~August 1999~
‘Hi, I’m Amber. Amber Kelly. And I am sitting here, all alone on my front porch, having just lost my best friend. Not because of a fight or anything… just because I didn’t have the guts to tell him how I really feel. And now I don’t know what to do. You see, he’s a playa. He could have any girl he wants, and not have to worry about that feeling the rest of us get… guilt. He’s famous, he’s good looking, he’s sweet and most of all he’s charming. I’ve lost count of the amount of girls he’s had since becoming a star. Before getting the fame and recognition he always craved he was your average guy (though he was just a boy then) and I always respected and loved him. I still do love him, but how can you respect someone who abuses their fame and sleeps around? Sure, have a little fun… but at least think about the consequences. And that’s kinda where me being alone fits in. He told me that he wanted to be with me and I rejected him. Imagine how that bruised his ego! I didn’t mean to hurt him but I guess I didn’t really think he could be in a serious relationship. How could he, the guy who couldn’t go without sex for 24 hours, seriously love me… and want to be with just me? Maybe I should begin nearer the beginning. When I could cope with his endless one-night stands, and handle his never ending references to sex. Okay… let me start with when I joined him and the rest of the Backstreet Boys on tour. That was early this year.’
~Early 1999~
“Nicky, baby. That girl over there is checkin’ you out,” I laughed, looking across the coffee shop.
“Where abouts?” Nick asked, not turning around so the girl wouldn’t know he was interested… yet.
“Okay… I wanna get this right…” He looked at me oddly. “Totally hot chick checkin’ you out at 5 o’ clock.” He laughed.
“What does she look like?”
“Dark hair, olive skin, exotic looking…” I began. “Pretty big boobs and legs up to her armpits.”
“If I’m not back in twenty minutes, then I’ll see you at the hotel for dinner.”
“Okay stud,” I said sarcastically. Nick laughed and made his way over to the girl. I slowly sipped my coffee and smiled to myself as Nick made his move, obviously using his pick-up lines. Not that he needed to, as the girl was all over him and you could tell she was gagging for it. Nicky would definitely give it to her good. After twenty minutes I paid for our drinks, winked at Nick and left.
“So Amber,” AJ began, sitting down next to me. “You wanna come and help me get laid tonight?” I playfully shoved his shoulder,
“Baby, you need more than my help!” Kevin and Brian laughed as AJ feigned hurt. “At least Nick gave me something to work with,” I joked.
“Y’all talking about me again?” Nick laughed from the doorway.
“D’ya have a good sh*g Nicky-boy?” AJ asked.
“You know it,” he grinned.
“You know Nicky,” I said, standing up and going over to him. “You shouldn’t be so cocky… ‘cos one day you’ll lose your looks, and these,” I grabbed his privates, causing him to tense up. “Might fall off.” I let go of him. I laughed, “Ah Nick, I didn’t know I had that affect on you.” He looked down and turned red. I ran out the door, yelling over my shoulder, “Are you guys coming?” They laughed as they followed me down to the lobby.
We all raised our glasses and Kevin stood up, “Okay… here’s to friends, f**ks and fun…” he paused and looked at me. “And to Amber. The only female I know who’s met Nick and known him for longer than a week.” We all laughed.
“Hey. I’m not that bad!” Nick protested.
“Uh-huh, whatever Nicky,” I responded.
“I’m not!”
“You keep believing that baby.” I lifted my glass. “Anyway… to us!” We all clinked and went back to eating.
I looked over at the clock, it’s red digits piercing through the darkness. 03:45. ‘Go to sleep’ I told my self, but I couldn’t. We hadn’t gotten back until 3am and I was now past the tired stage.
“Nick! Nick, wake up!” I whispered loudly into his ear. “NICK!” I almost yelled, when he didn’t respond.
“Holy shit!” His eyes shot open. “Amber, what the f**k are you doing?”
“I’m not tired… you want to do something?” I asked, climbing off of him and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“It’s… Christ, it’s 3:51 am. What exactly do you want to do?”
“Not what you’re thinking!” I laughed. “I guess we can’t do anything, right?” He shook his head,
“Sorry.” I stood up and pulled back the covers on my bed. “Amber, come here.” I turned back and Nick held his sheet up. I smiled and climbed in next to him. I kissed his cheek, before snuggling up against him and closing my eyes.
“Christ, I’m sorry!” I opened my eyes to see Brian hovering by the end of the bed. “I’ll… I’ll go.”
“No. No, wait!” I jumped out of the bed and Brian quickly closed his eyes. “Brian!” I laughed, “I’m not naked!” He opened one eyes, sighed and opened the other.
“Sorry, I thought - ”
“Me and Nick did it. Yeah, I know.” I answered. “When are you guys gonna get it through your heads that I am not gonna ever have sex with Nick?”
“And why not?” I tuned back to the bed.
“Because, no matter how good you are, I’d rather have your friendship.” He grinned.
“Ah, that’s so sweet.” He got out of bed and hugged me. I could feel his stiffness against my leg and I had to force back a laugh. “But one day you’re gonna beg me for it.”
“In your dreams baby,” I said, pulling away.
“Anyway,” Brian interrupted. “I came to tell ya to be ready for breakfast in half an hour. Kev and Howie want to check out a restaurant they saw last night.” I grabbed some clothes, grinned at Nick and ran into the bathroom, hearing him moan that I’d take to long and he’d never be able to get ready in time.
I wandered around aimlessly backstage. There were groups of fans standing around, eagerly waiting for the boys to begin the meet and greet. I stood by the door the guys entered through. Nick was last and he stopped to talk to me for a moment before following the others.
“Excuse me?” I looked up to see a slim, red headed girl in front of me.
“Yes?” I smiled.
“You’re friends with the boys, right?” I nodded, “And Nick?”
“Yep.” I scanned the room, seeing that all the guys were occupied with fans.
“Well, I was with Nick the other night,” she grinned.
“Yeah…” I wondered where this was going. She seemed surprised that I didn’t care.
“I don’t think you understand,” she said as if I were a small child. “I spent the night with him.”
“Yes… I know. You just said that and I do get it. You and him screwed the other night.” I was beginning to get annoyed with this girl.
“Well can you organise it so me and him can be in private?” She asked impatiently.
“I don’t think so,” I replied, beginning to walk away. She grabbed my arm,
“He’ll want to see me!” How big was this girls ego?
“I doubt it sweetie. Do you know how many girls have seen Nick naked?” She looked at me, disbelievingly. “Well, let me tell ya, it’s way more than just you. Excuse me.” I pulled away from her grasp and left her feeling shocked and upset.
“You’re quiet tonight,” Nick commented, handing me a bag of potato chips.
“You know, I’m down with you seeing as many girls as you like…”
“But..?” I looked over at him.
“But I draw the line at having them try and use me to get to you.” He paused the movie and looked at me with interest,
“What happened?” he asked.
“Some girl, who you recently spent the night with, wanted me to get you alone in a room with her.” I laughed, “I thought she was gonna turn nasty!”
“Why? What did you say?” Nick took the bag of chips.
“Something like did she think she was the only girl who ever saw you naked.” He laughed,
“Cool… though I’m sorry.”
“So you should be,” I replied, pretending to sulk.
“Hey, you forgive me. You always do,” he said, pulling me into a bear hug.
“Yeah I do. More fool me!” He kissed the top of my head. “Nick… why do you do it? Sleep with so many girls, I mean.” He shrugged, still holding me, my back against his chest.
“Because I can, I guess. And I love doing it!” I laughed,
“But why not find one girl… so it’s special?”
“Too complicated,” he replied. “I don’t need the hassle of a relationship. My career is too demanding right now.”
“Being in love is not a hassle Nick!” I said, “It’s the best thing ever,”
“And when did you get so clued up on the subject?” He turned me around to face him. “Who are you in love with?” I grinned,
“His name’s Tim… he lives in Orlando.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” He actually seemed hurt.
“Because I didn’t think you’d understand,” I replied quietly.
“Why wouldn’t I understand?” Nick demanded. His face was inches from mine and his eyes burned into me.
“Nick, you screw a different girl almost every night. You still think I want you… I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d comprehend that I was in love with someone… else.”
“Hold up!.. else?” Nick raised his eyebrows.
“Nick,” I sighed. “I’ve been in love with you since we were fourteen and you told me I was the prettiest girl you’d ever seen, and that if you ever got married it would be to me.” Nick laughed. “I know you weren’t serious, even then I think you were just after all you could get. But I still love you, and I expect I always will. But I love Tim too… and he’s there for me in a way I don’t think you’re capable of. He’s committed… with you… if I was with you, I’d always think you were screwing around behind my back.”
“If we were together I would never cheat on you,” Nick declared.
“If only I could believe you baby… but it doesn’t matter because you’re never gonna have to prove it.” I picked up the TV controller and pressed ‘PLAY’. Leaning back in Nick’s arms I wondered if he had understood my reasons.
“AJ! Baby!” I squealed, entering the hotel restaurant and causing every occupant to look at me. “Come and give me a hug sugar!” He grinned, raced over and swept me up in his arms. It was a ritual of ours, to cause a scene at least once in every hotel. Nick hated it and said it was embarrassing. I think that boy’s just a little too conceited. He needs to realise that the whole world does not revolve around him.
“Christ! Why don’t you just throw her on a table and do it,” Nick mumbled, pushing past us and joining the others at the table.
“Man, what crawled up his ass?” AJ said, taking my hand and pulling me after him.
“Deprivation,” I commented. “Nicky didn’t get any yesterday.” AJ laughed.
“Well I haven’t done it in about a month,” he said as we sat down.
“I can beat ya,” Howie said. “Two and a half months.” Nick look shocked,
“Man, that long?” Howie nodded.
“Nick, get a grip,” I said, taking a piece of toast. “Not everyone has to do it once a day.”
“Obviously someone isn’t getting any," Nick muttered to Brian, who laughed.
“I heard that!” I shot Nick an evil look. “It was three months, two days ago actually.”
“Amber, Amber,” AJ grinned, “If you’d have said, I could have helped you out sooner.” I laughed and shook my head.
“I’m not sex mad AJ! I think I can hold out a little longer.” I could feel Nick staring at me. “Quit starin’ Carter!”
“What?.. I wasn’t,” he protested.
“Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about my sex life.” I poured myself a cup of coffee. “Quick guys… talk about Nick. We wouldn’t want him to fade away because he’s not the topic of conversation.” Nick pushed me, a little too hard, and I fell off my chair. Everyone in the restaurant turned to look. I stood up, all the boys giving me worried looks. “Christ Nicky! Okay, I give in. I just don’t want to do it in here. I’ll give you a blow job later,” I said loudly. “No need to get violent.” I sat back in my chair as the guys tried to stop their laughter. Nick turned bright red, pushed back his chair and left. “Oops,” I smiled. “Was that too loud?” The guys burst out laughing as I continued eating my breakfast.
“Come on guys. We were supposed to be there five minutes ago.” The guys piled into the van and I climbed in after them, sitting down next to AJ. Nick, who was sitting across from me, averted his eyes so that he didn’t have to look at me.
“So Amber,” AJ grinned, “Did you give Nicky his blow job?” The others smiled widely whilst Nick shot AJ a dirty look.
“Nicky, I am sorry. But… you started it.” He turned to me, looking angry.
“I started it? You’re the one who always has to bring everything back to the fact that I like to have fun. Just ‘cos I like to sleep with different girls , doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings!”
“Yeah, whatever. So we all have to remember that you have feelings and make sure we don’t hurt them, but it’s perfectly fine for you to use girls for sex, then leave them thinking they’re special until they suddenly realise you’re not going to call?” I looked at him, not hiding the fact that I was disgusted by his attitude. “You’re a first class jerk Nick. I’m only friends with you because I know what you were like before fame went to your head. I’m still holding out for the day that you finally realise that you are not the center of everyone’s world.” No one spoke and an uneasy silence hung over us all. The only noise was Brian nervously tapping the side of the van. The van pulled up outside the studios and we all practically fell out of it, trying to escape the uncomfortable atmosphere . Nick walked ahead, obviously avoiding further confrontation. I felt bad, but to be honest I was only speaking my mind. AJ slung his arm loosely over my shoulder,
“You know Amber, we all let the fame and popularity get to us sometimes. Go easy on Nick. He was young when this all started. I can tell ya, it’s not easy having loads of pretty girls screaming at you and basically offering you their bodies. I went through that stage… and admittedly, even now, the temptation can be too much. Nick will grow out of it. Just give him time.”
“I know,” I smiled. “And I can understand, and you know that I am usually okay with it. But if he’s gonna act like the sun shines out of his ass, then I’m gonna keep taking the piss. It’s not like I do it to make him feel bad. Hell, we all make fun of him. But he brings it on himself. If he wasn’t so infuriatingly big-headed we wouldn’t have to try and make him realise he is not God’s gift.” I shrugged, “I guess until all these girls, who’ll readily let him do his thing, realise that he doesn’t actually care about them he’ll just keep on doing it…” I sat down on the chair in the reception area. “Now, go do your interview. Otherwise I’ll be here for hours.” Hr grinned and kissed the top of my head,
“Amber… just hurry up and marry Nick. You’ll be doing us all a favor!” I laughed and he ran after the others into the interview room.
Nick had gone straight to our hotel room as soon as we got back, so I decided to hang with the other guys for a bit. Maybe Nick would cool off and not be so mad at me. AJ sent me a sympathetic look but nodded his head towards the door, indicating that I should go sort things out with Nick. I sighed and stood up,
“Wish me luck guys.” Brian smiled at me. “If I’m not back in half an hour then tell my mom I love her.” Kevin laughed,
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad! Nicky’ll realise you didn’t mean it.”
“But I did.” Howie put down his book,
“Amber… even if you did… I think the only way Nick will be okay about it is if he thinks you were just mad. Lie… I know it’s stupid, but right now we need Nick to be happy and not moody. You know how he gets when he’s annoyed. He takes it out on us all.”
“Okay…” I opened the door, “Just as long as I can still think it.” Howie laughed,
“Can’t stop you thinking!” I smiled and walked across the hall to our room.
Hey.” Nick looked up from his game of Nintendo but didn’t respond. I sighed and closed the door behind me, before sitting down on the bed. “Nick, I’m sorry, okay? I know you have feelings and I’m sorry if I hurt them.” He kept his eyes on the game, but I could tell that he was listening. “It wasn’t intentional. I just… I dunno… maybe I’m jealous.” ‘Huh? Where did that come from?’ I thought to myself. ‘I am not jealous.’ Nick turned to me. ‘Oh well, whatever. It got his attention!’
“Jealous?” he asked, putting down the control. I bit my lower lip, trying to think of something to say.
“Yeah. I mean you have all this stuff and… your choice of women… maybe I want that too… not women, but you know what I mean.” He tried to hold back a smile,
“Amber, I know I can be… self-centered sometimes, but it’d not like I don’t have my priorities right! I know what’s important. My career, my family, and my friends are the most important things in my life.” He pushed back some of his hair that had fallen in his face. “Just because I do like to… keep my options open doesn’t mean I don’t realise that I am affecting these girls lives. Hell, it’s probably screwing up theirs just as much as it’s screwing up mine.” He stood up and began pacing the room. I watched him, for once feeling a little sympathy for him. “You know my mom knows about what I get up to?” I nodded. “D’you know what it feels like knowing that you’ve made your mother so proud of you. That’s what my singing and career did. But now she looks at me differently… she obviously sees what it’s done to me… I don’t know Amber, I can’t just stop. You’re right, I am a jerk.” I stood up and approached him. He looked upset and his blue eyes didn’t seem as alive as usual. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. “Amber, you and the guys are my only true friends… and I know I annoy you with my constant.. well you know.” I smiled,
“Yeah Nick, I know. Don’t worry. Just, don’t take me so seriously when I say stuff about your sex life. I don’t mean it half the time, and the other half… you have to admit it’s funny.” He cracked a smile.
“I guess.” I pulled away from the embrace and took his hand,
“Come on. Why don’t we go get the guys and go out to a club… except, you go home with us.” He looked at me for a moment then smiled,
“Okay… but watch me. Who knows where my hormones will take me.” I laughed and pulled him after me into the hallway, yelling to the others to start getting ready.
I climbed across Nick’s lap, deliberately leaning down hard on him as I took my place next to the window.
“Christ Amber! Could you weigh anymore?” Nick exclaimed, rubbing his leg.
“Probably,” I replied, looking out of the window at the carpet of cloud. We were going back to Orlando for a week. The guys had to sort out some legal thing with their record company and I was excited about seeing Tim again. I had spoken to him the week before, but he didn’t know that I was coming back. I wanted to surprise him. I had decided that I would take up Nick’s offer of travelling with them again when they resumed touring after the week break. I loved going to all the different countries and experiencing Backstreet mania first hand. I was brought back from my thoughts by Nick tugging on my hair.
“Usually you’d have killed me for commenting on your weight. What’s up?” he asked, releasing my hair and waiting for my response.
“Nothing. I just wish this plane would hurry up and get back to Florida. HEY! PILOT GUY! CAN’T YOU HURRY IT UP A LITTLE!!!? SOME OF US HAVE PEOPLE TO SEE!!!” Nick clamped his hand over my mouth as the people in first class look at me with disgust. I could see AJ laughing down the aisle though.
“Amber! Shut up! You’re causing a scene! Besides, the pilot can’t hurry it up.” He pulled his hand away quickly, “Did you just lick me?” I grinned and turned back to the window. “Anyway,” Nick continued, examining his hand. “Why do you want to get back in such a hurry?”
“Why do you think?” I sighed.
“Hmm, let me think… I know! You wanna screw Tim.” He said loudly.
“Who’s the one causing the scene now?” I asked. He shrugged,
“So, do I get to meet this guy?” I nodded,
“Yeah… I was gonna go see him straight away… if you wanna come?” Nick seemed a little hesitant,
“As long as you don’t start making out in front of me.” I laughed,
“Deal.” I once again looked out the window, praying that we’d arrive soon, and that Nick would get along with Tim.
“Nick! Hurry up, you ass!” I called, as Nick followed me up the path,
“Hey! Insulting me will not get me to move any quicker!” I stopped and waited for him to catch up.
“Sorry.” He smiled and we walked to the door together. I rang the bell and waited. I was surprised when a girl with blonde hair opened the door.
“Yes?” She smiled, openly looking Nick over, who smiled in response. I elbowed him and then answered,
“Hi. Is Tim in?” The girl smiled,
“He was in the shower last time I checked. In fact I was just about to join him,” she giggled. Nick looked over at me as I tried to control my emotions.
“Elaina! Who is it sweetie?” Tim wrapped his arms around the girl and kissed her neck before looking at me. “Amber! Wh- what are you doing here?” I stood there, completely shocked and at a loss of what to say. “Amber.. this.. I.. shit! This isn’t what you think!”
“Yeah, whatever. And exactly what else am I supposed to think?” I turned and began to walk back down the path.
“Amber! Wait… I can explain.” Tim followed me down the path and grabbed my arm, pulling me around to face him. “I… I was lonely. I didn’t know when you were coming back. I love you.” I stared up into his green eyes. My heart ached and I wanted to forgive him and have him hold me. But the anger inside me spilled over and pushed any other feeling I had for him away.
“F**k you!” I wrenched my arm away and went to Nick’s car, quickly climbing inside.
“You ass-hole,” Nick said to Tim as he followed me to the car.
“What’s it got to do with you?” Tim said angrily. “Like you two weren’t screwing around on tour. I think we all know your reputation!” I watched as Nick punched Tim, sending him flying to the floor. Nick rubbed his knuckles then climbed into the car beside me, and drove away. We were silent, and I looked out the window, biting back the sobs and tying to hold back my tears. As we stopped at a red light, Nick reached over and squeezed my hand. I pulled it away, and pressed myself up against the door. It wasn’t that I was mad at Nick. I felt humiliated. There I was, saying how committed and loving Tim was, and all the time he had been cheating on me. I felt so stupid, and I didn’t want Nick to see me that way. I didn’t say anything as I climbed out of Nick’s car and grabbed my bag.
“Amber, I’m sorry.” I looked at him for a moment. His face was clouded with worry and concern.
“What have you got to be sorry for?” I said. “Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you next Monday, when we leave.” I closed the door and went into my house, before I burst into tears in front of Nick.
“So, how’s Amber?” AJ asked Nick as they walked down the hall to the vending machine. Nick shrugged,
“I don’t know. She hasn’t returned any of my calls.” Nick sighed. “Man, she was so upset and she wouldn’t let me help her.” AJ put some money into the machine and keyed in a code.
“How could you help?” he asked.
“I dunno… just be there for her. Comfort her. I think this guy really broke her heart.” AJ watched Nick’s face as he spoke. He decided maybe now was the time to make Nick realise what he was himself doing.
“Ah well. She’ll get over it. After all it was just sex.” Nick looked angrily at AJ, shocked by his response.
“How can you say that AJ? She loved him and he used her, and betrayed her. And it wasn’t just sex!” Nick exclaimed.
“Maybe not to her,” AJ continued, noticing how mad Nick was getting. “But I’m sure this Tim guy was just having fun. After all… he’s what? Twenty? He’s got time to have fun with girls…” Nick looked about ready to hit AJ. “That’s what you’re doing… isn’t it?” Nick stared at AJ, suddenly realising what he was trying to say.
“The girls I go out with know that it’s not gonna get serious,” Nick said, trying to justify his actions. AJ shook his head,
“Nick you don’t go out with girls, you screw them. Maybe Tim felt like you do and Amber got the wrong idea. I mean, you said yourself that loads of girls you’ve been with have thought something will happen between you after.” Nick looked ashamed as AJ’s words sunk in.
“Christ… you don’t really think the girls I’ve been with… feel like Amber does right now, do you?” AJ shrugged,
“I don’t know. Maybe.” AJ was sure that if anything could stop Nick being irresponsible and careless about relationships, it would be to use this as an eye-opener.
“Maybe I should go see her,” Nick said. “We’re leaving in three days, so I should go and visit her beforehand.”
“But we have a meeting,” AJ pointed out. Nick had already began to make his way down the hallway,
“Cover for me,” he yelled. “AJ, this is important.” AJ couldn’t help smiling as Nick walked straight into a potted plant and struggled to stop it tumbling over. He gave AJ his embarrassed grin and ran round the corner.
I slowly made my way to the door as I pulled on a jumper. My mom had gone out which meant I was alone in the house. I pulled open the door and found Nick stood there, looking at me with those damn blue eyes. I turned around and headed back to the front room, leaving Nick to make his own way inside. He sat down next to me, taking in my disheveled appearance and blood shot eyes. I had never felt like this before. But it was strange. Of course I was upset by Tim cheating on me, but more than that, it was the humiliation of Nick knowing I was wrong. And I felt completely embarrassed. I could feel him looking at me and I hated having his sympathy.
“Quit starin’ at me Nick,” I said, not looking at him. I knew my eyes said it all. He didn’t say anything. I returned my concentration to the TV show that was on. It was a comedy, but it wasn’t funny. Nothing was funny. I felt Nick’s hand on my face, forcing me to turn towards him. His soft hands gently cupped my face and gently stroked my temples with his thumbs. He still didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, holding my gaze. Looking into his eyes I could see that he wasn’t just sympathetic, he was hurt. He was hurt… for me? I bit my bottom lip. Seeing him look at me that way made all my emotions rush to the surface and I couldn’t hold back the tears. Silently they ran down my face, covering Nick’s hands and my cheeks. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around my body, holding me close and letting me cry on him. I could feel his heart beating and my own sobs were muffled as I pushed my face against his chest. Finally I pulled away, not looking at him. He again took my face in his hands and wiped away my tears. I smiled at him half-heartedly. “Sorry,” I whispered.
“What are you sorry for?” he asked, smiling at me. I shrugged.
“For being a pain in the ass and not returning your calls… I meant to… I just…” Nick pushed some of my hair behind my ear and placed his thumb on my lips.
“Sshh. It doesn’t matter.” I was so close to Nick that I could feel his breath. I leant forward, not really knowing what I was doing. I brushed my lips across his. Loving the feel of his soft lips. At first he responded, opening his mouth and kissing me back, but he suddenly pulled away. “Amber, I don’t think…” I pulled away from his reach,
“Yeah, I know.” I stood up and switched off the television. “Just forget it happened okay?” He stood up and took my hand.
“Amber, that… that felt completely right to me… but it’s not right to do it under these circumstances. You are feeling vulnerable and it would be wrong for me to take advantage of that. You have no idea how much control this is taking.” I looked up at him ,once again wanting to kiss those lips. Maybe now I understood why all those girls let him have his way with them. He grinned down at me. “You wanna go get a soda with me?”
“Yeah… okay. Mind if I take a shower first? I feel yuck!” He smiled and sat back down as I went upstairs to get ready.
I smiled at the girl who had been waiting to use the plane bathroom after me and made my way along the aisle. AJ grabbed my hand as I passed and pulled me into his lap.
“Sorry,” he laughed. “I just wanted to talk to you for a sec.”
“Okay. What’s up?” I asked, putting my arm around his neck to get more comfy.
“Nothing really,” he replied, eyeing Howie, who was snoring in the seat next to him. “I was just wondering how you were doing. So..?”
“Okay I guess. I’m glad to be leaving Orlando for a while. Plus I get to hang out with all of you’s all the time too.” I hugged him, burying my face in his neck. I still had huge emotional mood swings, and at that moment I needed to be hugged. AJ seemed a little taken a back, but hugged me in return.
“You know you can talk to me… if you feel you can’t talk to Nick… right?” he said, looking at me intensely.
“Yeah, I know.” I got off his lap and went back to my seat. ‘Had Nick told them about what happened at my house?’ Nick stood up to let me sit down by the window. He took my hand in his and squeezed it gently.
“You okay?” I nodded. We were practically the same as before. I think the only thing that had changed was that I wasn’t as confident. Usually I would be shouting down the aisle to the other guys, or making fun of Nick. Now I felt like I couldn’t do that. I still felt embarrassed that I hadn’t realised what a jerk Tim was. I gently pulled my hand away from Nick and looked out of the window, hoping I would begin to feel more like myself again by the time we came back home.
I knocked on AJ and Howie's hotel room door and waited impatiently for one of them to answer. AJ gestured for me to enter and I smiled at Howie, who was sat on one of the beds, reading.
“I don’t mean to be rude, but do you think I could talk to AJ in private?” Howie climbed off the bed.
“Sure thing. Come and get me when you’re done. I’ll be in Brian and Kev’s room.”
“What’s up?” AJ asked, once Howie had left.
“Did Nick tell you about how we…” AJ looked expectant,
“How you what?” I bit my bottom lip. I didn’t want to tell him if Nick hadn’t said anything, but I wanted to know if he had.
“Kissed?” I said, holding my breath for his reaction.
“You kissed?” AJ exclaimed, obviously surprised by this news. “When did this happen?
“You mean he didn’t tell you?” I asked. AJ shook his head and waited for my explanation. I sat down on the bed.
“When he came to see me for the first time since… the whole Tim thing.” AJ sat down next to me. “He was being so kind and sweet. And he was holding me… and I guess I was really emotional… anyway, I kissed him.” AJ looked surprised,
“You kissed him?” I nodded. “I thought it would’ve been him kissing you.” I shrugged,
“No. In fact he was the one who pulled away. He said it would be unfair taking advantage of me when I was vulnerable.”
“You’re kidding?” AJ stood up. “We are talking about Nick Carter, right? Mr. I-Don’t-Care-Who-Gets-Hurt-As-Long-As-I-Get-Laid.” I smiled,
“He’s not that bad. And yeah. The Nick Carter.” AJ shook his head in disbelief.
“So, has anything happened since then?” I shook my head. “Do you want it to?” I was silent.
“I don’t know,” I finally responded. “I mean, I suddenly have all these feelings for him. But maybe they’re just a result of feeling rejected by Tim. Nick is hardly the best person to be my next boyfriend. But then again… I love him… and that kiss felt so right.” I paused, “Nick thought so too.”
“He said that?” AJ asked. I nodded,
“Do you think I should talk to him about it?”
“Yes.” AJ replied firmly. “I’ve been waiting for this day. Go now.” I smiled nervously and hugged him.
“Thanks AJ.”
“No prob. Come back and tell me how it went later, okay?” I nodded and left the room, stopping off to tell Howie he could go back and then heading to mine and Nicks room. I opened the door quietly incase Nick was asleep. Nothing had prepared me for the fact that he wasn’t alone. I stood, frozen to the spot as Nick f**ked some blonde girl. Nick suddenly looked up, maybe sensing my presence. His blue eyes looked into mine as I tried not to cry. I stood there for a moment longer. Both of us just staring at each other, while the girl in the bed looked confused and embarrassed. I finally left, slamming the door behind me. I ran to the elevator and found my way outside, wanting to be anywhere that wasn’t near Nick.
“Yo AJ. You seen Amber?” Nick asked, pulling on his top as AJ looked at him confused.
“Yeah, about ten minutes ago. Hold up! Didn’t you guys talk? She was just coming to see you.”
“She kinda walked in while I was… you know… with a girl.” AJ’s mouth fell open,
“Shit Nick! Tell me your kidding? Please tell me your kidding!” Nick looked at AJ,
“Huh? What’s going on?” AJ sighed,
“It doesn’t matter. Where is she?” Nick looked frustrated,
“If I knew that I wouldn’t be asking you if you’d seen her, would I?” AJ grabbed his room key and jacket, then pushed past Nick.
“I’ll go look for her,” he said, rushing to the elevator.
“I’ll come to,” Nick said, following after him. AJ began to protest but realised he couldn’t stop him without letting on that he knew what was happening.
“You know we should really have security with us,” Nick said, as he followed AJ along the busy street. AJ shot him a dirty look.
“Nick, if you don’t wanna be here then go back. I doubt Amber will want to see you anyway.” AJ cursed himself as he realised what he’d said.
“Why wouldn’t she want to see me?” Nick asked. AJ didn’t answer, instead hurrying on in the hopes of getting away from Nick. Nick grabbed AJ’s arm. “AJ! What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Come on, we have to find Amber.” He pulled away from Nick and carried on down the street.
I leant against the elevator wall as I waited for it to reach my floor. It was late and I was tired. Hopefully Nick would be asleep, or out. Either way I hoped I wouldn’t have to communicate with him. Again I felt stupid, embarrassed and humiliated… except now it was in front of AJ. I slid the key into the door and silently made my way inside. Unfortunately Nick and AJ were sat watching television. I sighed and turned to leave.
“Amber. Thank God!” Nick said, standing up and engulfing me in a hug. I forced myself not to squirm out of his reach, but I also didn’t hug him back. He looked down at me, confused. AJ came over and hugged me too, taking the opportunity to whisper in my ear.
“I didn’t tell him. He told me what you saw.” I held back tears.
“He must know anyway,” I responded quietly.
“Amber, this is Nick we’re talking about. He’s so dumb, he doesn’t have a clue!” I sighed and pulled away from him.
“I just wanna go to bed. Sorry for worrying you.” I grabbed my things and hurried into the bathroom, deliberately taking a long shower, hoping to wash away any feelings I had for Nick and any hurt I felt. I pulled on my vest top and boxers and made my way out into the hotel room. AJ had gone, and Nick was sat on his bed, clad in just his boxers.
“Amber, I’m sorry for earlier.” I avoided looking at him, suddenly feeling that rush of hurt coming back. “Guess I should’ve locked the door, huh?” He laughed. Usually I would’ve laughed too… but I didn’t feel like laughing. Nick watched me climb into bed and pull the sheet up over my head. I stopped myself from making any sound as the tears streamed down my face. Suddenly the bed moved as Nick sat down next to me. He gently pulled back the sheet and looked down at me. Confusion and worry clouding his eyes. “Amber, what’s wrong?” I curled up more, hoping he would leave me alone. I couldn’t face explaining, or having him talk to me. It just made me want him. He leant forward and brushed his hand across my cheek. I pulled back from his touch which caused hurt to flash across his features. We stayed in silence, and I waited for him to go back to bed. “Did I do something?” he asked, finally speaking. I didn’t answer and kept gazing straight ahead, focusing on an imaginary spot on the white wall. Nick pushed my hair away from my face, his soft hand caressing my skin. I quickly got out of bed and picked up my pillow and cover. “Where are you going?” He asked, standing up and following me to the door, obviously surprised by my behaviour.
“I’ll stay with AJ and Howie tonight.” I said quietly. I pulled open the door and Nick followed me out into the hallway.
“Why?” he asked, grabbing hold of my arm to stop me going any further.
“Stop touching me!” I half screamed. He was so shocked by my outburst that he released his grip on me. “Please. Just stop touching me.” He looked at me, hurt and confusion still displayed on his face. I heard AJ’s door open. “Please.” I repeated. He stared at me. I turned and walked over to AJ who was watching us from the doorway to his room. He let me inside, but didn’t follow. He watched Nick as he looked down, obviously thoroughly confused. Finally Nick made his way back into the hotel room, closing the door softly behind him.
“Amber,” someone whispered in my ear. I rolled over, smacking my head on the wall.
“Shit,” I mumbled, sitting up slowly. AJ held back a laugh as he watched me rub my head. I smiled slightly. “Sorry.” I stood up and noticed Howie was gone.
“He went to get some breakfast,” AJ said, answering my un-asked question. “So, what happened last night?”
“Nothing. He tried to be all understanding and friendly. He kept touching me… you know pushing my hair away from my face, rubbing my cheek. I can’t handle being that close to him.” I turned to face AJ. “You know what… I hate him!”
“No you don’t” AJ said, standing up.
“Yes I do. Okay, I love him too. But, AAAGGGH!” I screamed in frustration. “He is… I don’t know what he is, but one second I completely want him. I want to touch him, and the next I am so disgusted by him… I don’t know AJ. He’s my best friend and I can’t stand to be near him.” AJ looked at me sympathetically. “I’m gonna have to talk to him, aren’t I?” I asked as AJ nodded. I sighed. “Well, thanks for letting me stay in here. I think I’ll go and get dressed. I’ll talk to Nick later. Wait for me and we can go down to breakfast together.” AJ agreed and I slowly made my way to my room, dreading it incase Nick was there.
I quickly gathered my clothes together and grabbed my brush. I looked over at Nicks bed, unmade as usual and sighed. In a way it made me smile, ‘cos it was his. And then I thought about that girl. I shook my head and turned back to my things. I pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt, and brushed my wet hair. I heard the door open behind me and breathed deeply before turning around. Nick stood in the doorway, looking at me. His eyes were red-rimmed and he looked like he’d been crying. I forced myself to turn back round and finish what I was doing. I pulled my hair into a pony tail and turned back round to leave. Suddenly Nick’s lips were on mine and he kissed me hard. I pushed him away, not sure whether or not I was happy about this development.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, looking up into his eyes.
“Amber, I’m sorry for whatever it was I did. I’m guessing it was that girl… and I’m sorry. She was just there, and you know how I am. But I want you.” He stepped closer to me again, bending down and brushing my lips with his own. I wanted to kiss him back, hell I wanted him full stop. But I forced my self to push him away again.
“You just want me ‘cos I’m the only girl you can’t have,” I said, walking away from him.
“That’s not how it is! And you know it!” Nick replied.
“Do I?” I asked, turning back towards him. “You’ve had everyone else. I guess that means I’m the only one left!”
“That’s not true,” Nick protested. “Besides I love you. I just thought you didn’t want me that way… but then last night… I thought you were mad at me… but you were jealous too. So that made me realise that your whole attitude recently isn’t just down to Tim.” His tone softened, “You do love me, don’t you?” I swallowed hard, not knowing what to say.
“Yes,” I replied quietly. He smiled. “But I don’t trust you.”
“Then learn to… Amber, I am so in love with you. And when you told me not to touch you last night… I thought it was because you just didn’t want me at all. And that hurt.”
“Nick I don’t know if I can learn to trust you. I mean… you are a complete b**tard when it comes to girls!”
“That’s a little harsh.”
“Is it? Tell me, how many girls have you cheated on?” He didn’t answer. “Lost count?” We stood in silence. “I think I’m gonna head back home. I’ll pack my things and catch the next flight available.” He watched me approach him and I wanted to kiss him. I looked up at him, hoping that I wasn’t telling him what I truly wanted by the look on my face. I stood on tip toes and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I’ll go talk to Denise about it now.” He didn’t say anything as I left the room.
~August 1999~
‘So, there you go. That is why I am sitting here now. And I will openly admit that I miss Nick like crazy. And the rest of the guys. They are coming home soon. I wonder how many girls Nick screwed since I left. I swear jealousy is the most infuriating emotion. It is so difficult to control. Every time I think of Nick my heart aches, and every time I think of him with someone else I want to scream. But its my own fault, right? I bet you’re all thinking that I am really stupid for turning down Nick Carter, right? Well, I am the first to agree with you… and that is why as soon as he gets home I am gonna go tell him exactly how I feel! I just hope that it isn’t too late! Well… wish me luck. I’m sure as hell gonna need it.’
I cautiously walked up the driveway to Nick’s house. I loved his house, it was my dream house. Before he had bought it he had told me exactly what he wanted and I had added stuff, so that it would feel like mine too. He didn’t mind, he thought it was cute that I wanted to be a part of the decision to buy his new house. I knocked on the door, hoping that he wouldn’t turn me away. The door opened and there he was. I felt completely vulnerable and… sick. Suddenly I realised that I would rather die than have Nick reject me.
“Hi,” I said quietly, offering him a smile. He smiled back and let me inside. He went into the kitchen and I followed him.
“So.. how have you been?” he asked, busily looking through the fridge, though I doubted he was looking for anything. He had visibly tensed up upon my arrival.
“Okay… Nick… I… we need to talk.” He straightened up and turned to me.
“Yeah… I know,” he sighed. I wanted to hug him. I had missed that, being able to just have him hold me.
“Well… I wanna say something first… and please just let me say it all, okay?” He nodded. I breathed deeply and began. “Nick, I love you, more than anything. And since coming back I have missed you so much. I don’t know if it’s our friendship I missed. But I know, after all that’s happened that we can probably never go back to just being friends. I want to be with you… and I want to be able to kiss you and touch you… and I… I just want to be with you. But I am so scared that I am gonna lose you forever. Nick, I can’t live without you right now. And if it’s a choice of having to lose you now, or maybe losing you later… then I definitely choose later.” I stopped, holding my breath, waiting for Nick’s response. He wasn’t even looking at me and I wondered if he had listened to a word I had said.
“I thought you said you couldn’t trust me,” he finally said.
“I know… but I think I could. Nick I love you too much not to risk everything for this… and… I just don’t know anymore. All I do is think about you… and I hate myself for not giving you a chance before…” I trailed off, biting back the tears threatening to cascade down my face. He stood up and walked over to me. I looked up at him as he gently placed his hand on my cheek.
“Amber, I love you too. But if this doesn’t work out… then we may lose our friendship.” Nick ran his finger over my lips.
“I think we already kinda damaged it,” I smiled. “Nick… will you… can we just give this a try?” He didn’t say anything, but bent down, softly pressing his lips against mine, using his tongue to part my lips and explore my mouth. I kissed him back, loving the feel of his lips on mine and I ran my hand through his hair. He ran his hands down my arms and then gently caressed my breasts. I pulled away. “Nick.. let’s take this slowly. I love you and.. we will… but I don’t want us to just do it… you know?” Nick looked at me for a moment.
“Okay. For you, I’ll wait.” I smiled and he smiled back. He kissed my forehead. “I love you Amber, and we’re gonna make this work.” He softly kissed my lips.
“You sure you can handle not having sex for a while?” Nick grinned and shook his head,
“You do know that you’re not gonna be able to give me hell about my sex life now, don’t you? ‘Cos if you do then I may just have to start commenting on yours… after all I will know all about it… in detail.” I laughed.
“Well Nick… maybe I’ll be able to refrain from my usual teasing… but you’re gonna have to give me something in return.”
“How about this?” He leant down and kissed me passionately.
“Mmm,” I mumbled against his lips. “That may just do it!” He laughed and took my hand.
“How about we go get a soda?” I followed him through to the front door, “We haven’t done that in a while.”
“Yeah,” I laughed as I climbed into his car. “Maybe you can teach me how you mastered shooting sprite out of your nose!” He shot me an evil look then kissed me. ‘I think I could get used to this kinda relationship’ I thought as we drove to the mall. ‘After all everyday with Nick would be fun… and I loved him enough to put up with all his little faults… like shooting soda out of his nose!’
