Aussie: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English." Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English." Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens. Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens. Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian. Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it. Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it. Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less. Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Auasies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious. Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Read This If You Want To Laugh
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WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges 3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder 4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar 5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown 6. A university with a nude beach 7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations 8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash 9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on 10. CannabisTOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big Rock 2. Preston Manning 3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent 4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education 5. Flames vs. Oilers 6. Stamps vs. Eskies 7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of 8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's 9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups 10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats 3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning 4. Your province is really easy to draw 5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard 6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house 7. YOUR Roughriders survived 8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours 9. People will assume you live on a farm 10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property 2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg" 3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto 4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government 5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes 6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter 7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work 8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood 9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off 10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election 4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist 5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition 6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city 7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime 8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV - for a looney 9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house 10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism is socially acceptable 3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians 4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next 5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada 6. The FLQ 7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys 8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers 9. NON-smokers are the outcasts 10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers 2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income 3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies 4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours 5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston 6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick 7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you 8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse 9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen 10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire 2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia 3. Everyone is a fiddle player 4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass 5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert 6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil 7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money 8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt 9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music 10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour 3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea" 4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from 5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows 6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave 7. You can drive across the province in two minutes 8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates 9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter 10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation 2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea 3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod 4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products 5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse 6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics 7. The work day is about two hours long 8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines 9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass 10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
Slang:
AWL: Absent without leave (comparable to AWOL in the States)
Caisse populaire: Type of bank (mostly in Quebec)
Click: kilometre
Forty: 40 ounce bottle of booze (also known as a 'forty pounder')
Hoser: an insult (was popular thanks to Bob and Doug!)
Humidex: result of humidity and temperature
Loony: Dollar (or loonie; plural = loonies)
Mickey: 13 ounce bottle of booze
Pogey: welfare or employment insurance
Poutine: fries, gravy and lots of cheese!
Toonie: 2 dollar coin
Twenty-sixer: 26 ounce bottle of booze (aka twixer)
Two-four: case of 24 beers (may also be pronounce 'two-fer')
Tuque: winter cap
