April 11 1996
Today was the best day of my life! It started out crappy as hell – same boring lessons with the same boring teachers… but Nick (finally) asked me out. I have been waiting for this since I first met him (which would be a year and a half ago now). Right, now I’ve got to try and remember detail. I got in from school about 4pm – as usual – and just watched TV for an hour or so, and then the phone rang, which I seriously didn’t want to pick up ‘cos I thought it’d be Alison or Liza, but I did and it was HIM! I had to remember not to sound too excited, though it’s been… a month or so since I’’ve heard from him. Anyway, we were just chatting away and he was telling me how everything in Europe was going, and about record sales and all that and then he just came out with it. I can remember his exact words (well it was only about an hour ago). Nick said: ‘Jordie, I know this is kinda out of the blue, and if you don’t want to then just say no, but I’m home again in three days and you know… I really like you… and thought we could go out..?’ I was so amazed and touched by the fact that he was nervous – I mean, a big pop star like him – that for a moment I was silent, and he got the complete wrong impression. So in the midst of him babbling that it didn’t matter that I didn’t want to I just said ‘I’d love too’. And that’s it! I have a date with Nick Carter!!!
February 14 1998
Wow! I am so high on love. Nick and I spent the whole day together and it was truly amazing. I have never felt so happy, and Nick is just as perfect as he was when we first started going out – if not more so. I was never a big fan of Valentine’s Day, but when you have a boyfriend like Nick it can’t be anything but special. Right now I am sitting in the most beautiful hotel suite, after the most beautiful day. Nick took me out for a gorgeous meal, and then we danced. And just in case I ever forget how we danced just think of the interlude in ‘Show Me The Meaning…’ I couldn’t believe it when Nick apologised for not giving me a present! I mean, for God sake, the guy flew me over to France, took me out to dinner, danced – even though I know he doesn’t really like to – and then took me back to the most wonderful hotel in all of the country, and he apologises for not giving me a present!!!! I couldn’t possibly love him more! Anyway, I gotta stop here ‘cos Nick was taking a shower and now the waters stopped running… hmmm… wonder what we’ll be doing tonight!!!
November 2 1999
I can’t believe I am doing this. How can I be so heartless? How can I do this to Nick? I can’t tell anyone, yet I have to do something to relieve some of this guilt – so I’m writing it down… I did the unthinkable last night. I did the worst thing I could possibly do – short of actually killing someone – I slept with Ryan! Ryan – the guy who has been making passes at me since I first met him (four months ago). And now I don’t know what to do. Do I tell Nick and break his heart, and possibly mine, because I’m sure he’ll dump me? Or do I keep quiet, avoid Ryan and try to pretend it never happened? Oh Lord what have I done!!!? Then again, it can’t all be my fault. Nick isn’t here! He hasn’t been here for three months and a phone call once a day hardly fulfils my needs. It started as just a close friendship with Ryan. He was so easy to talk to, so kind and understanding. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it’s so easy and uncomplicated being with Ryan. He doesn’t have to leave early every day, or spend months away from me… I just don’t know what to feel or do…
November 7 1999
The more and more I think about it the less I think this whole Ryan business is entirely my fault. If Nick was here it wouldn’t have happened. If he wanted to be with me more, made more of an effort then I wouldn’t have had to look else where for comfort… would I..?
December 5 1999
I’m joining Nick for a week or so on the set for their new video so I guess I won’t have much time to write anything. I am becoming more stupid by the day! Ryan and I are kinda seeing each other – if that’s what you can call it. I am being unfaithful to Nick and I don’t know how to stop. Maybe seeing him will put everything into perspective and I’ll be able to sort my head out.
Nick lifted the peak of my cap and bent down, softly pressing his lips to mine. As he pulled away he took my hand and squeezed it.
“You okay?” I nodded, entwining my fingers with his.
“Are you nearly done?” I asked, flattening down his collar, which was sticking up slightly. He shrugged,
“I don’t think so,” he replied, regretfully. “The director wasn’t happy with the last take, so we’ve a ten minute break, then back to work.” Nick grinned, tilting his head to look into my eyes, which were shaded by my cap. “So I thought I’d spend it with you.” I smiled lightly, and his smile faded, “What’s wrong?”
“…I’m just bored,” I sighed. “I know loads of people would kill to be here, watching you guys film…” I moved closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, “but I came to be with you, and so far I’ve spent all of five minutes in your company.”
“I’m sorry.” Nick’s voice was muffled as he rested his head on top of mine. He pulled off my cap and gently smoothed down my hair. “I know this can’t be fun for you, but I am really glad you’re here.” I smiled, standing on tip toes and kissing him softly, loving the feel of his lips on mine. I grinned as he looked down into my face.
“Ah, now that makes all this waiting worth while.”
“Nick, you’re needed,” a girl said, rushing past with a black shirt. Nick sighed and kissed my forehead.
“You’ll wait?” he asked, holding my hand but turning towards the set he was supposed to be on.
“Yeah… I’ll see you in a bit.” He turned back and kissed me thoroughly, a kiss which left my head spinning slightly, before joining the other guys. I sat down on one of the chairs facing the set and watched as Nick and Brian messed around, receiving a disapproving look from Kevin. How could I be doing this to him? He was so wonderful, and loved me. And I loved him… I had loved him since we started going out, when we were 16. That was almost four years ago.
“Jordana? Are you okay?” Brian asked as we all sat in the hotel lobby, waiting to leave for the airport.
“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m just tired I guess.” He looked a little sceptical, but accepted my answer. Nick took my hand and squeezed it, I looked at him and smiled. I leant my head on his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to block out the guilty feelings that were, once again, rising in my stomach. My cell phone ringing broke the silence that had fallen over us. I fumbled in my bag before finally lifting it to my ear,
“Hello?”
“Hey babe!” I grimaced, quickly standing up and walking towards the window.
“I thought I said I’d call you when I got back!” I whispered angrily. Nick was watching me with interest and I smiled, with what I hoped was a sign of reassurance.
“I know, but I miss you.” There was a pause. “And I know you miss me… don’t you?” I didn’t answer, turning to the window so as to hide my face from the five guys, Crissy (Kev’s girlfriend) and Macy (AJ’s girlfriend). “Jord?”
“When I get back, we have to talk,” I said quietly.
“Well that sounds ominous…” he laughed.
“Ryan!” I said, a little louder than intended. “Please. I’ll call you when I get back.” He sighed,
“Fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.” I quickly hung up and walked back towards Nick, who wrapped his arms around me.
“Who was that?” he asked, his mouth close to my ear.
“Oh… it was just Alison.” I felt Nick tense slightly,
“It sounded like you said Ryan.” He looked at me in question.
“Oh… no. Alison was just telling me about this stupid thing Ryan did and I was just shocked that it was Ryan... you know?” Nick looked into my eyes for a moment, then leant forward and kissed me on the forehead.
“Yeah… sorry.” He hugged me tightly. “I guess I’m a little agitated about the long flight and everything.” I smiled and hugged him back. He had every right to be suspicious.
December 10 1999
I’m not sure which is worse – being with Nick and feeling so guilty that I think I’ll vomit, or not being with him and missing him, whilst the whole time cheating on him with Ryan! Well obviously I do know which is worse. The not being with him… but why did any of this have to start? Why did I have to be so stupid! And you know what makes this thing ten bloody times worse? Nick is being sweeter to me than ever before – which I hadn’t thought humanly possible – and is trusting me so much I feel like killing myself. I know I have to stop this thing with Ryan. I know it’s for the best and I know I can’t do this to Nick anymore. And I keep contemplating whether to tell Nick what I’ve done, but what would that achieve? Nothing, except making me feel that tiny bit less guilty. It would kill Nick… I couldn’t live with myself if he ever found out!
I silently watched Nick watch the television. South Park was on and he insisted on watching it before going to bed – even though we were both completely tired from the flight home. The T.V. cast different colours across his face, highlighting the sparkle that appeared in his eyes every time he laughed or smiled. I climbed off of the couch and went into the kitchen, in search of my bag. I needed to write in my diary before I automatically gushed out all the recent events to Nick.
December 11 1999
I’m staying over at Nick’s tonight, he insisted on it. And he’s right, there is no point in me going home ‘cos we’re going to visit his family tomorrow – who are staying at there house in Tampa for the Christmas period. Actually, I have no idea what to get Nick for Xmas… it has to be something special. S*d Xmas… I have more important things to think about, like Ryan. I haven’t rung him yet. I’ll do it tomorrow – first thing tomorrow, and I’m gonna tell him it’s over. Completely over.
“Hey gorgeous, what ya doin’?” Nick asked, kissing the nape of my neck as he came into the kitchen – obviously South Park had finished. I closed my diary in a panic. “What’s wrong?” he asked, stepping back as I stood up.
“Nothing… you just startled me.” Nick grinned,
“What have you got there?” I shrugged, trying to seem non-chalent.
“Just my diary,” I replied, placing it back in my bag and taking his hand. “Come on, I am really tired.” Nick smiled and followed me upstairs,
“Do you write about me in it?” he asked, pulling off his shirt. I nodded and proceeded to get changed for bed.
“Sometimes.” This topic of conversation was unnerving me, so I went to clean my teeth. Nick’s reflection appeared next to mine in the bathroom mirror. I finished up and went back in to the bedroom, still panicking slightly. “Nick!” I called, “would you mind if I didn’t come with you tomorrow?” I wasn’t sure that I could face his family – I was sure my guilt was written all over my face, plus I wanted to finish things with Ryan. He appeared from the bathroom and lay on the bed.
“Why?” he asked, looking at me intently. I shrugged,
“I’m not sure if I could handle a whole day out… jet lag and all.” Even to myself it seemed like a pathetic excuse.
“Ah, come on Jordana. You can always rest at my parents. It’s hardly like a formal dinner!”
“Yeah, but… I don’t know. You don’t really need me there.” I was struggling for excuses.
“If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you’d got a better offer.” I froze. I knew he was joking and that the next thing out of my mouth was a sure indication of guilt,
“What?” I demanded, defensively. “You think I’m going to be spending my time with some else?” Nick seemed surprised at my reaction.
“No,” he sat up. “I was just kidding Jordie.” I calmed down slightly, knowing that I’d over-reacted.
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” I climbed on the bed next to him and he pulled me close,
“I have missed you so much,” he murmured into my hair. I wrapped my arms around him, so glad to have him with me,
“I’ve missed you too.” And for that one moment I completely forgot about what I had done, what I was doing to Nick. And it felt like it used to. Completely perfect!
December 12 1999
I tried again this morning to get out of going to Nick’s parents, but it didn’t work. He said he wanted to spend all of his free time with me whilst he was home. I took the opportunity to phone Ryan whilst Nick was in the shower, and told him it was over. And he just laughed and said ‘yeah, until the next time Nick’s away and you’re feeling lonely.’ And I couldn’t answer him, ‘cos I know that the temptation is there, and that I will want Ryan when I can’t have Nick. I need to explain about Ryan, so that in years to come when I read over this I won’t just think I was a complete cow! Ryan is gorgeous, sexy, gentle, irresistible… and he knows it. He has this charm which completely over powers my ability to resist. And I know this doesn’t justify what I’m doing, but it does – in some small way – help make sense of it all. I know that Nick is the one. I know that I want to marry him, spend the rest of my life with him and have his children. But that is incredibly hard to do when he’s not here for the majority of the year. I could, I suppose, travel with him. But that would mean giving up everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve. My studies, my friends, my job with a local production company. And I’m not the type of girl who wants a guy to completely look after her. I want independence. I want to be able to make it on my own. I don’t want to be on my own, but I want to know I could be.
On the drive to the Carters house all I could think about was my earlier conversation with Ryan. He hadn’t accepted that it was over. He hadn’t just said ‘Okay. It’s been fun, but I understand.’ He hadn’t said what I planned and hoped he would say. Instead he told me that we had to meet, to ‘sort everything out’. At first I refused, but then he told me if I didn’t go round and see him, then he’d have to come round and see me. Whether he came and saw me at Nicks or at home didn’t matter as it would all end in trouble. I have four brothers – all of which think it is their job to bug the hell out of me, and interfere in my personal life. Luckily they approve of Nick, well they do now. At first he was treated with the hostility and indifference that only brothers looking out for a sister can achieve, but now he’s like one of the family. Now he’s like one of their own. And maybe that makes this whole situation worse, because I doubt very much that, if they knew what I’d done, they would feel any sympathy for me.
“They’re here!” Aaron shouted as he opened the door for me and Nick. He threw his arms around his older brother, which caused a wave of nausea to wash over me. I quickly ran past them and up the stairs, reaching the toilet just in time. The nausea wasn’t something I ate, it was something I’d done. I realised, at that moment standing on the doorstep watching the two brothers embrace each other with such love, that I was hurting all of them. I was hurting Nick, which in the end would lead to pain for all of them. I hated myself. I hated myself more than I’ve hated anything or anyone in my whole life, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry until it didn’t hurt anymore, until every feeling of guilt I had in my body was gone. But I couldn’t, because that would mean explanations, that would mean sympathy from those I was betraying.
“She’s not..?” Bob asked his son as they both waited at the bottom of the stairs.
“Huh… what?” Nick asked, turning to his father. His eyes widened as he realised what was being implied. “No!” he exclaimed, but then he looked worried. “At least… I don’t think she is.”
“Honey,” Jane called, knocking lightly on the door. “Are you okay.” I didn’t answer, still trying to gulp back the sobs that were worming their way up my throat. “I’m going to come in.” I quickly turned on the faucet and splashed my face with water. “Oh sweetie. What’s wrong?” She rubbed my back as I washed my mouth out with water. I never, until that moment, thought it was possible for an emotion – other than love – to physically make you sick. I knew that in the first stages of true love, where everything is new and wonderful you could feel sick with the feeling… but to be sick with guilt was completely different.
“I’m fine,” I managed to say, wiping my face with a towel. Jane nodded and waited for me before we both headed downstairs. Nick’s concerned face greeted me at the bottom and I smiled, as best I could.
“Jordana, are you okay?” I’m sorry but isn’t that just the stupidest question to ask. It’s like when someone’s just been knocked down by a car people say ‘are you okay?’ and you think ‘of course they’re bloody not! A car just knocked them flying!’ But I nodded at Nick and he led me into the living room. I noticed he seemed a little worried and after biting his bottom lip for what seemed like an eternity I knew why. “Jordie, you’re not pregnant are you?” My facial expression must have shown something that caused him to think he may be right for he quickly added, “because if you are, I want us to go through this together…”
“I’m not pregnant Nick,” I stated, standing up. “ I mean, I told you that I didn’t feel up to coming today.” I don’t know why I said it. I wish I hadn’t because when I turned back to face him, Nick looked completely guilty and hurt.
“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling me into a hug. “I didn’t realise you were feeling so ill.” Him apologising to me sent a whole new feeling of guilt through me and I smiled in an attempt to say sorry myself.
“No Nick. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that… I’m just gonna go and get a drink, do you want anything?” He shook his head and watched me leave before sinking back into the chair. He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what was happening. Things weren’t like before.
