waste your
money on this gem? You should be.
Now one down, one to go. This on will be more brief 'cuz this is turning into a novel.
The cover once again has the boys on the front, and you can guess they don't look like dogs.
When you open up the cover BANG! JC and Lance staring at you.
On page 6 "getting dreamy with 'n sync" Oh, they are gonna tell us their dreams--is that allowed in these kinds of magazines? Let's see, Chris has a hard time
remembering his dreams. The other night, he had a dream that everything he touched
turned to gold. He says it's cuz he got paid $200.00. I say that $200 is just chump
change to Chris these days. I think it is his child support payment and he was late
getting it mailed.
Lance says that he also has a hard time remembering his dreams. In fact, he says
he has a hard time remembering much of anything. "I even forget the words to some of our
songs." Come on dude, I even know all the words to your songs, and I don't get paid and I have never been
chased down the street for an autograph. The only thing that could have made that statement
any more retarded is if he would have mentioned Mississippi. He then goes on to ramble
about some dream about New York and some celebrity. It makes no sense at all.
The other night Joey had a dream about being in college and geting locked out of
one of his classes. You don't have to have a college degree to figure that one out. Is someone feeling left out? Well, just kick Justin's ass and tell him to pay attention
to you.
Oh, JC only remembers 1 out of every 15 dreams, and not one of them is mentioned
in this article.
Well, little Justin Timberlake admits to haveing a reaccuring dream about Carmen
Electra. Then he says HA! HA! just kidding. We all know who Justin dreams about anyway...his mom.
Nothing interesting until you get to the Chris fact sheet, IN HIS OWN WRITING.
Guess what his favorite magazines are? Bop, and BB. OK I believe that, sissy boy.
For some god-forsaken reason, the chubby contest winners are in this mag. too.
There is a picture of Lance hugging on of the girls--not the normal "I have to
hug you 'cuz you spent your cash on our CD" hug, but you know: huggin'. Holdin'
on tight, both arms around each other, never want to let go huggin'. I'm not sure what
that is all about. Susie says it's just a friendly hug, I say...Damn! how can I get
one of those hugs? I bought the CD, I have the movie, the book, I set my VCR for
all the TV shit. I think I have earned a hug.
Now, I come upon 2 color centerfolds of the boys, and one of Justin alone (was
that really necessary?)
I feel that I need to mention that the boys are wearing baby blue velore shirts in one of the pictures.
They are ugly as hell, and Lance looks fat. No, not just fat, he looks like a complete
lard ass.
The poem and drawing section is next, A Justin poem, very touching. A Lance
poem. I am once again crying. It makes me wonder why there are no poems for the
other boys? I will take it upon myself to make up some poems for the other boys. Yeah, I will get right on that.
On pg. 72, there is a picture of Justin holding a rose, and he says that when he
really likes a girl, he will go to the grocery store and pick her up a rose, Hey Justin,
could you pick up some eggs and milk for your mom while you are there?
And the last two pages have a bunch of little color pics of the boys in the
ugly velore shirts. There's a cute one of Justin, but that's about all. The shirts have
got to go.
Well, there you go. Two magazines wrapped up for you. Now quit saying I never
do anything for you. Now, do me a favor and don't buy them for yourselves; wait and
get the christmas extravagana. Now that one looks excellent. Remember, December 15th,
it is a very important day for us all; mark your calendars. It is a Tuesday. December 15th.
