Temptation: Part Two

Brian waited for Tyke to finish peeing up a tree before answering his friend. Nick, hands in pockets, walked on ahead, scuffing his feet along the ground. He stopped, letting Brian catch up, then said,

“Well..?” Brian, who had been told exactly what had happened the day before and what Nick had thought, shrugged.

“Well, what do you mean – things aren’t like they are before? Before what exactly?” Nick was silent for a moment,

“I don’t know. I guess before we left the last time. Things have seemed different since Jordie came to the video shoot.” Brian was used to Nick’s insecurities when it came to relationships – although this was the only serious relationship he had ever had – but this time, he had to admit, things did seem different. Something was wrong.

“I don’t know Nick. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about,” he said, even though he didn’t actually believe what he was saying. “You know what Jordana can be like. It’s probably something really stupid. I bet she just got a bad grade on some paper. We all know how important her grades are!” Nick nodded, smiling slightly,

“Yeah… so you seriously think I have nothing to worry about?” Brian nodded,

“Nothing at all.” As they finished there walk around the near empty park, Brian couldn’t help wondering how he could find out what was wrong.

“Jo!! When did you get here?” my 16 year old brother, Damian, exclaimed, giving me a quick hug. Damian and Ben (who’s 17) – along with myself – are the only one’s who still live at home with our parents. Tom (21 years old) and Josh (23 years old) live with their girlfriends, both having moved out a few years ago. I still get to see them a lot because my parents have always made sure we have regular family get-togethers.

“About ten minutes ago,” I replied, smiling at him. “I missed you guys! Did you grow again over the month I haven’t seen you?” I asked, ruffling his hair. Damian, being the youngest, always got labelled the cute one, but recently he has become very handsome and I’m not surprised – as my mother informed me – that many girls have been ringing the house. It makes me laugh. Girls interested in little Damian! Damian shrugged,

“Dunno. Probably, but who cares. Anyway,” he fell on to the couch. “How are you and Nick?” Damian, Ben and Nick had always got on brilliantly (except in the beginning – as I said before).

“Good,” I replied. I’ve never understood why, out of all the guys in the world, my brothers have to be the ones who are perceptive and aware of a girl’s needs. Some would say it’s a blessing, I would say it’s a damn nuisance!

“Only good?” Damian asked. “Usually it’s fantastic, or brilliant, or wonderful… what’s happened?” You see! How do I get out of this one!

“Nothing really,” I replied. “I’m just tired of having to wait months to see him. It’s so hard to keep a relationship going when you hardly ever see the person you’re having the relationship with.” Damian sat up, a clear indication that the situation was serious and needed his full attention.

“Jo, you’ve been going out for almost four years! Surely you’re used to all that stuff by now.” I sighed, knowing I better change the subject.

“I guess. Anyway, enough about me. How about you? I hear the girls are lining up to get a piece of Mr. Damian Hewitt.” He blushed,

“Shut up!” I laughed and pushed the thoughts of Nick and Ryan out of my mind.

December 13 1999
I went to see Ryan this evening with the clear intention of ending it. In my mind it was already over – the phone call had shown that. But as soon as I got there he was all over me, kissing me and telling me he loved me… and once again I could resist. I know every person out there – if they knew what I was doing – would hate me. And Nick’s fans would hate me with a passion! I know exactly what they’d think. They’d think ‘how could anyone do that to Nick Carter!? How could anyone not be satisfied with Nick Carter?’ And you know, I don’t think I could answer that. Anyway, it is over now. I told Ryan that as I left. He merely smiled and shook his head before closing the door. He thinks I’ll go back, he thinks I can’t live without him. But I can, and I will! No matter what I will never, never betray Nick again! Everything will be fine! Nick doesn’t know, and he’ll never need to know. The only people that know what I’ve done are Ryan, and myself.

The phone was ringing when I got home, which was surprising as usually one of the boys would be there to answer it. But they all seemed to have disappeared – I guess Tom and Josh had gone home after the family day… and who knows where Damian and Ben were. My parents, I knew, had gone out for their romantic walk – which they always took on evenings after family day.

“Hello?” I answered the phone breathlessly.

“Oh… hi Jordie. I was just about to give up,” Nick’s voice flowed over the line.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” I replied, sitting down at the bottom of the stairs.

“Are you?” That question caught me off guard. What did he mean… did he know?

“Of course!” I laughed, a little nervously. “Why d’you say that?” I sensed that he shrugged,

“I dunno. You’ve just been a bit moody recently.” I ran my hand through my hair,

“I know. I’m sorry… I guess I’m just pissed that I still have work to do even though it’s the Christmas holidays. I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”

“It’s okay. Anyway, I was wondering if you were gonna come round tomorrow. I thought we could do something together.” I smiled at the thought of being with just him,

“Sure. I’ll come round first thing.” I knew he was smiling – he was probably laying on the couch at his house, the TV on low and a bowl of food next to him.

“So, where have you been tonight?” he asked casually. To me it didn’t seem casual. To me it was like he knew everything, but was waiting to see if I would tell him the truth. But he wouldn’t have suggested spending the day together if he thought I’d been seeing someone else…

“I just went for a walk. It’s such a nice evening.” How lame! I never just went for walks.

“Oh… well I better let you get some sleep, ‘cos I want you nice and energetic for tomorrow.” I laughed,

“Okay. See ya tomorrow.”

“Bye.” I hung up the phone and went upstairs. I may have ended the relationship with Ryan, but the guilt was still there. The sick feeling still formed whenever I thought of how much I could’ve hurt Nick.

January 2 2000
Christmas and the Millennium were spectacular – that’s why I haven’t written since December 13 (that’s a whole other millennium ago!). I’ve spent pretty much every hour of the day with Nick since the 14th – although now he’s getting ready to go on tour. I’m going to miss him so much! The feelings of guilt have died a little, but I can’t stop them rising whenever I accidentally think of Ryan. I don’t think of him in the sense of wanting him. I just suddenly remember what I did, and then I feel ill. But those memories are becoming less vivid – and I haven’t actually seen Ryan since the last time…

February 4 2000
I’m on tour with Nick at the moment. I’m only staying for a week because I have exams soon and I can’t study whilst in the presence of five pop stars and venues full of screaming people. But I’m having fun. Nick makes sure we have at least an hour alone together everyday – and I know he’s doing a lot of re-arranging so that that is possible. It’s strange though, I have always been pretty friendly with Brian, but recently things have been a little tense. I have no idea what to make of it – I expect it’s just my imagination.

I climbed off of the tour bus and followed Nick to his dressing room. Dumping my bag in the corner I turned to him and pulled him to me. I kissed him passionately, feeling my own legs buckle with the feeling of his body in such close proximity. It’s strange how, even after spending years with them, your boyfriend can still make you feel completely special and loved.

“What was that for?” Nick asked, a little breathlessly. I shrugged,

“Just felt like it.” He laughed,

“Well, I’m just going to go and speak to Kev. He wanted to tell me about some article thing.” He rolled his eyes and kissed the top of my head. “I won’t be long.” I waited for him to leave before rummaging in my bag in search of my diary. It wasn’t there. I looked again, hoping that I had simply missed it. Not that you could miss it. I tried to calm myself, tried to think where it could be. The tour bus! I quickly left the dressing room, rushing to get to it. I climbed up the steps and went to the back of the bus. My breath caught in my throat and that sense of complete panic and shock that makes you want to throw up came over me. Brian looked up, the coldness clearly showing in his eyes. He closed the book – my diary – and stood up, looking at me with what can only be described as a look of disgust and hate. I opened my mouth to speak, but ended up just closing it again as I had nothing to say. Brian, in an attempt to control his growing rage, gulped hard before speaking,

“I knew something was going on,” he stated, his voice harsh. “How could you? How could you do this to Nick?” I bit my lower lip, tears starting to swim across my eyes, threatening to spill over. Brian waited for an answer. An answer I couldn’t give. “You b*tch!” he whispered with complete anger.

“Brian, I - ” I stopped, having no idea what to say. “I never wanted to be with anyone else, Brian. You have to believe me.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” he replied, taking a step towards me. “You’re the one who has to do something. You have to tell Nick.” I stood my ground against him, I didn’t step back. Even as he stared at me with pure hatred.

“I can’t. It would kill him.” Brian narrowed his eyes,

“If you don’t, I will.”

“You wouldn’t!” I said quickly.

“I would.” I had never seen Brian so unbelievably furious. It seemed to be taking every piece of restraint he had not to kill me.

“Brian, you can’t! Please! I love Nick! Just… give me back the diary. Please Brian.” I begged. I actually begged Brian.

“And then what? You expect me to forget? You actually expect me to watch you and Nick together, and not say anything? Not tell him that the girl he loves and would do anything for betrayed him!?” The tears began streaming down my face and panic turned to anger.

“This is none of your business Brian! Just give me the book!”

“Like hell it isn’t my business. Nick is my friend.” I grabbed for the book. I was willing to do anything to stop Nick finding out. What stupid sh*t invented diaries anyway!!? Brian pulled the book away, using his free arm to push me away from him. I stumbled backwards and bashed my head against the door frame. I sank to the ground, holding my head in my hands. Suddenly Nick was there. If I hadn’t been busy trying to stop the pain shooting through my skull I would have tried to get my diary again. Nick lifted me up and sat me on the small couch.

“What the hell is going on?” He demanded looking at Brian, who, despite the fact he had given me mild concussion, was still looking at me like I was Satan! Brian didn’t say anything. He held out the book to Nick and left. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t let him read my diary. I stood up, a little wobbly on my feet. Nick reached out to steady me, but I pulled away.

“Nick, sit down.” He did, which surprised me, and placed the book next to him. I picked it up then looked at him. “I am so sorry.” I think he knew what was coming next because a look of pain crossed his face. “Nick, I… I have no easy way to say this. It’s going to hurt however it comes out, but… Nick, I slept with Ryan.” A silence filled the small space, and I willed myself not to start sobbing. It was Nick who was suffering… He never once looked away from me. The whole time he looked directly into my eyes.

“How many times?” I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting insults, or ‘why’s’. I couldn’t tell him the truth, and I know Brian didn’t know the truth… then again he knew it wasn’t just the once.

“Twice.” My voice was quiet and I saw Nick’s face change expression.

“Twice?” I nodded. I wasn’t sure whether I was happy (happy is the wrong word… so is pleased…) with his reaction. Did I want him to get angry, to shout at me? “With Ryan?” I nodded again. “When?” I was silent for a moment,

“Early November.”

“Before you came to see me at the shoot?” I nodded again, wondering what was going through his head. Another silence prevailed. “And Brian knew?” I nodded. “He read your diary?” I nodded again, hoping he wouldn’t ask to read it. He didn’t. Instead he nodded and stood up, “Okay.” And with that he walked off of the bus. Okay? Okay!!?? What did he mean by ‘okay’?

February 4 2000
Nick knows. And Brian knows – that’s why Nick knows. I don’t know what to do. Here I am sitting on the damn tour bus, not knowing whether it’s over or not. And I can’t ask him. I can’t ask him if he still wants to be with me. But, then again, I can’t sit here and wonder. All he said, after asking a few questions, was ‘okay’.

I stood up, wiping the stray tears away. Slowly, I climbed off of the bus and went to Nick’s dressing room, I knocked but there was no answer, so I went in. He was on his own. Just sat there, staring ahead, his face showing nothing. I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do. Finally I sat next to him, careful not to touch him. We just sat in silence. He didn’t tell me to leave, but he made no sign to acknowledge that I was there either.

“Nick,” I said finally, not able to bear the silence any longer. “Nick, I love you.” With those words I managed to trigger what he was holding in – or part of what he was holding in. Tears began to trickle down his face, followed by the sound of sobs. I had made him cry. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around him, and he didn’t pull away. Instead he pulled me close and cried on my shoulder. I held him until he stopped shaking, then I pulled away. Suddenly his lips were on mine, urgently kissing me as he pushed me down on the couch. I didn’t know what to think. Maybe it hadn’t registered yet… I struggled against him. After a moment he pulled away and looked at me with blood shot eyes,

“Why can’t I hate you?” he whispered. “Why can’t I just hate you and tell you to leave?” I felt the tears begin to roll down my face, as he looked at me with an utter sadness that broke my heart.

“I don’t know,” I replied, equally as quietly. Without saying anything else he pulled me towards him and hugged me, gently stroking my cheek and murmuring into my hair.

April 11 2003
Today is mine and Nick’s seven year anniversary. This day seven years ago he first asked me out. That seems like centuries and centuries ago. I haven’t written in here since ‘that day’. The day I broke his heart and he forgave me. The day I hurt him more than anything or anyone had ever hurt him before. Before now I couldn’t bare to write in this, because to me, this is what caused it all. But I realise now that I caused it all. I could’ve said no to Ryan, I could have stopped anything happening. I am just thankful that Nick loved me enough to forgive me. I still haven’t forgiven myself. And there are still days when I catch Nick looking at me, and I think he must be thinking of what I did, because he looks sad. But then when he sees me looking at him, he smiles and everything is okay again. Brian still doesn’t talk to me much, well not beyond the terms of politeness. And to be honest I don’t blame him. I know that it’s been over three years, but seeing as I haven’t forgiven myself, I can’t expect anyone else to either. Nobody else knows what happened. Only the four of us know. Brian, Nick, Ryan and me. Nick never told anyone. As far as I know he never even spoke about it with Brian – who after the initial shock and anger of seeing that Nick wasn’t going to dump me never approached the subject with Nick again. For a while, in the months after I had told Nick I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted him to cheat on me – anything to rid myself of the unbearable guilt I felt. And when I said that to him he simply said, ‘us staying together seems to be both your reward and punishment’. And you know, I think he’s right.