C vs. D

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  You... you... 

Chapter 5:

It was now lunchtime, or rather, ten minutes after lunch had already begun. Gohan stared at Dende over the huge pile of food on his tray. Dende glanced down the counter, talking to himself.

"Let’s see… milk…apple juice… lemonade… orange juice… water… well, I’ve got one of every beverage on the menu! Guess I’m set!" Gohan glanced at Dende.

"Is that all you’re getting?" He asked, snatching up three more rolls and adding them to his tower of food. Dende grinned.

"Yep! I don’t normally eat but I’ve worked up one heck of a thirst, and these various juices and things looked good." Unfortunately, Dende was not to get off as easily as he thought. He marched up to the cash register and put his tray on the side. The cafeteria lady squinted at Dende’s choices, and then glared back down at him. Dende gulped.

"Now kid, I need to have a talk with you. First off, you’re not fat. Eating the right things will keep you at your nice slim self. At your age the last thing a growing body needs is a lack of food… a healthy diet should consist of some vegetables, meat, fruits, lots of grains… " The cafeteria lady continued talking as Dende motioned Gohan over. He bent down to Dende’s eye level.

"Psst! Gohan, what the heck is this lady carrying on about?" Dende whispered. The lady didn’t notice, as her eyes were closed, as she recited a speech she had reserved for this day. Gohan caught drift of some of the things the lady was saying, and whispered back to Dende.

"I think she thinks that you think that you’re fat and have an eating disorder, and that’s why you’re not ordering any food." Dende sighed, and glanced up at the lady, who was waiting expectantly. He nodded.

"Fine ma’am… I’ll uh… take two of those. What are they?" Dende pointed at a section of the counter that contained several biscuits. The cashier rolled her eyes.

"Those are rolls kid, you can’t get away with just those, you need more sustenance to grow and thrive!" The cashier replied angrily. Dende sighed again. He pointed where a few errant cups of jello were.

"I’ll take three of those too. How’s that?" Dende asked, still confused. Eating was a complicated task for the young Namek. The cafeteria lady began to turn red. She was obviously quite angry.

"You can’t have a good diet consisting of rolls and jell-o!" She screamed. Dende took a step backwards, surprised. He decided to take a stand.

"Look, I don’t see what’s so hard about this!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. While the cafeteria lady retorted and the two began arguing, Gohan stepped in carrying a salisbury steak, a chef salad, and some macaroni and cheese. While they continued their fight he snuck in and put the food on Dende’s tray. The lady prepared to counter again when she glanced down at Dende’s tray and smiled.

"Good choice kid, two rolls, jell-o, good drinks, vegetables, and a main course! You’re well on your way to becoming a healthy individual again!" Dende froze, obviously not expecting this response. He glanced down as his eyes widened.

"What the…"

"That’ll be five zeni, kid!" The lady replied cheerfully. Not wanting to get stuck in another argument, Dende paid the woman and walked forward a few steps, waiting for the cafeteria lady to ring up all of Gohan’s food. Dende glanced down at his tray, scowling.

"I don’t even know what this is…" He muttered. Behind him, Gohan grinned, and paid the cafeteria lady fifty zeni. His grin complementing Dende’s frown, he led his friend to a pair of vacant seats.

Having finished his meal and wishing he had more, Gohan chuckled as Dende continued to entertain him. Funny thing was, Dende wasn’t trying to be funny, and hadn’t taken any notice of Gohan’s laughter. Gohan continued watching as Dende dug into a roll with a spork and hesitantly tore a piece off.  Gohan decided to help his friend out.

"Uh, Dende? You commonly just shove the roll in your mouth and chew… use that spork on your steak!" Gohan pointed at the steak so Dende could tell his food apart. Dende glanced up from his chore and glared.

"This isn’t very easy Gohan! Why must this be so complicated? I don’t even want to eat!" Gohan scratched his head.

"Why don’t you want to eat Dende, surely you can manage to choke this stuff down, it’s the first time in the last year, right? Besides, you might like it." Dende looked pained as his eyes softened.
"And you might grow a little too." He thought, chuckling lightly in his mind.

Dende glanced at Gohan, unconvinced, but took a small bite out of his steak. Suddenly his eyes bulged. Gohan gulped.

"HOLY COW!"

"Dende? What’s wrong?"

"This is really good! Who’d have thought we Nameks hadn’t discovered this! Eating’s great!" With that, he savagely attacked his roll, gobbling it down with one gulp.

"I told you so, Dende!" Dende scarcely acknowledged him and began to attack his steak. Suddenly he stopped and stared at Gohan.

"What’s this steak made of?" He asked.

"Ummm…. Cow…" Gohan replied. Dende blinked and began to cry softly. Gohan recalled the huge respect Nameks had for plants and animals and all living things. He felt sorry for his friend. "Awww… Dende… ummm… it’s already dead… you didn’t kill it." Dende looked up and wiped his eyes.

"I don’t know… it’s just the principal of eating something that was killed… and… and…" He glanced down at the steak and unconsciously licked his lips. "And… But… it’s…" Gohan observed as Dende’s hand began to shake and slowly edge towards the steak, as he began to glance down at it again. "And… And… ah, the hell with it, I’ll wish the cow back to life later." He finished, savagely stuffing the steak into his mouth. A few moments later, he was finished. "You’re sure there aren’t any unfortunate side effects to eating?" He asked. Gohan shook his head.

"Nothing really Dende, I just wish you had asked me, I could have helped. Take a look at this!" Gohan reached into his backpack and pulled out a small box, handing it to Dende. Dende traced a finger over the huge neon letters. He glanced up at Gohan, bewilderment on his face.

"Saiya-jin survival kit? What the heck is this?" He asked, curious. Gohan grinned, then his face became a mask of pain as he groaned.

"Oh, it’s a good thing I brought that today, hand it back okay? I need to use it." Dende scratched his head and handed the kit back to Gohan, who unhooked the latch and threw it open. Dende glanced inside at the contents. His eyes narrowed, as his expression became tight lipped. He gazed up at Gohan.

"Why am I not surprised?" He said icily.

Gohan rummaged around the kit, rearranging six bottles of pepto bismol, an economy size roll of rolaids, and various other medicines designed to treat indigestion or heartburn until he finally pulled his hand out, clutching a bottle of antacid tablets. He popped the top open and downed twenty of them before closing the bottle, putting it back in his kit and closing the lid. Dende gasped.

"What’s wrong Dende? I feel a lot better now that I took my medicine." Dende stood still, completely taken aback.

"Gohan… you’re only supposed to take two of those! Not twenty!" Dende exclaimed. Gohan smiled, then looked alarmed, realizing that he had lied to his friend, and hoping Dende didn't catch on that he was witnessing a side effect to eating this very moment…

"Don’t worry about it Dende, Saiya-jin metabolism is so fast that we pretty much have to multiply the dose of any medicine we take by ten." Dende rolled his eyes.

"Oh. I was wondering why this kit was so big. Hey, isn’t it about time for the next class? What is it?" Gohan smiled, putting away his kit.

"It’s one of my favorites, but it’s usually boring. It’s home economics! I hear we’re having a guest speaker come in and tell us the right way to make clothes look stylish. I wonder who it is?" Gohan’s eyes betrayed his delight. Dende gulped.

"I don’t know Gohan, I’m not very good at making clothes, and I really hate boring things! Why do you think I’ve been wearing the same outfit for ten years?" Dende stood up and swept his hands over his outfit, acknowledging himself. Gohan shrugged.

"Don’t worry Dende, you’ll do fine. Maybe we’ll even be able to make you something new to wear, and if not I’m sure my mother will take us to the clothing store." Gohan stood up and threw his tray into a garbage can twenty feet away. Dende threw his and it bounced off the rim and cracked the plaster on the wall. He gulped.

"Ahhhhh…. Come on, we’d better get going since I think I just heard the bell ring." With that he dashed out the entrance to the cafeteria. Gohan shrugged, and followed happily, glad to be going to his home economics class.

Little did the two know just how interesting the guest speaker was going to be…

The two of them found a table with two empty seats, and sat down. Dende glanced around and noticed that the class was filled with girls, and that Gohan was the only guy. Dende thought about it, and shrugged. Gohan grinned and turned around, conversing with the girls. The one sitting behind him, a blond with two pigtails (alright, it’s not very original, but I’m a writer, not a hair stylist! ) smiled.

"So Tia (This isn’t a knock against anyone who may have this name, it was chosen in memory of my dear deceased dog, who passed away a week before this was written.), any idea who the special guest is today?" The girl who was quite obviously named Tia smiled brightly.

"Gohan, he’s half the reason we all signed up for this class! We all want to meet him! I hope he’s here soon! He’s sooooo awesome!" Gohan scratched his head.

"The whole class wants to meet him? Who could be such a popular guy? Mr. Satan?" Tia giggled.

"No, you’ll see silly, it’s…" From behind him, Dende kicked his legs up onto the table and started laughing hysterically, even as the girls who had been watching the front of the room all started talking at once.

"Piccolo!"

"He’s here!"

"Yo! Piccolo-san! Over here!"

"Marry me!"

Gohan’s jaw dropped. He turned to be faced with his mentor, who was frozen stiff and staring at Dende and Gohan. He also had a sewing machine perched on one of his shoulder guards. A bead of sweat trickled down his face. He groaned.

"Uh… I don’t suppose you two are in the wrong class? Are you?" Piccolo murmured softly. Gohan was still too stunned to speak, but Dende laughed.

"No, sorry, this is where we should be… Piccolo-saaaaan… Dende said sarcastically, trying to sound like one of the girls in the class. He put his head in his arms and laughed some more. Piccolo struggled to maintain his composure. After all, he had a home economics class to teach. He sighed and sat down behind the desk at the front of the room, and glared at Dende. Dende knew that glare. He shut his mouth quickly. Piccolo smirked, then launched into a five minute lecture about the importance of sewing buttons onto clothing. After he finished there was a pause. No one spoke.

"So now we know what good buttons do. Are there any questions?" Everyone in the class except Dende and Gohan raised their hands. Piccolo sighed.

"Keeping in mind I already explained that I can’t get married, go out with any of you, or anything like that." Slowly, the girls sighed and lowered their hands. Dende choked out another laugh. Piccolo smiled.

"Alright, now I’m going to teach you all something very useful!" Piccolo boomed. Everyone except Dende stood at attention. "This isn’t normally covered in the curriculum, but many people take advantage of innocents. So I’m going to teach you all a few basic self-defense moves! Now, to do this, I need a volunteer to demonstrate my training method. Does anyone want to help me?" All the girls, eager to help out their idol, raised their hands, as did Gohan. The only hand not up was Dende’s. Piccolo smiled his evil, demonic grin again.

"Dende, how about you?" Dende’s eyes widened and his antennae perked up at the mention of his name. He looked at Piccolo in disbelief, and pointed at himself, a scared look on his face.

"M…me?" Piccolo nodded. Dende began sweating. "But teacher, I’m not quite sure I’m the best…"

"Go help Piccolo! He’s the bomb!" One girl shouted from behind him.

"Yeah, don’t hold back you jerk! Piccolo’s trying to teach us!"

"GO UP THERE NOW!"

"YEAH!" Dende glanced back at the mob of angry girls. He weighed his odds. On one side there was Piccolo, and on the other there were a bunch of girls ready to kill him if he didn’t help their mentor. Dende gulped.

"Uh…okay… I’m going!" Dende started trotting up even as thrown erasers and rulers hurtled past him. Piccolo grinned.

"Alright, now I’m going to demonstrate a basic punch on Dende, who’s so helpfully volunteered." Piccolo pulled his arm back, even while Dende clenched his eyes shut, silently praying. Then he heard a smacking sound and looked up to see Piccolo with clenched teeth and narrowed eyes, rubbing his nose with his right hand. He glanced at the class. Everyone, even Gohan, looked quite confused by what had transpired.

"Now then, as I was saying… a basic punch is like… OOF!" Piccolo was cut off as, raising a fist to strike at Dende, he pulled back and punched himself in the gut. Piccolo swore.

Dende stood there, confused. Piccolo was getting angry.

"This is a basic ki-" Piccolo didn’t finish as his other leg flew up in the air first and he landed hard on his back, getting the wind knocked out of him. The girls all screamed and stood up. Tia, who was at the front, pointed at Dende.

"Hey girls! He’s doing some kind of mind trick to Piccolo and is making him hurt himself! What are we going to do about it?"

"Let’s beat that little punk up!"

"Kill him! He hurt Piccolo-san!"

"Throw him in a trash can! Shove him in a locker!" The girls started marching forward. Dende’s eyes widened. Gohan gulped. The only time he had seen Dende look that way had been when Dodoria and Freezer had destroyed his friends so many years ago. It was the look of extreme fear. Dende smiled awkwardly as the girls advanced further, trying to throw them off.

"But wait ladies! I’m not doing anything! Don’t you see how cute and adorable I am! Uh… wouldn’t you rather help your mentor then hurt me? Um…" The mob advanced closer. Dende gulped again. "…I’ll… uh…" Dende rummaged around his collar. "…give you all… fifty zeni?" Gohan stood up, and began inching his way towards the mob. Tia glared at Dende, fire in her eyes.

"Don’t let him fool you! He’s a little monster!"

"He hurt Piccolo!"

"Let’s smash him!"

"Don’t take his money!"

At this moment Dende’s instinct for survival kicked in. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed, running out the door. As soon as Dende left the room, Piccolo stood up. All the girls turned in disbelief to look at their idol again.

"Piccolo!"

"You’re alright!"

"Did that little brat hurt you?" Piccolo held up his hands, calming the group down. He grinned.

"Now now, please calm down. I was just pretending, and I needed your help to play a trick on him and teach him a lesson, don’t go and kill him, okay?" The girls slowly nodded, hypnotized, and sat back down. Gohan also sat back down and breathed a sigh of relief. The class continued without event, and soon it was over, after Piccolo taught them all how to make his standard outfit. Gohan approached Piccolo once all the girls had left, although the mob had descended to his desk before crowding out the door.

"Hey Mr. Piccolo! Wasn’t that a little harsh? Now we don’t even know where Dende is!" Piccolo grinned.

"Nah, he needed to learn a lesson Gohan. Besides, I’m sure he’ll turn up. I have another class to teach and I don’t want you to be late, so why don’t you go hurry to your next class? I’ll tell him that I’m not mad at him if I see him." Gohan nodded.

"Okay, thanks Piccolo! You taught a great class!" Gohan waved and walked out the door. Piccolo glanced down at his desk, which was covered in apples his admirers had left. He picked one up and frowned.

"Why can’t they just leave bottled water?" Piccolo sighed.

There were about three minutes until his next class, and as often happens soon after lunch, Gohan was feeling the call of nature. (NO! I’m not going to get detailed! You all can keep reading! Don’t worry!) Following the same route he took after every home economics class, he marched into the boys’ restroom and was taking care of business. He heard a strange clicking noise, and glanced up at the ceiling. His eyes widened in shock when he recognized Dende hanging from the lights. The Namek’s eyes were wide; he was shuddering, drenched in sweat, and was chattering in fear.

"A…are they gone?" He asked, his voice quivering. Gohan groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Hurry Dende! We’re going to be late!" Gohan exclaimed, jogging down the hallway. Dende struggled to keep up with him, since Gohan had a size advantage. Gohan glanced down at Dende, who’s tongue was hanging out, his antennae were limp and plastered to his face, and he was gasping for air. Finally, just as Dende was about to pass out, and much to his surprise, Gohan grabbed the Namek and tucked him under his arm like a football.

"What the?! Gohan, put me down! We don’t need to get there that fast!" Dende exclaimed, panicked. Gohan remained silent, and put on a burst of speed. He hadn’t been late or absent for school the entire year and he wasn’t about to lose his perfect record now. Spying the open classroom ahead, Gohan reared back, grabbed Dende by the waist, and tossed him through the door. He then tensed for a giant leap…

…and shoulder rolled through the door just as the tardy bell kicked in with a resounding BBRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!! He lay there panting next to Dende, who had unceremoniously flown through the door moment’s earlier. A blurred figure stood over him. He blinked once as his vision focused, revealing his English teacher. The sixty-year-old woman was not happy.

"Well well, thought you’d pull it a little close today, did you Son Gohan? And what’s more, you’ve decided to drag the new kid into your hair raising antics as well. Well, you two may take your seats. Class is about to begin." Gohan stood up and practically dragged the semi-conscious Dende into his seat. He then flopped into the empty seat next to Dende’s and wiped the sweat from his forehead. The record was still perfect for another day.

The teacher smiled, and rummaged around in a cabinet, pulling out a large cardboard box.

"Okay class, today we’re going to reenact a scene from a famous play. It’s called Romeo and Juliet! Now, to make this extra fun…" The teacher smiled, not noticing the rest of the class roll their eyes. "…we’re going to dress up as well!" Now, I have the most wonderful medieval clothing here that would be PERFECT for our Romeo… Gohan, you were almost late, how about you?" Gohan gulped.

"Um, okay… I guess I can play Romeo…" Gohan glanced at the empty seat where Videl would be sitting if she hadn’t been… misplaced… Gohan felt a single tear welling in his eye. "Oh Videl… I promise whoever gets to play Juliet, I’ll still only think of you…" The teacher nodded.

"Good, now who wants to play Juliet?" While Gohan was lost in his thoughts, Dende glanced around. No one seemed especially eager to play Juliet. He had actually been daydreaming, and he had no idea about the classic play. He also still hadn’t quite grasped the difference between a guy’s name and a girl’s name.

"Well…Gohan did say I should stick with him and I’ll be okay," Dende thought. He shrugged and raised his hand. Someone behind him snickered. Gohan continued, lost in his thoughts. "Ah Videl… I can almost picture you in your seat smiling, right next to Dende and his raised hand… RAISED HAND?!" Gohan’s eyes went wide, but it was too late. The teacher was already pointing at Dende.

"Well, it seems a little odd, but sure kid, you can be Juliet… you two come up here and get your books and costumes." The teacher remarked, surprised. Dende eagerly hopped out of his seat and practically skipped to the front of the class, followed by a slowly walking Son Gohan, whose face was red. Somewhere behind Dende another kid snickered, but Dende didn’t seem to notice.

"Okay, your name’s Dende, right kid? Here, take this and put it on." The teacher said, reaching into the cardboard box and coming out with a lovely yellow dress. Dende smiled.

"Alright, sure thing ma’am!" He said eagerly. Giggles resounded throughout the class, but Dende was still unobserving. Gohan felt like every laugh was directed at him though, and accepted his costume without a word. By the time Gohan had tugged the loose pants over his outfit, Dende had already put the whole dress on and was twirling around, grinning.

"Hey, this looks and feels great! I should wear this some other time!" Dende exclaimed. The class exploded into laughter. Dende scratched his head, wondering what was so funny. Gohan had dropped the top of his suit and had gazed up in the air with a "Why me?" look.

"Okay class, now our Romeo and uh… Juliet are going to perform the dancing scene!" Dende glanced at the teacher.

"Dancing? We get to dance? Don’t worry me and Gohan are good at that! Come on Gohan, lets spin around like we used to do when we were little! That was fun!" Dende said, grinning. The class burst into laughter again. Gohan glanced at the clock and sighed. Thirty-five more minutes of hell were left. He was going to have a talk with Dende about human customs when they got done with this.

While Dende was putting Gohan through mortal embarrassment and in one day destroying the reputation he had built up for the past three months, Piccolo was busily grading papers in his home economics class. He was also very thirsty. He heard a knock on the classroom door and glanced up. The girl known as Tia was standing there looking at him meekly.

"Oh, hello. What do you need?" Piccolo asked. He had heard some of these humans occasionally needed remedial help, and even if he was only going to be a teacher for a day, he was determined to be a good one. Tia smiled.

"Well, you looked so thirsty, Mr. Piccolo sir. I kinda thought you um… might want something to drink?" She said hopefully. Piccolo reacted without thinking.

"I’m sorry, I’m not very thirsty, no thank yo-… what are you doing?" The girl had silently begun to cry. Piccolo scratched his head. "Um, what’s wrong?"

"Y…  you just don’t like me, that’s all!" Tia cried. Beads of sweat trickled down Piccolo’s face.

"Now now, you’re a nice girl, it’s just that like I said, I can’t go out with anyone. I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings." Piccolo replied awkwardly. The girl wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and looked up.

"Are you sure you don’t want this drink I brought you, sir?" She cried. Piccolo weighed his options. He could both accept the drink and make the girl feel better with a minimum of trouble. Or he could refuse the drink and spend the next ten minutes convincing her that he didn’t hate her, he just didn’t want anything to drink right now. He chose option A and put on a fake smile.

"Um, on second thought, something to drink would be fine, thank you very much." The girl smiled gleefully and pulled out a can of pop, practically thrusting it in Piccolo’s face. Piccolo read the label.

"Super Mega Hyper Jolt Cola? What the heck? Ten times the caffeine?" The girl smiled.

"It’s to help keep you awake sir, I’ve heard teaching can be a boring job." Piccolo glanced back up at the girl.

"Well, I prefer Ice water, but I guess there’s nothing wrong with trying new things…"